The Sheila Variations

This is a very important list that will impact the rest of my life. I must give it some rigorous thought.

Take as much time as you need.

Oops, forgot one of mine: Boromir.

Drew Barrymore. Natalie Portman. Liz Phair. Lindsy Lohan.

Ok, maybe not so much Ms. Lohan. Mostly I'm curious of they're real. Then I'd probably give her a stern talking to and send her on her way.

hahahaha Sure you would!

No I would. Really. Honestly.

Liz Phair on the other hand, well I can see myself getting all Kathy Bates...

"Leaving? Already? Why, whatever is the rush?"

Ha!

I'm sure she'd write some great song about the psycho Red Sox fan in Boston who wouldn't let her leave the room ... You'd be immortalized.

I've met Dave Grohl and he is as yummy in person (with my arm around him) as he is on stage or in videos!

DeAnna - I saw that in your 100 Things About me thing and my face turned GREEN I tell ya with envy!

I love that guy.

Ok, I know I'm going to get ragged on for asking this (you did after give fair warning), but I don't know, and I have to know, and Google didn't help me at all. I can't be the only person who is ignorant.

What is a freebie?

//You'd be immortalized.//

As long as it was a catchy tune.

Sigh. Emily - should we tell him?

I am now totally and completely in love with Bryan.

Dan - like HWC for example?

I blush when I hear that song.

Okay, Bryan. Sheila may kill me for telling you, but it's a list of people that you're "allowed" to sleep with if you're in a relationship and the opportunity presents itself.

Emily has described it perfectly.

Alex - hahaha I know, it was quite brave of you, Bryan, to just come out and admit that you didn't know. And I can only imagine what confusing Google results you got when you put in "freebie"

Hmmm, it would probably be more efficient for me to write a list of non-freebies, at least as far as females between 21 and 60. Yes, I'm easy. But with all the beautiful women out there, how can I narrow it down to a little list?

Non-Freebies:

Julianne Moore
Elena Bobbitt
Wonkette (and her ho's)
Aunt Esther
Hillary Clinton
Anyone under 90 pounds (ouch! bony!)

I'm sure there are more, but there's a start.

Actually I haven't gotten her new one yet; didn't like what I've heard. But I did google the lyrics...

..damn.

Ah, now the post and comment thread suddenly makes sense.

Alex, you've made my day. I have an admirer! I can't believe it!

Christina Ricci, Drew Barrymore. That's all I can think of. For now.

Oops, I thought freebies were people you would jump no questions asked if the opportunity presented itself. My wife will get back to you.

Dan ...

Uh. I know. Wait til you hear the tune that goes with it. It's like a nursery-rhyme tune. I can't listen to it on my headphones at work because my face turns red.

That should, perhaps, be the ones you'd 'allow' yourself to sleep with, if the opportunity presented itself, Emily.

skillzy:

"Freebies" ARE people you would jump no questions asked, even if you were married. It is indeed best if "freebies" are approved by the husband/wife beforehand.

//I can't listen to it on my headphones at work because my face turns red.//

Hahaha. Yet I don't picture you as the overly modest n' demure type.

peteb:

I always thought of it as who you would be "allowed" to break the marriage vow for - Your husband or wife would say, "Okay, babe, if you find yourself in a situation where Richard Gere?Drew Barrymore wants to sleep with you - you have my blessings."

Christian Bale. Orlando Bloom. Heath Ledger. Jonathan Rhys Myers. Aidan Gillen. Ioan Gruffudd.

And maybe James Spader. And Emanuelle Beart.

I was about to check myself on that Sheila..

Amend my previous post to read - "you should be 'allowed' to sleep with"

Dan - No I'm not ... but ... er ... there is a time and place for HWC and at work under the fluorescent lights is NOT ONE OF THEM.

peteb:

HAHAHA

Okay, just so we're clear on this VERY important issue.

Because I was thinking: Huh. If I was presented with a Ewan McGregor opportunity ... there would be no "allowing myself" involved. It would be all hell breaking loose, frankly.

By the way:

Reading all of your freebies is absolutely fascinating. Drew Barrymore, I believe, is the only person who has shown up in two separate lists. Lucky girl.

Carry on.

Keith Foulke
Tom Brady
Bill Mueller
Trent Reznor
Joaquin Phoenix
Matt Damon

Oh Christian Bale HELL YEAH.

