Diary Friday

I am about to embarrass not only myself but all of my friends from high school who read this blog.

Every junior class in our high school had to put on a production, a variety show if you will, called “SK Pades”. (My town’s initials were “SK”). SK Pades is a tradition. It is a HUGE deal. There are faculty advisors for the show, of course – but other than that: it is completely student-run. Students come up with the theme, the skits, the order, who does what … Usually, a lot of the skits have to do with impersonating different teachers, and – most importantly – impersonating members of the senior class. It’s a good-natured (hopefully) night of making fun of EVERYONE. It is a wonderful experience for a bunch of 16 year old self-involved kids, actually. You learn leadership, organization, compromise … also how to get OVER yourself … Because everyone in the class is involved in it – there are no clicques – the most unpopular kid in the class is also involved. The crazy pecking order diminishes a little bit. So what ended up happening (at least with our year) is that with all of our differences, and adolescent problems, and hatreds, and rivalries … we came together, we had meetings, we had rehearsals … and we bonded as a group. It was amazing. The geeky kids from the AV Club were suddenly TOTALLY important. The “band geeks” were also suddenly TOTALLY important. Hierarchies shifted, and everyone was appreciated. I may be romanticizing this … and there were probably those back then who felt left out. High school is rough, man. I had a terrific core group of friends who are still my friends, but I wasn’t in the “popular” crowd … and I had had an awful time in junior high school, when I was actively “unpopular”. So I had a complex about being disliked and judged. I was very sensitive about it, as this long-ass entry will reveal.

SK Pades is put on for two nights only. The entire school comes. The entire class’ families are in attendance. And everyone compares the current year’s SK Pades to the year before. It is inevitable.

The SK Pades of the junior class 2 years before ours remains legendary to this day. (I may be exaggerating, but I don’t think so.) Anyone who saw it could never forget it. It was like a professional Saturday Night Live evening. Brilliant. So we were very aware of the competition and everyone worked their asses off to do a good show.

Here is my ranting and raving about the SK Pades. There are many many many names listed here. “so and so said this, and then so and so said that …” Meanwhile: my unrequited invisible love affair with “David” continued. Full throttle. I was the only one who was aware of it (I mean, besides my friends), but that didn’t make it any less intense.

MARCH

Diary, this shall be a very very long entry. I’m in the mood now to write it all down to the minutest detail. [Lucky us.] SK Pades is over. But I realize right now: This, so far, has been the peak of my high school years. This is the best I have ever felt. I feel loved, like I belong – My class — Diary, I love them all for who they are. And they love me!

Okay. I’ll tell you all. I am on such an enormous high. My senior year is gonna be GREAT. Our class has really pulled together. Everyone is so nice, so wonderful. OH BROTHER, I LOVE EVERYONE!

All right.

After work on Friday, I went to the junior high. [SK Pades was held in the auditorium/cafeteria in the junior high since my high school DIDN’T EVEN HAVE A PROPER THEATRE. It does now, but it didn’t then.] I wasn’t psyched yet. It hadn’t hit me yet. During all the rehearsal though, I’ve felt it all coming together. It’s been great. Dress rehearsal took about 4 hours and was really disorganized, but on Friday, as everyone started getting ready, I felt myself start to tingle. Not wiht nervousness but with anticipation. I knew that for Saturday night I would be a wreck! [Saturday night was, per tradition, when the entire senior class came to see, to compare, to judge, and sometimes to heckle. Fights have broken out in years past between the class performing on stage and the class sitting in the audience. You know. Drama.] Buzzy, Rick, Dave, Jayne – I didn’t even want to talk about it. Nick and Eric, too!

Putting on makeup was fun. I never wear makeup anyway, so it was neat to overdo it. I had on so much and this bright purple lipstick, and slowly, it started to hit me. This is our SK Pades! Our class!! I remember being a freshman and gaping at Travis, Matt, Josh Lott … SK Pades was a foreign concept then. And now: it’s happening. It’s so unreal how everything rushes by so fast. All of us just kept looking at each other and saying, “Can you believe SK Pades is really here?”

It was hysterical putting makeup on the boys. Absolutely hysterical. At about 7:00, someone was trying to get Bill Moclair to sit down and get makeup on – he was saying, “No. I don’t want to put it on until the moment when I absolutely have to.” All the big football players checking out their properly-applied foundation in the mirror. It was so endearing. Also endearing was all those same guys not being afraid to be up on stage and look silly. I felt such a togetherness with everybody, you wouldn’t believe. I never thought our class could be so human.

