Found this hilarious site via Oxblog: Ugly Dress. It is dedicated to heinous bridesmaid dresses (“archive of the world’s ugliest bride’s maid dresses“), a near-universal topic of disgust and contempt among all of the women I know. If you’re a bridesmaid, and you are pissed off at what the bride has made you wear, you can take a picture of yourself and send it on into this site. I’ve only been a bridesmaid twice, and both times I lucked out primarily because of :
Low-maintenance chilled-out brides
Let me say it again:
Low-maintenance chilled-out brides
Here are the common denominators of low-maintenance chilled-out brides:
They want their wedding day to be a fun day for all.
They want their bridesmaids to be comfortable.
They want to make sure that everyone has a rocking good time.
They themselves want to have a rocking good time.
They do not want to have a nervous breakdown because the flowers are salmon-pink instead of fuschia.
Low-maintenance chilled-out brides will not stuff their 6 bridesmaids into teal-green frilly nightmares, which only look good on Kate-Moss body-types or J. Lo body-types.
The first wedding in which I was a bridesmaid was Meredith and Jacques’. Meredith is one of my best friends from high school. It was a December wedding, there was a snowstorm. Our dresses were made by a local seamstress, they were black velvet on top, with a deep wine-colored satiny skirt. Gorgeous. Comfortable. The dress also looked good on all body-types. They were made to fit each of us. Our shoes were black velvety PayLess shoes. Perfectly functional, looked good, comfortable, cheap. We all had French braids with holly in our hair. We looked terrific. Like a bunch of Lady Macbeths strolling down the aisle. No, just kidding.
The preparations for the wedding were very chilled (at least for us, as bridesmaids).
Thank you, Meredith. Your wedding was gorgeous, we all felt comfortable, and I still have my dress. Lovely.
The second wedding in which I was bridesmaid was the wedding of Jackie and Stuart. Jackie wanted all her bridesmaids in black, but she let us pick out our own dresses. “Just pick out a nice black cocktail dress. Whatever you like best.”
Uhm: Jackie is a HERO among brides!
I bought this little sleeveless black slip-type dress, I had on strappy black sandals, I sang in the wedding, I jitterbugged like a maniac, I had a blast.
So these have been my two bridesmaid experiences. Lovely, through and through.
But I have heard stories. Man, have I heard stories.
Women I know who were bridesmaids are NO LONGER friends with “the bride” because of what a high-maintenance bitch “the bride” was. Forcing bridesmaids to travel far and wide to get to the wedding, broke bridesmaids charging plane tickets, resenting every penny, hating the $600 bright-blue dress they are forced to buy, and the $150 matching bright blue shoes, that no one in their right mind would EVER WEAR AGAIN.
And I have been in attendance at those nightmare weddings, where the bride is a shrieking type-A lunatic, and the poor groom is hungover and pussy-whipped already, the dude already can never match up to the bride’s perfectionist expectations, and all of the bridesmaids (fat, slim, whatever) are wearing saffron-yellow sari-type dresses, or pouffy lavendar lampshades, with sweat stains showing gloriously through, everybody in a fight with each other, the bride universally despised. Miserable pissed-off sweaty bridesmaids.
Jackie was in a wedding-party like this. She was forced to purchase a silk dress which looked like a prom-gown gone wrong. It would fit in quite well on Ugly Dress.com. Jackie hated the dress. She said that the bride said to the resentful bridesmaids: “It’ll be perfect to wear again on New Year’s Eve or whatever.” The typical bride’s excuse. As though normal people go to formal BALLS on New Year’s Eve. Who does that? If you’re going to a party on New Year’s Eve, who the hell would wear a blazing blue silk prom gown with matching blazing blue spike heels? What??
Jackie lived in a little cottage in Snug Harbor, a place where we all, in college, would convene. To drink wine, play Trivial Pursuit or $20,000 Pyramid, walk along the docks, and laugh our asses off.
Jackie, one evening, disappeared upstairs for a while. No explanation. The party continued on downstairs. Suddenly we heard, from the 2nd floor, Jackie burst into song.
“Hit the road, Jack
And don’t you come back no more no MORE NO MORE NO MORE
Hit the road, Jack
And don’t you come back no more….”
She sang in a cheesy Las Vegas Lounge-act voice, and slowly, she appeared …. step-touching her way down the stairs, dressed in her blinding-blue bridesmaid dress and bright-blue spike heels. We, of course, downstairs, all completely dissolved into hysterics, and she continued on with her lounge-act, smoking cigarettes, taking a sip of wine in between numbers, telling inappropriate stories, sashaying around in her BRIDES MAID dress.
If so-and-so, the bride, could have seen Jackie … she would have been devastated. Can you imagine? Knowing that the dress you chose for your wedding was being used as a SPOOF by one of your bridesmaids?
Another friend of ours was also in this infamous wedding, and had the same dress, so the following Halloween, Jackie and I wore the identical dresses to a party. We went as the Sweeney sisters.