The Sheila Variations

Embrace the lame: for anyone coming to our Friday gathering who doesn't have the faintest idea what I look like, I'll be the one carrying the towel.

Emily, you'll be easier to spot if you're wearing a towel. As a bonus, stuff like that makes for great blog stories - the kind that people can roll out again later when they don't have anything new that day.

I'll have to work on my lame list. Red, yours is going to be hard to top, I'm afraid.

Cary Grant and Humphrey Bogart are so not lame! That you know so much about them makes you totally awesome!
If you were talking about David Hasselhoff I'd be amused rather than impressed.
I love disco and will break into the hustle in the grocery store aisle. I secretly long to wear again the danskin one piece with crossover spaghetti straps and matching wrap around circle skirt in Aqua blue that I once wore with my Candy's as I boogied to Evelyn Champagne King.
Now that's lame.
But it would still be so. much. fun!

Candy's!! oh my God! hahahaha

Hey, you sass that hoopy Emily? There's a frood who really knows where her towel is!

Getting teary-eyed whenever the Hitchhiker theme gets played.. sat through a TV special on the London premiere on Monday cursing the totally non-fan-girl presenter for her lame questions to those involved with the movie.. and then, right at the end, they played a short clip of the TV version title logo and a few bars of the theme.. *sniff*

To all attending the Friday gathering..

Pints of bitter and extra peanuts all round.. Cheers!

Well, to start with, let me just say that there's nothing lame about Bring It On; that movie totally rocked.

You want to hear about lame? I'll give you lame: a few months ago, I went home to visit my parents, and found a few boxes of my old stuff in the basement. About 80% of it consisted of those $5 paperback fantasy novels. Not 'respectable' fantasists; I mean the crap TSR published to sell their Dungeons & Dragons modules. You know, the ones whose covers had the leggy elvish chicks with enormous... swords - the teenaged boy's equivalent of trashy romance novels.

Anyway, upon discovering I found this long-buried treasure trove, I started reading them. All of them. As many as I could in that weekend. Raistlin abandoning Caramon as they were about to sail into the Maelstrom... Drizz't on the suicide mission through Tarterus to rescue Cattie-Brie... The fact that I can even remember all these names is testament to how completely immersed I was. Notice the excessive hyphenation and apostrophes? I totally eat that up. Before I left, I even stuffed a half-dozen of my favorites into my backpack and took them on the plane with me back to Chicago...

Keep in mind - I'm not saying I'm lame because I bought all those books when I was 13. I feel no shame about that - that's who they were written for. No, I'm lame because I still enjoy the heck out of them even though I'm almost thirty. I would still be buying them at Borders if I didn't have to face the scorn of the unemployed PhD behind the counter... The only reason I don't order them from Amazon is the fact that it would leave an electronic record of the transaction in perpetuity. Those books I took with me back from the island? I keep them stashed under my bed in a pile of socks, where better men than I keep their pornography collections.

Now excuse me, I have to go finish reading The Yom Kippur War. Because that's what I like to read, since I'm a serious scholarly reader of serious books about history and... other... important... thingies.

Don't hate me, but I've never read Hitchhikers (I know! I know!). BUT. . .

We saw the trailer at the movies this weekend (We saw SAHARA, and it wasn't bad. Steve Zahn is totally my new boyfriend, and Penelope Cruz's bra deserves an Oscar.) and the boys both said they wanted to see it. You think it'll be OK for a seven-year-old? Will we get it without having read the book?

Back to the lame. . .

Independent George:

"I would still be buying them at Borders
if I didn't have to face the scorn of the unemployed PhD behind the counter"

hahahaha

I know just what you mean!!

Six pints of bitter. And quickly please, the world's about to end.

Lisa,
I watched the webcast from the London premiere of Hitchhiker's, and one of the producers brought his young children who both appeared to be under 10. I think it's safe.

Pete - we will definitely be raising a pint in your honor.

Scott...three pints?!?!? At lunchtime?

