I have another big post percolating in my brain, about teaching kids self-defense techniques, and not only that but instilling in them a healthy sense of paranoia towards strangers. Not protecting them from the fact that there are INSANE FREAKS out there, and they should be PARANOID, and WATCH THEIR BACKS. It is never too early to learn that stuff. Do NOT protect the innocence of your children to the degree that they then became the perfect little victim. I’ve got a lot of feelings on the matter (as I’m sure many of us do) – and I think it’s REALLY important to talk about this stuff openly.
A little kid disappeared from my home town when I was 7 years old. He and I were the same age. I did not know him, but we would have ended up graduating in the same high school class. So when he disappeared off the face of the earth, I had one of my first experiences of – realizing the dangers in the big bad world. He could be me. He lived in my town. We were the same age. Why him, and not me? I want to tell the story of what happened to that little kid … but need to work my way up to it.
The point being, though, is that because of that experience – I grew up in a town that (way before Amber Alerts, way before children being snatched from under their parents noses made national news on a constant basis) was TERRIFIED of stranger-danger. We all grew up, as a town, because of the mysterious disappearance of this little boy. (He was playing in his front yard, under the watchful eyes of his mother, who was washing dishes in the kitchen. She looked away for a moment, literally a moment, and he was gone. And people – the ending of this story is not a good one. He literally DISAPPEARED, as though a UFO came down and took him away forever.) So because of THAT, the paranoia was jacked UP, in our community.
I remember the helicopters swooping over my neighborhood. I remember the neighborhood-mothers having a system set in place, where they would call each other, and have a head-count of all of us in the backyard. Because this little boy disappeared from right beneath his mother’s nose … (and was not returned, folks …He was “found” – years and years and years later … but he was not “returned”. Horrific story.)
Cops came to our elementary schools and taught us about self-defense techniques (some of these techniques have stayed with me until this day, and I STILL use the Point A/Point B mindset, if I ever feel at risk.
Basically: what we learned in stranger/danger seminars when we were kids is this: If a showdown is gonna happen, then make sure it happens at Point A, not Point B. DO NOT LET anyone MOVE you. Fight to the death, if you have to – but dammit, do it at Point A. The second you let them move you, you are as good as dead.
This was drilled into us. Later, in self-defense classes I have taken, the same thing was drilled into our heads.
“Girls don’t get raped and die at Point A. Girls get raped and die at Point B.”
If there’s ONE lesson that should be learned, I believe it is this lesson.
I have NO problem with making a huge muthaf**in SCENE in public, if I feel like someone is trying to mess with me. And usually, situations can be diffused at Point A. (This is why it’s so tough with kids … because the insane freaks out there are ALL ABOUT getting the little kid to come to Point B with them.) But truly, if you (as the one being attacked, or even if you just feel “wrong” about something, like something “bad” is about to happen) – make an enormous scene at Point A. Most usually, the attacker-to-be was HOPING you would docilely come along to Point B … and will give up and look for a more willing victim. So: Point A. I SHOUTED at a guy who was messin’ with me on a subway platform late at night. I could feel that something was coming, some confrontation … there were no cops at this station, it was in a bad area, and there were a couple of other bystanders, but other than that – I was alone. The only woman, too. Small note: I was an idiot for being there in the first place. I should have taken a cab. Lesson learned. But I felt such a sense of threat, such a sense of doom, that I had NO problem with SHOUTING, in public, at the top of my lungs, “DON’T F***IN COME NEAR ME.” The situation diffused immediately. I made the situation public, I pointed a finger at him, I made people look at him … Basically, I would NOT be a victim. I was READY to make a bigger scene, I was READY for a fight – and no way would this asshole get me to move from Point A. He’d have to kill me first.
Back in grade school, in the wake of the disappearance of our little comrade, cops taught us about how to run, scream, bite, make a fuss – they taught us that it is good to sometimes NOT be polite. And because we had the glaring example of a missing little boy our own age, we listened to the cops, we listened because … we hoped that maybe their tips could help us NOT disappear like that little boy. Their tips had an immediacy, an urgency … they were not abstract theories or concepts. They were REAL, and could have real repercussions in our short little lives.
Our town was in an uproar for a good YEAR after the disappearance of this little boy. This was in the 1970s. NOW, you hear about stuff like this all the time. But back then? No.
