The Sheila Variations

Expert Essay: The Martini, by Skillzy

Following please find the latest addition to my Expert Series (still waiting for that "How to throw a Pity Party" essay - I read an excerpt and laughed from start to finish). If you think you are an expert on anything - send me an essay!

The essay I just received is called "The Martini", written by Skillzy of hard times. I know how strongly people feel about martinis, how they like them, how they should be made ... Hopefully, this well-written essay will generate some discussion. I found it extremely enjoyable to read!

The Martini
by Skillzy

"When I have one martini, I feel bigger, wiser, taller. When I have the second, I feel superlative. When I have more, there's no holding me" - William Faulkner

The martini has long been recognized as the premier power cocktail, associated with big names and classy joints. Names like Hemingway, Sinatra, and Bond. James Bond. Nothing goes better with a white dinner jacket and bowtie than a "silver bullet". Unfortunately, in recent years, the rise of the "martini bar" has cheapened and desecrated the reputation of this beloved drink. It started out innocently enough, substituting vodka for the requisite gin. But that lapse in judgement opened the door to bizarre mutations using various liqeurs and a rainbow of colors, all attempting to pass themselves off as martinis. Serving raspberry-flavored vodka and amaretto in a martini glass does not make a martini. It's simply a waste of a clean martini glass.

Part of the beauty of the martini is its simplicity. But in the right hands, these few items can be transformed into a creation greater than the sum of its parts, the king of cocktails, the very essence of cool. You'll need the following:

GOOD gin (I prefer Bombay Sapphire)
Dry Vermouth (Martini & Rossi works fine)
CRUSHED ice, the finer the better
A cocktail shaker, preferably with a shot measure for a cap
Martini glasses (a MUST)
Olives for garnish

This is all you need. Optional items include curvy blonde, yacht, Walther PPK, and tuxedo. Despite the current trends in casual clothing, please dress appropriately when enjoying martinis.

Fill the martini glass with ice to chill it, and fill the shaker halfway with ice. Add 3 parts gin and one part vermouth to the shaker - I usually use the shaker cap for this. Place the cover on the shaker and shake gently 4 or 5 times, until frost begins to form on the outside. Take the glass, dump out the ice, and strain the martini into it, leaving the ice in the shaker. Add an olive or two and serve. Shards of ice should be evident in the drink. A key to a good martini, along with using top-shelf gin, is serving it as cold as possible.

About the only room for variation is in the ratio of gin to vermouth, ranging anywhere from 2:1 to just adding a splash of vermouth to the gin. I suggest that you experiment to find the ratio that's right for you. By the third one, it won't really matter anyway. If you really want to go wild, get some of those big olives stuffed with jalapenos or almonds to put in your drink.

Now for a few don'ts. Don't mix martinis in a big pitcher, despite what you've seen in the movies. They don't get cold enough, and the ice melts and waters things down. Martinis should be hand crafted in small batches, and consumed quickly. This is why Bond liked his shaken, and not stirred. And a martini should never be served on the rocks. If someone should ever try to serve you a martini in a rocks glass full of ice cubes, it is perfectly acceptable behavior to toss the drink in their face and proclaim them a "cretin". They're probably just trying to water down the taste of that rotgut gin that they bought in a plastic gallon jug at the Liquor Barn. Don't stand for it.

It is up to each and every one of us to help restore the dignity and reputation of the traditional martini. Never pass up an opportunity to set the unbelievers straight. I'll leave you now with some good advice from the immortal Steve Allen - "Do not allow children to mix drinks. It is unseemly and they use too much vermouth."

Other Expert Essays:
A Dog Trick, by Noggie
How to Catch a Snake, by Daniel Medley
How to make Chili, by Dean Esmay
Horse racing, by Michael Thomas

Posted by sheila