It’s really amazing how universal all of this is. I suppose it’s why the movie Office Space is such a classic. Why are all offices the same??? Because they’re run by human beings, I guess, and on some level – we are all the same.
Take this for example:
But at work, the hallway contains other people, and it’s a pretty long hallway, so if I see someone coming towards me from the other end, it’s a whole thing with waiting for him or her to get close enough and then doing the nod/smile “how ya doin'” combo, unless it’s someone I actually know, in which case the two of us have to fit in a “Hey, how’s it going?”/”Good, you?”/”Oh, you know” in the three seconds it takes us to pass each other, and then of course we’ve probably recognized each other way before that, but The Second Law Of Hallway Dynamics states that we have to wait to acknowledge each other until we’re within twenty feet of one another, so outside of that radius, each of us has to act like we haven’t seen the other one it’s absurd, and yet everyone does it, and I remembered exactly how to do it like I’d just left my last office job the day before. The brisk nod, coupled with the warm but not-showing-teeth smile? The not-quite-out-loud, not-quite-whispered-either “hey”? Like breathing. Kind of scary how easily it came back, really.
That is just so right ON. This is how it is EVERYWHERE.
And don’t even get me started on the universality of “The Poo Stall” ….
At least it’s universal in the female experience. Not sure if males designate (silently) a “poo stall” – and: what is incredible in her description: it’s always THE SAME STALL in ALL OFFICES that is designated “the Poo Stall”.
Someone should do an anthropological study on office bathroom behavior.
I know that Curly has begun the process. I’ve also conducted some market research in this area.
The third law of office hallway dynamics
Shiela has some interesting musings on everyday social phenomena, but I’m completely at a loss as to the whole “poo stall” thing. But then again I’m a known transgressor of the social norms and customs at my workplace, as the…
No “poo stalls” in the men’s room. Unless all the urinals are filled all the stalls are pretty much “poo stalls”.
Indeed. Using a stall for #1 would be tatamount to admitting that one’s PC muscles were too weak and atrophied to do it standing, and what guy wants to admit that? I’ve seen guys stand around waiting for a urinal even though stalls were available.
Concerning the issue of office stalemates over the perennial question of where to go to lunch, my current workplace has devised a solution that is draconian but effective, namely, to appoint a Lunch Dictator. I’m not sure how our Lunch Dictator got appointed in the first place (he may, in fact, have appointed himself), but everyone knows who he is and defers. It’s ok to offer suggestions ahead of time to the LD, but when he makes his decree on where we are going to go, then that’s where we’re going, and if you don’t like it, to hell with you.
It ain’t democratic, but to quote Anakin Skywalker, “It works.”
Dare I link to Poop Report? (May not be safe for work, depending on the sort of fascist you work for.)
Indeed. Using a stall for #1 would be tatamount to admitting that one’s PC muscles were too weak and atrophied to do it standing, and what guy wants to admit that? I’ve seen guys stand around waiting for a urinal even though stalls were available.
Big exception: if you leave the stall door open, so people can see you’re standing.
Question: Why do building designers even BOTHER putting even numbers of urinals in a men’s room? Since no man will ever stand next to another at the urinal (barring an emergency), the urinal on the end will always go to waste! Architects! Either put in odd numbers of urinals, or start using dividers!
Mitch,
I couldn’t agree more. Even with odd numbers, however, adherence to certain rules of etiquette is required. For instance, don’t you hate it when there are 5 urinals and some guy is already at #1, and then another guy who is ahead of you chooses not #3 or #5, the way he’s supposed to do, but #4, forcing you to stand next to one of them.
This was my favorite part of the post. It’s SO true:
Another excellent topic: the weekend. If you don’t know what to say to the people you work with, nothing does the trick like reminiscing about, or looking forward to, times when you don’t have to hang out with them. Heh.
For instance, don’t you hate it when there are 5 urinals and some guy is already at #1, and then another guy who is ahead of you chooses not #3 or #5, the way he’s supposed to do, but #4, forcing you to stand next to one of them.
There should be a law against it. The problem is they just put ’em too close together, or the dividers not high enough.
For instance, don’t you hate it when there are 5 urinals and some guy is already at #1, and then another guy who is ahead of you chooses not #3 or #5, the way he’s supposed to do, but #4, forcing you to stand next to one of them.
That’s what stalls are for.
With the door open, natch, as a silent rebuke to the nekulturny at #4.
Mitch,
HAHAHA!
And thank you for the addition to my vocabulary. I had to find the definition at The Xenophobe’s Guide to the Russians: Culture, but that is definitely a word to keep.
Nekulturny was used in our bogus review of Christo’s The Gates – I believe we said something about “the nekulturny hordes”
hahahahahaha
Found the sentence:
“As rendered in ‘Gates’, the effect is homiletic rather than narrative–especially the goose shit on the sidewalks, which provides a whimsical counterpoint as well as a sobering reminder of our paternalistic dichotomy, where all true art is of necessity samizdat, and thus destined to languish in obscurity, ignored by the nekulturny hordes of bourgeois apparatchiks.”
hahahahahahahahaha
Hahahahaha, Bryan and Mitch. Is such bathroom etiquette in y’all’s handbook like the rule about TWO guys have to sit with a seat between them at the movies, but THREE guys can sit beside each other?