Rainy saturday afternoon double feature: Dreamgirls and Valley of the Dolls

Sausage McGriddle

Ugly furniture in the background of amateur porn

Newsy Christmas letters from distant cousins

Dialogue from 70's porn: "Suck that c*** like the cheap bitch you are."

PB Teen catalog

cinnamon toothpaste

jello salads

Betty Hutton movies

Asian products with English language usage issues (e.g., "When car heave in sight, tootle the horn melodiously.")

Oh yeah, one more thing: I'm a total Def Leppard fan. I even own Adrenalize - the real-world equivalent of Smell the Glove.

Emily:

Muscle relaxant, you'll need it.

Emily, if you really want to impress people, you need to be the one with the fish in your ear.

While we're testifying: I love Gene Pitney's The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance. Listening to it now, in fact...

Speaking of knowing Witness... I got it from Netflix several months ago after you'd written something about it. A few months later I got a movie that was the same exact movie, only in Europe and with Gypsies instead of the Amish.

Don't diss the Dragonlance. Raistlin lives....

And the two trilogies would make a heck more interesting series of movies than Lord of the Rings...

Barry, I was going to defend the two original trilogies of Drangonlance, but I couldn't recall Raistlin sailing off into the Maelstrom without Caramon. It's been a while since I last read it (for the sixth time). Was that in Winter Night or was it in non-Weisman/Hickman (read crappy) Dragonlance?

Look at me embracing my geekness.

hahahahaha

I love it!

Carry on!

1. Can quote situationally-specific lines from "The Simpsons" in almost any situation

2. Love SpongeBob SquarePants; I know more about the show than is healthy for a 36-year-old childless woman.

3. I can point out all the biological impossibilities on SpongeBob SquarePants (Starting with the fact that sponges do not, in fact, have gender; they are hermaphrodites. Chew on that one Dr. Dobson).

4. I tend to point out the biological impossibilities in any entertainment I am viewing. People who watch with me have become inured to this habit.

5. I love cartoons, and I don't mean the "sophisticated" ones like Family Guy. I enjoy "Teen Titans" and "Totally Spies" and "Billy and Mandy"...and I enjoy them UNIRONICALLY.

6. Even though I mostly eat healthy, colon-friendly cereal, I also always have to have at least one box of something really sugary on hand.

7. I'm obsessive about groceries. If I'm running low on milk or eggs or spinach or something, I don't feel right until I've replenished.

8. I love some of those chain restaurants that people with good taste tell us we should hate: Olive Garden and Red Lobster, and even (gasp) Cracker Barrel. (That is the most embarrassing thing for me to admit to for some reason).

9. I actually kind of like some of the "problem" novels, particularly ones told in the first person and involving women in the hospital for things like eating disorders. I tend to keep them around and reread bits obsessively, even though I know that's not the healthiest behavior. (For the record, never had an eating disorder unless you include 'enjoying eating too damn much').

ugh. Now I feel like I need a bath.

ricki:

I believe you have hit the nail on the head - Real geek-cred comes when you enjoy these things UNIRONICALLY.

I have the theme from Miami Vice on my iPod. I bop my head in rhythm when it plays.

HAHAHAHAHAHA

"You know, the ones whose covers had the leggy elvish chicks with enormous... swords - the teenaged boy's equivalent of trashy romance novels."

Those kind of books do not compare to the "Gor" books by John Norman. I read these thing back in high school. High fantasy, death, destruction, intrigue, big breasted air-headed babes. Entirely chavunistic (I also recall a hint of bondage in there), but the hero kicked ass.

Thinking back on it they were lame and risque but I read everyone I could get my hands on.

I must be the ultimate geek then, because I can't think of a thing in my life that I enjoy sheerly on an an ironic level. Everything I truly love, I love deeply and completely and without that little crooked eyebrow that some people do when they're saying, "yeah, I like this, it's total camp, no?"

the geekier and the stranger the thing is, the more earnestly I love it.

ricki,

There is no shame in loving the Cracker Barrel. The Cracker Barrel is where God lives, because only God could produce such perfection as hashbrown casserole and fried apples -- plus a biscuit! -- for $1.99.

