The Books: “Sister Mary Ignatius Explains It All For You” (Christopher Durang)

Next in my Daily Book Excerpt:

56c1225b9da0027805754110._AA240_.L.jpgMore from Christopher Durang Volume I: 27 Short Plays

The following excerpt is from his funny (and angry) play Sister Mary Ignatius Explains It All For You. Durang obviously grew up Catholic. His essay about why he wrote this play (and when he wrote the play – during the year that his mother was dying) is fascinating. He grew up in the 1950s, so his experience of Catholicism was strictly pre-Vatican II. He wrote:

Looking back, I realized that the Catholicism of my childhood had an answer for absolutely everything — it was extremely thorough. I had this impulse to write a play in which a nun came out and explained everything — the nature and purpose of the universe, if you will, but as told through the prism of Catholic dogma.

And so that’s what he did. Sister Mary Ignatius sweeps on stage, in full habit, and talks at us for 10 pages in an uninterrupted (VERY FUNNY) monologue. It is not one of those “hahaha look at the crazy nun” things, Durang is very clear about that in his notes to the actors. Mary Ignatius must be completely sincere, whether or not you think she is bonkers or not. She COMPLETELY believes that everyone is going to hell, and everyone is on the verge of moral collapse at all times. She is SINCERE in this fear. Play it for real. I’ve seen actresses play it for real, and when they do? When they don’t turn her into stereotype rigid nun, and really play her as a believer who is TRULY frightened for the rest of humanity … it is absolutely hilarious. But only if you play it real.

After the Sister lectures us (and “explains it all”), 4 or 5 adults knock on her door, and enter … turns out that they were her students back in the 1950s, and they have come back to … well, to confront her.

Remember though – this play is a comedy. A broad comedy. It’s really hard to get the tone right. Durang did not hate Catholicism. But he did hate the black and white “have an answer for everything” side of it, and so he completely lampoons it in this play. Sister Mary Ignatius has all the answers, knows how you should respond to every situation, and that’s FINAL.

Mary Ignatius, still a terror in the same way she was to the other characters when they were children, interrogates them on their life choices since they left her school. All hell breaks loose.


EXCERPT FROM Sister Mary Ignatius Explains It All For You, by Christopher Durang.

SISTER. (to Philomena) You, with the little girl. Tell me about yourself.

PHILOMENA. Well, my little girl is three, and her name is Wendy.

SISTER. There is no Saint Wendy.

PHILOMENA. Her middle name is Mary.

SISTER. Wendy Mary. Too many Y’s. I’d change it. What does your husband do?

PHILOMENA. I don’t have a husband.

(Long pause)

SISTER. Did he die?

PHILOMENA. I don’t think so. I didn’t know him for very long.

SISTER. Do you sign your letters “Mrs.” or “Miss”?

PHILOMENA. I don’t write letters.

SISTER. Did this person you lost track of marry you befolre he left?

PHILOMENA. (sad) No.

SISTER. Children, you are making me very sad. (to Philomena) Did you get good grades in my class?

PHILOMENA. No, Sister. You said I was stupid.

SISTER. Are you a prostitute?

PHILOMENA. Sister! Certainly not. I just get lonely.

SISTER. (to Philomena and the audience both) The Mother Superior of my own convent may get lonely, but does she have illegitimate children?

ALOYSIUS. There was that nun who stuffed her baby behind her dresser last year.

(Sister stares at him)

ALOYSIUS. It was in the news.

SISTER. No one was addressing you, Aloysuis. Philomena, my point is that loneliness does not excuse sin.

PHILOMENA. But there are worse sins. And I believe Jesus forgives me. After all, he didn’t want them to stone the woman taken in adultery.

SISTER. That was merely a political gesture. In private Christ stoned many women taken in adultery.

DIANE. That’s not in the Bible.

SISTER. (suddenly very angry) Not everything has to be in the Bible. (to audience, trying to recoup) There’s oral tradition in the Church. One priest tells another priest something, it gets passed down through the years.

PHILOMENA. But don’t you believe Jesus forgives people who sin?

SISTER. Yes, of course. He forgives you, but he’s tricky. You have to be truly sorry, and you have to truly resolve not to sin again, or else. He’ll send you straight to hell just like the thief He was crucified next to.

PHILOMENA. I think Jesus forgives me.

SISTER. Well I think you’re going to hell. (to Aloysius) And what about you? Is there anything the matter with you?

ALOYSIUS. Nothing. I’m fine.

SISTER. But are you living properly?

ALOYSIUS. Yes.

SISTER. And you’re married?

ALOYSIUS. Yes.

SISTER. And you don’t use birth control?

ALOYSIUS. No.

SISTER. But you only have two children. Why is that? You’re not spilling your seed like Onan, are you? That’s a sin, you know.

ALOYSIUS. No. It’s just chance that we haven’t had more.

