Letter to Cookie Monster

Dear Cookie Monster:

So. Yes. Everyone is talking about this. I first heard the news and I thought: Uhm … NO. Cookie would have nothing to do with this. He would stand for that photo shoot in the article, and he would look over the Food Pyramid-approved vegetables with his huge voracious googly eyes, his black hole of a mouth, and he would be searching, searching … eyes scanning over carrots, grapes … looking for THE ONE THING IN LIFE HE CARES ABOUT. He would have increasingly anxious thoughts as his google-eyes scanned about: “Where cookie? Me want cookie …”

To me, Cookie Monster, you will always be:

A blue. Furry. Googly-eyed. Cookie-eating. LUNATIC.

Beloved by children everywhere.

Your name is Cookie MONSTER. Mkay? Not Cookie LOVER, or Cookie Boy, or Cookie Afficianado. You are a MONSTER and your whole life is about COOKIES. You do not have a normal level of desire. In fact, you are so obsessed with cookies that THAT THAT IS YOUR NAME. This has never ceased to amaze me. Ernie loved his Rubber Ducky, sure, but his name was not “Rubber Ducky”, his name was Ernie. You took your obsession to such new heights that no one could call you anything else.

How many of us can say that? Is my name Old Movies? No. Is my name Central Asia or Founding Fathers? No. My name is Sheila. Not too many of us live our entire lives harboring only ONE GOAL, and holding up that ONE GOAL above all others. It takes courage, drive, and commitment. You haven’t taken your eye off the cookie once.

Until now.

Now they will force you to say that cookies are only good for you SOMEtimes. This must KILL you, Cookie. That would be like some stupid group of unimaginative people making me do a commercial where I said, “It’s okay if you like old movies … just don’t like them TOO MUCH.”

Those people don’t understand passion like yours, those people wouldn’t know how to love something in the feverish way that you love cookies. They are JEALOUS. They want to CONTROL you. Perhaps, like Mitch suggests, they want to call you “The Moderate Monster”. They look at your wacko eyes and they hear your caveman syntax … and they can’t stand your wildness, they can’t stand the greatness of you, they rush in to tamp you down. It has taken them 25 years … but now it has occurred. You will now become a mouthpiece for their fear and caution.

It must kill you. I can only imagine, Cookie, the shame. The shame of being forced to betray your deepest held convictions about cookies.

Cookie, let me tell you this. I will not forget the old Cookie Monster madman. I will still believe that you are IN THERE, even though they won’t let you show it anymore.

I will still remember fondly that time you ate the telephone because it looked like a cookie. Good for you! You had the cord hanging out of your mouth, and your googled-eyes suddenly looked flat and very confused. But still: good for you, you gave it your best shot.

I will still remember how you burped long and loud at the end of a Christmas special, after you ate the Christmas tree. That belch must have felt really good, Cookie.

I will still remember the growing frenzy you would show, as your need for a cookie fix grew to apocalyptic levels. I always wanted you to have a cookie. I never wanted to hold you back.

I WILL REMEMBER YOU, COOKIE.

You’ll always be a wacko raging cookie-loving Id to me.

Me want old Cookie.

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33 Responses to Letter to Cookie Monster

  1. siobhan says:

    this is such a great tribute to Cookie!! Poor Cookie.

  2. The Moderate Monster

    Someone told me yesterday that “Cookie Monster”, the beloved glutton from Sesame Street, has moderated his habits. “He’s just a monster who loves the occasional cookie, but eats fruits and vegetables most of the time,” reported my correspondent. “Balon…

  3. ricki says:

    I’d not be at all surprised to find out they had put poor old Cookie on some kind of psychotropic drugs to cause this change. Or perhaps several months worth of “sessions” involving a darkened back room, chanting, food deprivation, sleep deprivation, and people with shaved heads telling him how much they loved him…

    This just bums me out.

    I suppose it’s entirely possible that the REAL Cookie Monster is locked in a closet somewhere, his hands bound and duct tape over his mouth, and this is merely an imposter (Perhaps one of the lesser-known monsters, not seen since the 70s, with a little extreme makeover going on?).

    I don’t know. I wish the good folks at CTW could leave well enough alone. Millions upon millions of kids, starting in 1968, watched Cookie go ape-feces every time he was faced with something round and sweet and cookielike, and I would guess very few of them developed full-blown eating disorders as a result.

    Let’s all join hands and sing:
    C is for cookie
    that’s good enough for me
    C is for cookie
    that’s good enough for me
    C is for cookie
    that’s good enough for me
    oh, cookie cookie cookie starts with C.

    I wish there were some kind of cookie-centric version of pouring a 40-ouncer out on the ground to honor the departed spirit of this beloved monster.

  4. red says:

    The thought of Cookie Monster on psychotropic drugs “chanting” makes me feel homicidal.

  5. red says:

    Siobhan – you are the biggest Cookie fan I know.

  6. peteb says:

    To Associated Press. If you’re going to appropriate a quote you should do it properly.. Sheesh. *shakes head* –

    “Something is rotten in the state of Muppet.”

    That’s your headline!

    To Sheila. Couldn’t agree more.

  7. Dave J says:

    Two words: New Coke. I mean, seriously, who’s moronic idea was this?!