Good grief, this thread is bad for me. I haven't gotten any work done in the last two hours. All I can think about now is the geography & chronology of the Dragonlance novels (Unfortunately, the atlas is not one of the books I rescued during my last trip home).

We're killing Independent George!!

Sorry. Had to do it. Carry on.

On the music side of things, I owned John Denver cassettes and still own a Neil Diamond CD, but I draw the line at Barry Manilow!

If relationship George walks in through that door, he will kill Independent George

You know, there's actually a lot of wisdom in that episode.

George, this past Saturday I spent eight hours playing the Highlord army in the old DL11 Dragons of Glory wargame module. I got toasted. Stupid dwarves.

I have three different sets of state quarters collections, one I pay $14,95 a quarter for with the handsome, faux leather case and a state history album to go along.

I own Sea Monkeys. Well, they were bought for my elsdest daughter but I have nurtured them into a thriving, healthy colony. I aerate the water every few days and I watch them lovingly. My kids haven't looked at them in weeks.

I pluck the hair on my cheeks above my beard line...and it hurts.

Whenever I scratch anywhere forbidden on my body I just have to smell my fingers. It's not possible not to for me. (wow, that should not have been written...sorry)

David,
Ew.

David - you have sea monkeys? why don't I know this?

In regard to the gross behavior, it reminds me of the fabled words of that angry closeted pirate we all used to be berated by:

"I ain't above it. I ain't PROUD of it, mind you. But I ain't above it."

omg... my geekiness is so obvious..

-all things Bewitched(show not movie)
-all singers..i can usually name a singer in three notes..faves...*geek warning*...Dionne Warwick,Phoebe Snow, Blossom Dearie..oy..its endless
-im nigh onto a stalker when it comes to Joni Mitchell..now she's pretty cool in general..but the level of my geekiness is alarming even to me.
-movies involving teen romance..if they star Mandy Moore or a young cute boy from a WB tv series..all the better.
-Judging Amy..every day for 2 hours on TNT with a third on its actaul night!
-circus peanuts..those orange banana flavored "candies" shaped like oversized peanuts with flat bottoms. I consume entire bags in a breath
-Rhode Island..i cant get get over having grown up there..will bore anyone with RI trivia.
-Judy. Judy. Judy. go ahead..ask me a question about her life or career.
-my religion...its contoversial i know...i call it the Tao of Barbra..i can find a metaphor, life lesson, or edifying anecdote for any occasion that involves the spiritual path of Our Lawd Barbra Stresiand.
...wow..no wonder im single.

David..im a scratch and sniff guy too!! Did we know this??

Can I confess my husband's geekdom? He STILL owns all the Dragonlance books, and occasionally will re-read them. He also enjoys-not just listens to, but ENJOYS- Bay City Rollers. And Hall and Oates. But I love him. So, now, who is the bigger geek???

Mitchell, if you say "scratch and sniff" ever again, in that context, I am going to have to kill you.

Mitchell - so what do you think of Buddy? Does his conviction make you more or less likely to vote for him if he ran for mayor again?

One of these days, I'm going to have to share the story of how my friends and I once encountered Buddy with what we assumed to be a lady of ill-repute.

Hahahha...sorry..but its true...David...Chrisanne wants to know ehre to get Sea Monkeys...im afraid you've started something! Alos..Hall & Oates rock! I own and listen to almost constantly Donna Summer's Bad Girl's cd...not just the hits but the whole thing.

George - pretty much every Rhode Islander (myself included) have had strange Buddy sightings - and he is usually with general people of ill-repute.

His name is BUDDY, mkay?

I know he's corrupt and awful, and his rug is terrible - but it's still kind of hilarious. That THAT is our mayor.

But please George: feel free to share the wealth. There are a lot of Rhode Islanders commenting here right now, actually!

"edifying anecdote" - oh Mitchell, you crack me up.

