Funny exchanges from the last couple of days

Patrick: You said she left.

Me: No, what I actually said was ‘she fled into the night’.


Me: Lauren – look at what has happened to my computer. (we both stare at the screen where everything has suddenly magically turned microscopic for no apparent reason)

Lauren: Sheila, maybe you have temporarily become a giant.


Me: But what is it like having a dead conjoined twin attached to your back?

Patrick: I guess you get used to it.


Brooke: (said in a happy excited voice) “So … you BOTH have body image issues and self-esteem issues!!”

Me: (happy, excited) “Yup!”

Brooke: “That is so great!”

Me: “As you and I both know, shared self-hatred is the basis for any healthy relationship.”

Brooke: “AbsoLUTEly!”

This conversation was had over a giant barrel of pickels in a grocery store.


Patrick: Do we need a grownup?

Me: Yes. Call a grownup. Immediately.


Text from my now-past-her-due-date pregnant sister Jean:

“This f-in blows!”


Siobhan: Sheila, can you please scan your costume sketches and send them on to Jean and me so we can see them?


Me: It’s mortifying to have a hickey as an adult.

Michael: The most embarrassing hickey I ever got was one that was on my CHIN.


David: So was that whole kids thing the dealbreaker you mentioned?

Me: Actually, no. It was more about his misuse of apostrophes.


Me: Look, she just needs to know that I am all about nuclear jihad.

Patrick: And crossbows.


Patrick: She hasn’t yet learned to go emotionally dead inside.

Me: And that is the most important skill one needs in life.

Patrick: She’ll get it in time.

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13 Responses to Funny exchanges from the last couple of days

  1. sarahk says:

    These are great. And I LOVE you re: misuse of apostrophes.

  2. PatrickW says:

    Your office sounds like it is a lot funnier than my office.

  3. JFH says:

    This reads like a Howard Hawks era comedy… How do you remember all these quotes?

  4. Marisa says:

    You make me laugh and I’m only experiencing your conversations second hand. Love the “call a grownup” line. :)

  5. tracey says:

    /This conversation was had over a giant barrel of pickels in a grocery store./

    Hahahaha. The perfect detail.

  6. Alex says:

    “She hasn’t yet learned o go emotionally dead inside.”

    In order to be marry someone, this should be an actual test you have to take on paper and be graded on. You MUST possess this skill. If you don’t, you will eventually murder the person you married.


  7. bill says:

    completely absent context.

    completely funny.

    loved those.

  8. red says:

    JFH – there’s a reason why Mitchell calls me ‘the Homer of our group of friends’. I remember everything.

  9. red says:

    Alex – ha!!! Seriously, it is a VERY important skill!!

  10. red says:

    Bill – hahahaha Context would kill much of these.

    Unfortunately, the funniest one was from me, and it was an X-rated one, involving the words “cock” and “cunt” – which is still being bandied about today in emails … but I figured I would spare the easily offended among us. But believe me: it was hilarious!!

  11. red says:

    Marisa – hahahaha The whole “grownup” thing has become such a joke – we love it … we are ALL grownups but in a moment of crisis, we feel we must tell someone else – and THAT person always becomes the grownup who can “fix it”.

    We’ve all taken it on and run with it.

  12. Marisa says:

    I love it.

    It particularly struck a chord with me because of a conversation I had the other day. We are amidst a crisis in my community theater and we had this moment the other day when I looked at the person next to me and said, “I can’t do this. We need grownups.”

    …which naturally led to the horrific realization that WE have in fact been “tagged” as the grownups right at the moment.

  13. red says:

    Marisa – hahaha!! Exactly! Like: “WHERE is the grownup? ….. Oh. I guess that’s us. Uh-oh.”

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