I know that a nation-wide search was done for this wee boy who disappeared. But as far as I know, his face wasn’t splashed across the evening news. Does anyone know when the whole milk-carton thing began? Putting disappeared kids on milk-cartons? I don’t know. Maybe he was on a milk-carton. His face HAUNTED our town, the posters, the fliers … he was EVERYWHERE. I can see his little 7 year old face right now.
If any of you have any thoughts on teaching kids self-defense techniques – and also not being afraid to make your kids paranoid, please discuss.
(I truly believe that the paranoia experienced by our town, collectively, was a good and a healthy thing. We were indoctrinated in “stranger danger” stuff, we HAD to learn that we had to look over our backs and take care of ourselves … and not trust anyone. Because this little boy disappeared from his own front yard, while his mother was watching!!! So paranoia ruled. Our parents became paranoid, the teachers became paranoid, the cops became paranoid, the kids became paranoid … and I remember an overwhelming feeling of SAFETY because of that paranoia.)
I’ll be talking more about this later.
I think the Etan Patz kidnapping, here in New York, was the first child abduction to make a big splash in the national news. Or at least started the modern coverage of those sorts of incidents. That was in 1979.
The little boy I refer to in the post disappeared in 1975, if I am recalling the dates correctly.
Hi Sheila,
The topic of self-defense is one near and dear to my heart. As a second-degree black belt, I’ve trained some of my friends in self-defense, but I always have been nervous about teaching children, because I would always think that if some little boy got mad at his sister and maimed her, I’d hate to be the one who taught him how to do it. I’d be interested to know the techniques that the police taught.
I always taught little kids to bite. Adults fear to handle animals a lot smaller than kids bcause of their claws and teeth. Kicking shins and kneecaps is good, too – since a lot of bad guys are expecting the shot in the ‘nads. Neither of those is going to maim anyone, if the kid has been properly trained not to bite peers in playground scuffles.
For bigger kids, I taught the benefits of a good elbow – it generates more force over less distance than a punch, and you can throw it behind you as well as to the side and forward.
I think the milk-carton thing started in the mid-80s with John Walsh and his campaign to find missing kids.
I remember seeing Gavin deBecker on TV (Oprah, I think) five or six years ago when he was promoting his book, the name of which escapes me. He had some really good ideas about personal safety, especially for women. He talked a lot about instinct, that little voice that says, “This is NOT normal”, and ACTING ON IT. He said women are so trained to not make a fuss, dismiss their fears as “silly” that they do NOTHING when their instinct is screaming, “GET OUT!” He said we need to learn to not give a crap if the creepy guy alone on the elevator is offended we don’t get on with him, or if the cop gets miffed when we wait to pull over until we get into a lighted, populated area.
It could save your life, listening to your little voice.
But about kids. . .
I’ve incorporated a couple of his ideas into teaching my boys how to keep themselves safe. The first thing is don’t tell them not to talk to strangers. “Stranger” to a child is ANYONE they don’t know, and sometimes you WANT them to talk to a stranger, like a police officer, if they need help. So we’ve taught them WHO they can talk to.
We’ve stressed that if they’re ever lost, like in Wal-Mart, to find a woman in uniform (since women are less likely to be sex offenders) and tell them that they’re lost, and they need to find their mom (or dad or grandma, etc.). This actually happened one day when my MIL had them at the store. Alex had to go to the bathroom, Hayden took him, and then they lost my MIL trying to get back to her. So Hayden did EXACTLY what he was supposed to do, he went to the “lady in the red vest” (“‘Cause she’s the boss, mom.”) and told her he’d lost his MawMaw and could she please call her and tell her to come to the front.
It’s hard to maintain a balance of letting them be kids and do kid things AND keeping them safe. I don’t want them totally paranoid to the point where they don’t go ANYWHERE. We’ve really tried to stress to them that most grownups are good, but that there are grownups out there who hurt kids so they have to be careful. They should listen to their “little voice”; if something about a situation feels strange to them, they’re allowed to be rude to an adult if needed. (Like screaming, “This is not my mom!”) They know no one is allowed to touch them without permission (even their pediatrician asks, which I think is cool). They know that adults shouldn’t ask kids for help (like “Can you help me find my cat?”) and if one DOES, they are to say, “I’ll have to ask my mom,” then run like hell.
I guess more than anything, we’ve taught them to be aware of what’s going on around them. To trust their instincts. But still watch them like hawks.
And Lisa -
Do you have any tips on how to give your kids a highly developed sense of paranoia?
