I despise Valentine's Day.
I despise it on multiple levels.
First of all - my temperament is not a romantic one, to begin with (although when I fall in love, I fall in love like a banshee). My temperament is more ironic, more cynical, and does not tolerate overt forms of sentimentality. This seems to be an Irish thing, frankly. (Think of the raucous partying that takes place at Irish wakes. I submit that this is a cultural mindset.) It's not the same thing as being uncomfortable with emotion, or keeping a stiff-upper-lip, or anything like that. I just, for whatever reason, feel very ITCHY when someone is showering me with romance, romance, romance. My entire psyche screams, as some poor man is proclaiming his devotion through the flickering candlelight: MAKE A JOKE. Where's the joke in this situation?? (The post entitled An Eyeball and a Dozen Roses is a perfect illustration.)
He says, "I love you..."
I say, "Man walks into a bar ... ba-dum-ching..."
So Valentine's Day goes up my ass. Reason #1.
Reason #2:
As a profoundly single person, an entire holiday devoted to couple-dom is supremely obnoxious. If I sound like a whiner, I can live with that.
I don't remember making a big deal out of Valentine's Day with my first boyfriend - and we were together long enough to go through 3 or 4 of them. Perhaps he picked up on my natural antipathy to sentiment and romanticism. I think. Or maybe I've blocked it out.
I am the type of girl who gives a photograph of her eyeball to my date on Valentine's Day. This does not bode well for gushy love-moments.
But I had this amazing flashback the other night (completely drug-induced - no, just kidding): I was looking through an old box of letters - stuff I have kept for, my God, over 20 years. Letters my little sisters wrote to me when I first moved away, stuff like that. Beautiful stuff I will always keep. I was weeding through a lot of it though, deciding to toss some of it.
At the bottom of this box was a tiny grungy crumpled up piece of construction paper. When I say tiny, I mean tiny. It could have been a spitball that I had saved for sentimental reasons ... (I know that spitballs contain much sentimentality for some ...) I didn't know what it was, so I opened it up.
And when I saw the message - written to me by an 11 year old boy - years and years and years ago - Jimmy Carter was president when this note was written ... I felt this rush of "time" - like having a perception, in reality, of the true CURVED nature of space. Looking at his penciled words to me, I suddenly felt not like this was a "memory" or anything that took place primarily in my brain - but I felt like I was propelled back in time. Instantaneously.
I cannot believe I kept this tiny spitball, but I did. It was a "Valentine". Written to me in the 6th grade.
Of course, in grade school, you go out and you buy Valentine's Day cards in bulk (2 good 2 be 4 forgotten...) - and maybe you sign a personal note to your friends, but all the cards were store-bought.
I was absolutely PASSIONATELY in love with a boy named Andrew Wright. I say both his names proudly. I have no idea where he is now. If he ever runs across himself, on this post, then now I can come clean:
I was 11 years old and I used to lie awake at night, in bed, ACHING with love for Andrew Wright.
(In 5th grade, as my love for him grew, there were times when he would get up to go put on his coat or whatever, and my friend Betsy and I would run over and kiss the seat of his chair.)
But that was from when I was in 5th grade, and still only a CHILD.
The love that bloomed in 6th grade was REAL love, I was convinced - it was torturous, deep, perfect. I didn't just like him because he was a cute kid, who had a nice way about him, and was really funny, and thought I was a good person to have on his baseball team. To me, he was the epitome of all that was GOOD and RIGHT in the world. I looked at him, 11 year old Andrew Wright, and saw the essence of kindness.
We grew up in the same neighborhood, and had been hanging around since we were little kids, we would go skating on the little hidden pond in the middle of the woods, and he would steal my hat, and I would chase him, and from such simple moments, true love is born.
But of course, it was all very unrequited. We were 11. Half of the fun was just being in love with someone. Nothing ever had to be DONE about it.
So anyway - there was this big Valentine's Day ceremony in our class. I am sure even then I hated the holiday.
Kids called up - cards passed out - everyone hovering over their mounds of cards - reading the messages - a-flutter with excitement and 6th grade romantic feelings ...
I had a pile of cards in front of me, and of course - immediately - I started searching for Andrew's.
By the time I got to the bottom of the pile, my heart had turned to lead, and I felt coldness enter my veins. He hadn't given me a card. There was no card from Andrew Wright in my pile. How could that be? How could he ... how could he ... how could he have not written me a card? After all that we had shared? After me chasing him on the hidden pond, trying to get my hat back?
