20 Questions

Got this from the ever-fantastic Elegant Variations (even though I wasn’t asked to play. ha!)

1. What’s the first thing(s) you read in the morning? Either aldaily.com or my email.

2. What’s your favorite guilty pleasure website? I have very few “guilty” pleasures – meaning: I like a lot of things and don’t waste time feeling bad about it. I don’t have a highbrow attitude or a lowbrow. I read a couple of X-rated sex bloggers, so I suppose that counts, too.

3. What job do you fantasize about having?

Olympic figure skater. Not pairs. Solo.

4. Last movie you saw?

Wrong is Right, 1982- directed by Richard Brooks – starring Sean Connery, George Grizzard (RIP) and, yes, Dean Stockwell. It’s a ton of fun!! And HIGHLY prophetic, in terms of the world events today; oil, the west vs. Islam, suicide bombers, New York City and DC threatened by terrorism, etc. It’s also very prophetic about reality television and what it would become. It’s a parody – quite silly, really – but it makes many serious points – and Connery is great. Stockwell – 2 years away from his big comeback – plays the White House chief of staff – an uptight nervy yes-man … one of Stockwell’s wonderful turns as the ultimate bureaucrat.

5. Last book you read? What a question – since I usually read multiple books at the same time. I’ve been reading Bleak House for a couple months now – I am halfway thru. I am also reading Orianna Fallaci’s The Force of Reason – it’s a quick read – I’ll finish it tomorrow. I think the last book I finished was Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star (but don’t have sex or take the car) by Dickie Moore – his book about being a child star in the golden age of movies. Cameo by Dean Stockwell.

6. Best show legendary biz/movie star encounter. Well, I just met Dean Stockwell as is now well known. Favorite moment of the night: Israel (his art dealer and dear friend, who took me under his wing) said to Stockwell, “Have you met Sheila O’Malley, Dean?” and Stockwell said, chomping on his cigar, “About 4 times now, Israel.” Stockwell was over me!!! Beautiful moment, having Stockwell tiredly tell his friend that he had already introduced us a bazillion times, and he was OVER the Sheila O’Malley thing.

I’ve met a lot of celebrities – huge stars – and in many ways all the encounters are awesome. Maybe the one that totally rattled me was when I met Elia Kazan. It took me a couple of days to recover from that one.

But my “meeting” with Liza Minelli is the most notorious of my stories.

But I think my favorite is the one I’ve told here before. I love it because it’s so normal.

I ran into Drew Barrymore on an empty street in Soho at 8 a.m. one morning. I was on my way home, it was a semi walk-of-shame, I mean let’s be honest. I had on my clothes from the night before, and stockings and heels. It was a beautiful morning, and NOBODY was out – I was on a cobblestone street, and there was a girl standing in front of a cafe – talking to a guy through the window – I think she was asking when they would be open – and it’s hard to explian, something funny happened – there was an optical illusion that she and I both saw at the same time – of the “Specials” chalkboard literally flying through the air … We looked thru the window, both happening to glance at the same time, and we saw a flying chalkboard – and I started to laugh at the same moment that this girl did – we both guffawed at the same time. She hadn’t realized I was there, and turned to look at me, and it was Drew Barrymore. She had long red hair, no makeup on, and looked fresh-faced and so pretty … we both shared a laugh, like: “did you see that floating chalkboard … that looked so hysterical …” and then I was on my way. For some reason, I love that moment.

7. Proudest media moment?

I’m not sure what this means. Maybe when I went to the Montreal Film Festival to see a movie I had done – and got to sit in a huge packed theatre and watch myself up on that huge screen, as I ate popcorn. A great moment.

But also – last year – when I got my first piece published nationally. Very proud media moment.