I have spoken with some of my friends who have kids – and even though they have learned all these lessons – they KNOW that their little one would completely get sucked in if a stranger said, “Can you help me find my kitty?”
They have done terrifying studies of just how EASY it is to fool little kids, even little kids nowadays who are supposedly so much more savvy and cynical.
Like – there was one study done where – a stranger-danger seminar was held at a grade school. Kids learned, all was good. 2 days later, they did an experiment with the same kids – and approached them in playgrounds, said stuff like, “Your mommy told me it was okay that I drive you home” – stuff like that – and it was as though the stranger-danger seminar had never occurred. The little kids went trotting off to their supposed doom.
Like Carlie Bruscia. That girl was 12. And the videotape of her abduction is chilling and it also enrages me. Now she, God bless her, fought hard for her life. But at Point B, not Point A. She docilely went with her abductor, strolling off meekly to her death like a good little victim.
She had NO “Make a scene at Point A” instinct. By the time they get you to Point B, it’s too late. You’re already dead, frankly.
Interesting topic. I had a good number of comments on it, and didn’t want this to get spammy, so see my latest post for more.
I have three sons, ages 14, 11 and 8, and one thing I drum into them contantly is to keep an eye on their brothers when away from the house. Other kids are not nearly as likely to notice something strange going on. Protect your brothers is sort of a mantra at our house.
Thanks, Lion. Look forward to it.
Note: Just updated this post slightly, and put in more thoughts about this whole very important Point A/Point B thing.
I remember the Point A/Point B conversation well. My wife taught our oldest son that if he gets separated at the store, to find a police officer or a mommy with kids. Our kids will get self-defense training when they’re a bit older too, but I like the biting advice. It hadn’t occurred to me.
Oh, man, I know. That Carlie Bruscia tape chilled me to the bone, too. But you know what? We made the boys watch it on TV and we said, “See? She’s NOT FIGHTING. She should be screaming and kicking — fighting back. She didn’t and now she’s dead.” Our rules are constantly reinforced and re-taught with every opportunity. Do I think they’d remember them in a situation? I like to think so. But I can’t know for sure, so I drill it in them again and again.
I’m about average among my friends with this. I have friends that let their kids do a lot more than I do, like walk to school (no way would I do that) or ride their bikes around the neighborhood (mine can ride TO A FRIEND’S HOUSE only, and then they have to call when they get there and call when they leave to come home and believe me, I know how long it takes to get to and from) and then again I have a friend who won’t let her 11-year-old go to a public bathroom by himself. Everybody has their own comfort level.
This is a tough subject. They’re your BABIES, you want to keep them inside 24/7, right beside you, because the world is a horrible, horrible place with evil people out there. Everyone feels like that. But they’re going to have to live in the world sometime, right? You just have to do your best to teach them the skills needed to get by in the world. Show them what’s out there, the evil that men do. Tell them CONSTANTLY how to keep themselves safe. And always be vigilant about where they are, who their friends are, what they do during the day at school. Know their teachers. Know their friends AND their friends’ parents. Watch. Know.
It’s hard. I don’t have every answer, I’m sure. I just do the best I can and pray to God every minute of the day that they’re safe.
Lisa -
Reinforcement I think is very very important. You’re doing all you can, and you’re aware of the dangers. Mr. Lion’s post on this is fantastic.
I found this awhile ago, and saved it despite not having children of my own:
(via http://www.donaldsensing.com/2004_02_01_archive.html#107608055980311129)
* Under no circumstances of any kind will we send a stranger to give you a message or take you with him. Any stranger who claims he has a message from us is lying. You are immediately to run away; do not answer him or hesitate. Just run.
* It is not merely okay to be rude to persons who make you fearful or suspicious of their intentions, it is required. Your safety is paramount.
* To get help in a crowded place like a store or mall, go to a woman first. A woman is more likely to help a scared girl than a man is. But if a man is all there is, go to him. A police officer is best, of course, but do not sacrifice help at hand looking for better help elsewhere.
* In any event, crowds offer safety. Do everything you can to get attention on you. Yell, knock things over, call for police.
* If a man or woman physically attempts to take you away, fight back instantly and loudly. Become a screaming, clawing banshee. Fight dirty! Immediately hit and kick everywhere you can, especially go for eyes and groin. If s/he is wearing glasses, rip them away. Yell for help at the top of your lungs all the while. Yell specifically, “This is not my dad (or mom)! I’m being kidnaped!”