I'm making fun of myself here, and that's not really fair - because things are very important to 11-year-olds, and their experiences are no less profound just because adults can look at them and say, "Oh, how cute ... look at how in love she is..."
I thought I might have to get up and leave. I felt this huge-ness rise up in me - a lump that hurt my throat - my eyes smarting ... You know that feeling? Something big coming? I'm also not a big one for freaking out in public ... I needed to get away and just be REALLY REALLY REALLY sad, away from my classmates. Andrew must never ever know how much I had hoped for a Valentine from him.
And then - suddenly - Andrew Wright, on his way somewhere else, walked by my desk and dropped what looked like a tiny spitball in front of me. He kept going, didn't look back.
Disbelieving - I opened it up - It was not a store-bought card. It was not a rubber-stamp Hallmark, that he had just signed his name on.
It was a tiny piece of white construction paper, which he had clearly ripped off the corner of a larger sheet, and he had written his own message on it - in #2 pencil:
Sheila - You're a good kid. And a good storywriter. Andrew.
Isn't it so silly that I wrote that just now, and felt tears come to my eyes?
That Valentine's Day meant more to me than any store-bought card or little teddy bear or piece of candy ever would. I cherished it. Obviously, I cherished it enough that I still have it.
And - even though I was 11 - I knew, with my dawning women's intuition what it all meant:
-- He couldn't have just given me a little Hallmark Valentine. It wouldn't have been right. In his 11 year old heart, he knew we were closer than that.
-- He needed to express how he felt about me ... in a private way. It was not appropriate to have his Valentine handed out to me in the public class ceremony.
-- A generic note would have been inappropriate. He made the bold move to go personal. In looking back on it: I think, "Go, Andrew! Nice little risk you took there!"
And one last thing: the "and a good storywriter" kills me to this day.
Andrew Wright - if you ever end up reading this - if you ever Google yourself and trip upon this post - thank you for the nicest, and most romantic, Valentine's Day gift I have ever received in my life.
Posted by sheilaI've always hated Valentine's Day, too. Even when it's fallen when I've been in a very happy relationship. I just resent the idea that convention would have me submit to romance on a particular day; maybe we just don't bloody feel like it on February 14th, for goodness' sake. Happy relationships happen and survive because couples do "Valentine's Day" sorts of things for each other more often than once a stinking year, and I don't see why they should be obliged on a bogus holiday manufactured by a greeting card company to sell crap to guilty suckers.
Posted by: Emily at February 10, 2004 2:15 PMReason 1: Ditto. I have been described (most scornfully) as the least romantic man ever.
Reason 2: Ditto again. A couple of years ago my friends and I had an anti-Valentines gathering. My friend K. went so far as to make little heart candies with messages on them - but not the usual cutesy 'kiss me' or 'hug me' messages - these were inscribed with things like 'love=pain' or 'I hate you.' We rec'd a lot of strange looks handing them out at the local.
And I detest Valentines for the same reasons as Emily. Love, and gestures of love, cannot be scheduled, forced or mandated. To do so kills the very essence of what love is.
Posted by: Dan at February 10, 2004 2:26 PMYeah - way too much pressure. To cram in a year of love-expression into one night. It's stupid.
Posted by: red at February 10, 2004 2:33 PMI've always hated it, too, but honestly, less so when I'm not single. When you're alone, and the cultural calendar says to be "celebrating" romance, it's deeply obnoxious. OTOH, when you're with someone, it's far easier to ignore.
Posted by: Dave J at February 10, 2004 3:21 PMA couple Valentine's Days ago I was sitting on a subway with a good friend of mine. We both were single, and were on our way out to do karaoke together. In a very single-girl kind of way.
Jen murmured to me, "Look at everyone."
I looked.
The train was filled with couples. And - it was like a zombie movie or something - everyone had the same expression: all the girls looked smug and happy, clutching their bouquets, and all the guys at their side looked like twitchy hunted animals.
It was hilarious. In kind of a cruel way. It made my friend and I happy that we were free of all that, free to go out together and sing "We Got the Beat" and "Heartbreaker" like shrieking maniacs. We were single, but at least we didn't look like those trapped individuals on the subway.
