The real question is:

Poop discussion following. Enter at your own risk.

Do you, or do you not, poop at work?

This makes me think of a tangential discussion: are you able to poop in a public bathroom stall at all? This may be only applicable to women – or MOSTLY applicable to women – not sure … but many of us sit around agonizing about this.

I got no problem with it. Bathrooms are THERE for me to do my thing. Why should I be embarrassed about … er… using the bathroom appropriately?

I swear to God that … from wherever I am in NYC – you put me down on any random street corner – and I will be able to tell you where the nearest public bathroom is. I mean, to some degree, you HAVE to have that talent here in the city. If you want any freedom, I mean, if you want to be able to spend 6 hours window-shopping in Soho. (And sorry, but the women who work in the shoe stores in Soho NEVER poop. Those women look inhumanly perfect, and it would be impossible to go up to them and say, “Uh … I need to use your bathroom … ???”) No. They would shame you. “Bathroom? Wow. I don’t need to use those.”

Maybe I’m weird, but I have no problem doing my business in a public bathroom. I don’t know. IT’S A BATHROOM. WHAT THE HELL ELSE AM I GONNA DO IN THERE? It’s not like I poop in the fountain at Lincoln Center, or on the escalator at Virgin Records. IT’S A BATHROOM. THAT’S WHAT IT’S THERE FOR.

However, I do know many people (not just women – although they are MOSTLY women) who are completely unable to poop in a public bathroom. I am glad I am not cursed with that. I have a level of ambulatory freedom that these women don’t. (Especially with my talent for knowing where all public bathrooms are, in all of the 5 boroughs.) Don’t want to make it sound like I poop all day long. Of course not. But if I have to go? I am able to go. And I know where to go. Immediately.

I have pneumonia. Forgive me. I’m a bit consumed with bodily functions right now, and Dooce’s post brought it to the forefront.

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37 Responses to The real question is:

  1. Emily says:

    IT’S A BATHROOM. WHAT THE HELL ELSE AM I GONNA DO IN THERE?

    Oh Sheila, if you really need to ask that question, clearly you’ve never been constipated with a marker in your pocket and you question the morality of having sex in public places.

  2. red says:

    A point I had not considered. (Even though I saw people having sex in the bathroom at Port Authority when I was 16 years old … and … er … never forgot it???)

    No, constipation has never been my issue, thank the good Zeus above.

  3. Lisa says:

    Ew. Pneumonia sucketh. Hope you’re feeling better soon.

    I used to work at a doctor’s office. We had a bathroom for our own use (not the patients’ — theirs was separate and we weren’t allowed to use it at all. ever.) that held only a toilet and a sink. The room was the size of a closet (or a NYC apartment). It was an unspoken rule that the Employee Restroom was for #1 only. If you needed to go #2, you went outside to the bathroom in the corridor of the building. The reasoning was that the, um, odor did not dissipate as quickly in such a contained space, so the next person to come in might be at risk of methane poisoning. :)

  4. red says:

    Lisa – heh heh heh

    Where I used to work, in the Flatiron District – in an old building – we had 2 bathrooms in a small unventilated corridor. We used to call it “the aisle of Stink” because … well. Just what you said.

  5. BSTommy says:

    You know, this is a question I’d expect more to see on my blog than yours…

    But since you asked…I poop in a public toilet if I have to. It’s like you said, that’s what they’re there for. And as for the fear of germs thing…that’s why God gave us immune systems.

    I will qualify that by saying that I if I have my druthers, I poop in my own toilet. There are a couple of reasons.

    First, it’s knowing your environment. You know where the toilet paper is, at your own toilet, if the roll is empty. And, being both a tall and large feller, some public stalls don’t give you room to poop comfortably, either. In my home, I don’t have those problems.

    Also, I’m not crazy about the public, in general. They’re loud, and they stink. Not to say that my poop don’t stink, but some of the smells other people put out in that shared space are ghastly.

    But, to answer you question, if I gotta go, if the quivering bowel hits while walking down the sidewalk…I can and do. (and have, as recently as this afternoon…or is that too much info?)

  6. Emily says:

    Why am I not surprised BS Tommy showed up and wrote a thesis of an answer to this one?

  7. red says:

    Oh Tommy, NATURALLY I prefer my own environment. I’m right with ya on that one.

    And … even though I’m feckin’ OLD, a part of me still believes that I am going to accidentally get pregnant from public toilet seats … I know rationally that the odds of this are … ridiculously low … but i also cannot stand the thought of other people’s germs.

