If you see an "s" in an out-of-the-way place in your apartment - say, way up in the corner of the ceiling - and you think to yourself: "Okay. There's an 's'. It's small, but it's hard to get to. I'll kill it later." - just know in your heart that the "s" might not be there later. Just so you know. They do have a tendency to move, as awful a thought as that might be.
And so when the "s" disappears, just know that you are going to have a couple of bad moments, wondering where the hell it went to. And then you will forget about it. Because life goes on, despite disappearing "s"s.
But then the "s" will return, and it will no longer be in an out-of-the-way spot, safely far away from you, it will no longer be stationary and sleeping or whatever it is the "s"s do in their evil webs ... No. The "s" will now reappear, in its full glory, in the shower with you, while you are covered in suds, with soap in your eyes, and it will drop down, literally in front of your soapy eyes, in the process of building its web - AROUND YOUR NAKED BODY. And NOW the "s" will no longer be curled up and stationary, and therefore easy to manage. (Mentally, I mean). No. Now the "s" will be in full work-mode, busy busy busy ... And you will now be defenseless and soapy and you will be forced to leap from the shower and finish rinsing off your hair in the sink, because you are unable to deal with an "s" when you have no clothes on. Then ... hair rinsed, you will begin the process of killing the 's". But the problem is: when an "s" dangles from a thin thread, it is very difficult to tell WHERE IT WILL BE AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT IN TIME. The "s" will dangle, frighteningly, in mid-air ... It could do a Tarzan maneuver without warning and then be ALL THE FECK OVER YOU. You would then die instantly of fear. So you will get a broom. You will swat at it. It wil fall. It does not die. You will get a book. You throw the book at it like a pissed-off judge ... and the book misses! Not only is the "s" still alive, but now your Hitchhikers Guide title page is soaked. Where is my towel? The "s", knowing its moments are numbered now, will struggle down the side of the tub, and that is when you will squash him dead with a wadded-up chunk of paper towel large enough to squash a small rat. You then will flush the "s" down the toilet, victorious.
Lesson learned.
If you see an "s", even if it's in an out of the way spot, kill it immediately. Leave NOTHING to chance. Because if you don't? It will come back to get you GOOD when you are naked and defenseless.
This has been a public service announcement from a freaked-out redhead.
Posted by sheiladid something happen to you this morning? maybe involving an "s"??? i am laughing and cringing at the same time.
I'm not ready to talk about it yet.
Posted by: red at June 21, 2005 9:15 AMi could tell. I'm so sorry. i have had similar experiences in the shower. i'm glad you won, though.
Posted by: mere at June 21, 2005 9:16 AMHahaha. I'd still prefer that to the snake that dropped on my head from the garage door frame, but then snakes are my nemesis, not "s"s.
But I was whacking weeds a few days ago and came across an "s" that frightened even me. If I didn't know better I'd say it was a baby "t" - the leg span was a big as my palm, and the body was a good 1.5 - 2 inches. Black and hairy. I weed whacked it. Had to whack it twice - the first pass only cut off a few legs.
Posted by: John at June 21, 2005 9:33 AMeeeeeeewwwwwww!
Posted by: mere at June 21, 2005 9:35 AMJohn - ewwwwwwww!!
Killing an 's' like that is like killing a small animal.
I can't think about it.
Posted by: red at June 21, 2005 9:58 AMJohn - a snake dropping on one's head also sounds like a pretty unpleasant experience.
snakes...why'd it have to be snakes ...
Posted by: red at June 21, 2005 10:08 AMThe Guide never misses.
But 'leave nothing to chance' is right.. they always come back.
Posted by: peteb at June 21, 2005 10:19 AMSadly, pete, my Guide did miss. I threw it in a wild inaccurate soapy-eyed frenzy.
And they do always come back. Just to spite us!!
Posted by: red at June 21, 2005 10:20 AMAh.. the soapy-eyed frenzy throw.. always a risky manoeuvre..
And if they don't come back in the shower.. then when we're sleeping..
*shudder*
Posted by: peteb at June 21, 2005 10:30 AMSeveral random points:
a) Paperbacks make lousy projectiles. Stick with hardcovers.
2) "S" and snakes are fine - I have no problem with either. But miller moths? Jihad!