Posted by: red at February 10, 2004 3:26 PMI have to agree with everyone else that the conventional Valentine's Day thing is worthy of being despised, both for its insipidly sappy content and for the fact it puts an exclamation point on the aloneness of those of us who happen to be single. However, if Valentine's Day didn't exist at all, Red would probably never have gotten her treasured 6th Grade note. It provided a wonderful opportunity that might not have otherwise been available.
I've always liked traditions - I enjoy pretty much every holiday. But I've also always felt free to reshape the content of those holidays however I like. I mean, if I currently had a significant other, a possible shared Valentine's Day tradition could be something like watching The War Of The Roses or Prizzi's Honor on DVD.
There are all sorts of fun possibilities - IF one can locate a kindred spirit out there in the crowd.
Posted by: MikeR at February 10, 2004 3:40 PMValentine's Day is a made-up holiday, though!! (At least this is what I tell myself)
Like Mother's Day or Father's Day. My dad scorns Father's Day - although I HAVE to observe the rituals - because it would be terrible karma not to.
Although watching War of the Roses sounds like quite an amusing idea.
Posted by: red at February 10, 2004 3:44 PMWell, yeah, it probably also goes without saying that it's more fun to be single (or not single, or anything) in NYC than in Tallahassee. Not that I'm bitter or anything. Nor do I feel remotely like a twitchy hunted animal.
;-)
Posted by: Dave J at February 10, 2004 3:44 PMDave J -
Thank goodness you do not!
My friend and I were horrified at the expressions on these poor guy's faces. It was like Shawshank Redemption or something.
Posted by: red at February 10, 2004 3:45 PMValentines Day: another day when happy couples can throw it in our face. I loathe the holiday, especially since, like you, I'm not the least bit romantically inclined. I am not capable of selecting a good gift. I cannot write a poem to melt one's heart. I can't make some grand romantic gesture or anything like that.
Sure, I can be there steadfast and loyal the other 364 days a year, ready to help out at the drop of a hat. But if I can't figure out something special on that one day...well, then I must not love someone enough.
[grumble, grumble, grumble]
Posted by: Bill McCabe at February 10, 2004 4:01 PMOh and Mike R - just one last thing:
Yes, I am glad that there is a Valentine's Day because that was a special little moment (a moment of REAL connection between two little kids) that was very cool. And it was something that obviously stuck with me.
Posted by: red at February 10, 2004 4:07 PMWell, when I was single I used to be part of the whole anti-Valentine's day crowd. But honestly, as a not single person, I can enjoy it. No, of course it isn't the only day in the year to do something nice for or with my wife. That doesn't stop Valentine's Day from being something we can share.
Posted by: Ron at February 10, 2004 4:41 PMIncidentally, guys...an old roommate of mine and I used to hang up festive photos of this event to mark the occassion every year.
Posted by: Emily at February 10, 2004 4:43 PMOf course! That's perfect!!
Posted by: red at February 10, 2004 4:46 PMGod bless Al Capone, he knew how to celebrate the holiday.
Posted by: Bill McCabe at February 10, 2004 4:54 PMThat, and he's one more reason (as if more were necessary) to 1) hate the IRS and 2) laugh at Geraldo.
Posted by: Dave J at February 10, 2004 5:06 PMDave,
I remember watching "The Secret of Al Capone's Vault"...hah!
Posted by: Bill McCabe at February 10, 2004 5:11 PMValentine's Day is for suckers. Really. It's like all the unromantic people in the universe use this one day to express how they feel.
I hold special loathing for couples who get married or engaged on this day. They're just weak minded conformist buying into a made up holiday. It's sooooo unromantic and unoriginal...like getting married in Vegas.
Women who go postal if they don't get the gratuitous flowers, cards, dinner, and end-of-the-night roll in the hay make me angry too. It's like, how pathetic are you to not appreciate a man who does all those things when it's unexpected, a surprise? These are the same women who insist on choosing their engagement ring because they don't think enough of their man to let him do it himself. These are the women who end up crying on Oprah when their man leaves them because they approach life, love, marriage and family as some scripted event, and can't believe it when their cowed, emasculated husbands leave after so many years of prescribed, suffocating coupledom.
I have no plans to do anything specific with my guy this weekend, and I won't be crying in my beer or writing acid filled letters to Ricki Lake about it either. I'll just wait for the next time he does something unexpected out of the blue and be happy about it.