  8. Dave J says:

    Um, I mean “whose.” You can see how outraged I am that I actually forget to be a grammar Nazi. ;-)

  9. Dan says:

    Sad sad sad sad.

    This did make me laugh though:
    “Is my name Old Movies? No. Is my name Central Asia or Founding Fathers? No. My name is Sheila. ”

    I think you should take up a blognom-de-guerre in honor of your obssions. Like Central Asian Move Father.

  10. red says:

    hahaha

    Grammar concerns are NOTHING when it comes to taking away Cookie’s one love.

    Sincerely yours,
    Central Asian Movie Father.

  11. Dan says:

    Had to share this:
    //Cookie Monster. I am a little scared of this guy. He is pure id. He is crazy. You never know what he is going to do next. I mean, check out his wildly rolling pupils, his tendency to devour both food and non-food items, his inability to use the “I” pronoun. Cookie Monster is the guy that you can’t not invite to the party, because he is such a long-time part of your scene, but you assign one of your friends to kind of keep an eye on him. Verdict: A qualified yes.//

    from this classic post:
    http://smartypants.diaryland.com/022103.html

  12. red says:

    Oh my God, Dan – that whole post is just PERFECT.

  13. red says:

    “You can’t just ride on being seven feet tall, you have to develop some sort of personality.”

    hahahahaha

  14. red says:

    “Grover is the only Muppet with a job.”

    She is KILLING me over there. I love her!!

  15. Dan says:

    Yeah, I’m a long time fan of her stuff; sasdly she doesn’t post as much anymore.

    The muppet post may be my all-time favorite.

  16. red says:

    “Me and Oscar, getting all kinds of punk rock fucked-up on amphetamines and malt liquor.”

    I can’t stop laughing.

  17. jess says:

    I giggled like a little girl through this whole post. Somewhere around “You haven’t taken your eye off the cookie once,” I started crying.

  18. red says:

    jess … hahahahaha

    It’s awful, isn’t it? Awful and also hilarious.

  19. melissa says:

    This is wrong on so many fronts… but Sesame Street has gotten so bland in the last years, this is not that much of a surprise. The production values have gone up – but its overly cute and saccarine these days.

    I came face to face with this over the weeknd when my little one decided to watch an old Sesame Street videotape (c1994). One of the skits was Kermit playing lawyer to Cookie Monster as he answers McNeil’s questions about Cookiegate. Now… that had to have been done for the parents… kids would have giggled a bit, but the parents!

    Next they’re going to put the Count on antidepressants to counter his obvious OCD symptoms.

  20. Emily says:

    A woman in her mid-thirties pens a letter to the Cookie Monster on the internet. More than a dozen grown adults respond with sympathy.

    I love blogs.

    When journalists are always writing speculative articles about the power and use of blogs, this is it. THIS IS IT!

  21. red says:

    Emily … i never thought of it like that. i am laughing out loud. “more than a dozen grown adults…”

    I love the INternet!

  22. Laura says:

    I SO wish TVLand would buy the rights to old episods of Sesame Street…I’m afraid what it will be like by the time we have kids.

  23. Galen's Log says:

    Alas, we hardly knew thee…

    Maybe some of you have felt my pain over what has become of the Cookie Monster.

  24. Just1Beth says:

    Well, I am going to HAVE to check out that post, but let it be known, that Kermit has a job, too. (Hi-ho, Kermit THEE frog, here…) He is a reporter. But one DOES have to wonder how Ernie and Bert manage to pay the rent with no jobs. Maybe it is rent controlled….

  25. red says:

    Beth – hahahahaha you are right! Kermit is a roving reporter! Actually, she does mention that, too – she calls Kermit a “renaissance frog”.

    By the way – we need to plan a deck party this summer for when Cirkus Smirkus is in RI … I spoke with Mitchell about it. I’ll find out the dates, maybe we can plan something?

  26. red says:

    I have to say something, even though this is my post. I know it will sound crazy, but I just spent about 15 seconds looking deeply into Cookie Monster’s eyes.

    I highly recommend that activity.

    Just LOOK at the photo. Don’t judge it, don’t impose anything – just LOOK.

    Look at him. LOOK AT HIM. i am shaking with laughter. I LOVE HIM.

  27. Dave J says:

    An immortal highlight, at least in my mind:

    “Me am Alistair Cookie, and this…Monsterpiece Theatre.”

  28. Turning Blue With Envy

    Sigh. I wish I’d written this. Yeah, I know I’m supposed to turn green with envy. I may screw up most things, but on this one I know what I’m doing. Go read the post, doof….

  29. red says:

    hahahahahahahaha Oh God!! I loved that!!

  30. lisa says:

    I bet they made him blue cause all along the writers knew this day would come to pass eventually.

  31. Just1Beth says:

    Sheil- let me know when the circus will be here. By the way, I love how the conversation turns from Kermit the Renaissance frog to Mitchell coming over my house!!!! ha ha ha!!!

  32. Dan says:

    Aaah Monsterpiece Theatre. Who can forget Cookie’s star turn in Me Claudius.

  33. Tman says:

    THE COOKIE REVOLUTION WILL NOT BE TELEVISED!!!!!

    WE MUST LIBERATE COOKIE MONSTER!!!!

    Great read there Sheila….

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