The Sheila Variations

you turned me on to dooce a few weeks ago - she is smart and funny and I enjoy her very much!

What a wonderful post. We are biological beings whose main duty is to perpetuate the species. Those without children(by choice)aren't completely participating in the human experience. As a mea culpa, I would have found these thoughts narrow-minded and laughable 8.5 years ago. It may be part of our programming, but the overwhelming sense of selfless love Dooce describes is one of life's singular pleasures. It gives meaning and purpose to that which seemed full of meaning and purpose the day before--but really wasn't. I don't know if this is Dooce's first child. If it is, I am happy to tell her that, as impossible as it seems, it only gets better--and you love them even more.

This kind of hurts:

Those without children(by choice)aren't completely participating in the human experience.

I have no defense to *prove* that I'm trying to participate in the human experience, but ... well, man, that just hurts.

I fully participate in the human experience. With or without kids.

I can read Dooce's experience, and hear about all my friends' birthing experiences - and feel: woah. That is so INCREDIBLE.

And then there is my nephew Cashel, and the miracle of his existence.

But whether or not I have kids, and I very well might not, I am fully HERE, with a wealth of participatory experiences.

Not that I don't want a little whippersnapper ... but I won't set it up so that my entire life will only be 1/2 full because it didn't happen.

Oh, but David, one other thing - I can understand, on an intellectual level, why people who ARE parents think of being a parent as an incomparable experience and that those who aren't parents are missing out.

It's a hot button for me, though. I'm 36. Is my life less meaningful because I have not procreated? In my bleaker moments, I think: Yes. It absolutely is.

But I cannot live my life in that bleak space. I may never have children. This is a fact. But I am 100% a citizen of this planet, and 100% participating in what it is to be human. In my own way.

I just got back to these comments. I want to apologize to Ann Marie, Sheila, and anyone else I offended with my ill-chosen words. I knew the instant I hit POST that I should have "pondered" a little longer. At the risk of further alienating other "participating" humans, I will try to make my point more accurately. Most living things are programmed to reproduce their species, and I think humans are no different. My basic point was successful reproduction fulfills a fundamental requirement for the survival of a species. Until my son was born, I wasn't completely aware this urge existed in me, or how powerful it was. When I saw his beautiful little face, it filled an empty place in my human experience that I didn't even know was there. It was small-minded and self-absorbed of me to take that feeling and generalize to others. Again, Anne Marie, I am sorry. Sheila, you know I am right only about half the time anyway.

The loud ticking of my biological clock (louder every year) tells me that my body is ready to go there. My body has been ready to go there for 15 years.

But it just doesn't happen for everybody. That's a fact.

I have other things in my life to fulfill me - and I try to ignore the restlessness of the procreative urge that makes me want to go out and find me some sperm. Immediately.

Perhaps men (in general!!) are not as aware of that urge until they become fathers - at least I have heard that this was the case from my male friends - who looked down at their little daughters or little sons - and suddenly realized: Oh God, this is the most important thing a person can ever do - and this is what we are MEANT to do.

But women (in general!!) have to deal with monthly reminders of the procreative natural-ness of life - our bodies, menstruating, ovulating, is a CONSTANT REMINDER. "Get pregnant ... get pregnant ... oh, you're not pregnant? Okay, so here's your period again..." Every month I get my period, and think: Oh, hi there ... you again??

But because of the way our bodies work, women have to deal in a quite overt way with what nature WANTS us to do.

It's kind of torture, David - when you don't have a mate and you face that fact that you only have a limited time left to participate. It's rough.

But all of this aside: I completely accept your apology. :) Thanks.