As I was thinking about my list, I realized that it included so many dead women that you guys are going to think I'm a necro: Ingrid Bergman, Grace Kelly, Donna Reed, Greta Garbo, Natalie Wood.

I guess that would make it pretty easy for my spouse, if I had one, to give me permission. "Sure, honey, if you ever find yourself alone with Ingrid Bergman, you have my blessing. Go for it!"

Oh and Oliver Milburn. Who I actually met once. So I'd have a higher chance of cashing in on that one.

Bryan -

I, too, faced the same dilemma. Most of my fantasies are dead guys.

Emily -

I think Paul Rudd needs to be on your list. If I recall correctly.

Gwen Stefani. Natalie Portman. Gwen Stefani.

I would also vote Gwen Steffani "Most likely to appear on both guys' and dolls' lists".

I just gotta say: Gwen Stefani.

Gwen Stefani. Yum.

Oh, and Beth, your Freebie list reminded me of one more of mine:

Jason Varitek. grrrrrr

Johnny Depp
Britney Spears
Angelina Jolie
Zach Braff
Adrian Brody
Portia de Rossi

Paul Rudd is fine, but I wouldn't call him "listworthy".

Isn't it funny how it took only minutes for this thread to explode?

Ugh.

I gotta say the comment name "Big Dan" isn't working for me. I picked it to avoid confusion with the Dan already in residence, but given the loss in the last year of about 85 pounds, it doesn't feel right.

How about "Cool Dan" or "Slightly Uncomfortable in This Sweatshirt Dan."

Um, Gwen Stefani.

Jess,

Yes to Angelina Jolie, but for one horrifying moment I thought you listed Angela Lansbury.

Gwen, if you're reading this, you get a waiver on the over 90 pounds rule.

Angela Lansbury, ha ha ha! I'd also like to add that French dude from Unfaithful.

Do me, Clive Owen.

Omigod, French dude from Unfaithful = Olivier Martinez. Je l'adore.

Clive Owen. yow.

Adrien Brody

Robert Redford

The Chick With That Cooking Show Who Has The Brilliant London Accent And Makes Food Look Like Dirty Sex

Catherine Zeta-Jones

Montgomery Cliff

Usher

and getting round to that list (all still alive *ahem*)..

Amanda Donohoe
Emmanuelle Beart
Kate Bush
Béatrice Dalle
Jennifer Garner
Halle Berry
Shannen Doherty
Angelina Jolie (no arguments from the entire male population of the planet there)

ermm.. I should stop at some point, shouldn't I?

//The Chick With That Cooking Show Who Has The Brilliant London Accent And Makes Food Look Like Dirty Sex//

Nigella Lawson?

Amanda Donohoe! Damn, I loved her and lost track of her ... she's still around, eh?

Oh yeah :)

I'm adding Miranda Otto and Dana Delany. Gotta 'flesh out' the freebie wish list. (rim shot please)

A few more of mine, this time all from the land of the living (I think):

Michelle Pfeiffer
Cyd Charisse
Ann-Margret
Maureen O'Hara
Janet Leigh
Tina Louise (a.k.a. Ginger)
Barbara Steele

Bryan -

Sadly, Janet Leigh died this past year.

A couple of the others are hanging on by a thread - you don't have much time left!

Cyd Charisse, though, in her heyday ... I mean, jesusmaryandjoseph, those LEGS!

Bryan....sweetness......Janet Leigh is dead. And Ann Margeret is minutes away.

Dan

Yes! Nigella! Yes! I mean....c'mon! Gorgeous, right?

Amanda Donohue used to go out with Adam Ant. I think she appeared in the Good Two Shoes video.

Goody.

Nigella is awesome, but recent photographs seem to indicate she is getting into the actual cooking and eating part of the show more than the dirty sex part.

Very gorgeous, Alex, very gorgeous indeed.

Sorry to hear about Janet's passing.

Dave Grohl isn't on my list, but I did give him a hug once, in his hotel room in Buenos Aires. He was kind of startled, but he hugged me back.

Really.

//Nigella is awesome, but recent photographs seem to indicate she is getting into the actual cooking and eating part of the show more than the dirty sex part.//

Jesus that's tragic.

AWWwwwww. Bryan! :-)

Actually she had a remarkable career, and her family was by her side all the way. She passed away peacefully in her sleep and lived a brilliant and beautiful life. She made film history with "Psycho". Not many actresses can say that.