III) I think I'll make a million bucks by starting a "s" bootcamp to teach women how to get over their fear and go mano a mano with 'em.
Four) And roaches. Gaaaaaaa.
Posted by: mitch at June 21, 2005 10:40 AMIn re: III)
Bah! I'm sticking to The Guide.. which is what any 's' that appears here will do too.
Posted by: peteb at June 21, 2005 10:49 AMMitch:
Count me out of your "s" bootcamp, mkay? :)
I killed the "s" today, I went mano a mano, and ... well ... no. It was not pleasant and my heart was POUNDING but I did it.
I don't need to get over the fear.
I don't have many fears, and can deal with snakes and mice ... but "s"s? Nope. It's a phobia that appears to be in my DNA.
And yes, yes, yes, about the damn roaches. Now THOSE things are nasty.
Posted by: red at June 21, 2005 11:12 AMNo real 's' fears here (except when one, attracted by the water or warmth or whatever, shows up in the shower with me - yeah, I feel you on that one, red).
What makes me scream like a little girl and cower in corners though are roaches (or as we like to call them in the South, "waterbugs").
No insect that large can still be a product of Nature. I think they must be some kind of listening device (a literal "bug") planted here by the aliens, so they know just the right time to swoop in and take us over.
No insect that large should be permitted to fly or (shudder) walk across bedroom ceilings, raising the spectre of one falling on me while I sleep.
No animal should be able to lie on its back for 36 hours while I try to ignore its existence and then still be alive when I try to sweep it up to get rid of it.
Posted by: ricki at June 21, 2005 11:33 AMricki:
Waterbugs (or, as I call them: "wb"s) are the most horrible things God ever created.
I see one, and I literally feel a sense of malevolence and evil fill the room. Until it is dead, I will get no psychic rest.
But they are so hard to kill.
Forget it. Can't talk about it anymore. Will not sleep!!
Posted by: red at June 21, 2005 11:44 AMSheila, when it's on the web tell yourself he's weak, the fool has limited his movement options. He can only go up or down at this point. Easy target for a pair of shoes.
There's a small 's' in my office. My office mate and I have named it Fred.
Posted by: Scott Janssens at June 21, 2005 11:47 AMScott ... really? See my fear is always the wide back-and-forth motion ... like a swing or a trapeze.
Posted by: red at June 21, 2005 11:53 AMI'm actually a big fan of "a"s (the scientific name for "s"s). They eat all the other bugs that seem to think they have a right to trespass in my house. Still, I suppose there's something to be said for having a gecko in every room like we did in Hawai'i.
I feel the same way about miller moths as Mitch does; nasty, flappy things. I've found the big halogen torchiere lamps are very efficient at catching them, though a bit smelly. (Perhaps "catching" isn't quite the right word.) Unfortunately, my son seems to disagree about the relative value of moths in the grand scheme of things.
Sunday night, a miller moth made the mistake of landing next to my foot. I crushed it of course, as any right-thinking person would, but my son started crying. Earlier, a moth had landed on my son's chest. To keep him from freaking out, my wife told him that the moth was just being friendly. Now, "Daddy killed my friend!" I felt so bad about that (though not about the moth, of course).
Naked... soapy... redhead... "s"-fighter.
Great, now I need a shower.
-j
Doug: Oh no!!! You killed the friend! So cute, so sad.
Uhm ... I'm not sure I want to know the answer to this, but what is a miller moth? Are they huge? Are they furry?
Posted by: red at June 21, 2005 12:08 PM"Scott ... really? See my fear is always the wide back-and-forth motion ... like a swing or a trapeze."
If the spider is hanging then it requires a very coordinated shifting of body mass to move laterally. Think of sitting on a swing and how you would start to move without touching the ground. Sure it can be done, but not easily, not quickly, and I seriously doubt by an 's'.
Posted by: Scott Janssens at June 21, 2005 12:09 PMscott:
I also fear the free-fall. If I bat at an "s" while she hangs in mid-air, then ... who the hell knows where it will land.
Much safer to just squish it up against the wall if you have the chance.
shivers ...
Posted by: red at June 21, 2005 12:22 PMMiller moths aren't all that big, maybe 1 - 1-1/2" wingspan and fuzzy (like most moths). The problem with them is that some years they are everywhere. They go through a boom and bust population cycle, and during the boom years it's fairly common for there to be 20 or more circling near every porchlight.