Independent George...we can't help it... we love Buddy..with his bad rug and too much makeup. He made Providence into a beautiful city again..who cares if he skimmed a little( a lot ) off the top!!?? Well..the feds care..but..he'll be back. Buddy dated for some time.. a Linda Evans (circa Dynasty) looking woman who may have been mistaken for a working girl. We were at a wedding together.

"We're the biggest little state in the Union
Rhode IsLAND, Rhode IsLAND
Weeeeeee're the..... biggest little state in the Union
Rhode IsLAND, Rhode IsLAND"

Sheil...btw..yes... Constantine is alittle too much abou the camera..also dont feel too bad for the pudgy guy..he has a record of domestic violence..Seacrest out!

I found that out today, mitchell - I told you I'm waaayyyy out of touch. Yup. I won't feel bad for that mofo anymore.

"...you, you come from Rhode Island,
Little old Rhode Island...
Providence, Newport, Narragnsett..
Rhode Island's famous fooooor you!"

George..how do you knpw Buddy? are u from RI?

How 'bout this one?

"Lobsters brewin'
People doin' what comes naturally
Newport ... you and me!"

(Member Tonio always used to make me scat-sing that? In public?)

Mitchell - did you see the massive piece in the New Yorker about Buddy? Written by Philip Gourevitch (whom I LOVE. I wish he was my husband.). He wrote a huge piece about what Providence used to be, and how Buddy turned it around ... but also the seedier side of Buddy's personality ... and RI politics in general.

And - if I'm not mistaken - I believe there's a book out now about Buddy.

Rhode Island's hit the big time! Not since Claus von Bulow have people paid attention to our charmingly corrupt state government.

yes! I loved it! I kept it for many years. Deniro is supposedly preparing to play Buddy in a film adaptation..Hooray!!!! Sheila..bad jazz is still one of my favorite games...i'll take any tune and destroy it in a bad Sarah Vaughan like manner. Sarah's not bad..but my imitation is dreadfully bad(meaning good).

It's a moderately long story, and I'm trying (unsuccessfully) to finish my work before 5, so the story will have to wait until tonight. It was the summer of 1998, and the woman had dark hair/complexion - don't know if that helps in identifying her.

If memory serves me right, the only count of the indictment he was actually convicted of was abetting an environment of corruption. I don't think they ever managed to pin anything substantial on him (besides the assault conviction from way back when).

And no, I'm not from RI - I'm another annoying tourist from New York (summer high school program at Brown). During those six weeks, I remember there was a bizarre story (whose details I unfortunately cannot recall) involving Buddy and a kidnapped dog. Since then, I've kept an eye out for any Buddy-related stories surfacing in the media.

omg..i forgot about the dog story! There is also a funny story about Buddy being backstage at a performance of Hello Dolly..where he called the dancers "fags" and Carol Channing ripped him a new you-know-what..hilarious! I recently read that he's going to get out of jail sooner than originally thought...chapter 3???

Jeez.. what I was going to say seems REALLY lame now..

ANYway.. any movie or TV show that has even a hint of sci-fi in it.. even if, in the TV experience, it's only mentioned once now and again.. I'll watch.. ermm.. Quantum Leap?..

I'm a sucker for it no matter how often it turns out to be a set-up device for a completely different storyline.. I just keep hoping that there will be an interesting plot.

A movie example.. Hawk the Slayer? if it's on.. I'll watch it.

Mötley Crüe: Behind the Music.

BTW Emily, I'll be raisng a large glass [a muscle relaxant of a different vintage] to the gathering on Friday in a return toast.

Oh no.. Conan the Barbarian is on!!

I'm probably too excited about "Hitchhiker's Guide" coming out. The whole summer of movies every year. This year, it's "Hitchhiker's," "Star Wars," "Batman Begins," and "War of the Worlds." I forget all about Oscar movies every summer. And I see as many as I can at the local drive-in.