Btw, Alex, I loved the way you called me "sweetness"! You're putting a big goofy grin on my face today, and all my co-workers are going to think I've gone insane.

And Maureen O'Hara is collecting lifetime achievement awards as we type..

Maureen O'Hara is the epitome of babealiciousness.

Dan,

Tragic is exactly the word. Her face is still the face of a goddess. Her body is still the body of a goddess, just with another goddess wrapped around it.

This is just from the last season (I'm hopelessly addicted to cooking shows). Perhaps the producer realized why people were watching and she's trimmed back down. If Renée Zellweger can do it, she can, too.

And add Renée Zellweger to the list.

Wow, this thing did 'splode!
I'll have to give it some thought, but I know that Julie Christie will always be on the list. The impression she made on an adolescent boy with her performance in Far From The Madding Crowd was deep and indelible...

Amanda Donohoe had a small stupid role in Liar Liar ... Anyone who had anything to do with that movie is all right by me.

To set the scene:

Jim Carrey has a spell put on him where he cannot lie. He has sex with his voracious boss, played by Amanda Donohoe. We see them lying on the floor of her huge office, post-sex. She has this huge satisfied grin on her face. She says to him, lecherously, happily, "Was it good for you?" Jim Carrey smiles back, and says, THINKING that he is going to lie, "I've had better."

Renee Zellweger?

grrrr

I always get nervous about the "Grrr."

I have experienced Grrrs that ended well and Grrrs that ended in horror.

Oh, and one that ended FANTASTICALLY.

OK, it's time for a bit of dissent on this..

NO to Nigella.. come on.. it's a TV-bloody-cookery show.. seconds long soundbites.. TV editing rules. and she's shacked up with the most obnoxious man in Britain!

And, Sheila.. The Lair of the White Worm
*theatrical swoon*

I have made my feelings about Miss LaZ here before. However, I do not want to judge another person's freebie. That seems COMPLETELY unfair!

Amanda Donohoe kissing Michele Greene... very hot! Was this the first lesbian kiss on regualr TV?

Well, damn it. I take off work this afternoon and here y'all are, having all this fun. Now I have to post on my home computer with its stupid dial-up hamster-run connection. Bitches, all y'all.

D and I call this our "Top Five Freebies." His are 1) Jennifer Aniston; 2) Jennifer Aniston; 3) Jennifer Aniston; 4) Jennifer Aniston; and 5) Halle Berry.

Mine are, in no particular order (and of course there are MANY more than five!):

George Clooney
Hugh Grant
Liam Neeson
David Schwimmer
Colin Firth
Peter Berg
James Spader
John Cusack
Clive Owen
Gale Harold

peteb: Please no judging of another person's freebie.

Unless it's Angela Lansbury.

Peteb,

We can lose Nigella if I get to keep Renee.

Or, alternately, I'm willing to give up Renee if I can keep Gwen Stefani and Dan has to surrender Lindsay Lohan.

It's all about equal freebie value.

Now, equal PLUSHIE value is another thing altogether.

JFH:

Yes, I believe it was. I remember it like it were yesterday!

hahahaha

Now we are bartering with one another's freebies.

Good stuff, people, good stuff.

Dan seemed willing to surrender Lindsay - once he has confirmed whether or not "they" were real. His interest in her is purely scientific.

*sulks*

Dammit.

OK. (but I'm registering my objection)

Sheila,

I'll trade you a Stefani for two Joan Jetts.

peteb:

hahahaha

And yes ... Lair of the White Worm indeed. You're probably the guy to ask - wasn't she in The Rainbow as well?

Dan - I can't give up Joan Jett, but I would be willing to surrender PJ O'Rourke.

I fear, though, that nobody else would want him. (As a freebie, I mean). Which is a shame.

George Clooney's on my list as well. As long as he doesn't open his fucking mouth.

Er...to actually talk, that is.

Thank you for clarifying that, Emily. I got a bit concerned there for a second.

Do you guys realize it took just a little over an hour for this thread to have almost 100 comments? What a bunch of sluts we are!

Okay, let me tell you people one darn thing about Landsbury. 150 years ago, when she first started doing movies, this chick was H-O-T. I'm not kidding. Also- look at her in "Gaslight". Absolutely stunning. She's also in a musical called "The Harvey Girls" where she plays Judy Garland's nemesis, and her body is brilliant. Brilliant, I say!