8. Ever had a brush with the law? Describe.

My favorite brush with the law occurred during the 5 day extravaganza when I performed at the Milwaukee Summerfest many moons ago with the great Pat McCurdy. Before heading into Milwaukee – I went up to a farm with 2 of the other folks performing with us – Phil and Kenny – great friends of mine – and hung out with a raucous awesome group of people in a big old ranch house. They were all actors and artists. We spent the entire time cooking and swinging on the swing and setting off bottle rockets and playing Trivial Pursuit and volleyball – it was awesome. I was in a very healthy stage – not drinking at all – running 10 miles a day. I was a rock-hard piece of muscle at this stage, let me tell you! So there was much debauchery all around me, involving alcohol, but I did not partake. Therefore, I was designated driver. There was one day when we had basically eaten all of the food in the house. And everyone had been drinking pretty much all day. The food shortage was alarming. Desperate. In the town a couple of miles away, there was a fireman’s picnic happening – so we decided to go. We all piled into cars and took off. I was driving Phil, Kenny, and Pepper (God, these names!) – all of them had open containers and were blatantly imbibing as I careened through the farmlands. I hit a school zone – unexpectedly – and I was going 55. A cop was parked right there – and of course – as we careened past him, Phil, Kenny and Pepper all glanced right at him, in alarm, paper cups full of beer going up to their mouths. We were SO BUSTED. The cop pulled us over. He pulled me over for speeding but since everyone in the car was not ony drunk but in the process of drinking – and drinking AT the cop as we shrieked by – we were in big trouble. I was in the biggest trouble. I was stone cold sober. I had not had a drink in months. But I had such a guilty conscience I FELT drunk. The cop made us all get out of the car and stand around while he went back to his squad car to figure out what to do with us. He was actually nice – knew Kenny and knew Kenny’s family – but it was still scary. My drunk boyfriends hovered around me telling me everything was going to be okay. The cop made us go to the station with him – I guess he trusted that I wasn’t drunk – and once in the station made me take a breathalizer test – the first and only time. I was terrified! The funniest thing is as I blew into the little thing – Phil and Kenny, drunk, stood on either side of me, rubbing my back, saying, “You’re doing so good, Sheila … good girl …” Like, supporting me emotionally through my breathalizer test. It was a small town so Kenny made mention to the cops that there had been no food in the house, so we were headed to the fireman’s picnic … the cops gave us directions to the picnic and told us to make sure to stop by the fried dough tent because so and so’s wife made the best fried dough. I mean, it was hysterical. I got a whopping speeding ticket, but other than that – we were set free. And for the rest of the night, we re-enacted the entire thing for the rest of our friends – who had been following us in THEIR clown car o’drunkenness and had watched us get pulled over and had been living in terror of what would be done to us. Phil and Kenny and I were all joking about how we would be thrown in jail and have to call Pat to come bail us out so we could perform the next night. We could not stop laughing about Phil, Kenny and Pepper – all taking swigs of beer – AT the cop as we drove by. Like: guys! You’re adults! What are you doing??

I saved the speeding ticket. Still have it. Love it.

9. If you got a unicorn what would you name it?

Asswipe.

I don’t like unicorns.

10. What does your TiVo think about you?

I do not have a television.

11. Character of fiction you most resemble?

Rosa in The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay (with bonus content): A Novel, We are startlingly similar. I rarely see myself in books – but she was so close to me, even down to her whole cutting and pasting into notebooks, that it was creepy.

12. Who plays you in your bio-pic?

Lauren Ambrose? She seems to have the same combination of prickly unlikeability when she feels threatened and sudden swooping vulnerability that knocks aside all resistance.

13. What’s your ringtone?

It’s “Somebody to Love” by Queen but it doesn’t really work as a ringtone. I need to get it changed.

14. Favorite electronic device?

To quote Pat, “my electronic friend”

15. What do your friends say is your best quality?

How I listen. I don’t know – that’s what I think they’d say. But my friends can chime in here and make me feel good about myself if they want!! My boyfriends would all probably say my best quality was my skin, but again, I’d have to let them speak for themselves.