As it grew closer to 8, everyone started getting really psyched. Tension was building and it was a full house. We all were in costume and running around. Ms. Force and Lori gave us all pep talks, which we ended with screams and hugs and then we all tore off to go backstage.

The show started. I could not believe it. The dress rehearsal was awful, and honest to God, our Friday night show was FLAWLESS! It went so smoothly and everyone was great – our class rose to the occasion. YIPPEE! It was so incredibly fun I can’t even describe it to you! We all were in a state of shock and JOY. It was great how everyone cooperated. Like, there was a skit onstage once, and the kids who were in the next skit (the Argyle skit) were practicing around the corner and they were too loud, so I came out into the hall and hissed to Keith who was down the hall, “Keith … tell them to be quiet …” And he nodded and whispered, “Hey you guys … keep it down …” The communication. Everyone was helping out, changing sets, saying “Good luck” to each other.

My song was the all-time high for me, personally. [I sang the Tom Lehrer song “So Long, Mom”. I dressed in head to toe fatigues, and carried an American flag.] It went really excellent. They laughed in all the right parts, and were really enthusiastic. I had a lot of fun. It’s hard being up onstage alone knowing that backstage everyone else is just sitting around, listening to you. But after, when I came dancing off, brandishing my flag, everyone (not just my friends) were saying, “Good job … good job …” I BELONG. [See what I mean? I had a bit of a complex.]

Andy really cares. [Andy who? Oh you know. The spitball Valentine boy.] He’s the perfect class president. He cares about people, and their feelings. In the skit with all the football players, he plays Mr. James (the coach) – and he was perfect. But he had one line that really cut down on Tommy J. (played by Bill Moclair), and he didn’t say the line. When they came off stage, Bill asked him, “Why didn’t you say it?” And Andy said, “Cause his parents are in the audience. I don’t want to do that to him.” My heart just ached. He has always been that kind of guy. I have known him, honestly, forever. From 6th to 8th grade, I was madly and passionately in love with him. I’m not anymore but there is a very special friendship there that I love. We have been friends since kindergarten. So weird. He is special. So is Keith M.

Then we ALL crowded on stage for the finale, call clutching streamers, and we sang our song. [Part of the tradition is that every SK Pades ends with the entire class on stage, singing a song that everyone has agreed upon will be “the song” of the class. Ours was the theme song from “Cheers”. “Where everybody knows your name…” I remember there was a big controversy – and the administration didn’t want to let us have that song, because it referred to a bar … but somehow, we over-ruled them.] Everyone had their arms around each other. It almost brought tears to my eyes (of course!) We ended with throwing up mounds of confetti and releasing balloons and screaming.

Right before we went on for the finale I was talking to David Grey – another terrific kid – and I was saying, “I can’t believe we pulled this off so perfectly!” And he said, “Yeah, I know. I was really worried last night.” Before the show, while Ms. Force was talking, he was standing next to me, bouncing up and down. I asked him if he was nervous, and he nodded vigorously in time with his bouncing. A lot of boys were trying to act cool and over-it, and couldn’t just admit to being nervous. Also, it was just so funny – seeing him with makeup on his face.

I went home sailing. Success. I loved everybody and myself and SK Pades and my friends. We really feel like a class now. Crissy Judge said beforehand, “Even if this isn’t the best show in the world, if it unites the class it’ll be worth it.” [If I recall correctly, she won “Most School Spirit” the next year. Easy to see why.] It has made us a class, and is it worth it! I have made so many friends with people I used to consider snobs and grubs. [Uhm … “grubs”, Sheila? Do you include youself in the “snobby” category, because I really think you should.]