Oh.....ow. My head hurts now.

And....oh yeah....no disrespect meant here at all, but Renee Z. is a big bowl of ick.

I know. hahahaha

It's a freebie feeding frenzy

Are we counting dead people? 'Cause if we are, Raul Julia's on my list. Rowr.

In Re: Nigella

If Dan is willing to agree then I think the majority will be happy - and my objection will be, reluctantly, withdrawn.

Emily

I like the Slut factor here. It's why I follow Sheila around. She's my personal Hero.

:: Cracks knuckles ::

Rachel True (bonus points if she wears Private school plaid)
Neve Campbell (Ditto)
Lisa Nicole Carson
Cynda Williams
Lisa Bonet (bonus points if she wore the hat & blazer from the Cosby Show along with the Duran Duran Shirt)
Liv Tyler (In private School plaid)
Jennifer Tilly
Carmen Ejogo
Alex Meneses (in the maid outfit from 'Sherman Oaks')
Gina Ravera
Nia Long
Catherine Zeta Jones
Pam Grier
Angela Bassett
Thandie Newton (See above remark used in excess about private school plaid)
Raquel Welch
Kim Cattrall
Jeanna Fine

Halle Berry

and last but not least...

Appollonia Kotero

...I don't want much.

That's it, people. I'm out, and I'm taking Gwen Stefani with me.

Although I'm gonna have that hairy, gritty taste of PJ O'Rourke in my mind's mouth all night.

Dang it, Red!

Lisa,

Bryan and I had the same dilemma. We love dead people. We see dead people.

We decided that we had to leave them off the list.

But I am WITH you on Raul Julia.

Big Dan:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Alex - about the "slut factor" I have one thing to say to you:

-- stupid goofball laugh. "My girlfriend gave me a cumquat...ho ho ho..."

I think SOMEONE has a school-uniform fetish. ::drums fingers along chin::

Sheila......I'm going to kill you for this thread.

wutzizname:

This is just a wild guess, but do you like chicks who wear schoolgirl plaid?

"Cu-u-u-u-mqu-u-u-ua-a-a-a-a-a-ttttttt!!!!!"

BWA HA HA HA HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!

Stop it! Right now!

Just a bit of background-

I've known Wutzizname since Aug. 2001. He is one of the 'Baltimore Boys'. If you do a search of that term on my site, you can read our story. Since 2001, there has probably not been ONE CONVERSATION between us where the ever-important words "Rachel True" do not make at least a brief appearance.

Margret Thatcher... I love women with power.

Alex -

And there I am, desperately trying to explain to you that it was a GOURD not a CUMQUAT ... as though that would make my actions ANY LESS INSANE!

In re: The Rainbow

Amanda was there indeed, Sheila..

Ken Russell... again!

SHEILAAAAAA

SHUUUUUTTTTT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!

(Falls backward off chair laughing so hard she hits cat on head. Still laughing.)

Alex - SO RIDICULOUS.

"ho ho ho ..." happy laugh "my girlfriend gave me a cumquat!"

You're thinking: "That poor ignorant woman. What a LOSER."

meanwhile - IT'S ME. bwahahahaha

peteb:

What was the name of the OTHER chick in that movie? She got quite a bit of work for about 2 seconds ... and then seemed to disappear. Who knows ... she probably is still around as well!!

Freebie list: Living
Dana Delaney (or most female China Beach alums)
Claire Forlani
Juliette Binoche
Irene Jacob
Marisa Tomei (Yes, I mean it).

Freebie List: Eternal
Ingrid Bergman
Ida Lupino
Teresa Wright
Audrey Hepburn

Freebie List: Cooking-show related
Rachel Raye

Mitch: "freebie-list: cooking-show related"

I absolutely love that.

This might be my best thread ever.

Freebie List: Cooking show related
Jamie Oliver is on my anti-freebie "if he were the last man alive, I'd buy a really big vibrator" list.

Assuming you don't mean the current Member of Parliament, Glenda Jackson.. Judith Paris?

....just a tad. It's one outfit that goes with many, like the French maid outfit complete only with feather duster, or the Nurse's outfit that hasn't been used in practical medicine since...1960?

Or the Schoolteacher outfit. Or the Geisha outfit.

