The Sheila Variations

That's a line he probably spent quite a bit of time working on, that's the most absurd part of it.

If the story of Wolf-Man was ever made into a movie - there would be a montage of all his dates, many many many different women ... and in each situation, he would be saying the same words - with the same amount of conviction.

However - once the audience hears it for the 30th straight time, it has quite a different sound.

You would think that after the third or fourth time his date almost laughed in his face, he'd have retired it.

Then again, it might have worked once.

Such a comment would probably work on 60% of the women I know. Or on the women who are regularly polled for the "From Her Side of Things" articles in men's magazines. Those women are very big on monogamy.

60%? Really? I would think the practiced nature of a line like that would pretty much render it useless.

Then again, what do I know?

Maybe you're right. I have a hard time believing any self-respecting woman would hear such an obvious line and get pinwheels of love in her eyes.

But then again - I am never ever polled for articles about women in men's magazines.

Articles about women in men's magazines are what I call "faulty intelligence". I've never tried out any "lines" because I can't keep a straight face reciting them.

Gee, Sheila, I'm a little offended. Tom told me that same line, but instead of wolves, it was "S's". I believed him, goddammit...what a jerk. Thanks for the heads up.

Hey Sheila-- that wolves line makes it one of the best "dating don'ts" stories I've ever heard. (Showing up with the TS Eliot book is pretty good, too.)

I'll add a few random ones:

(a) the girl who, trying to impress with her intellectual depth, pointed to a book on my bookshelf and said "Oh, my God! I have the SAME book!" And it turned out to be the collected works of Shakespeare. Oh my God...

(b) I knew several guys back in the '80s who made the mistake of trying to use their vague knowledge of The Beauty Myth to dating advantage. Usually that involved some kind of clumsy wolf-man-like statement about how horrible it was that society expected women to conform to an impossible standard; and it always (always) led to the more or less conventional (unwinnable, romance-killing) "oh, so you think I'm fat" argument.

(c) Probably the worst move of all-- this guy I knew in college who didn't have a very active social life, but somehow managed to summon the courage to ask a girl in his chem lab out on a date. (I believe it was the first and last time.) He took her out to see what he thought was going to be a cute little movie with Jodie Foster. The movie was The Accused. That's just not a date movie. It wasn't back then, anyway.

Dr. Frank -

I winced at your 1st and 3rd example. Eek. Yeah, The Accused is definitely not a date movie. I saw that movie and had a couple days where I hated all men. Not exactly a romantic feeling.

#2 on your list made me think of this: I went on a couple of dates with an absolutely hilarious person who used to be a Chippendale dancer and had become an improv comedian - he was so freakin' funny - He would do his Chippendale routines for me, making them into a huge GOOF as I would cry with laughter ... Anyway, whenever we would disagree about anything - even what movie we wanted to go see, he would blurt out at me, "Hey, BACK OFF. I read Backlash."
That still makes me laugh.

"I have a hard time believing any self-respecting woman would hear such an obvious line and get pinwheels of love"

Yeah, but it's also hard to believe that millions of people think "Friends" is witty comedy. There are a lot of folks out there who - for whatever reason - just aren't paying very close attention...

Mike -

Or they buy what they read in magazines, hook line and sinker.

"She wants you to know that you are committed to a relationship..."

Or whatever.

Sometimes I read those advice articles, in women's and in men's magazines, just for entertainment.

I should write my own.

For semi-cynical women-of-the-world who have been around the block a couple times, and who treat potential men in their lives with a mixture of wariness and humor.

Or for men who are looking for a common-sense woman who is not sitting around waiting for "the One".

Waiting for the One is a ridiculous waste of time.

Heh heh. (in re: the Chippendale Backlash dude.)

A couple more, Sheila, then I'm done:

I'm not sure if this is as common as it once was, but there was a time when a certain sort of guy would try to ingratiate himself and prove his general touchy feeliness by going around saying "you know, I'm a feminist" and waiting for his little pat on the head or male feminist award. All the girls I knew would just crack up at this, not so much for the sentiment per se as for the banality. It really was like someone issued a memo that read "chicks like it if you say you're a feminist." I never knew any girls that did or from whom this ever elicited anything but a snicker, but I admit I moved in a pretty uncharacteristic circle.

I think it's in a similar spirit that many girls cultivate a knowledge of or enthusiasm for porn, in hopes of coming off like a refreshing change from the unexciting, prudish norm. Oh, wait a minute-- that one actually works...

I could do a whole monologue about women and porn, Dr. Frank.

Maybe we cultivate an enthusiasm of it (heh heh) because ... we enjoy it? We understand that the saying "women are not visually stimulated" is a bullshit myth perpetuated by ... some asshole somewhere?

I'm just speaking hypothetically. You understand.

You mean people still believe in "The One"? I never thought the universe was so well organized that not only is each person assigned "The One", but that other events are orchestrated so that you will one day encounter "The One" assigned to you.

I've met a couple guys who I thought were "the One". and i will not disrespect their memories, or the memory of my feelings for them, by saying, "Clearly, they weren't THE ONE." Too many women (and maybe men, too - I can't speak to that) look at relationships that way. You only have ONE chance.

Those guys, to me, were "the ONE" at the time. I could have made a life with a couple of them, and I'm sure it would have been happy. Or mostly happy. Whatever.

I've spent way too much time being all bummed out that I "missed my chance" at finding "true happiness" because something didn't work out with some guy. Well, with one guy in particular.

I think it's a bit more pedestrian than that. You meet someone, you get along enough, you make each other laugh, blah blah - and then you CHOOSE it. You say YES to it.

that's it.

doesn't sound half bad, actually.

Semi-cynical women-of-the-world are basically my only hope. ;-)
There will always be a plentiful supply of guys who are flashier, more glib, more entrancingly dangerous and/or more well-heeled...

Oh, and to your underlying question, Bill - DEFINITELY people still believe in "the One". It's everywhere. Everywhere. In every article, every TV show ... the search for "the One". it's everywere.

All right, people. Let's have some amusing stories to tell in 2004. at least on this front, okay? This will be one of my resolutions.

Semi-cynical men of the world are my only hope as well.

I don't know if I've ever believed in "The One", but I believe there are people I could make happy and be happy with in return. People who look for something perfect rarely find it.

to that i say One Shmun.

Alas, if only the work that must be done to obtain those amusing stories wasn't so arduous and painful...

Mike,

True. My actual experience while on the date with The Whisperer was one of jittery boredom and annoyance. But now - in retrospect - it's a great story. I love telling it. Especially the part where I said, in the most un-shy manner possible, "I'm very shy", when he mentioned kissing me. I'm a lot of things, but I am not shy. And I practically shouted it at him.

Oh, funny funny stuff.

re: women and porn-- I'm with ya. I don't buy the "women aren't visual" malarky. Lots of girls truly do like pornography. But when they bring it up when you first meet 'em, I'd say they're usually going for an effect. "Nice to meet you. Hey, who's your favorite porn star? Mine's Taylor Rain..." It happens. Just saying...

Anyway, have a great New Year, Sheila!

Dr Frank -

I see what you're saying. Makes total sense to me...

happy 2004 to you too