Then the next night. I was more nervous. I mean, I felt sick to my stomach. Kate kept saying, “I don’t want to discuss who’s going to be in the audience.” Okay — DAVIDE [the dude I loved, a senior], Nick, Eric, Buzzy [honest to God, Buzzy? Who the hell is Buzzy? Beth – do you remember?] Rick, Matt, Trav, and JAN GRANT!! (my director for 6 years) [Jan Grant deserves her own post.] I had to be fabulous for her! When Betsy told me Jan was coming, I almost fainted. Including the entire critical senior class out there that always jumps on the chance to put us down. I was really worried about that. But most of all, I felt very faint just knowing that Dave’s eyes would be on me. When there was applause, his hands would be part of it. When I said that, Kate cried, “Oh, Sheila, I never thought of that! What a terrible thing to think!” [I would think it would be even more terrible if they DIDN’T clap … but this is just with decades of perspective.] I got ready in a daze. David was going to be watching me. You can’t imagine what it felt like waiting for that. I was nervous, but in a weird way. I mean, don’t get the wrong idea – but I knew he’d think I was okay – but I felt positively jittery about it. The waiting was the worst. I mean, by 7:30, I knew he was out there. Ohmygod. I put on makeup with my heart pounding. There were all these rumors going around that the seniors were planning to run up on the stage and ruin it, but Mr. Klaiman talked to them (lectured) and if they tried anything like that, their Prom would be taken away. I can’t imagine Dave running up there on the stage to ruin our show. God, the whole class was already bracing themselves for cracks during the show. The seniors can be obnoxious jerks (some of them).

We had another pep talk, where they told us not to relax or get cocky – and to stay above the seniors – even if they heckled. If they make fun of us, ignore them. Keep going. We all screamed again, and that felt GOOD. My heart was fluttering. We were all screaming, “Good luck” at each other. I bounded down the hall wishing I could scream some more to release some energy. I was talking to Anne as we went down the hall, and suddenly she nudged me, “Sheila – look –“ I turned around and there HE WAS going into the bathroom. All the guys were hailing him: “DaVID, DaVID …” He was smiling as he went into the bathroom. He didn’t look malicious at all. [Huh?? This made me laugh out loud. I guess we really did take the threat of senior-sabotage seriously – and so I was surprised that David wasn’t skulking around backstage, cackling like Iago … too funny. “He didn’t look malicious…”] He looked like Dave, the GUY I LOVE! [Who else would he look like?] I couldn’t talk to him though because he disappeared into the bathroom. Feeling so excited I almost couldn’t contain myself – feeling my heart suspended on a string – I leaped backstage FULL OF LOVE FOR DAVID. [Good grief.]

I got so excited I had to move around, so I went out to get a drink from the bubbler. I suppose i did it also on the slim chance that we might cross paths. (In all honesty, Diary, that was the only reason I went out to get a drink from the bubbler.) [HAHAHAHA] So just as I came out of the backstage door, he came out of the bathroom door. We saw each other and he smiled at me so kindly, so fondly. I stopped, smiled back. That smile — it was the reallest smile I’ve ever seen on his face. He looked really and honestly thrilled and happy to see me. [One quick word, from the retrospect of many years: Although I was way off base in having this imaginary love affair with him, and I was headed for MAJOR disappointment because of that … he really was a nice person. I wasn’t THAT off base. He was a good guy.] He came over to me and said really sincerely, “Good luck tonight, Sheila. I really mean it. I am looking forward to it.” And Diary, he wasn’t like, “Hey, good luck, break a leg!”, being all excited – No. He was very serious. I mean, he was smiling, but he really meant it. I smiled, said, “Thanks” really soft voice – and he headed off, smiling over his shoulder at me. HE’S SO TALL. [hahahaha Random outburst.] I just stood there watching him go off. Then I launched into a mad ballet routine, by myself in the hallway. [HAHAHAHA]

Kate came backstage, and I hissed to her, “HE SPOKE TO ME.” She hissed back, “WHAT?” But then the show started.

The first number was a bunch of us dancing around on the stage [I believe we danced to “All Night Long” by Lionel Richie…], I felt so good. But also weird. Knowing that he was out there, his eyes were on me. But I really got into it, wanting to do my best.

Then during our Bloom County skit, things started happening. I had to rattle off all of Binkley’s fears and frustrations — a long list of words beginning with “F” — factoring, faculty, fallout, females, fire, fig newtons, fillet-o-fish, fist fights, fission reactions, flab, flame throwers, flow charts, flouride treatments, flying buttresses, French, fractions, fungus, fusion, and the future. Well, some dopey old person said something in the audience that I assume was adding one more F word to the list – and then this little group of people burst out roaring, purposefully laughing really exaggeratedly and loudly – to take attention away from us, to distract me … but I kept going, even louder – I didn’t even smile, or get flustered.