But if you must peel me to the core on the subject of fetish outfits, you have to go past the Slave Girl Leia outfit, Past the Orion Slave girl from Star Trek season 1...You have to go all the way back to an era of television and movies that was long forgotten.

You must recall 'Princess Ardala' from Buck Rogers & the 25th Century. Some may remember a scene where she and Erin Gray's character had to fight hand to hand?

If you'll all excuse me, I need a glass of water.

..and I applaud Emily's post.

Wow. The anti-freebie. What a concept.

Mitch

I don't think you need to qualify Marissa AT ALL! She's totally fantastic looking and talented a-go-go.

Coming back from a submarine mission from areas "unknown", we had a party celebrating a successful cruise. One of the contests was: "The best Penthouse forum letter". Did a such a masterful job about my tryst with Margaret Thatcher that I won! (Much to the consternation of the Captain that thought officers should be above this kind of stuff... he was right). I think the line that won it for me was.... uh probably too graphic for this tender blog.

Anti Freebies and Buying The Extra Large Vibrator List:

Nicolette Sheridan

Anna Nicole Smith

David Hasselhoff

Conaleeza Rice

Leonardo Decaprio (if I want a girl, I'll SLEEP with a girl)

Antonio Banderas (Let's get on thing straight boys, I'M the pretty one)

Any such tryst with Margaret Thatcher should be censored, JFH.

And if Wutzizname needs a more up to date sci-fi example.. Xenia Seeberg.

anti-Freebies:

James van der Beeck

Jewel (literally, you would probably have to kill me first)

Hugh Down

That guy with the pinhead and the HUGELY OVERBUILT BODY who does the commercials for some exercise machinery. Know him? Pinhead, huge body, teeny penis. (Or, at least I'm guessing.)

Gore Vidal

Leonardo DiCaprio's on my anti-freebie list, but that's because he a dead ringer for my little brother.

Jewel, Sheila?

Kill me now!

Emily - yeah, that wouldn't be right.

The Wonder Twins?

Alex,
Well of course Nicolette Sheridan is an anti-Freebie! After all she's a "Sure Thing" (Nobody wants to go after that).

I'd have to put Jewel on my list because she's so insanely arrogant. I remember some guy once made a comment about how he wasn't attracted to her and her response was like "look at me? How could you not want this? I'm so totally hot."

Whatever.

Emily - that's why John Cusack isn't on the Freebie list, even though I'd love to kiss him and stuff. He looks too much like my brother.

Although PJ O'Rourke isn't on my boinkable list, he'd be the first person I'd pick for a 5-day bender in Rio. Or Cleveland, for that matter.

I'd totally do John Cusack. Hot, though I've heard he's a creep.

Emily - I hate that bitch on multiple levels. She called Bob Dylan a "fag" in the middle of a concert. For the same reasons. Like - he didn't think she was attractive, and so - oh - that MUST mean that he is a "fag".

First of all: fag??? Who the hell you talkin' to bitch? I'll throw you down if you use fightin' words like that!

She revealed herself in that moment as the bitch that she is. She paints herself out to be this loving buttercup - who loves all the world - and is friend to the downtrodden - and then she trashes Bob Dylan and calls him a "fag"?

Oh boy. I was about to say "don't get me started" but it looks like I have already started.

I mean - she made some mention of thinking that Dylan was a "fag" during one of her OWN concerts.

I'm so steamed I realized I didn't tell the story right.

Ex-squeeze me, you stupid hag, this is Bob Friggin' Dylan we are talking about. A legend. An icon. A musical genius. Have some goddamm respect. C*nt. I so want to kick her ass right now.

Ok, before we veer off completely into the anti-freebie list.. one more freebie..

Cherie Lunghi.. mmmmm.

Oh Emily, you do not even know.

An entire "We hate that c*** Jewel" website sprung up in the wake of that disaster. I think I wrote about it somewhere here.

Jewel is all like:

"Yeah, I was homeless ... I lived in a van ... yeah ... "

Uhm ... you basically lived in a van IN YOUR MOTHER'S BACKYARD so don't give me that shit.

I've always thought she was a big fat phony.

I totally want to find that website.

I am now offically going to kick Jewel's ass when I get to L.A.