16. What do your enemies say is your worst?

I can be mean. I can be unforgiving when hurt. I can be too dogmatic and rigid. I can be un-selfaware, thick as fog.

17.What natural talent do you wish you had?

I’m not sure if “math” counts as a natural talent, but I’ll say that.

18. What’s your theme song?

I think the best thing is to go with the first thing that comes to my head in a questionnaire such as this – and so I’ll go with “Love will come to you” by the Indigo Girls. Sad song, but it speaks to me in a way like no other song. I always always need to hear its message. Especially the last line.

Guess I wasn’t the best one to ask
Me myself with my face pressed
Up against love’s glass
To see the shiny toy I’ve been hoping for
The one I never could afford
The wide world spins and spits turmoil
And the nations toil for peace
But the paws of fear upon your chest
Only love can soothe that beast
And my words are paper tigers
No match for the predators of pain inside her

I say love will come to you
Hoping just because I spoke the words that they’re true
As if I offered up a crystal ball to look through
Where there’s now one there will be two

I was born under the sign of Cancer
(love will come to you)
Like brushing cloth I smooth the wrinkles for an answer
(love will come)
I’m always closing my eyes and wishing I’m fine
(I close my eyes and wish you fine)
Even though I know I’m not this time
(even though I know you’re not this time)

I say love will come to you
Hoping just because I spoke the words that they’re true
As if I offered up a crystal ball to look through
Where there’s now one there will be two

Dodging your memories a field of knives
Always on the outside looking in on others’ lives

I say love will come to you
Hoping just because I spoke the words that they’re true
As if I offered up a crystal ball to look through
(I have offered up to you)
Where there’s now one there will be two

And I wish her insight to battle loves blindness
Strength from the milk of human kindness
A safe place for all the pieces that scattered
Learn to pretend there’s more than love that matters

19. Do you believe in love at first sight?

Yes. And I don’t agree with it at all. It never did anybody any good.

20. When’s the last time you volunteered? Where?

At a blood drive in my town about a year ago. Thanks for making me feel bad about myself.

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26 Responses to 20 Questions

  1. jackie says:

    Asswipe the Unicorn…. that’s the funniest thing I’ve ever heard.

  2. red says:

    hahahahahaha They make me angry.

  3. Eric the...bald says:

    It’s prounounced “azz-WEE-pay”.

  4. red says:

    Yes. Which is Sanskrit for “stupid”.

  5. Emily says:

    hahaha…the unicorn comment. What the @#$%? It’s a horse with a flippin’ horn. What in the hell is so #$%@#&@#&^@%% appealing about that?

  6. Eric the...bald says:

    How do you feel about narwhals? Or rhinos? Is it the departure from bilateral symmetry that bothers you? What’s really going on here?

  7. Emily says:

    Eric,
    As soon as eleven-year-old girls and grown people that go to Ren Fairs in stupid costumes start collecting porcelain rhinos for no apparent reason, I’ll probably start hating them, too.

  8. amelie / rae says:

    /I’m not sure if “math” counts as a natural talent, but I’ll say that./

    as a math major, i always get a little bit sad when i read things like that.

  9. red says:

    Emily – yes. Your comment covers my problem with unicorns.

  10. red says:

    Eric – I just never went gaga over unicorns. They didn’t “do it” for me.

    The only unicorn I liked was the one in Once and Future King. That, to me, seemed TRULY mythical, almost dangerous – not the fairy fairy rainbow-brite tra-la-la O me pretty maiden version of such.

  11. red says:

    Or wait – maybe it was in Sword in the Stone?? One of those books. THAT unicorn was cool.

  12. wutzizname says:

    aaawwwhhh…and I was going to go to Renfaire for my Birthday this year….