Lisa – I know. These are all genius comments. I just love how universal it all is – EVERYONE experiences this stuff. it’s hysterical.
The “poo” stall?
sorry, guess my area of work is too far from the corporate world for that to be a concept. (That, and the fact that the ladies’ room nearest me has but two stalls…)
Also – the weekend thing. I never got that, but then again, a lot of my weekends are spent working, so it’s often little different from the week. (That said, the academician’s variant of weekend talk is usually along these lines:
Person 1:”Man, I worked so hard this weekend.”
Person 2:”Yeah, I had two classes’ worth of essay exams to grade, and also the deadline for that grant proposal is coming up. I think I spent total of 40 hours in here last weekend”
Person 3: (scoffs) “Weekend?” (rolls eyes) “I was working so hard I didn’t even realize it was the weekend.”
Of course, if you’re one of those pikers who takes a weekend off now and then, you’re kind of at a loss of what to say…
there’s probably a Master’s Thesis to be had out of Masochistic Posturing Among Academics…
Is such bathroom etiquette in y’all’s handbook like the rule about TWO guys have to sit with a seat between them at the movies, but THREE guys can sit beside each other?
Exactly correct, only the bathroom laws are MORE strictly-enforced. Never stand at adjacent urinals; ALWAYS keep your eyes straight ahead; never make eye contact in the rest room; no matter how foul the emanation or how extreme the noise coming from a stall, never ever comment.
I should write a post someday about all the celebrities (and “celebrities”) I’ve run into in men’s rooms – standing, down the row, unable to say a thing…
The first rule of Bathroom is we don’t talk about Bathroom.
Lisa,
I agree with Mitch; the Bathroom Rules are much more important than movie theater rules. Vastly more so. I have sat next to a male friend at the movie theater many times and thought nothing of it, but the Bathroom Rules are inviolate. Hence our collective contempt for the jerk at urinal #4.
Incidentally, lest any of you ladies think that this is all about homophobia, I would argue that it is something different. One doesn’t want to be urinating right next to another guy with no divider between because one doesn’t want to be in a silent competition over a) whose dick is bigger (esp. since in the flaccid state it varies considerably based on a number of variables) or b) whose PC muscles are stronger (i.e., is one capable only of a pathetic dribble or could one hit Okinawa from the coast of California). It is a tacit agreement that we are not in the bathroom together to compare manhood or to play Alpha Male games. We are there merely to pump ship and then to get back to the business of being corporate stiffs as quickly as possible.
Hitting Okinawa isn’t all that.
bryan – I have never thought the urinal separation rule was homophobic (although I do chuckle when I see guys putting seats between at the movie theatres) …
To me, the bathroom is … I always felt a little bit bad for guys, having to “whip it out”, so to speak, in front of strangers. It’s a private moment, you’re URINATING, it’s your genitals – it’s private. It’s always seemed … kind of strange that it is assumed guys would be okay with that, and women need to skulk around behind stall doors.
I don’t want another woman staring at my genitalia AS I URINATE. Uhm … no, thanks.
Also Bryan:
“our collective contempt for the jerk at urinal #4.”
hahahahaha It’s so specific and yet so universal! I love it!
Who IS that jerk? Why didn’t he get the memo you all got?
Yeah, Mitch and I really need to kick that jerk’s ass.
Bryan,
One o’ these days, I tell ya. Pow.
Guys have to become pretty inured to it. Actually, urinals are a step up from the worst – the communal trough. They’re common at sports stadiums and concerts; it’s just a trough. You amble up, and do your biz. Not a place for stage fright.
Unrelated matter: Chat at the urinals (for people who break the rule about NEVER talking at the urinals, which usually happens at bars near last call) is invariably moronic.
Three guys at a urinal, toward last call:
JERK 1: “Water sure is cold”. (Yuk yuk yuk)
JERK 2: “And it’s deep!”. (Hooooooohahahah!)
JERK 3: “And it hits a T-flange about six feet down…”
I have heard stories about the trough at Komisky Park. Ew!!!
The bigger the venue, the skankier the trough’s gonna be.
The old Saint Paul Civic Center, though…still queasy thinking about ’em…
the worst was Fenway before the new owners spruced it up a bit, I went to three games, I think in 2000, and going into the mens room was almost degrading, trough urinal, wet floor. if you were wearing sandals it was quite unsafe. It made me long for Veterans stadium. I can use the stalls in the office for number 2, but I prefer always using the same one.
*Japan flashbacks* Aaaaaaagh!
The worst public urinal I’ve ever been to was in Afghanistan. But seeing as how it’s Afghanistan, I’m willing to wave the ick factor.
Japan should just know better.
#4 Jerk is the same guy that:
– uses up two parking spaces in a crowded lot ‘cus he doesn’t want his car scratched
– waits until he’s in the front of the ATM line to fill out his deposit slip
– takes 12 items into the “10 items or less” express line at the grocery store ‘cus it’s close enough (oh, and writes a check when it says “Cash Only”