Rats... I'm joining late. This topic came up just last night between me and my boyfriend. We, of course, have the standard "hot tub" people... a list of people we could just "take a break" with, but last night I informed him that if Michael Jordan ever really divorces and we meet, I'm leaving my boyfriend. The End. Michael Jordan is the IT man for me. For Rick, it's whats-her-name from Amelie, Audrey Tatou? Can't say I blame him. I would send him off with a kiss if she comes calling for him.

We should meet up and make it a group effort, Alex.

Only a couple celeb types bring out such rage in me - but Jewel is one of them.

Feel free to kick that bitch's ass, Alex.

Emily and Alex on Jewel??

Jewel wouldn't stand a chance!

PeteB

Who the heck is Cherie Lunghi????????

Emily - they used to link to my Jewel rants all the time, and I would get the funniest letters from them:

"Oh my God, we hate Jewel so much. We want to spread the word about how awful she is! Thanks for doing your part!"

I'll see if I can't track it down - I think they left some comments on my Jewel rants.

Sheila

The BFP was probably desperate to try and fuck some credibility - hence the bitterness at rejection.

Emily,

You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to walk right up to Jewel, grab her by the throat, look her straight in the eye and scream:

"Don't even TRY CHiPS!"

That's what I'm going to do.

Then I'll kick her.

Sheila,
I googled "jewel bob dylan fag" and your rant came up # 5. Some Alex person (excuse me, that was ALEX) went apeshit.

Oh my God, and I was BESIDE myself with rage when she came out with her book of poetry.

I wanted to tear down the displays in Barnes & Noble.

Wow, Emily - that is so weird. Obviously it is a totally different Alex! hahahaha

I am so proud that I am # 5 on Google for "jewel bob dylan fag". My life is complete.

My Anti-Freebie? Brad Pitt.

And after reading Sean Penn's interview in O: The Oprah Magazine, he is now the Eternal Anti-Freebie. What a pretentious git.

Jewel needs an orthodontist in the WORST way, but her boyfriend, Ty Murray, is wicked hot. Hello? World Champion Bareback Rider? HowDEE!

(I'll hold y'all's purses while you kick her ass. Her hand is small, you know, so it should be easy.)

Alex

She appeared in a TV series here called The Manageress.. *ahem*.. about a soccer team.

Gorgeous then.. mostly minor roles (some film work) ever since.

Dude, unfortunately, I picked it up once to see what it was like. Awful. Pretentious. Horrible. Vogon poetry's less talented sister. You can tell she has never studied poetry in her life.

"Oooo, I'll write a lot of pretty words and people will think I am deep and talented."

There were phrases in the book like "crumpled sheets" - Oh shut up you phony with your "crumpled sheets".

The Managress, huh? Soccer Team, huh?

MMmmmmmm. I get the picture. ;-)

"orthodontist in the WORST way"

Kinda like Marathon Man then?

The title alone -- A Night Without Armor.

Puke. Like when have you ever had a night with armor? Condoms don't count.

Oh Sheila!!!!! Can you post some poetry from her???? PLEASE!!?? How awesome would that be? I've never read Crumpled Sheets, and I really need to before I die.

ewwwww.

That's what I mean about her phoniness. Like: oooh, I'm deep, I'm sensitive, I'm without armor.

Ah, buzz off, bitch.

A Night Without Armor??????!!!!

Post some or I'll kill you.

Trust me, Alex. After reading it, you will want to die.

crumpled sheets my ASS. Haven't you ever heard of an iron? Or no, you wouldn't, would you ... because you were homeless and lived in a van ...

(IN YOUR MOTHER'S BACKYARD)

Happily, Alex, I never bought a copy of that silly book. I'll see if I can't find any of her god-awful poems online.

We could do them as dramatic readings next time I visit you all.

It was a very interesting investigative drama about the role of gender in professional sport, Alex..

Honest. :)

Alex,
I found some here. I don't know if I want to laugh or vomit.

I just wet myself a little thinking of dramatic Jewel Readings on The Porch.

Oooo, pete, Lawrence Olivier pulling Jewel's mangled choppers out! That would be awesome.

"Why don't you try singing? It would be easier."

I never knew she lived in her mother's back yard. Everybody used to talk about how tough she was because she lived in a car for a year or whatever. It used to annoy me that people thought this somehow gave her music merit.

From "who is on your freebie list" to "we hate jewel". What a thread.

Oh Sweet Jesus

I just read the first few lines on that link, Emily..

DON'T POST THAT CRAP, SHEILA!

Emily,

Marry me?