    However, I have a friend – a guy friend – who is literally UN-ABLE to do his thing in anything BUT his own bathroom.

    Therefore. He is a slave to his own bodily functions.

  8. red says:

    Emily –

    HAHAHAHAHA

  9. BSTommy says:

    Wasn’t it Sherwood Anderson that said write what you know?

  10. red says:

    BS Tommy, many other great writers have expounded on the other rule of writing: “Show – don’t tell”.

    But let’s not apply that rule in THIS case, shall we??

  11. peteb says:

    I argee with BSTommy’s point on the roll issue.. more likely a problem with public facilities than work.. provided the pooping-at-workers outnumber the no-pooping-at-workers.

    As for my own poop-at-work policy, well thankfully, it’s not, currently, an issue – working from home has such benfits.. *sigh* – but, as long as the said facilities are not positioned beside the desk at which I was working, I’ve not had a problem in the past either.

  12. Lisa says:

    His Honor is so proper that when he has to go #2, he’ll come out of his office and say, “I’m going to be indisposed for a while.” Then I’ll hear the lock on the Bathroom of Justice click.

    And I giggle.

  13. red says:

    Oh and by the way, no shame here.

    Like a famous children’s book says: Everybody Poops.

  14. Lisa says:

    Isn’t that a song by REM?

    “Everybody poooooops. . .sometimes.”

  15. BSTommy says:

    There was a guy who lived in our dorm who had a real problem with going in a public toilet, which sucked for him, because we had the old-style community toilets. He did a Kramer, lost the urge, and in three weeks, had done a complete 180, from praying not to have to crap in a public toilet, to praying to be able to crap at all….

  16. red says:

    BSTommy:

    A horrible story. Praying, indeed …

  17. BSTommy says:

    The last I’ll say on the subject, there are a couple I wish were afraid to go at work.

    The Health Department is going to shut us down one day just because Jeremy can’t stay away from the huevos rancheros….

  18. Emily says:

    Lisa,
    Those lyrics would actually improve that song.

  19. Todd says:

    Ah, the age old question. It all goes back to the simplicity of, “When ya gotta go, ya gotta go.” I was going to post a link somewhat related on Fart Classification, but this is not my turf :-)

  20. Emily says:

    I suppose this is a relevant place to post this link.

  21. Dave E. says:

    I did some BWCA trips with an older guy we called The Outfitter. One cold morning one of the guys was in obvious discomfort after his first cup of coffee. It was pretty obvious he needed to go but he didn’t want to take the frost off the latrine. The Outfitter looked at him and said “Train’s in the station, eh?” The other guy just kinda shook his head yes. The Outfitter said “Well son, if the train wants to leave, don’t stand there on the tracks.” Off he went and we just looked at The Outfitter. He looked back and said “When the train’s in the station, the train’s in the station”.

    Wise words that apply pretty much anywhere I think.

  22. red says:

    Dave E.

    I find your story immensely comforting and immensely validating. The Outfitter is incredibly wise.

  23. Dave E. says:

    Damn, meant to say get well soon too. Don’t mess with pneumonia, take it easy for a while.

  24. Stevie says:

    Emily! BAAAAA!

    Okay, I used to have a boss that would come into the bathroom at work when I was in the stall (urinals next to the toilet) and say, “Is that you, Steve?” And after five seconds of do-I-don’t-I, I’d say, “Uh, yeah.” And he would launch into giving me instructions on some project – accompanied to the sounds of unzipping, hauling out the boss equipment, wizz, tap, zip.

    Once, when I was very brave, right after he said, “What do you think of that idea, Steve?” I flushed. Really, I coulda made a much more disgusting audio comment at that juncture.

  25. red says:

    Okay, Stevie, here’s another thing – and maybe only the women can comment on this. I’ve had conversations with my girlfriends about this (and compared it to what I hear goes on, from my male friends).

    Women try to hold back the sounds, in a public-stall situation. It’s almost like some sick contest … who can sit there in silence the longest, until one of them caves, and freakin’ GOES TO THE BATHROOM. Much flushing of toilets, etc.

    I’ve heard from my guy friends though that this is NOT the case from the other side of the gender fence. That guys have no problem just … letting it all hang out, in the bathroom.

    I can’t tell you how much this is not true for women. We are all still kind of huddled in there, ashamed of it … It’s VERY WEIRD. My friend Allison told me of a girlfriend of hers who has this whole “fuck it” philosophy about being in the bathroom with a bunch of women. She goes in there and FREELY does her thing, no shame … why should there be shame IN A BATHROOM??

