The Nightmare of the Bridesmaid

Found this hilarious site via Oxblog: Ugly Dress. It is dedicated to heinous bridesmaid dresses (“archive of the world’s ugliest bride’s maid dresses“), a near-universal topic of disgust and contempt among all of the women I know. If you’re a bridesmaid, and you are pissed off at what the bride has made you wear, you can take a picture of yourself and send it on into this site. I’ve only been a bridesmaid twice, and both times I lucked out primarily because of :

Low-maintenance chilled-out brides

Let me say it again:

Low-maintenance chilled-out brides

Here are the common denominators of low-maintenance chilled-out brides:

They want their wedding day to be a fun day for all.
They want their bridesmaids to be comfortable.
They want to make sure that everyone has a rocking good time.
They themselves want to have a rocking good time.
They do not want to have a nervous breakdown because the flowers are salmon-pink instead of fuschia.

Low-maintenance chilled-out brides will not stuff their 6 bridesmaids into teal-green frilly nightmares, which only look good on Kate-Moss body-types or J. Lo body-types.

The first wedding in which I was a bridesmaid was Meredith and Jacques’. Meredith is one of my best friends from high school. It was a December wedding, there was a snowstorm. Our dresses were made by a local seamstress, they were black velvet on top, with a deep wine-colored satiny skirt. Gorgeous. Comfortable. The dress also looked good on all body-types. They were made to fit each of us. Our shoes were black velvety PayLess shoes. Perfectly functional, looked good, comfortable, cheap. We all had French braids with holly in our hair. We looked terrific. Like a bunch of Lady Macbeths strolling down the aisle. No, just kidding.

The preparations for the wedding were very chilled (at least for us, as bridesmaids).

Thank you, Meredith. Your wedding was gorgeous, we all felt comfortable, and I still have my dress. Lovely.

The second wedding in which I was bridesmaid was the wedding of Jackie and Stuart. Jackie wanted all her bridesmaids in black, but she let us pick out our own dresses. “Just pick out a nice black cocktail dress. Whatever you like best.”

Uhm: Jackie is a HERO among brides!

I bought this little sleeveless black slip-type dress, I had on strappy black sandals, I sang in the wedding, I jitterbugged like a maniac, I had a blast.

So these have been my two bridesmaid experiences. Lovely, through and through.

But I have heard stories. Man, have I heard stories.

Women I know who were bridesmaids are NO LONGER friends with “the bride” because of what a high-maintenance bitch “the bride” was. Forcing bridesmaids to travel far and wide to get to the wedding, broke bridesmaids charging plane tickets, resenting every penny, hating the $600 bright-blue dress they are forced to buy, and the $150 matching bright blue shoes, that no one in their right mind would EVER WEAR AGAIN.

And I have been in attendance at those nightmare weddings, where the bride is a shrieking type-A lunatic, and the poor groom is hungover and pussy-whipped already, the dude already can never match up to the bride’s perfectionist expectations, and all of the bridesmaids (fat, slim, whatever) are wearing saffron-yellow sari-type dresses, or pouffy lavendar lampshades, with sweat stains showing gloriously through, everybody in a fight with each other, the bride universally despised. Miserable pissed-off sweaty bridesmaids.

Jackie was in a wedding-party like this. She was forced to purchase a silk dress which looked like a prom-gown gone wrong. It would fit in quite well on Ugly Jackie hated the dress. She said that the bride said to the resentful bridesmaids: “It’ll be perfect to wear again on New Year’s Eve or whatever.” The typical bride’s excuse. As though normal people go to formal BALLS on New Year’s Eve. Who does that? If you’re going to a party on New Year’s Eve, who the hell would wear a blazing blue silk prom gown with matching blazing blue spike heels? What??

Jackie lived in a little cottage in Snug Harbor, a place where we all, in college, would convene. To drink wine, play Trivial Pursuit or $20,000 Pyramid, walk along the docks, and laugh our asses off.

Jackie, one evening, disappeared upstairs for a while. No explanation. The party continued on downstairs. Suddenly we heard, from the 2nd floor, Jackie burst into song.

“Hit the road, Jack
And don’t you come back no more no MORE NO MORE NO MORE
Hit the road, Jack
And don’t you come back no more….”

She sang in a cheesy Las Vegas Lounge-act voice, and slowly, she appeared …. step-touching her way down the stairs, dressed in her blinding-blue bridesmaid dress and bright-blue spike heels. We, of course, downstairs, all completely dissolved into hysterics, and she continued on with her lounge-act, smoking cigarettes, taking a sip of wine in between numbers, telling inappropriate stories, sashaying around in her BRIDES MAID dress.

If so-and-so, the bride, could have seen Jackie … she would have been devastated. Can you imagine? Knowing that the dress you chose for your wedding was being used as a SPOOF by one of your bridesmaids?

Another friend of ours was also in this infamous wedding, and had the same dress, so the following Halloween, Jackie and I wore the identical dresses to a party. We went as the Sweeney sisters.

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6 Responses to The Nightmare of the Bridesmaid

  1. K says:

    *lmao* Hillarious!

    I hereby solemny swear to be a laid-back, low-maintenance, chilled-out, way-chilled, have fun your own way (as long as children and barnyard animals are not involved) bride. Promise.

    Am having one bridesmaid. She’s got good taste. She’s pickin’ her own dress.

    She keeps threatening to wear pink taffeta, but she’s only kidding.

    She is.

    Isn’t she?

    Thanks for that story, Sheila! I will be a low-maintenace chilled-out birde.

  2. red says:

    Ha ha … I know, I love that site … the sort of tipsy bridesmaids showing off how the dress makes their ass look huge, or whatever.

    The best part of being a low-maintenance chilled-out bride (and this is only from being an observant bridesmaid) is that the bride gets to have a great time too and the day doesn’t pass for her in a stressed-out type A blur!

    Best of luck with your wedding … and congratulations!

  3. Wedding Tales

    Just discovered a great blog through someone who left a comment on this site. This blog is done by Sheila O’Malley. Reading some of her entries had me laughing out loud in my office. There was one on being a bridesmaid that reminded me of my own experi…

  4. helen miles says:

    You have made me laugh out loud.I was married in 1995,and my bridesmaids chose their own dress style the only stipulation being it was a red colour,autumn theme,you see.One of them was my sister in law who was a total barnpot throughout and made me 15 minutes late for church as she couldnt decide which knickers to wear (panties in american!) Same girl gets married on 3/9/04 and has issued everyone including her elderly parents with a protocol list of what to wear how to behave cos this side of the family is such an EMBARRESMENT.So naturally I will use my looks to their full advantage ,dress way too over the top,and of course,if the bitch gets a sunny day Ill make it rain by setting off the sprinklers….am I being to horrible,she is a total bridezilla…Ive also considered filling my 4 & 2 year olds full of e-numbers and colourings dress them up as bridesmaids anyway,and let the fun begin.???

    She has disappeared up her own backside and she needs to have an indelible scar left on her memory for being such a sad fat cow.

  5. red says:


    HAHAHAHA And you also have made me laugh out loud! Thank you for sharing your stories – It seems like we all have them, don’t we??

    Thanks. :)

  6. helenm says:

    Glad to be brightening your day mate,I feel much better for having that rant ,maybe will let you know if anything kicks off next friday,Im not a nutter,but after a few warm Cava’s,who knows what might occur……..?