It is a commerce-inspired, entirely made-up holiday.
But Red, that's just all the more reason to take liberties with it!
Get creative, let your imagination run wild...
There you go. ;-)
Posted by: MikeR at February 10, 2004 10:50 PMEverybody hates Valentine's Day? I thought it was just me. I do have a fantasy of a non-miserable Valentine's Day, however.
Posted by: CW at February 10, 2004 10:55 PMActually, Valentine's Day is not a made up Hallmark holiday. It is a feast day, for St. Valentine. If I remember correctly, Valentine was imprisoned, and going to be put to death. Before it happened, he wrote final love notes to his family and friends, and that is how the tradition started. I need you to know, Sheila, I learned all this in sixth grade, in Mrs. Horgan's class. In public school. Don't even think they are allowed to teach about saint's and their feast days in public school anymore. Also, Andrew lives in California. The last time I talked to him was before our tenth year high school reunion. I hate to burst your bubble, but he was all embarrassed because his address had a word in it that could be misconstrued as "dirty" and he couldn't get past that. He was trying to send me his address to get information, and could NOT get over the POTENTIAL dirty word in his address. Then again, I never liked him or Kevin Quinn seeing as they used to wait for me after Confirmation class and call me "The Whale". Not very Christian-like if you ask me- ha ha!! Plus, I wasn't even FAT!!!!! (Ok, a little chubby....)
Posted by: Beth at February 10, 2004 11:16 PMOk, I'm part of a couple so I DO like Valentine's Day. But my husband's opinion is that it's a Hallmark holiday that was invented to torture men. He hates the whole Stepford zombie couple routine or to be precise has since we've been married (18 years and counting). An informal office poll among some recently married friends revealed that marriage seems to kill the Hallmark offerings until the neglected spouse complains. I complained and the love offerings returned to the marital altar. BTW, I've always gotten him presents. Per Sheila's post, I think I like Valentine's Day because of my grammar school cards. Rockwell Franklin gave me my first valentine in kindergarten. I still wonder whether his life has turned out to be as interesting as his name.
Posted by: joycev at February 10, 2004 11:16 PMAnd for the record, I love Valentine's Day. I just hate carnations, due to those days in high school when popular girls would get carnations from their cute boyfriends. And we would send them to each other- haha ha!!! But, I do like Valentines Day. But I don't want traditional "girly gifts". In fact, I don't even want a gift- just the chance to spend some time being together. The best Valentine's Day I ever had was our first year in Maine, when Tom was a student at Unity College. We were totally broke, and he wanted to surprise me. I came home from work, and he had covered the entire bedroom with red balloons. You could barely open the door. The best part was when he said, "I was in such a rush to get these done before you got home from work, that I got really dizzy. I had to lay on the bed for a while, cause I almost passed out." I almost peed my pants laughing at the thought of coming home to find Tom zonked out on the floor, surrounded by balloons, some half inflated. That would have been so funny!!!
My first valentine I remember was from Lee Considine in fourth grade. It was a hamburger, fries and a milkshake and said, "Valentine, you shake me up." I loved him for a whole year because of that card.
Lee Considine! I just saw him, Beth - last Halloween. So funny.
And your story about Tom nearly fainting when blowing up all the balloons is absolutely classic.
Posted by: red at February 11, 2004 10:33 AMI think Im just the opposite of everyone for reasons which will become apparent in a moment. When I was in grade school, I absolutely HATED, ABHORRED and DETESTED Valentine's day. I always got my ass whupped on Valentines Day.
But, as I got older, I realized that for me, it was the best day of the year. I can safely say that I never spent a Valentine's day alone since high school.
You see, if I had a girlfriend, of course I would spend it with her, because, well, it was Valentine's Day! And if I was single, I knew exactly what to do on that date. I would go somewhere, anywhere where there were single ladies. I would strike up a conversation with any of them, even the ones that I would have considered out of my league any other day of the year. Once we reached the point of introductions, I would just smirk and say "Hi. Im Valentine."
This was met with varying degrees of scepticism, but a quick flash of the driver's liscence, and *poof* eyes would open wide, smiles would ensue and I was in like...well...Valentine.
Were I not married and after reading this entry, I would definitely give all that Valentine's day charm away and change my name to...oh.. Andrew something-or-other.
Posted by: Val Prieto at February 13, 2004 2:10 PM