I also spent $130 on "Revenge of the Sith" toys at midnight when they were released at Wal-mart. I'm 36 years old. I have no kids.

popskull

I'm actually a bit pissed at Spielberg for re-doing War of the Worlds.. there was nothing wrong with the existing movie version.

peteb

I'm not really looking at this version as having anything to do with the awesome old flick. I just love "WotW" in any incarnation basically. I love the Richard Burton record from the 70's, I watched the TV series like 15 years ago, and with the exception of wanting to kill Randy Quaid's character, I even dug "Independence Day." So I'm just looking at it from that angle. Alan Moore's "League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" comics even took on "WotW" in an awesome way.

OH, who to comment back to first:
Um, here goes: Mitchell, You and Tom are meant to be soul mates. He wore a "Hall and Oates" sweatshirt with the (pre)ripped off sleeves so it was kinda like a muscle sweatshirt. It was white, with red fake spray painted on words "Hall and Oates/ BIG BAM BOOM" which was the name of a tour or something. Did I mention it was 1990? Poor, poor Tom.
RE: Buddy. I believe the name of the book is "The Prince of Providence". Who's your buddy???
Finally, (with a calypso beat and a bad Cranston/Cvanston accent) "Sail away on thee Block I-Island Ferry..."

popskull

No, I know.. It won't be anything like the 1953 version.. but it is an attempt to replace it.

Independence Day is just a goddamn fun movie.. says this non-American.. and I've got The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen on DVD.. *ahem*

ricki wrote
Can quote situationally-specific lines from "The Simpsons" in almost any situation

As Lileks says, there's a Simpsons quote for every occasion.

I'd love to join in on this because I'm nothing if not lame. However, I blew my wad in the "how are we geeky" discussion last year. The best I can come with is that I have William Shatner's latest record on my iPod because I truly enjoy it.

That's right, I said "record". I see your "album" and raise it. And it's perfectly valid to call it that. What's "record" short for? Recording. Nyah.

The lame;

I crack up every time I hear Roscoe P. Coltrane (sp) when I come across re-runs of Dukes of Hazzard. His "cyuk, cyuk, cyuk" gets me every time.

I sometimes listen to the Carpenters. In fact, I think about how nice it will be to dance to that song with my new bride at the reception, should I ever find anybody who will put up with me.

I can hum, whistle or otherwise make noises to virtually all of the songs from the Little Rascals and Laurel and Hardy shorts. By the way, if anyone is looking to buy this music, I suggest the CD of Little Rascals music by the Beau Hunks, a band from the Netherlands. Their playing is very true to the original music, just without the static in the background. Yeah, if you pull up next to a mean looking guy driving a grey Nissan Titan truck in Indianapolis and hear either Little Rascals music or the Carpenters emanating from the cab, it's me.

Whenever I get together with friends from high school or college, we become very animated reliving high school basketball games we attended. I mean it's things like arguments about specific plays during some city tournament game at Broad Ripple, or a regional or semi-state at Hinkle Fieldhouse. "Dude, remember that time that Patrick Jelks took off from just inside the foul line and dunked. He took off of two feet. He was 6'3" tops. I LOVE THAT GUY." Or, "Remember the night game at Hinkle when Jeff George was dropping in baseline jumpers like Bernard King. I wish someone would have punched him in the face to get him to stop. I HATE THAT GUY." This goes on for hours and my other friends look at us and say, "What the F*** is the matter with you guys?"

I will sometimes watch C-SPAN or Book TV on C-SPAN2 instead of basketball or football or anything else. I will even be late to meeting my friends out. When I tell them that I wanted to finish watching a moderated discussion with Justice Scalia and Justice Breyer, everyone just kinda looks down, takes a drink of their beer, and pretends they didn't hear what I just said.

I feel perfectly comfortable going to a movie or eating at a nice restaurant by myself. Sometimes I go in scrubs after work. When people look at me, I just think "F*** off, I didn't know I had to pretend I'm in a fashion show just to eat a good meal after working 14 hrs". Yeah, back to that thing about finding someone to put up with me!

Jay...i love the specifics of your post! I just spent 3 months doing a play in Indinapolis..i love your town...had a great time...and if you happened upon a silver Ford escort blasting Helen Reddy proudly..that was me! I also love The Carpenters..that just shows good taste!

