The Sheila Variations

There was this one time when I woke up late and hastily grabbed my polyester work pants, threw them on, brushed and flushed, and ran out the door. About half-way on my walk to work I noticed - like you - one of my ankles bunched up.

It was a pair of panties.

sheila,

take out the needle, and seek help. now. go.

Heh. I have had panties show up in odd places too. Like: "why is my ass so LUMPY right now??"

Er ... because a crumpled-up pair of panties is crushed against your ass.

Actually, this post was supposed to be a parody of Berger's claim that he "accidentally" stuffed classified material into his socks ... I just don't see how you would accidentally do something like that.

Was that what it was about? Wow. Who knew? ;)

I HATE it when I accidentally stuff confidential material in my socks. It happens way too often for my liking.

I, on the other hand, LOVE IT when a rant about Sandy Berger leads to Emily and Sheila talking about their panties.

Beth - there was a confidential memo sent around at work - and I have no idea what happened, but it ended up in my panties.

Weird.

Okay, now I will tell you an embarassing-but-true story.

I was married once before. I love this woman to this day even though I know I should never have been married to her and honestly I don't consider that a true marriage. I am a Truly Married Man now, to the great love of my life. I could never be married to anyone but The Queen. She is the most wonderful woman who ever walked this Earth.

Okay, but anyway, this was years before I met The Queen. And it was near the end of my marriage-that-never-should-have-been.

So anyway, I took a trip out of town to visit my father who lived in another state. And in exchange for driving me to the airport, I lent my friend Ed my car. Now bear in mind that we were all in our early 20s at this time. So it was a kind of a cool bargain we made: I'd come to his home, he would drive me to Midway Airport in Chicago, and he would agree to pick me up when I got back. In exchange, he got my car for the weekend. No big deal, right?

Okay, so he picks me up after the weekend in another state. And I know he's had some fun with my car, right?

Okay, so I'm in this rocky marriage. And it's not working out. And I know it's going to end. Yet still I'm old-fashioned enough that I'm telling you (I swear, please believe me) I've NEVER been a cheater.

So about four-five weeks after this trip out of state, I'm having another argument with my then-wife. And we're talking, and it's pretty obvious that things are going sour. And (as is so often the case with relationships on the rocks) she starts making some accusations about me and fidelity. And I, being rather stuffy about these things, assure her (quite honestly) that I would NEVER EVER cheat on her.

Then for some reason she opens the glove compartment of our car.... and out pops a pair of women's panties.

I look at them. She looks at them. She looks at me. "What the fuck are these?"

I, completely mystified, say, "Duh?"

It wasn't until almost six months later that I realized where those had come from.

It was NOT a good drive home.

Ed still owes me big, is all I'm sayin'. ;-)

Dean - yeah, you really could not get yourself out of that situation ... "I have no idea how those got there" probably wouldn't have cut it.

Dean,

Your post gave me an interesting idea. I'm off to Target to buy panties in bulk and plant them in the glove boxes of my enemies.

I think Clinton and his friends always have problems like this. You can't really blame them. Stuff like:

1. How did that cigar get down there?
2. What's that stain on my dress?
3. Where are my top-secret nuclear launch codes?

Even after Clinton is out of office, his graft still, zombie-like, comes to haunt us.

Steve

When will Portman and Keira Knightley make an indie movie together, where they play identical twins?

Sheila- You'll never believe this. I just got back from Scarborough Beach (really and for true)and went to go jump in the shower, and there was an FBI file stuck in my bathing suit. Seems like I am a terrorist, and I never even knew it!

Beth, I just spit out a mouthful of soda onto my keyboard.

Sigh, I hate to say this but unless things have changed in the past day, Berger has not said he ever stuffed any documents in his socks. That is an allegation that as far as I know is unsubstaniated.