Sheila,

Read "Faith" as Joan Crawford at The Hollywood Palace. Do it outloud. I did.

I'm so poetry clueless, I looked at her stuff and it was the same as most other poetry I've read.

Pete,
It's so bad that Grunthos the Flatulents major intestine leapt straight up through his neck to throttle her brain.

I just realized that the "ick" factor runs in families...

Definite entries on my anti-list:

Sarah Jessica Parker
Any Hilton sister
Any Simpson sister
Any Olsen sister
Any Minogue sister
Britney Spears
Hilary Duff
Lindsay Lohan
Pretty much any actress lacking in any visible musical talent who decides to have a music career through the creative use of high technology...

Related to the anti-freebie: is there someone you'd be embarrassed to admit you find attractive?

CRITICISM
The savages are upon me
and I feel my flesh
Burn
beneath the teeth
of their indifference

Heh heh heh.. Even the Vogons would laugh at this.

Woo hoo, 160+ comments and I GOT DIBS ON DEPP! Right on :-)

Johnny Depp.

And I know this isn't a usual freebie type, but John Lydon gets my vote. Not gonna happen, Depp is more realistic.

Brando in his Streetcar/Waterfront era.

De Niro.

Hey Alex, take a number!
I got dibs on Emily a long time ago...

Depp is more realistsic

Heh heh heh.

CRITICISM
the savages are upon me
and I feel my flesh
Burn
beneath the teeth
of their indifference

If they're "indifferent", how are they critics?

Sorry Carrie, couldn't resist.

Pete, that's exactly what I meant. Like either is gonna happen. Although, me and David O'Hara did have that one night .....

heh heh ;-)

Classic misdirection, Lisa. If the critics are indifferent then their criticism is invalidated... she wishes.

OK, my short list (only of the living - including the deceased would hopelessly bog things down):

Julie Christie
Audrey Tautou
Diane Lane (Josh Brolin just got arrested for spousal battery... nah, I still have no chance)
Julie Delpy
Thora Birch
Halle Berry
Charlize Theron
Scarlett Johansson
Sofia Coppola

Aaaaaah, now I get it. Jewel is too profound for my wee brain, I guess.

Wow. I bet I'm the only woman in the history of the world who has ever been proposed to for talking about what a c*nt Jewel is.

Nah, Lisa. Not on the evidence in front of us.

MikeR

Audrey Tautou.. :)

Forgot Claire Danes and Kirsten Dunst...

Let's see...

Keira Knightley
Natalie Portman
Anne Hathaway
Claire Danes
Catherine McCormack
Miranda Otto
Maria Bello
Lindsay Lohan
Rachel Weisz
Katie Holmes
Zhang Ziyi
Monica Belucci

:: runs back into the convo with Dogma on DVD tucked under his arm ::

How the hell could I forget Salma Hayek?

...in private school plaid, no less?

:: steals Red's pen...scribbles 'Xenia Seeberg' on his LEFT hand and returns to his room while nodding at PeteB ::

~~ABC...easy as 123...~~

Anne -

Hm. Embarrassed to admit I find attractive?

I have to think on that one. I know I know that sensation, but nothing is coming to mind.

Bill - Maria Bello! She is beautiful, but on the desirability scale she's way up there in the stratosphere...

I have two I'm mbarrassed to admit I find attractive. Like, I'd sleep with them, bathe in Lysol and then never, ever tell a single soul. They are...

Tommy Lee and Kid Rock. And now I'm going to go find a hole to crawl into and possibly change my name.

Cherie Lunghi was also in Excalibur (as Guinvevere opposite Nigel Terry's Arthur); it may have been her debut, not sure.

Temporal Division
Keira Knightley
Natalie Portman
Anne Hathaway
Rachel Weisz
Monica Belucci
Michelle Yeoh
Janine Turner
Elaine Hendrix
Lara Flynn Boyle
Sherilyn Fenn
Madchen Amick
Emma Thompson
Jolene Blaylock (preferably as T'pol...not that I'm a HUGE GEEK or anything)
Drew Barrymore
Jeri Ryan
Xenia Seeberg
Salma Hayek
Anne Parillaud
Parker Freakin' Posey
Sela Ward
Terry Farrell
Okay, Gwen Stefani
Kim Deal
Kim Shattuck

Celestial Division
Ingrid Bergman
Ava Gardner
Louise Brooks
Paulette Goddard

Excluding ones already mentioned:
Naomi Watts
Carrie Fisher (to fulfill that childhood fantasy)
The woman in the Aveeno commercials
Heather Graham!
And definitely Marisa Tomei.

