… when you are in a movie called Bloody Birthday …
… and you are playing a character named DUKE BENSON …
… and you, in the first five minutes of the movie, are trying to cajole your high school girlfriend into having sex with you …
… and you are doing all of this in a graveyard …
… AT NIGHT …
… it is probably best NOT to choose to jump into an open grave with said half-clad girlfriend, in order to get some privacy for your hot yet gently coerced teenage sex …
… because … I’m just saying …
… when you are in a movie called Bloody Birthday, which begins with an ominous shot of a total eclipse, and the sound of three evil babies being born simultaneously …
… it’s probably best, Mr. Duke Benson, to not try to put your hand up your girlfriend’s dress while lying in an open grave.
Because no good can come of that.
Just a little advice.
Love,
Sheila (who has obviously watched way more horror movies than this Duke Benson guy ever did, so she knows what to avoid, and makeout sessions in cemeteries involving open graves is #1 on the list).
Uh-oh.
Teenage sex never ends well in these movies. Word to the wise.
I myself did not have sex until I was out of my teens (geek), but even as an adolescent, I understood the rules of the game. Sex in open graves is a provocation to the forces of darkness stalking the planet. You are basically BEGGING to be murdered.
Ben Marley as a Goth!
Don’t you have a car to make out in?? The sofa at your house while your parents are out to dinner?? No, Ben Marley, no! I implore you.
What the hell? For Godâs sake, Ben Marley! An open grave? Thatâs your idea of showing a lady a good time?
More specifically, of course it would be an eyewateringly good time in your capable hands, but surely somewhere comfy would be more fun for both of us, er, you?
Dude is a goner.
On a more serious note, this is a good horror film, of the early 80s variety – with sneaking children and gleaming knives – and (strangely) not too much gore – which makes it even scarier.
It’s fun.
Jose Ferrer is in it, for God’s sake!!
And Susan Strasberg!
Not to mention various small ominous frightening children.
Ben Marley got a “special thanks” credit at the end – he’s only in the movie for 5 minutes and all he does is kiss and paw his girlfriend before, you know, biting the big one … so I am determined to figure out why that “special thanks” is there, and what’s behind it. Did he do the film as a favor? Was he friends with the director? Did he somehow help the film to actually happen? He was coming off his Skyward onslaught when he made it … did that have something to do with it?
I will not rest until I find out.
Was he so spectacular at kissing and pawing the producers thought it should be mentioned for posterity? I must know. Glad you’re on the case, Sheila.
Susan Strasberg? Why? How? What?
A, believe me: you need to rent this one immediately. For the Ben Marley factor.
There’s a blogger out there called Final Girl who is a huge horror film afficianado – I adore her!! And she included this movie in her Children Hate You! series (hahahahahahaha) – Here’s her full review.
And while we’re on the subject…
I think it’s important to remember that when you’re in a group and someone goes missing/you heard a strange noise, do not SEPARATE to investigate it. STAY TOGETHER!
Who does that? When you separate, he will kill you. It’s just common (horror movie) sense!
Oh and PS:
I would totally hop into an open grave to have a hot teen makeout session with Ben Marley and his hair.
“Hey, you want to make out?”
“Only if you bring your hair along.”
Also, don’t go into an enclosed space from where there is no escape. Don’t go up into the attic to “investigate”, don’t go down into the cellar to “see what that noise is” …
Seriously, teens, get some SENSE.
“Square Pegs” – ‘It’s Academical’ (or: the heartbreaking return of Larry Simpson, aka Ben Marley)
Here’s part one! PART TWO We left off with our quiz-show team chosen three: Muffy, Larry Simpson, and Patty, and we can already see there are going to be competitive issues between Muffy and Patty for Larry’s love and…
I always have the impression that horror films happen in an alternate reality where there are no horror films.
“I always have the impression that horror films happen in an alternate reality where there are no horror films.”
Melissa, this is one of the best comments EVER!