The Sheila Variations

But a slow and painful death would be ok too.

who is Paris Hilton?

Why, Paris Hilton is the Charo of a new generation!
Except I think Charo actually did sing. Paris has yet to show evidence of any non-XXX talent, unless you count the talent to annoy...

Sheila, I couldn't have said it better myself.

Exactly. She's gotta be the least deserving celebrity in history.

Hmmm. My super-power must be the ability to completely shut out Annoying Things. I watch television constantly, am plugged into the web on average eight hours per day and subscribe to Entertainment Weekly, yet she has failed to bother me. The only time she's a part of my life is during Letterman's monologs and when I check my e-mail.

Here's an example of my mighty powers: just last week, I pulled the latest Entertainment Weekly out of the mailbox and thought, "Who in the heck are these people on the cover?" Turns out it was Nick and Jessica, who have made a career out of being pretty and stupid. After expending five seconds and three brain cells, I turned to the back for the DVD and book reviews and forgot all about them.

Can she take Nick and Jessica with her?

My super-power abilities so far have been able to shut out Jessica Simpson (although a shameful part of me admits I think she's a bit adorable - sue me). I am now strong enough to shut out Ben and J Lo.

But I need the Paris Hilton antidote.

And Charo actually had a PERSONALITY, albeit an annoying and cheesy personality. I remember her on Johnny Carson - and Johnny Carson would laugh from beginning to end of the interview because she was such a nutball.

Paris Hilton? Personality? Nothing, none. And in every picture I see, her face wears the same expression. That same smirky knowing look. I bet she practices it in the mirror.

What I really don't understand is how things got to this point in the first place, even taking into account the normal patterns of decay one too often sees in extremely wealthy families. One would think a sense of social scandal would cause the Hilton family to rein Paris in. Yet this has not happened.

However, after long and careful analysis of the situation, I have come to a conclusion on the matter:

Either A) Paris Hilton and her degenerate kin are conveniently distracting America so the rich may consolidate their gains without notice, or B) they're part of an amazing Bolshevik plot to turn the people into angry, embittered class-warriors. I think "B" might be more on target, since after mere minutes of exposure to Hilton, even I start thinking the estate tax is a good idea.

Best quote ever about Paris Hilton, coming from Jim Treacher: "No, I'm not going to watch the Paris Hilton sex tape. If I wanted to watch a skeleton getting pounded, I'd rent Jason and the Argonauts."

The sad thing about the Hilton sisters is that, with all of their family wealth, they had at their disposal the means to go to school comfortably, make themselves smart, interesting people without having to struggle financially to do so, and really contribute something positive to the world. They partied instead. I blame their parents for the indulgence almost as much as I blame them.

"after mere minutes of exposure to Hilton, even I start thinking the estate tax is a good idea."

Exactly - you'd think that the wealthy of this country would exhibit quiet gratitude for the gifts (Dubya) the rest of us have bestowed upon them. But noooo, instead they inflict on us those fingernails on chalkboard personified that are the Hilton sisters.

"a skeleton getting pounded..."

Okay, that is classic.

Yeah, it's the smug self-satisfaction that I can't stand. And for what? For being rich? Nothing has been cultivated in her, no appreciation, nothing. Enjoy it, Toots, cause you're gonna be one of those fright-night plastic-surgery-mutilated middle-aged women, in a loveless marriage, with not a thought in your head.

I may be poor, but I know that, on occasion, I actually THINK about things. I can actually, on occasion, look at life and have some THOUGHTS about it.

Am I the only one that thinks Paris Hilton resembles an Afghan hound? Long pointy bitchy face. ewww. Also, say that name out loud. Listen to it. She HAD to be a porn star with a name like that.Either that, or she was destined to be a massively overweight rich girl- "Man, she's the size of a house- naw, not a house- a HOTEL! The Paris Hilton!" Clearly, her parents weren't thinking when they named her.

I don't know about the Afghan hound, but I certainly think she's a dog.

I would have once agreed with Jim, as I assumed that Paris Hilton was part of those horrible chain hotels the world over. Thanks to MSN I now know she's a scrawny slapper, and her sister's a bit of a tart too. Actually, I really don't care what she does at all. I just wish that I could rid myself of the knowledge of her, and her parasitical kind, and remember something more interesting instead. Anything more interesting...even the lyrics to Boney M songs would do.

Paris Hilton is the first person who became famous for doing absolutely nothing. She's the idol of young generation and has the world at her feet.

I can do nothing but admire her for winning the battle without the use of any weapons.