The Books: “At Home” (Michael Weller)

Next on the script shelf

Next play in my little unalphabetized pile of Samuel French plays is a one-act by Michael Weller which I had completely forgotten about until this morning: At Home. I LOVE Michael Weller. I don’t know why he always slips my mind! He’s a wonderful playwright – very kitchen sink drama – but also very funny. He wrote Moonchildren – one of his major successes. At Home is a two-character play – Carol and Paul are married. The beginning of the play finds them right after they have had a fight. They are having another couple over for dinner – who have not arrived yet. As they make the salad, they fight about the vegetables or whatever – and eventually, of course, it is revealed that they are fighting about WAY more than vegetables. It’s a small play – it’s a slice of life play -

I just love his dialogue. It’s funny, it’s human, it’s surprising – it sounds like people talk. I need to get more Michael Weller in my library, actually.

I’ll excerpt a bit from the beginning of the play.

From At Home, by Michael Weller

CAROL. Well?

PAUL. She’s on her way. She’s not there.

CAROL. Who were you talking to?

PAUL. Her machine.

CAROL. Oh. How is it.

PAUL. Fine. Her machine is fine.

CAROL. Are you going to give me a hand?

PAUL. What happened to the other wine glass?

CAROL. It broke.

PAUL. It broke? It just sat there and broke?

CAROL. I broke it.

PAUL. When?

CAROL. A few weeks ago. You put it at the edge of the shelf. I opened the door and it fell out.

PAUL. I did not put the wine glasses near the edge of the shelf. I never put the wine glasses near the edge of the shelf. I always put them in back.

CAROL. Some people broke in. Four men. They moved the wine glasses to the edge of the shelf, closed the cabinet door and got away undetected. I didn’t call the police because I didn’t want to upset you, I know how important those wine glasses are to you …

PAUL. They’re a wedding present, Carol. It’s not funny.

CAROL. All right, it was only two men …

PAUL. Why does everything get broken around here? Why don’t we have a single complete set on anything any more.

CAROL. Well get married again and cash in. We’ll get divorced and then get married again.

PAUL. You say the most incredibly stupid things sometimes.

CAROL. So do you. This is still the argument, isn’t it. We’re still arguing.

PAUL. No. I mean, I don’t know.

CAROL. Come on, give me a hand with the salad and show me what I’m supposed to do with that potato thing creation stuff you started.

PAUL. I thought I fuck everything up in the kitchen.

CAROL. Sweetie, I was angry. You’re not supposed to listen to what I say when I’m angry. You’re just supposed to listen to the noise. It’s just noise, it’s not words. It didn’t happen. I didn’t say anything. I take it all back.

PAUL. But why did you get angry, that’s what I don’t understand. What did I say? What did I do.

CAROL. Nothing. There was no reason. I just got angry, that’s all.

PAUL. I thought you liked her. I thought you two were friends.

CAROL. Who? Jean? I do. I like her. I think she’s super-duper.

PAUL. She’s a friend.

CAROL. That’s right, she’s a friend. That’s why I think she’s super-duper. That’s why I’m dying to meet her new boopsie, that’s why I’m dying to know all about him and it’s going to be a great evening and then they’re going to go home and leave us alone and we can talk about them behind their backs. Now please, sweetie, give me a hand.

PAUL. You’re jealous of her, aren’t you.

CAROL. Oh, you know us married women, we’re always jealous of the single gals.

PAUL. That’s right, make a joke out of it.

CAROL. All right, yes, I’m jealous of Jean. No, I’m not jealous of Jean per se. I’m just … I’m pissed off, that’s all … I’m tired of her …

PAUL. Of what?

CAROL. Of her goddamn fucking insinuations. I’m tired of her hovering around all the time … I’m tired of … I don’t like the way she keeps making such an effort to be my friend when she doesn’t like me all that much really and I barely like her at all and she knows it and I … why does she keep wanting me to go shopping with her and take yoga classes and have lunch.

PAUL. But she does like you.

CAROL. She likes you, Paul. She’s your friend. She keeps wanting to hang around with me so we can all be friends so she can be your friend and it won’t look so obvious what’s going on.