SISTER. And you go to mass once a week, and communion at least once a year, and confession at least once a year? Right?

ALOYSIUS. Yes.

SISTER. Well, I’m very pleased then.

ALOYSIUS. I am an alcoholic. And recently I’ve started to hit my wife. And I keep thinking about suicide.

SISTER. (thinks for a moment) Within bounds, all those things are venial sins. (to audience) At least one of my students turned out well. (to Aloysius) Of course, I don’t know how hard you’re hitting your wife; but with prayer and God’s grace …

ALOYSIUS. My wife is very unhappy.

SISTER. Yes, but eventually there’s death. And then everlasting happiness in heaven. (with real feeling) Some days I long for heaven. (to Gary) And you? Have you turned out all right?

GARY. I’m okay.

SISTER. And you don’t use birth control?

GARY. Definitely not.

SISTER. That’s good. (looks at him) What do you mean, “Definitely not”?

GARY. I … don’t use it.

SISTER. And you’re not married. Have you not found the right girl?

GARY. In a manner of speaking.

SISTER. (grim, choosing not to pursue it) Okay. (walks away, but can’t leave it, comes back to him) You do that thing that makes Jesus puke, don’t you?

GARY. Pardon?

SISTER. Drop the polite boy manner, buster. When your mother looks at you, she turns into a pillar of salt, right?

GARY. What?

SISTER. Sodom and Gomorrah, stupid. You sleep with men, don’t you?

GARY. Well … yes.

SISTER. Jesus, Mary and Joseph! We have a regular cross section in here.

GARY. I got seduced when I was in the seminary. (Sister looks horrified) I mean, I’d been denying it up to then.

SISTER. We don’t want to hear about it.

GARY. And then when I left the seminary, I was very upset, and then I went to New York and I slept with five hundred different people.

SISTER. Jesus is going to throw up.

GARY. But then I decided I was trashing my life, and so I only had sex with guys I had an emotional relationship with.

SISTER. That must have cut it down to about three hundred.

GARY. And now I’m living with this one guy who I’d gone to grade school with and only ran into again two years ago, and we’re faithful with one another and stuff. He was in your class too. Jeff Hannigan.

SISTER. He was a bad boy. Some of them should be left on the side of a hill to die, and he was one.

GARY. You remember him?

SISTER. Not really. His type.

GARY. Anyway, when I met him again, he was still a practicing Catholic, and so now I am again too.

SISTER. I’d practice a little harder if I were you.

GARY. So I don’t think I’m so bad.

SISTER. (makes a “vomit” sound) Bleeeeeeeeeeeeeggghhhhhhh. You make me want to “bleeeeeegggghhhh.”

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11 Responses to The Books: “Sister Mary Ignatius Explains It All For You” (Christopher Durang)

  1. peteb says:

    For some reason, Sheila, the image of Tom Cruise explaining it all as Sister Mary Ignatius keeps popping into my head.

  2. This reminds me that I’ve got Garry Wills’ books Papel Sin and Why I Am a Catholic on my pile to read.

  3. red says:

    scott – weird, I just had a conversation 2 nights ago about those 2 books. I heard that the second one – the Why I am a Catholic one – is amazing.

  4. 2 nights ago, 2 books, 2nd book… I suddenly feel like John Nash.

  5. Incidentally I just started Atonement on your recommendation.

  6. red says:

    Oh boy. Sad book. But also so good.

  7. timmac says:

    My Sister Mary Ignatius was “Sister Sylvia” in St Peter’s Elementary School. My three brothers and I had the dubious pleasure of having her in the fourth grade. The worst year of my life, although most of my catholic education was much better…

  8. I love this play so much. Have you seen the film version with Diane Keaton? If so, what did you think? I normally think she’s fantastic but I don’t think she had a good grasp on this role. Or maybe it was the whole adaptation that wasn’t right. I’d love to know your take on it.

    Oh and you totally put me in the mood to re-read 27 Short Plays.

  9. red says:

    I actually didn’t see the movie, curly!! i wasn’t even aware there was one!

    Did Keaton camp it up? Was that the problem?

    I truly believe that this part needs to be played as straight as possible. I can see how actresses would feel the desire to make fun of Mary Ignatius – but that’s missing the point.

    I saw my friend Nancy do the role (she was an incredible actress – sadly, I have lost touch with her) … but when she said the line: “Children, you are making me very sad” … she was TRULY sad. Like, tears flooded her eyes.

    Because her emotion was true, it was even FUNNIER. Like the more serious and sad she got, the funnier it was.

  10. That’s precisely was Diane Keaton did! She lampooned the nun and it just didn’t work. I think the movie might have been a Showtime original. I never knew about the movie either but I stumbled on it one day when flipping channels. It’s not great but you should check it out. Here’s the IMDB link.

  11. Pingback: 78. nevermore | A hard and a rock place

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