* Remember that your entire objective in fighting back is to be released. If the abductor drops you – hopefully from pain you have inflicted – immediately flee and get help.
lyn -
That is very good, if chilling, stuff. Thanks for that.
Sheila
God Bless you for starting this topic, truly. I hope to start having children in the next couple years, and it is so frightening to think that there are men (and in some cases women) out there who might want to hurt my babies, and I want to do everything humanly possible to protect them, and teach them to protect themselves. Being a child is so terrifying sometimes, I remember once being at a pizza place, in the arcade room, and following a pair of legs I thought belonged to my mother, only to find out it was some other woman…to this day I remember how terrified I was, but I remembered what my mother told me if I got lost, find an employee and ask for help, and I did…they paged for my mother and everything was fine.
This is such an important subject for parents and those of us whom plan to become parents in the near future, it’s such a scary world out there in the real world and even with the internet there are more scares, and kids need to understand not everyone is nice…that there are mean evil people out there.
Laura -
You’re welcome, dear.
I have no idea what goes on in public schools nowadays (are they taught stranger-danger stuff? Probably.) – but I know that I am forever grateful those cops came to my school when I was a little kid and scared the crap out of all of us,. Of course, I wish that that little boy had never disappeared as well.
I meant to add this link, by Mr. Lion, who has a lot of thoughts on this issue as well – so here it is. More good tips.
Kids need to have the crap scared out of them when it comes to danger. I understand it must be tough for youngsters who are taught to be nice and polite, then taught to scream like hell and be violent, but it can be taught and is the best tool in their protection. Despite a parent’s desire to be the protector 24/, it just isn’t possible and the child needs knowledge that can save their life if need be. I still remember my Dad teaching me how to throw a proper punch when I was about 6 years old, he said ‘you never know when you’ll need it.’
Laura -
You know how little kids shriek “YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME” at one another, with completely no shame? They need to have that same attitude about strangers. Even though kids are littler, and don’t have the body strength … nobody should be the “boss” of them.
Now please – I don’t have kids. I don’t know how I would handle all of this. I think about Cashel and worry about him at night. I imagine the unthinkable.
I’m likin’ Lisa’s comments above. Good advice.
I grew up in a very small town, and this TRAGEDY happened … And … I don’t know. It still strikes me as just dern unFAIR. This mother WAS being careful, her son was in the front yard, she WAS watching him, and still ….
Sometimes life fuckin’ BLOWS.
But – what I remember most is the Code-Orange mode that the parents of the town went into. An appropriate response.
This is from my victim-assistance days — lots of times kids are told that if they yell or tell, they’ll get in trouble or be killed, or else their mommy or puppy or little sister will be killed, etc. So you have to communicate to the child that, no matter what threats are made, nobody will get hurt if they yell or tell.
This is from ten years ago so there’s probably better verbiage on this now.
Sheil- The incident to which you refer took place when we were in second grade, so that would be 1974. I remember because one of the neighbors and I went to look for him. We decided he must be at the Boy Scout cabin on Silver Lake, and that we, the second grade girl detectives, would find him and be huge heroes. Instead, I fell down that big hill in front of the cabin in front of the Saugatucket River and broke my right arm. Which really sucked because that meant I had to learn cursive with my left hand. As a matter of fact, I was showing a few of my students just this morning how I can write fairly well with my left hand due to that incident, which of course got me thinking about that particular little boy. Funny how it still sticks with you in these benign moments years and years later…
The point A/point B is very important for everyone, not just kids to understand, as you point out.
When I was in grade school we all walked to the neighborhood school. Every block had 1 or 2 “Block Homes” with a little yellow sign in the window. Those were homes where a stay at home Mom or some retired couple lived and they were there for any kid to go to if they were lost or frightened somehow. We were all taught in school to run to one of those homes if a stranger approached or we felt threatened. I don’t know when they went away but I haven’t seen those in a long time.
We were also taught to be aware of our surroundings, and that we shouldn’t go anywhere alone. Safety in numbers. There were so many kids around that wasn’t a problem.
I’ve never heard of the “block homes” but that’s a really cool idea, a good safety net for kids.
Hi I read the lions post then came here, both of these are very eye opening post. We grew up in the country where every body smiles and nods as friend or foe, but always watching each other. I will make my post on this tomorrow.
Play it Safe; ALWAYS: Kel.
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