PAUL. That’s bullshit.

CAROL. You know what she talks about when we’re together? You. What a great guy you are. How lucky I am. How she wishes she had someone like you. How much fun she has with us, meaning you, what a perfect couple we are. I mean, I get the point.

PAUL. Well if you feel that way why do you keep hanging around with her.

CAROL. Because I’m not going to give her the satisfaction of not hanging around with her.

PAUL. You’re being absurd, you know that? Jean is a friend. She happens to be a woman. What’s wrong with that. What’s wrong with the fact that I have a best friend that’s a woman. I’m a freak, all right, I’m not normal, I don’t like baseball, I don’t like poker, I don’t like talking about women I’d like to sleep with … I don’t like beer. I like women, I like to be with them, I prefer it. It’s not sexual. I just enjoy spending time with Jean.

CAROL. Well that’s terrific.

PAUL. You have men friends. It’s not sexual.

CAROL. Who?

PAUL. Who? Well, Larry, for one.

CAROL. Larry’s gay.

PAUL. Gay? He’s living with Vickie.

CAROL. He needs time. He’s a slow developer.

PAUL. I don’t believe this conversation. This isn’t us. I don’t recognize us in this conversation.

CAROL. Paul. I’m sorry about … before. I was just in a good mood. I don’t know why you took it the way you did. I mean, don’t you think it’s a little much for you to get so worked up over a carrot. It’s not the end of the world, you know. We do have other carrots. Can I have some wine? [Paul pours her a glass. She drinks. After a moment.]

PAUL. It wasn’t the carrot.

CAROL. Thenw hat was it?

PAUL. It was your poking the carrot with a pencil.

CAROL. This is a really grown-up conversation. I feel really adult.

PAUL. You asked.

CAROL. Paul, could we please have a talk-talk. This is stupid. This isn’t getting us anywhere.

PAUL. We have to do the meal.

CAROL. I don’t care about the meal right now. If we don’t figure out what this was all about before they get here I swear when she walks through that door with her Elrod or Ogden or Travis or whatever his name is I’m going to shove the roast down her blouse. I can’t stand this, Paul, I can’t stand it.

PAUL. All right, we’ll talk-talk.

CAROL. Good.

PAUL. You frist.

CAROL. Can I have a little more wine? [He pours for both of them. She giggles]

PAUL. What?

CAROL. You’re just so cute. [They drink]

PAUL. Well? It’s your turn.

CAROL. All right. Talk-talk. I want to tell you what I think happened. This is how I see it. You were makikng the salad. You were cutting the carrots. I was putting the roast in the oven. You were talking about Jean. Do you agree so far?

PAUL. Yes.

CAROL. OK. Now … you were saying how much fun Jean is. How she really listens to what you’re saying, how she really seems to understand you, how she’s really interesting. [Pause] Well, isn’t that what you were saying.

PAUL. What are you getting at.

CAROL. Well, I am too, goddamnit, I’m all those things.

PAUL. I never said you weren’t.

CAROL. It’s still my turn, let me finish.

PAUL. May I just say one thing?

CAROL. What?

PAUL. I think you’re all those things, too. It’s just that I happened to be talking about Jean.

CAROL. OK, you can tell me when it’s your turn.

PAUL. I love you, Carol.

CAROL. OK, don’t forget anything you’re going to say, but let me finish.

PAUL. You’re beautiful …

CAROL. You were making the salad …

PAUL. You’re sexy …

CAROL. Thank you … so I looked at the salad …

PAUL. I want to make love …

CAROL. Babe, please, let me finish. Let’s just clear this up but don’t keep trying to change the subject.

PAUL. All right, but I just want you to know while you’re talking, I want you to keep in mind the fact that I have an erection.

CAROL. Paul, why do you always do this!

PAUL. Get an erection …?

CAROL. Forget it … [Carol rises angrily and starts out]

PAUL. All right, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m an asshole. Come back.

CAROL. Will you listen to me?

