Dear Tourists: A Primer For Finding Public Bathrooms in Manhattan

If you put me down on any random street corner in New York City, I will be able to locate the nearest public bathroom in, oh, less than 5 minutes. It is not that I have been on every street corner in the 5 boroughs – it is just that I know what to look for.

I have one rule about this:

— I avoid having to go to a place where I need to buy anything in order to use the facilities

No. I am looking for PUBLIC BATHROOMS. Preferably public bathrooms that look NOTHING like the public toilet Ewan McGregor was forced to use in Trainspotting. So my standards are, admittedly high, however I have narrowed it all down to a fine art, and so … I am going to pass on my words of wisdom to those of you who ever visit here, and want to window-shop for 5 hours at a time, and have no idea what the hell to do if you have to pee.

I am here to teach. Print this out, next time you come my way. You won’t be sorry.

Two words:

Starbucks.
Barnes & Noble.

(Oops, that’s 4 words)

These two mega-chains have completely taken over our fair city (Starbucks, especially) – and Starbucks always has public bathrooms, that are usually clean. I am not exaggerating when I say that there is practically a Starbucks on every block here in NYC. I don’t like Starbucks coffee myself, but I ADORE their ubiquitousness, because I have had MANY a pitstop there in my walkabout days in NYC.

So there’s that.

2nd of all. Barnes & Noble. These are also everywhere and there are usually MULTIPLE stalls, so that you can do your thing and not feel the impatient line gathering outside the door (which is one bad thing about Starbucks.)

My philosophy (and I try to live up to it) is this:- if I have to pee, I look for a Starbucks. (Due to it being quick, easy, and there usually is a line waiting to get into the bathroom after me – so I don’t feel weird or ikky about the whole thing.) If I have to shit, I’m all about lookin’ for the Barnes & Noble.

Take this wisdom from me, and go forth and flourish.

Other public bathrooms:

— If you’re in the Times Square area: make your way to Port Authority (corner of 42nd and 8th). Go to the SECOND floor. There is an enormous bathroom facility with about 40 stalls up there. If you’re anywhere near Times Square, Port Authority is a short walk away.

— Another good place (despite the massive crowds shopping there) for a pitstop in Times Square is the Virgin Megastore. Now it’s always a MADHOUSE there – but there are bathroom facilities (down on the lower level, in back of the DVD area). Hanging out in Times Square? Head to the Virgin Megastore to do your thing in utter chaos.

— Across town, there is Grand Central Station. This also has HUGE bathroom facilities (down on the lower level). If I’m shopping over there, which I am wont to do because it’s a shopping haven, I can RELAX because I know Grand Central is only moments away.

— I must reiterate: Barnes & Nobles (and they are usually located RIGHT in the hub of things, in Chelsea, near Lincoln Center – big tourist traps – so unless you’re hanging out in the wilds of Spanish Harlem, you WILL be near a Barnes & Noble in your visits to NYC): Here, off the top of my head, are the B&N scattered up and down Manhattan:

– 22nd and 6th
– Union Square (mega-store, 4 stories) Bathroom on the 2nd floor, in the back of the Kids Books section
– 66th and Broadway (another mega-store – bathrooms all the way at the top)
– 86th and Lexington (good for pit-stops if you’re hanging out in Central Park, right nearby)
– 82nd and Broadway
– The Astor Place Barnes & Noble. (If you’re hanging out down in the East Village, getting tattooes or whatever, and feel the need to “go” – know that this Barnes & Noble is there for you. It’s a bit hidden, so ask where it is. Everyone knows it. Additionally, there is a Starbucks a block away. So you have two options.)

— There is, as well, the McDonalds factor. Although I really try to avoid McDonalds (to eat, or to do anything else there), they are EVERYWHERE. In an emergency?? Know that all you need to do is scan up and down the block, and you will PROBABLY see a McDonalds within your view … and you do not have to be a customer there to use the bathroom. Because no one who works at McDonalds gives a damn about anything. In general. So you can stroll right in, and head to the toilets and no one will stop you. Warning though: McDonalds are NASTY in this city. They’re like 3rd world bathrooms. Only use this option if you literally cannot wait a moment longer.

— This is a little-known secret, to all book lovers: The Strand has public facilities. I hang out at the Strand ALL. THE. TIME. For HOURS. ON. END. And before I discovered the bathrooms, I always felt a bit stressed out there, because I thought I would have to LEAVE if I had to “go”, and then come back. But no. There are 2 rickety bathrooms on the premises. Just know that the toilets look like they are from the late 19th century, AND that the bathrooms are so small that you must urinate with your knees up around your ears. But that being said. THEY DO EXIST. Just ask, if you happen to be there.

I certainly hope that this helps and that this frees you up from any “what the hell do I do if I have to go??” anxiety, as you pound the pavement of this gorgeous dirty town.

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7 Responses to Dear Tourists: A Primer For Finding Public Bathrooms in Manhattan

  1. Brendan O'Malley says:

    good friend larry says the public bathroom to end all public bathrooms is in the plaza hotel. since it is a public landmark they cannot turn you away. there is a luxurious bathroom in the lobby.

    you may get some strange looks as you fart your way through pretending to admire the architecture but they can’t ask you to leave!

  2. Fart your way through pretending to admire the architecture! Ha ha ha ha ha. Poop and farting references will ALWAYS be funny to me.

    I also suggest the Marriot Marquis (B’way bet 44/45th Streets) for their bathroom facilities. Oh and take a ride in the glass elevators for a head rush while you’re there. Recommended!

  3. Popskull says:

    Kid, I’ll shit on the sidewalk before I drop trough in McDirt. I once had a bathroom experience at a NYC McD’s that rivaled “Trainspotting.” I’m scarred.

  4. Carrie says:

    I can only imagine the search terms that will lead to this post.

    “Take this wisdom from me, and go forth and flourish.”

    Read that as, ‘go forth and flush’..

  5. Just1Beth says:

    Nadnerb- OH.MY.GOD. I can NOT stop laughing at your fart comment, as well as your sister’s post in general. I am sitting here, reading these aloud to my husband, who finds them just as humorous. Now THAT’S a great way to spend a Saturday night, huh? I KNOW we are soulmates!!! I have to go find a kleenex to wipe these tears from my eyes!!

  6. Dano says:

    Finally, the first half of the George Costanza Guide has made it online.

    Now I need to know the places you can send a half-eaten meal back and not pay.

  7. Chai-rista says:

    Thanks so much, Red. I will treasue your words and carry your wisdom with me as I go forth. Printing now!

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