    So … I realize we all don’t know each other that well, but this is an interesting topic to me:

    Men – do you not have any problem at all with the poop functionality, when there are other guys in the bathroom with you? Do you not think about it at all?

    And … why IS that, do you think?

    Sometimes I’m in a public bathroom, and there are all of these women, holed up in stalls … and I can’t hear NOTHIN’ coming from them, and NOTHIN’ is comin’ from me… and it’s like this weird contest: okay, girls – who’s gonna cave first? If I hear ONE peep out of that chick over there, then all hell is gonna break loose, and we’re all gonna feel free to just do our thing …

    Women? Men? Thoughts on this oh-so-important topic?

  26. red says:

    Emily –

    I am HOWLING reading that link.

    “Corn Poopie. Self-explanatory”.

  27. Stevie says:

    Okay, I admit that on occasion, if I’m mid-poop, and it’s accompanied by lots of “audio,” and I hear someone come into the bathroom to use the urinal, I’ll kinda sit there in a state of suspended animation until he’s done/departed.

    Okay, and this is the other thing – I don’t like to emerge from the stall while there’s someone standing at the urinal. This applies, by the way, only to intimate public bathrooms comprised of one stall and one or two urinals. You exit the stall while the other guy is still pissing, but he might be just wrapping up, so there’s the whole “who gets to wash their hands first” thing and other awkward hierarchical issues.

    Oh, and this is probably just me, but when I’m on the john, and there’s someone at the urinal, I don’t like to pull TP and put it into action, because “he’ll know what I’m doing” and it seems kinda intimate to have your finger “that close” to “it” when someone is just a few feet away.

    I’m blushing now.

  28. red says:

    Stevie –

    That is unbelievably fascinating, even though I barely know what the hell you are talking about.

    I have this whole deep theory (which borders on wacko black-helicopters type stuff) about why men piss in front of each other and why women are confined behind stalls. It always amazed me that … well … basically that genitalia were on display in the men’s room …

    Oh God, don’t get me started. My theory is deep and positively insane. Men EXPECT to see each other’s genitalia in the bathrooms – women NEVER do. EVER.

    Okay, think I have to write a post on this, as nuts as it will be.

    Also, Stevie, thank you so much for your honesty, and for saying the words “mid-poop” on my blog, freely, and with no shame. I applaud you.

  29. Stevie says:

    Red, only for you.

  30. red says:

    I try to create a safe and sacred space for that vulnerability, Stevie.

  31. Stevie says:

    Well, all that talk about Ashlee’s sphincter paved the way . . .

  32. melissa says:

    2 things –

    First – I can deal with doing my thing in a public bathroom. No problem. Doesn’t matter who’s in there. I CAN’T deal with talking through the stall walls. Ick.

    Second – had a friend in college with the same public bathroom issues you describe. Made living in a dorm hell for her.

  33. Big Dan says:

    Sheila, if you will forgive me, I think that I am humbly able to turn this question up yet another notch.

    Would you be able to go in THIS bathroom?

    http://www.danielchampion.com/archives/2005/01/need_the_potty.html#comments

    (Sorry I don’t know how to put links in conversation, but there’s the web address to a post from last week featuring a psychologically difficult potty)

  34. jackie says:

    She, You just have to remember to “feather the nest”, as I do and as to the comments about dorm room bathrooms, let us not forget my cookie tin incident……….

    J

  35. LIz says:

    Red – I drink a lot of water all day every day and so when I visited your fair city some many years ago I was quite pained to find that my friend who I was visiting did not have your vital tracker’s sense of the location public facilities. This meant that like every two hours we had to go into a bar and rent beers which just perpetrated the vicious cycle. It was exhausting. Maybe you can add pages to your site titled Red’s NYC Loo Locator. This is the kind of info travelers really need. All 5 boroughs! I’m in awe.

  36. red says:

    Liz –

    I just put something up – in response to your query. Print it out! Save it!!! :)

  37. Just1Beth says:

    Oh,I so can’t breathe due to the laughter! I find myself in a strange kind of situation. On a day to day basis, I am fine with pooping in public if I must (again, I prefer my own toilet…like many others.) However, once I start to travel, my sphincter slams shut. It is like my colon notices, “Oh yeah! I don’t recognize this scenery. I must go into shut down mode.” It has led to some pretty stomach rumbling experiences in Alaska, Ireland and Florida, let me tell you. I am hoping that when I go to Jamaica in Feb. I can break free of this, and poop freely throughout the Caribbean.

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