The Sheila Variations

If a guy ever gives me the gift of not looking at porn for Valentine's Day, I'm going to break up with him. But not before punching him in the face.

HAHAHAHA

I promise never to give you that gift, Emily. :-P

What the hell would we single people do without pornography on Valentine's Day...I hope the "pure restoration" movement does not apply to us...

I probably should garble up the word P*rn*graphy - because I am going to get a lot of morons coming to me.

Uh - still laughing at this image:

"Emily, as a show of my devotion, I am going to give up porn for you on Valentine's Day."

Long pause.

Emily flat-out punches him in the head.

I can see Emily breaking a bottle of wine over his head too.

Do you think the Pure Restoration folks are under the impression that women don't view porn?

I would never waste perfectly good alcohol on an asshole like that, Bill. Now, a jar of pickled relish is another story...

Exactly: hitting someone so stupid with a bottle of wine would be alcohol abuse.

Emily, naturally I'd assumed you have finished the bottle first.

Of course, Bill.

Getting in touch with my inner-hippie, I'm beginning to feel that perhaps a simple response of "keep it, honey. You're going to need it" might be more suitable than violence.

Went and checked out the website: purerestoration.com.

What are you giving your wife this Valentine's Day? A ring? Trip to the beach? How about 100% of your attention? Is pornography or infidelity getting in the way?

Internet pornography has become one of the most common struggles men face. Yet pornography addiction and other forms of sexual sin are often underestimated and misunderstood. In addition, there are relatively few good options for solving this problem. Thus, many men settle for less in their lives and apply a Band-Aid to a wound that deserves major surgery.
If you are tired of “trying”, try a complete restoration -- a Pure Restoration.

Here's what happens at the workshops:
Session 1 & 2 - REPENTANCE
Session 3 & 4 - ORDER
Session 5 & 6 - UNDERSTANDING
Session 7 - TRAINING: MANAGEMENT TECHNIQUES
Session 8 - TRAINING: BOUNDARIES
Session 9 - FALSE INTIMACY
Session 10 - RELAPSE PREVENTION / EPIPHANY

I suppose it's mean to make fun of such earnest people...right?

Even more fun in person, Sheila. That way you can point and laugh, too.

Pure Restoration sounds like some kind of herbal colon-cleansing therapy.

"Honey, I love you so much. Let me cleanse your colon for Valentine's Day."

Bill -

I believe that in their lexicon women are merely born to be sperm-receptacles.

Sid -

euuuuuuuu

Sheila,

Don't forget dishwashers, launderers, cooks and child-rearers.

The notion that married couples might view porn together is probably beyond their comprehension.

Emily,

You have an inner hippie? I'm envisioning this starved, tie-dyed wearing wretch clinging to live in a s----r hole somewhere.

There are so many comic possibilities that could spring from that billboard. Don't you just know that our friend Chris Rock could have a field day with it?

This thread reminds me of the George Shaw thesis about money. Religious types and others are always running around claiming that money is inherently evil. Shaw pointed out that it's really the lack of money that's responsible for all manner of horrible situations in the world. The same argument applies to porn. When basic human needs are repressed or unfulfilled, bad consequences tend to occur.

Now Bill and Red, you'd best not give these people the idea that womenfolk could have sexual desires of their own - I'd hate to see anyone's head explode...

I actually, out of curiosity's sake once, got totally SUCKED into a Christian book - written by a wife - whose husband was, sadly, "addicted" to porn. I could not put it down - I was STANDING in the aisle in Barnes and Noble, reading on and on and on.

It was unintentionally very amusing.

This woman thought the devil had swayed her husband. This poor f***ing husband, too - you just knew he had HAD it - had HAD it with sex being all about "intimacy" and "love-making" and "Christian closeness" and "how God intends man and woman to be" - He had HAD it and was reduced to hiding in his study, looking at raving monkey sex for 10 hours a day.

Oh, Lordy.

Psst...hey lady, sometimes it's physical. Not "Christian closeness". Were I reduced to that in a relationship, I'd probably be in the study too.

I like that about B&N, you can stand there and read all day.

Bill -

Yeah, me too. Although - sometimes you get sucked into things that you otherwise would rightfully ignore -(like "My Journey Towards Christ: How My Husband Got Over His Addiction to Porn" - or whatever the hell it was called.

I graduated from Humboldt State University, Bill. Nobody leaves that place without an inner-hippie.

(BTW, I am actually wearing tie-dye today...)

I definitely have an inner-hippie. I own the soundtrack to "Hair" and occasionally I listen to it.

"Leeeeet the sun shiine..."

$10 says he had a relapse within 12 months.

What struck me was the TONE of the book. It was treated with such tragic seriousness. As though she were admitting that her husband liked to prance around in her feathery mules on the Sabbath day.

Well, if he did have a relapse, then he could just shell out another FOURTEEN HUNDRED DOLLARS to "Pure Restoration" and get cured again.

$1400?!?! Why can't I think of scams like that? I know enough about Christianity to exploit it.

Next time I'm there, I'm going to have to look for that book.

Yeah. It is a good scam, ain't it. And the guy who thought it up actually has a name like a porn star:

Joe Dallas.

Joe Dallas probably has an entire hard drive dedicated to his internet porn collection.

Of course he does. But purely for "research". So he knows what's "out there", what his clients are facing.

He's one of the fastest left-handed typists in America.

Joe Dallas?!
You've got to be kidding me...

Mike r -

No kidding. Check it out:

http://purerestoration.com/index2.cfm?id=11

If I ever had an inner hippy, I must have murdered him and then repressed the memory (right alongside where I put "New Coke," Emily). My parents weren't real hippies, but they were hippy wannabes: I am SO Alex Keaton from "Family Ties." ;-)

I loved that scene in Family Ties where they were looking through an old photo album as a family. And the youngest daughter says, "Mom, I love that picture of you!"

Pause.

Mother says, 'That's your father, dear."

I, too, think I murdered my inner hippie ... after living in Boulder for two years, working at a newspaper whose newsroom had no air conditioning and was right off the popular pedestrian mall. We'd have to open the front door to keep from suffocating and every fucking day I would hear drum circles of smelly trustafarians who drove Pathfinders but begged for money finding their inner ryddims.

I still hug trees, though.

Red - You just know that guy preys on his groupies. Nobody goes to that much trouble carefully grooming complex facial hair if he doesn't think it's gonna get him some nookie...

I initially read this as "Valentine's Day: free p*rn*graphy" and thought, "Well hey, something for the single people!"

Silly me.

Mark -

I wish. That would be a nice service.

"For everyone in couples - here are some free flowers and candy - to give to your beloved. For all you single folks - here's a big pile of free porn. Enjoy."