Stuff I’ve Been Reading

— There’s a new Jonathan Swift biography which sounds excellent. I very much enjoyed reading this review.

Fantastic essay on Grantland about the insidious “Man up” culture we’ve got going on and how dangerous it is. Not to mention heartless. I dislike it because it assumes that “woman”-ish qualities are negative. It’s misogynistic. But it’s also harmful to men. I think of my sweet young nephews and their wonderful qualities and don’t want them burdened with this “Man up” bullshit. Very good piece saying something that needs to be said.

— I found this essay on reading and grief haunting and beautiful.

— An interesting post on the always-excellent Mental Multivitamin about Soviet poet Vladimir Mayakovsky, which goes along with the Russian Revolution theme from this week.

— I really needed to read this post by Lisa Rosman this past week: A Cat Lady Testifies: Love Is Love. I testify, too. Proud cat lady here. Nothing to be ashamed of, much to celebrate and be grateful for. Hope curls up beside me, licks my hand, stretches on the kitchen floor adorably for my benefit, allows me to rub her belly, and follows me around from room to room. In the worst months of 2009 she would curl up around my head and just lie there as I sobbed. I won’t say I felt comfort because it was a comfortless time. But she was there. In a world that is sometimes a whirlwind of loneliness, it’s good to have her. We’re pals. And I have felt this and know this (and Hope is not my first cat. My first cat was Sammy and he was a superior creature in every way). But I have never put it into words. Thank you, Lisa.

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21 Responses to Stuff I’ve Been Reading

  1. Melissa Sutherland says:

    Love hearing about Hope. I remember when you had the fire. My God, that was a bad time. But you found each other. I trapped (neutered and didn’t release) my two in West New York and now they are living in Keene, NH, as total indoor cats, happy as can be. We had a whole colony behind our house and I managed to get all of them fixed, some adopted, not all. Broke my heart to leave those behind. Somehow, they will always break your heart.

    • sheila says:

      Melissa – good for you for taking care of those cats. It is totally heartbreaking. Hope was left in a box on the sidewalk – before she was brought into the adoption agency where I got her. It just makes you see red. She’s a very good cat with a loving heart. And a total bad-ass with any bug that finds its way into my apartment.

  2. Jennchez says:

    Thank you for the link for the essay reading and grief. It touched me on a deeper level than I was willing to go at the moment, but for some reason couldn’t stop reading.

  3. lisa rosman says:

    Thanks so much for linking to my piece–and for resonating with it. Our relationships with our animals are so private that there’s been something liberating about finding solidarity around them.

    • sheila says:

      Lisa – very liberating. Especially since “cat lady” is used as an insult. I loved your perspective – I certainly share it, but like I said hadn’t really formulated it into words. I am very grateful for my cat Hope. She’s awesome.

  4. DBW says:

    Was reading Lisa’s essay earlier, and suddenly realized it was the 9th anniversary of the death of my own dear feline companion, Miles. The essay had me thinking about him, and then…the date registered. I miss him, and I’m grateful for anything that triggers thoughts about him. Thank you both, Lisa and Sheila.

    • sheila says:

      Oh I remember when Miles passed! It sounds like he was a wonderful and loving creature.

      Our pets are so much a part of our lives and families. It really feels good to acknowledge that.

  5. Chuck in Maine says:

    The essay on Grantland was great. As a veteran, former athlete, current hockey coach of 9 year old players and a father of 4 boys myself, this writing was particularly heart wrenching. I could relate on so many levels. Having been in both great locker rooms and really shitty ones it comes down to one thing, leadership. These activities and their allowance comes from the top either from players, coaches or parents. These actions are cultivated and learned it’s as simple as that.

    Of course, there are stupid, meaningless traditions that occur in all walks of life from the military, sports and even theater (think of how the girls acted in the movie Mean Girls). There really is something to the quote “boys will be boys.” It’s when these actions are purposely and repeatedly done with no regard of where the “line” is or when enough is enough. It really is up to the supposed adult in the room to get the children to behave or teach the life lesson that is really isn’t ok to treat another human being, teammate or colleague as such.

    I mean, let’s admit it, we have all done this stuff in some form or fashion. If you haven’t then bully for you. (HA! I made a funny.) I have acted this way and felt like a big ol’ pile of crap afterwards. I have also been that recipient as well. It’s a hell of a life lesson to be on both sides of the coin when it comes to this issue. I, however, never was taught to “Man-up” by any coach or parent. The advice I was given was to walk away until no further recourse was available, but ALWAYS walk away first. Best advice I got was to surround myself with a group of people that support me because most cowards don’t have the balls to confront a group. Sometimes it worked, others it did not. When it didn’t, I walked away. It’s the same advice I will give to my boys, both biological and not. I refuse to tolerate it in my family. I do not tolerate it in my locker room, period, because teammates are exactly that, they are each other’s mates. They stand for each other and not against one another or they are not going to be on the team. It’s really that simple, I don’t care how talented the player.

    And for those that want to argue that professionals and their locker rooms can’t be treated as such I have a whole truckload of BS for you. These players are vetted and scrutinized for every thing they have done or will most likely do. They are employees of a larger company just like anyone else. Again, it’s a culture, the bully will think that what they are doing is harmless or “just playin’ ” and if the collective or management agrees it will continue and they will tell the people affected to “man-up” and deal with it. Sad, but true.

    Not for me, not for my children, not for my players. Does that make me less of a man? Guess so and I’m quite fine with it. Apologize for the rant Sheila…..

    • sheila says:

      // Does that make me less of a man? //

      Chuck, it wasn’t a rant – it was a heartfelt response to something that is truly upsetting, and I appreciate your perspective. Your question that I pulled out there is one of the things that is so damaging about this “man up” mindset. I mentioned the misogynistic attitude inherent in it – similar to saying someone “throws like a girl” (i.e.: badly, poorly). But it’s the insecurity that it gives to men – the feeling that unless they are Tough/Have no Feelings – then they aren’t “real men”.