PAUL. Yes, I will listen to you. Come on, sit down. [Carol sits back down]

C AROL. You were cutting the carrots and talking about Jean and you didn’t see me but I was looking at you. And I was wondering why you always think everyone is so great and interesting and wonderful all the time. And then I wondered what it would be like if I was the same way … if I felt the same way about everything … maybe that would be better, maybe I’d be a better person … I’m just telling you what I was thinking about, and then suddenly I thought you’re the most beautiful man I ever saw and that surprised me because we’ve been married six years and sometimes I look at you and you seem like someone I just met and I want to have a date with you and make you fall in love with me and then I realize you’re my husband and it seems amazing to me. So, anyway, I saw you cutting the carrot and I thought wouldn’t it be nice if we were bunny rabbits.

PAUL. Bunny rabbits?

CAROL. Yeah. We could be furry brown bunny rabbits and dig a hole in the ground and cuddle up together and … and never ever see anybody … and that’d be all I want. It was just a thought. But I also thought this isn’t the kind of thing I can say to you because … well, because that kind of thing makes you uncomfortable so … so instead I …

PAUL. You poked my carrot with a pencil.

CAROL. Sweetie, I was just joking around. It’s a carrot for christ sake. I thought it was funny. I was having a good time, like wives can have with their husbands, just like their husbands can have with their best non-sexual female friends.

PAUL. I asked you to stop. I didn’t get angry at first. I asked nicely. The carrot is for the salad. You don’t poke a pencil into a carrot that is going into a salad. It’s unsanitary, you could get lead poisoning.

CAROL. Graphite poisoning, they don’t use lead in pencils. Look, Jean’s weird, she’s very weird, but she’s not so weird that she’s going to go rooting through the salad looking for carrots with puncture holes. We’re not suspected of being carrot puncturers.

PAUL. Why did you do it, that’s all I want to know.

CAROL. I told you, I was a bunny rabbit.

PAUL. Bunny rabbits eat carrots. They don’t poke pencils into them.

CAROL. I was being a bunny rabbit with penis envy. [They laugh briefly]

PAUL. This still feels like an argument. [Suddenly, Carol cries openly, no warning. Paul holds her]

CAROL. What we said before … we didn’t mean it, did we?

PAUL. God, I hope not.

CAROL. You don’t want to split up, do you?

PAUL. Of course not … we were just … I don’t know …

CAROL. Why did we say it?

PAUL. It doesn’t matter. We didn’t mean it.

CAROL. We’re the best couple I know. You’re not tired of being together are you?

PAUL. Carol, we were just angry. That’s all. Let’s forget about it.

CAROL. Jean told me people think we’re the perfect couple.

PAUL. Well then we can’t split up, can we. We have too much to live up to. We can’t disappoint all our friends.

CAROL. Splitting up was not mentioned tonight. I declare it to have never been mentioned.

PAUL. I second the motion.

CAROL. Let’s get drunk before they get here. Let’s be really disgusting hosts. See if we can gross-out Jean’s new guy. Damn, the beans. Pour me a little more wine. [Carol exits into the kitchen. Paul pours more wine]

PAUL. I never thought you were jealous, that’s all. You never have been. That’s why I was surprised when … we have all these friends, we see them all the time, we talk about them behind their backs, they talk about us behind our backs, we all wonder who has the best life, the best relationship, the best sex, the best apartment, the most happiness. I mean, that’s what friends are for.
[Carol re-enters]

CAROL. Beans are on. What?

PAUL. I said that’s what friends are for, to make you feel your life isn’t as good as theirs, or that it’s better, or that it even makes any difference. What are you looking at?

CAROL. It scared me, the things we said.

PAUL. It scared me too.

CAROL. Was it moving out of the city? Have you changed your mind?

PAUL. No, I want to get out of here.

CAROL. Was it having a baby?

PAUL. No, I want that, I want everything we’ve been planning. I want it. I’m happy.

CAROL. Then what was it?

PAUL. Do you really think Jean’s trying to get something going with me?

CAROL. If she isn’t she’s stupid. I would if I were her.

PAUL. Come here. [Carol sits on his lap] I don’t know why we talked about splitting up. I don’t want to. And I know you don’t want to. So, therefore, we never said it. All right.