There was one group of senior girls who were so mean. Cunts. The senior boys weren’t mean at all – they were really supportive. All the senior football players – who we made fun of in skit after skit after skit – they just LOVED it. They were howling and high-fiving each other. They can take it. It was all good-natured jabbing, they all do it anyway. But the girls. So immature. Bitches. They’re just jealous because they can’t get up onstage and do anything worthwhile. They never do anything without their friends. They dress alike. They snicker as I walk by in the cafeteria. I wish them DEAD. They’re afraid. While Soccore was singing Flashdance (sorry, but she is better than irene Cara – when I first heard her sing, the goosebumps rose on my arm. It’s a beautiful voice.) – Anyway, she messed up once, maybe her voice cracked – and that one group of girls all raised their arms up high and flipped Soccore off. I didn’t see it – neither did Soccore, thank God. Why did they want to ruin it for us? Because they’re cunts, that’s why. [Sorry everyone. Fierce language from a 16 year old. But it’s appropriate in this case. These girls were the “mean girls” of SK.] The joking between seniors and juniors is really the base of the show, but what they did was just plain old mean and stupid.

I was starting to be afraid about what they would do to me during my song. I was really afraid they would … do something. What if they laughed at me, in front of Dave … and JAN! (She sent us all a bouquet of flowers, by the way. I love that woman.) So I went out there in my army clothes, I picked up my mike … already I could hear some snickers from that group of cunts. I gritted my teeth, I ignored them, and I started my song. I know in my heart that more that 3/4 of the place loved me, and that’s who I sang to. Mr. and Mrs. W., Jayne, Jan, Buzzy, [I swear to God, if I say “Buzzy” one more time … WHO IS BUZZY AND WHY WAS HE/SHE SO IMPORTANT?] Trav, Davide … but that little group of girls – they were right in the front row, so that is all I remember. People came up to me afterwards telling me they liked it, but my lastingimpression was the sarcastic snickers from the Bitch Brigade. At one point, as I sang, I became convinced my fly was down so I tried to subtly check it. Difficult to do when you are holding a mike and an American flag. I don’t know what they were laughing at, but I did not have ANY fun up there. My spirit started to sag in the middle of it. I could feel it happen. They were getting to me. I was giving up. But then I remembered: I AM ON STAGE. I am ALONE. DAVE is watching. Also: I am GOOD. They can fuck off. So I kept going, and I sang like crazy. I shouldn’t have let that little group of losers get me down, because at the end I got a few whistles, and cheers – clapping – but I ran off stage, and I just felt humilitaed.

I was up there alone. Totally vulnerable – and exposed. I hated that feeling. I know it must seem like I am the biggest crybaby, but I came back stage and I did have tears in my eyes. It’s not fair. What were they laughing at??? Michele Laurent (thank God for her) came over to me and said, “Hon, what’s wrong?” I told her and she hugged me for the longest time. I really needed that right then. Andy ran by, stopped, ruffled my hair and said, “That was perfect, Sheila.” Lori – I have always despised her – but she came running up to me and said, “Those bitches don’t have the guts to do what you do. Forget about them.” Now I love Lori. People stuck up for me. We became one unit. A class. We stuck together.

I was leaning up against a locker, in between skits, and Keith came over to me, cupped my face in his hands, and said, “Whatsa mattah? You are so cute.” (That’s a line in the show: “You’re cute!”) It cheered me up. That group of girls in the front row were making fun of everything and everybody, so we all just bonded together against them. And for the first time, I really felt like a part of this class.

We pulled off the show, and it was terrific. They loved me, Betsy, Kate, and J. doing “We got the beat”. We dressed up like Go-Gos and danced up the stairs onto the stage singing, “See the people walkin’ down the street … Fall in line watchin’ all the feet – they don’t know where they want to go but they’re walkin’ in time …We got the beat, we got the beat YEAH” And right there, Mere peeked her head out in the middle of the curtain, and said, just like the lady in the commercial, “Where’s the beets??” And then, from behind our backs, we took out enormous beets, and kept singing, using the BEETS as our microphones. People howled.

You know, I’m sort of glad (not glad) that there were a few jerks in the audience because everyone just supported each other and we kept going. We did not let them break us down. Everyone just became so human. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I BELIEVE THIS: I’m with Anne Frank – I believe that humans, by nature, are good. They are.