      FUCK. THAT.

      Rant away. It is much appreciated. And you sound like a wonderful coach and leader. The kids are lucky to have you!

      • sheila says:

        There’s a great moment in 42, Chuck – have you seen it yet? The coach for the opposing team (I think the Phillies) stands outside his dugout during any game against New York – and piles obscene racial epithets onto Jackie Robinson during his at-bats. Robinson obviously couldn’t fight back. He had to suck it up, ignore it, etc., which made the coach even braver. (Or I should put brave in quotation marks!) Finally, a teammate of Robinson’s (white, obviously – who had never shown any interest in Robinson, hostile or positive, up until that point) – snaps, gets up, walks over to the Phillies dugout and tells the coach to shut the fuck up, basically. Shut. Up.

        When he comes back to his own dugout, Robinson is a bit shocked that someone would stand up for him in such a public way. He says to his teammate, almost shyly, “Thanks.” The white guy, still riled up, looks at Robinson almost not understanding what he is being thanked for – and says, bluntly, “You’re on my team.”

        You stick up for those who are on your team.

        • Chuck in Maine says:

          LOVE the movie 42! It should be mandatory viewing for kids when they are of a certain age (only cos of language and etc) about what struggle really is and what it takes to be a teammate. So many great teachable moments.

          My favorite, and I have loved your writings on it, is still Miracle. I get chills every time I see the scene where Herbie Brooks has all the boys on the ice and asks them, “Who are you and where are you from?”

          MAN! What an incredible moment. Every one came to the team with their notions and pre-meditations about each other. All full of piss and vinegar. He made them realize they are Americans, teammates, playing for the crest on their jersey and more importantly for each other.

          Both movies are so good!

          • sheila says:

            // I get chills every time I see the scene where Herbie Brooks has all the boys on the ice and asks them, “Who are you and where are you from?” //

            Goosebumps right now!

            So glad you saw 42 – I agree: mandatory viewing.

      • Chuck in Maine says:

        I could not agree more. FUCK. THAT. And that’s what I tell my kids and players. Ok, well maybe not with those exact words. If I may, I’ll give you two examples:

        I have a player on my team that lost a toe on his right foot because his Dad ran over his foot with a lawn mower when he was 3. Needless to say, for a 9 year old, this is a sensitive issue. At our team’s first get together, a pool party, some of the players were jabbing and making fun. Well, needless to say Coach had to have a little talk with the team and had the parents circle around too. Basically told the parents, if your son ever acts like this ever again thanks for your $1400 to play I hope you like watching him sit on the bench for 28 games. Then basically told all the players (my son included) what a team is all about. The best part was I took the two specific players aside afterwards that were jabbing at the boy and said exactly the following,
        “Boys, you know what the sad part of all of this is?”
        Sheepishly they replied, “What coach?”
        “He only has 9 toes and skates faster and better than both of you. So, what is your excuse? Looks like you owe him an apology and a commitment to make yourselves better because you guys have 1 more toe and he needs better line mates.”

        The other one involved my oldest specifically. His Chorus teacher at school has been on him since 1st grade to be in chorus. She is impressed with his “talent” (I call it potential, hahaha) and how he has great pitch and tone. Caleb was scared to join after school chorus because of the rumblings he has heard in the halls at school. I had a sit down with him and asked him what he was worried about? And it was the typical stuff, only girls do chorus, etc, etc. So, we went online and I started showing him pictures of Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) and how rough he looks and asked him, “Does he look like a girl to you?”
        “Obviously, not Dad.”
        Then I found a You Tube video of his Tony’s appearance when he hosted and he has an absolutely amazing dance and singing talent.
        “Pretty talented, eh Caleb?”
        “YEAH!”
        “You think anybody is going to give him grief about singing, acting or dancing? Or that he’s a girl.”
        “No way.”
        “And the reason that really is Caleb is because they are jealous. They can’t do what he does, so all they can do is try to pull people with talent down to their level of inability. Rather than seeing if they could work on having talent, they make fun of people for their own shortcomings.”
        “OH.”
        “You can be anything. So try chorus, if you like it, do it. If you like hockey, do it.”
        Well, needless to say, he’s in chorus and uses the Wolverine example often. Actually keeps a picture in his binder.

        ok, really, I am done now. HAHA

        • sheila says:

          Beautiful stories, Chuck. You are making a huge difference in these kids’ lives!! I love the way you handled the missing-toe situation and made the kids think twice about teasing – not just because it was mean but because the kid is a better hockey player – so best work on your game and concentrate on your own selves, kiddos, because there’s plenty of work to do there.

          They won’t forget it.

  6. Chuck in Maine says:

    …and by the way, Hope is ADORABLE! Gotta love those kittehs.

  7. Melissa Sutherland says:

    Sheila, I want to be adopted by Chuck in Maine.

  8. Desirae says:

    “Because this — this idea that Jonathan Martin is a weakling for seeking emotional help — this is some room-temperature faux-macho alpha-pansy nonsense, and I am here to beat it bloody and leave it on the ground. Every writer who’s spreading this around, directly or by implication; every player who’s reaction-bragging about his own phenomenal hardness; every pundit in a square suit who’s braying about the unwritten code of the locker room — every one of these guys should be ashamed of himself, and that’s it, and it’s not a complicated story.”

    Beautiful.

    • sheila says:

      Really strong stuff.

      Suicide rates are higher in men. This kind of bullshit is probably part of the reason why. The shame factor is already so high in getting help. I’m so glad this piece exists and is getting so much traction.

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