A Total Haiku Fit – Part 1

I don’t know why “haikus” were so in vogue for a while with my group of friends, but they were. We wrote haikus for EVERYTHING. We would leave haikus lying about the house. We would speak in full haikus, right at each other. EVERYTHING could be boiled down into 5-7-5. It was hard to NOT turn every headline, every billboard, into a haiku.

Mitchell and I were Haiku Central, pretty much. Because … well … we’re nuts. There were a good 3 months there when … we were probably even DREAMING in haiku form.

One of our jokes was that there should be a 1-800 number for “haiku emergencies”. We created an imaginary dispatcher, and we made up an entire personality for the woman who answered the Haiku Hotline. Like, she was beleaguered, bitter, and OVER it. Snapping gum, dealing with Haiku Emergencies left and right. The chick had seen it all. Nothing would rattle her. She’d answer the phone, snapping her gum, “1-800 Haiku, how can I help you?” The emergency would then be described to her, breathlessly … and 1-800 # lady would turn around and shout into the dispatch microphone: “LISTEN UP GUYS. WE GOT A CHICK HAVIN’ A TOTAL HAIKU FIT DOWN THE MERCH MART. ANYONE AVAILABLE TO HANDLE IT?”

So stupid. We entertained ourselves for months on haikus. It appears now, in retrospect, that Mitchell and I were the ones having “a total haiku fit”.

As described below, Mitchell and I wrote a series of Haikus for all of our favorite Winter Olympic athletes. This was in the winter of 1993. The Olympics of Tanya Harding. We wrote haikus about Tanya. I wrote one about Nancy Kerrigan. I have them all written down somewhere. THEY. ARE. SO STUPID.

Here is MItchell’s haiku about Tanya Harding:

Pink Spandex Falters
Guilty Skates Have No Rhythm
The World Is Unmoved

Now … if you DON’T find this funny … well. It’s okay. I don’t hold it against you. Humor is subjective. But … in MY world … this is F***IN FUNNY. We did dramatic readings for each other of our STUPID haikus about Tanya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan. We spent the days CRYING with laughter.

During the entire Winter Olympics that year (we were obsessed with them) … we sat scribbling haikus on various memo pads in our house. WHY??? I DO NOT KNOW.

I have never questioned it.

There is one other story I need to tell … about my very own Haiku Fit … Mitchell will know of what I speak, and so will Alex.

I need to work my way up to that one, though.

It’s an insane story … my own behavior STILL seems relatively incomprehensible to me (although, if I do say so myself, I get a total kick out of the whole thing.) I remember that time in my life so specifically … my only goal was to live my life in as comedic a manner as possible. That was ALL that mattered. COMEDY was it. I wanted to have funny stories to tell my grandkids. That was IT. I took NOTHING seriously. I was young, what can I say. And so my main goal was to have a comedic life.

Naturally, this involved haikus.

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15 Responses to A Total Haiku Fit – Part 1

  1. j swift says:

    Hey, isn’t that a George Michael song? ;)

  2. Mr. Bingley says:

    in honor of this:

    ken wearing camos
    this will drive out infidels?
    stupid zarkawi

  3. mjf says:

    i referenced the GM song as sort of a white trash cultural touchstone..and i resent having to define my work! …clearly just kidding…Sheil..”Merch Mart”????…we were lunatics! I love you!!!!!

  4. red says:

    hahahahaha

    I can still see all our little scraps of paper lying about the house, mjf … with haikus on them. We should have been institutionalized or something.

    Of course, then there is the whole “Wi-ku fit” bastardization … but I just didn’t want to get into that whole thing.

  5. Emily says:

    I’ll have to put some effort into “Ode To Nancy Kerrigan’s Knees” tonight.

  6. Linus says:

    The future promise
    of Haiku hilarity
    is worth attending

  7. Ann Marie says:

    Hmmm… I’m wondering if I know this story. Of course, I’m sure there are MANY stories involving haikus. Is this one going to be about an umbrella?

  8. red says:

    Yes, Ann Marie. It involves an umbrella. And WAY too many haikus.

    I will leave out the names of all the participants in the tale.

  9. red says:

    laughing out loud right now. “Does it involve an umbrella?” Ann … what an insane time!!

  10. Dave E. says:

    Never got into the haiku thing (there’s a shock I’m sure) but I have to say that “Guilty Skates Have No Rhythm” is freakin’ brilliant.

  11. Anne says:

    Oh my god – I just snorted diet coke out my nose at “guilty skates have no rhythm.”

  12. Mark says:

    Oh man, this must’ve been some sort of early-90s thing. My friends and I would create memorial haiku any time someone famous died. Actually, I still do it on occasion. I saved a bunch of mine:

    C. R. Milne Memorial Haiku
    Christopher Robin
    He died bitter and angry
    Hating that damn bear

    Burgess Meredith Memorial Haiku
    He taught me one thing:
    Before the Apocalypse,
    Get some spare glasses

    Dr. Spock Memorial Haiku
    Live long and prosper
    Says stoic first officer
    Whoops, wrong one — sorry

    DeForest Kelly Memorial Haiku
    Knew the end was near
    He started looking worse than
    In “The Deadly Years”

    Payne Stewart Memorial Haiku
    Rough lie for Stewart
    Worse yet, he didn’t even
    Replace his divot

    Gene Rayburn Memorial Haiku
    Old Gene is so dead –
    How dead is he? – He’s so dead
    He’s stiff as a…blank

    John Lee Hooker Memorial Haiku
    Ba-da-BAAA-da-bump
    Got the John Lee Is Gone blues
    Ba-da-BAAA-da-bump

  13. Mr. Bingley says:

    ode to nancy k

    crowbar of plenty’s
    impact should’ve made you tons
    wasted by your whine

  14. red says:

    Mark –

    That is absolute lunacy. I love it.

    Was there something in the air in the early 90s .. hovering over Chicago and Wisconsin … making all of us prone to haiku-writing?

  15. Dave J says:

    You may recall that OpinionJournal.com did goodbye haikus (“bye-kus”) for each of the Democratic primary candidates in 2004. Joe Lieberman’s is the one I remember by heart:

    Butterfly ballots
    And Jews for Buchanan can’t
    Explain this goring.

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