"everyone just kinda looks down, takes a drink of their beer, and pretends they didn't hear what I just said."

Jay, I'm not sure you even REALIZE how funny you are. hahahaha

Awesome comment.

Oh and Jay - I always wonder about people who can't go to movies by themselves. I know some of those people. I go to movies by myself ALL. THE. TIME. It's one of my favorite things to do - like taking a walk by myself, or any other solitary activity.

Back in the day, I used to want to move to RI because y'all have an UNMARRIED Kennedy boy running around just ASKING to be snagged. (Or shagged, whatever the case may be.) But still -- he's a KENNEDY and he's NOT MARRIED, and just runnin' around RI for anyone to pick up. Why shouldn't it have been me?

I make visitors watch Extreme Make Over Home Edition when they come to my house and I pass the kleenex around freely.

Ok, here's the Buddy story I promised (hey Red - what do you think of the possibility of an open Buddy thread in the near future?):

It was the summer of 1998 - my third year of college. A bunch of my friends and I flew into RI for the weekend to attend the Newport Folk Festival (speaking of lameness...), staying at our friend JB's house in Portsmouth. (Astoundingly, all of us were straight except for JB. We spent the entire festival gawking at half-dressed lesbian chicks while JB was quietly disgusted with us, but that's an entirely different story).

Anyway, back to Buddy. On our first night in Portsmouth, we went out drinking, and closed the place down at 2 AM. With no more booze available to us, we suddenly realized we were hungry, and stopped off at an all-night pizza place for a snack (Aquidnick Pizza? Help me out here, RIers).

At this point, we'd been out carousing for about 6 hours straight, and were all a bit more expressive than the median (besides JB and his cousin, who were driving). At the table were four midwesterners, one Texan, RI natives JB & his cousin, and myself (a NYer who spent enough time in Providence to pick a beginner's education in Buddy Lore).

JB returns from the restroom, and makes a gesture when he returns to his seat. "See that guy behind me, two tables over? That's Buddy Cianci, the mayor of Providence," he whispered.

Two tables back sat this old, ugly guy with either a really bad haircut or an even worse rug. Seated across from him was the most stunning woman I've ever seen in my life. She was about 25 or so, with smooth olive skin, perfectly-ut raven hair that framed her face perfectly without overshadowing it, long legs straight out of a 40's noir movie, wrapped (and I mean wrapped) in a low-cut black dress that probably cost more than my tuition. My jaw dropped. We stared. The room quieted to a hush - we were mere mortals blessed to bear witness to her beauty.

But, of course, we had been drinking all night, and were just a bit more expressive than the median. From the other end of the table, the silence was broken by a drunken whisper which was not quite at eardrum-splitting levels, but not that far off, either.

"THAT'S A HOOOOKERRRRRRRRR!!!!!!" declared my friend JK proclaimed, with as much subtlety as he could muster.

Buddy looked up, turned, and stared directly into my eyes.

I blanched.

I trembled.

I was frozen.

Buddy decided he'd rather look at his date, and continued his conversation.

Slowly looking around the room, I noticed that every patron in the restaurant were still staring at our table. I soon realized that our table was partitioned almost in half between those of us who had never been to RI, and those of us who knew the full weight of our precarious situation. JB got up to pay the bill, his cousin started ushering us out the door, and studiously avoided eye contact with Buddy as we fled.

It's funny now, but to the end of my life, I'll never forget the sound of JK's voice echoing across the room.

"THAT'S A HOOOOKERRRRRRRRR!!!!!!"

damn, i really need an editor.

I didn't realize that sea monkeys were geeky. I've raised literally tens of thousands of the wee beasties. Of course that was so I could feed them to my fish.

I'm one of those folks who prefers not to go see a movie alone, or go to the theater for that matter. The only film I've ever gone to see alone was Eyes Wide Shut because no one I knew wanted to see it. All I really recall about it is hating Tom Cruise and the three teenage girls snickering in the row behind me.

IG....great story!!!! Buddy and the Hooker. isnt that Madonna's new Kabballah based children's book?