The Sheila Variations

Heh - I was going to do a bit on this on my blog later this week.

Hmmm.

"I'm 41, and I look it. Behind my stoic, passive-aggressive Scandinavian exterior is the soul of a reincarnated New York cabbie. I'm the most inept housekeeper ever - but militantly punctual. My divorce was straight out of Jerry Springer, and I've been raising two little hellions for the last five years, so I'm incredibly unsentimental about new-agey hoo-haah about women in general and motherhood in particular. I bore easily. If I've bothered to take the time to form an opinion about something, you can be sure I'll find it worth being almost supernaturally stubborn defending it.

I have no fear of commitment - but if you break it off with me, I'll be over you before you've finished your first carton of Haagen-Dazs, and no, I don't want to be friends. Nobody will ever love you quite as intensely or loyally as me, or be anywhere near as great a friend - even my least ept exes admit that - but nobody loses my trust twice.

And yes, you can probably drink me under the table. No matter how short you are.

I am a 32 year old, incredibly insecure, whiny, obsessive-compulsive, self loathing gay man who wishes that someone would come along to rescue me. I am tormented day and night by my religious beliefs and fear the eternal fires of hell because of everything from gossiping at work to liking men. I can likely drink you under the table and my excessive drinking can sometimes get in the way of a good nights sleep. I’m neat to a fault, but reserve the right to vary from that particular obsession at my whim. However, you will be required to adhere to it at all times. You should have a lot of money so you can pay off my school loans and you must think the world of me and be cognizant of my greatness. You should also think that my emotional roller coaster is endearing.

Why you should date me: Two words – Chevy, Malibu.

You must think the world of me and be cognizant of my greatness- HA HA HAHA! Patrick, you kill me!!!

Laughing out loud. Both of these are awesome.

A cat!?

Yes, Dan. A cat. :)

My beloved cat Sammy died 3 years ago - I had had him for years - and since then I haven't lived in a place where they allow pets - and I miss that little bugger.

Brutal honesty here. I yearn for a cat.

Oh, and Patrick: Of COURSE you need to be with someone who is cognizant of your greatness! Don't we all?

This is all rather therapeutic. I think it might be an excercise worth repeating over and over. I think Frankl, in Man's Search For Meaning said something about laughing at yourself. I forget the context, but it seemed sensible enough at the time. I'm going to have to pick that book up again.

Soon to be posted to Ubikontiplations:

I am moody bastard, reluctant loner, and a recent casualty in the battle of the sexes. I have decided in recent weeks that being a "nice guy" has gotten me exactly dick, and while deep down inside I'm still going to be a good-hearted knight errant, I'm no longer going to deny that I am also shallow, arrogant, and vain. I hold Ash from Army of Darkness in the same esteem as I hold the Rat Pack; they are my role models. I am not possessive, but I am the jealous type. I share my life with The World's Best Orange Tabby™. He pre-dates you and will always come first. If he want to sleep between us or on your pillow, then that's just what he'll do. If it ever comes down to "either the cat goes or I go," start packing, baby. I like good scotch and good cigars, taking long drives in my airconditioner-less Jeep, noodling with my guitars for hours on end, and random gunplay. Don't expect me to give up any of these vices. Don't even ask. On the flip side, I am loving, gentle, caring, honest, trustworthy, loyal, faithful, and I can't get you pregnant. If I believe you have a good soul, there is nothing I won't do for you. I will defend your honor to the last drop of blood and will love you despite your flaws.

He pre-dates you and will always come first.

That's as it should be.

My own personal ad once read something like this:

Friendly, happy female. Fixed, shots current. Good with kids and animals. Loyal and loving. New friend must be willing to handle those days when she's a real bitch.

I am listed in that feature :) I have to say, mine was the worst.

Hmm, no response to my personal ad. Odd...

You have the funnest posts. Ok....let's see what I can pull out here:

I'm not really a bitch, I just play one on my blog. But that's part of my defense mechanism. Hope you like climbing and picking locks because I have one hell of a fortress built around me. Oh, don't mind the alligators in the moat either.

People say I'm moody but really it's because I get over a lot of things rather quickly...especially if I'm at fault. However, if you wrong me, I will never forget it. In fact, I will compile a list of everything you have ever done or said to me that even remotely hurt my feelings and analyze it to death when you're not around.

I am a neat freak and despite the fact that I know people are different, I may/more than likely will..okay, will take your messiness as a personal insult, once again, analyzing it to death to mean that you don't really like me afterall since you don't make the effort to do simple things like clean up after yourself in order to make me happy.

If something is bothering me, I want you to notice and I want you to ask me what is wrong no less than three times. Whether it's true or not, it makes me believe you really want to listen to me.

Sometimes I'm the most shallow person I know. Sometimes I'm the pickiest person I know. Sometimes I'm the most impatient person I know in certain situations.

But I have a huge heart, am very loyal and respectful. Shower me with affection, admiration; cherish, adore, honor, admire and love me--I see nothing wrong with making me number one in your life.

I'm like a lion. Hell, just look up Leo. That is me to a tee---the good and the bad. Consider all my faults precious and you will find yourself greatly rewarded.

OH, I cuss a lot too.

Serenity:

Consider all my faults precious: That's really the key to everything, isn't it??

Have you seen "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"? That comment of yours reminded me of that.

Reading over these brutally honest personals are making me laugh. I love them.

"However, if you wrong me, I will never forget it. In fact, I will compile a list of everything you have ever done or said to me that even remotely hurt my feelings and analyze it to death when you're not around."

That sounds eerily familiar, lol! I don't keep a list, but I do have the gift of instant and total recall of unkind things either said or done. Makes me really fun to argue with...

red: I have not but I will now.

Mr. Z: It's a mental list I keep. I'm not nice enough to write it out and leave it laying around where someone could pick it up and see my ammunition. heh heh