    But the comment about the Unicorn did catch me off guard. I picture a young fantasy film much like the neverending story, with a spunky-little angst-ridden redhead anti-heroine who is trapped inside her childhood fantasies and must defeat the good princess in the Shimmering palace to break into the perception of a young adult. I picture her approaching her saddled unicorn for the final part of her journey as she leaps into action…

    “C’mon Asswipe! to the Palace!!”
    (The Unicorn reluctantly obeys)

  13. red says:

    The Unicorn reluctantly obeys hahahahahaha

  14. Brendan O'Malley says:

    I feel bad for your pet unicorn. He didn’t ask to be a Unicorn.

    “Hey, Celestia, how ya doin’?”

    “Oh, you know, my horns are flaking a bit and my mane occasionally gets snagged on one of the ridges. How about you…uh…Asswipe?”

    “I’m fine. You don’t have to hesitate. I don’t take it personally anymore.”

  15. red says:

    celestia … hahahaha

  16. Alex says:

    I would like to be the first to be asked to sing the theme song for Asswipe-The Two Horned Unicorn.

    I’d like it to be a Disney flick, and I’d like the following to be cast:

    Simpleton The Cobbler: Robert DeNiro

    ButtFace The Cobbler’s Sidekick: Jim Carrey

    Indignant Twat The Solitary Princess: Lindsay Lohan

    Oily Boobs The Wicked Sorceress: Meryl Streep

    …and starring as Asswipe The Two Horned Unicorn: Haley Joel Osmond

  17. Brendan O'Malley says:

    Jeremy Irons has to play the blacksmith who used to be a unicorn but had to saw off his own horn to start his business. For some reason, you can’t get the fire hot enough without a unicorn horn.

    His name would be Toejamfootball.

  18. Alex says:

    Toejamfootball The Blacksmith.

    GENIUS!

    Can he be married to Flying Fig Grease The 80 Foot Amazon Woman? I mean, there has to be a comic couple, right?

    She is voiced by the effervescent Miss Bernadette Peters.

  19. red says:

    hahahahaha I can already see the poster.

    I think we also need to look at a broadway show, a la Little Mermaid, Beauty and Beast.

    Asswipe: The Musical

  20. Brendan O'Malley says:

    In a surprisingly heartfelt cameo, Heath Ledger pops up as Ballsweat the Goat. He pines forever for Dingleberry, a local milk maid with no arms who milks cows and goats with her mouth. Inspired casting choice would be Chloe Sevigny.

  21. Ted says:

    On a more sober note (it’s time for you uniphobes to calm down) your best quality… if I had to choose one…would be your passion – for information, for experience. Your passion.

  22. red says:

    Ted: Thank you!! You’re wonderful!

  23. wutzizname says:

    Okay, Brendan?? The Milkmaid, Dingleberry? That was SO hot. I just had to say that…

    …and yes, Ted. She’s a bit passionate. I agree.

  24. mitchell says:

    1. my e-mail
    2.omg blog..sometimes u see hot famous people with their geitals exposed..yay..but gulity.
    3.i have it
    4.Superbad…loved it
    5.God is Dead..by Ron Currie Jr…brill!!
    6. spent the day with Anne bancroft and Mel Brooks on St. John…ask me about it sometime…its was amazing
    7.the Chicago Sun Times once referred to me as …”Chicago dancer Mitchell Fain…” Im a dancer!!!!
    8.me, J., and my sister in North Conway NH…”Just give ’em the POT!”
    9.i hate them too..but my friend eric refers to redheads as “unicorns”..because they seem mystical to us (redheads …that is)…so id call it Red
    10. n/a
    11. Owen Meaney
    12.Alan Cumming
    13.basic ring
    14.ipod
    15.great taste in friends
    16. terrible elitist
    17.lord..i wish i sang better
    18. You’ve Got a Friend
    19.yes..and it blows chunks
    20.i emceed an HIV/AIDS charity auction in Sept.

  25. just1beth says:

    Did you see the “Charlie the Unicorn” movie on YouTube?? Too funny!!!!!!!

  26. Diary Friday

    In honor of an old DEAR friend who has just “found” me through the Internet: Phil!!! I can’t even begin to describe the adventures I had with this person, how much he was in my life at one point -…

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