After our crazy finale, and 5,000,000 sets of screams and opening and closing the curtain, we went out front. The first person I saw was Jayne. We were screaming and hugging – then Dolores and I did – and Mr. and Mrs. W came over beaming – Mrs. W. was practically crying. I was just standing there looking around when I felt someone tap my shoulder. I turned around and there was Jan Grant. I screeched and we threw our arms around each other. Oh, she was so proud! She’s beautiful! I love her! I am so very glad she came. She’s the one who started me off, put the performing bug in me. A while later, Trav came over to me, gave me a hug. He looks great. New haircut, all chopped up. “I did it myself.” “Oh really? I never would have guessed.” Then he said, “Hey, you really were good singing Flashdance.” He said that to everyone. Kate came over, he said it to her. Beth came over, he said it to her, Mrs. W came over, he said it to her.

Suddenly, I turned and saw through the crowd Mere – and tears were streaming down her cheeks. In the 5 years I’ve known her, I have never seen her cry like that. Those tears just shook me. I went over to her and just said, “Mere!” She was sobbing. She put her arms around me and clutched on to me, so I clutched her back – even though I didn’t know why. We hugged for about a minute. I’m not kidding. Tears started streaming down my face, too, hearing her crying into my shoulder. Finally, she told me: It was Jan. Jan came running up to Mere, beaming, bursting with pride and excitement – Mere said she had turned around, saw Jan, and practically keeled over. We haven’t seen Jan in millions of years, so it just HIT Mere in the gut, seeing her. Seeing how proud she was of us.

And – here is the high point of my night. I mean, of my LIFE. [What do you wanna bet it has to do with Dave?] Diary, I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS. This whole time I was very aware of big tall Dave milling around (could it be a coincidence that he was always somewhere near me?) [Hm, Sheila, that’s a tough question. Let me ponder it. Uhm, here’s the answer: YES. It is always a coincidence. Carry on.]

I saw Buzzy [oh for Christ’s sake, again with the Buzzy] and I ran over to hug him. I was still hoping that Dave might say Hi or something. WELL, I finally was alone – just standing there – and he was just wandering around, and he stopped, and our eyes met. [Cue music] Usually, when I meet eyes with someone, I smile or say, “Hello”, whatever – Anyways, he didn’t just pass by. He smiled and said, (I quote this word for word) “That was good when you sang.” Oh Diary, I want to cry. THEN – suddenly – he put his arms around me and hugged me. [I know I’m making fun of myself and everything, but this whole thing is kind of disturbing to read. Is it just me, or do I come off as completely fragile? I don’t know. I sound pretty break-able to me. Like: a hug is SUCH an earth-shattering event. Onward…]

The hug lasted about a second … (but the pause between this sentence and the last one lasted about 15 minutes) … but it was enough time for me to hug him back. It felt very quick and awkward. I couldn’t even speak. That is literally the most monumental of my entire life.

Then I walked off [monumental moment over, I suppose] saw Kate and J, and we all leaped at each other, hugging, and screaming. I told them about Dave hugging me. I’ve always said that telling them stuff is half the fun, and it is. Was. We all just were hugging, and jumping up and down.

I ran back to the dressing room – I can’t remember being in this good a mood ever.

After the audience left, our whole class settled down to eat the 20 pizzas we sent out for, and the 20 cases of soda we bought. As we ate, we all pulled up chairs to watch the video tape of our performance.

Mrs. Aaronson said in her pep talk, “You started rehearsals for SK Pades as juniors, and you are coming out of this a class.”

We watched the tape, and we just cheered for each other. Every single skit in the show received cheers, applaus – it was heaven, sitting around, passing around pizzas. When my song came on, and the spotlight picked me up, Crissy Judge sat up and cried, “Oh goody, this is great.” Everyone knew I had been mad at those bitches – so … I thank God for human beings. I thank Him for my old friends, surely, but also the new ones I’ve just made. I sat there, and we all watched the film of me singing- and everyone laughed at the funny parts – and at the end – they all clapped for me – for SO LONG. Everyone just started cheering. And Keith stood up, clapping and smiling at me – John Long was clapping, smiling at me, saying, “Really good, Sheila.” Michele Laurent was jumping up at down … for about 15 seconds, the whole class was about me. I can’t tell you how moved I was. I saw Kate’s smile across the room. I saw Andy grinning over at me, clapping … I will never ever forget what that felt like. Ever.

After, when we were all getting ready to go, I went over to Michele and said, “You’re a good kid.” We squeezed each other tight.

It feels so good to discover so many wonderful people in the world in just a WEEK.

I went home. It was 1:30 a.m. No one was up. I sat at the dining room table, put my head down in my arms, and thanked God for them all. All of them. I just listed the names of every single person in my class … and thanked God for them.

I’m still high! I’ve been writing all day, and I’m still psyched!!