I agree with most of Ken Hall's list, highlighting Racehel Weisz, Kiera Knightley and Monica Bellucci.

One more for my Freebie list

Emma Caufield

Oh yeah, that chick in the Overstock.com commercial too.

For my Anti-List

Madonna
Pam Anderson
Renee Zellweger
Sarah Jessica Parker
Jennifer Aniston
Jennifer Lopez

well, 200-odd comments, and no one's yet mentioned my freebie, so DAMMNIT SHE'S ALL MINE:

Paulina Porizkova

Come on, people, we need to get to 200 comments! For the children!

And the Overstock.com chick.....ay yi yi!

Cherie Lunghi was in Excalibur, Ken.. I should have used that cultural reference last night - hey, it was late!

Ken - Kudos for having the exquisite taste to mention Kim Shattuck of The Muffs. Did you get a copy of Really Really Happy? I was lukewarm to it at first, but I kept liking it more and more every time I heard it and now I love it. I missed out on getting to see them play live, though. I'm hoping they crank up another tour in the spring...

Actually I realize we already discussed your more embarrassing impure thoughts, red. With the Oompa Loompas. My Mark McGrath thing makes me feel pretty dirty, but more for the association than for the man himself. I don't know that Lysol would be required.

I know very well who Cherie Lunghi is. I think she's lovely. Have always been struck by her face. She seems like the intelligent man's sex goddess. (I say to peteb, who backed me up on Emanuelle Beart.)

I guess I'm also embarrassed to admit that I'm weirdly drawn to Hilary Duff.

Anne

I'd say that's a very accurate description of Cherie Lunghi :)

almost 200 comments...you BITCH! :-)

I forgot Colin Farrell in my original post. RRRrrr.

Oh, and I would just like to reiterate:

BILL.

MUELLER.

Bill Mueller.

oh my god...

Bill Mueller.

Anne - I think Emanuelle Beart is a woman who has actually gotten more compelling as she's gotten older. Maybe I wasn't paying close enough attention when she was younger, but I didn't believe she was a particularly great actress. I was a little shocked by the strength and depth of her performance in Strayed. Wonderful stuff - after seeing that movie, there's no way I could resist if she offered...

Naomi Watts
Sabrina Lloyd
Rebecca Romijn
Vanessa Williams
Diane Lane
Gretchen Mol
Nicoletta Braschi
Tift Merrit
Neko Case
Kate Beckinsale
Gillian Welch
Rachel Weisz
Laura Prepon
Uma Thurman
Mira Sorvino
Julie Delpy
Natalie Portman (she's legal, right?)
Winona Ryder (but only once)
Liz Phair (condoms nonnegotiable)
Tina Fey
Julianne Moore
Annabeth Gish
Nicole Kidman
Salma Hayek
Julia Ormond

Katie Couric (yes! you gotta problem wid dat? I will cure her from ever saying 'The Donald' again - instead she'll say 'The Daniel')

and via time-travel:
Sharon Gless, circa 1978
Carole Lombard, circa 1940
Barbara Hershey, circa 1975
Natalie Wood, circa 1958 (uh oh. doesn't even qualify me by 'Quantum-Leap' rules... so .... 1960.)
((I'll keep Carole Lombard though, if the technology ever becomes available.))

The weird thing is, a lot of real people, non-famous people, would be on my list ... but to name them would just be creepy, no?
On that list there's:
A local newscaster (still very much in the realm of possibility)
A 16-year-old bass player
Several former colleagues

I think it's obvious I don't have a 'type'...

how could I forget?

Dana Delaney.

Also, now that I think of it:
Keira Knightley
Olivia Williams

and any of you females who have women on your list.

"That guy with the pinhead and the HUGELY OVERBUILT BODY who does the commercials for some exercise machinery. Know him? Pinhead, huge body, teeny penis. (Or, at least I'm guessing.)"

Are you talking about the guy who wears his hair pulled back - and a cap, too, I think?....we call him My Little Pony around here.

Wow. I haven't even seen Strayed. Must check it out.

Eunice Burns ... or Burnsie, the sensuous woman.

(Yes, it's me.)