Even if you're careful, some are bound to get in when you open the door, then they fly around in circles and bump into the lampshades. The tick, tick, tick of moths bumping into lampshades is infuriating, sort of like the whine of mosquitos in a tent when you are camping.
Oh, and the part I'm sure you don't want to know about, but that I'm constitutionally unable to pass by:
Sometime when you're a kid, running around or riding a bike at dusk, you are bound to get at least one miller moth in your mouth. Plaahh.
Where I grew up, there were periodic gypsy moth infestations ... so I certainly know of what you speak. Moths EVERYWHERE. You have to wade through them just to get to the front door.
Posted by: red at June 21, 2005 12:39 PMWhen I was little, there was a gypsy moth infestation at our place in the Catskills. My father hosed off the car and within minutes, it was COVERED once again. I found one crawling up my leg and I freaked out big time. I believe my scream is still echoing throughout upstate NY.
Sheila, given my recent battles with the WBs, you have my complete sympathy and support. You've got my number so consider it a hotline if you need me to talk you through your next encounter. Of course, I'm keeping my fingers crossed that there isn't another encounter... Good luck!
Posted by: curly mcdimple at June 21, 2005 1:31 PM"I believe my scream is still echoing throughout upstate NY."
hahahahaha
Posted by: red at June 21, 2005 1:33 PMYou're also missing another important dynamic: we all feel more fragile and endangered when we're naked. That was one smart "s" to attack when it did.
Posted by: Big Dan at June 21, 2005 1:37 PM"S"'s don't usually bother me THAT much, but still, if one was in the shower with me I'm sure I'd freak out, too.
"snakes...why'd it have to be snakes ..."
Hmmmm...yes, asps, very deadly. You go first. ;-)
Posted by: Dave J at June 21, 2005 1:44 PMMy dad's house seemed to draw millers when I was a kid. When I was like eight, I woke up to find one crawling OUT of my mouth. Yes, I freaked. From then to this day, if I hear that *&*(%^(* ticking sound at night, I'll wake up and hunt every last one of them down with shoes, rolled up newspapers, whatever it takes.
They're blessedly rare in Minnesota.
Oh, and Junebugs. I remember when I was in high school and college in NoDak, I'd be coming home from the nightshift at the radio station I worked at in the dead of July, and every streetlamp looked like a bug tornado - literally hundreds of thousands of skeeters, junebugs and moths swirling around in a fairly dense cyclone probably thirty feet across - one on every block, all the way up and down the street.
And there's nothing like the smell of a junebug when it flies into a halogen lamp; there's a little squealy "Pop" sound, then a sizzle, and then the whole room smells like frying/burning bacon for a few minutes.
I'm a winter person.
Posted by: mitch at June 21, 2005 1:47 PMOh, and your comment reminds me of, perhaps, my favorite moment from the movie Bug's Life - a movie I adore.
Two moths fly towards a bug-zapper.
One cries out to the other, in a guttural New York accent, "Harry! Don't look at the light!"
Harry keeps moving forward, saying in a brainwashed daze: "I can't help it it's so beautiful ...."
ZZZZZZZZZTT!!
Posted by: red at June 21, 2005 1:51 PMI suppose I shouldn't mention this, but when the s is not there later, when it finally does come back it just might be the size of a Buick.
A small Buick, anyway--like an '89 Skylark or a Reatta or something.
On the wb front, I went to Chicago last week to visit a client, a manufacturer of biological pest controls (also got to see my first game at Wrigley). One of the entomologists gave my colleague a Madagascar hissing cockroach to take home to his sons.
As you might expect, we christened it "Kafka." The entomologist put it in an ice cream cup to take home in my colleague's carry-on. Put the cup, plus another cup filled with guinea pig chow (that's what they feed the roaches in the lab), in the trunk of the rental car because the trunk will be cooler than the cabin on a sunny day.
So there we are, driving from Libertyville to Midway in our rented Impala. The third member of our group, sitting in the back, looks over...and there sits Kafka.
Recaptured without incident, and I did screechy "Foolish humans!" voiceovers for the rest of the trip.
Posted by: Ken Hall at June 21, 2005 2:17 PMRed, that's a benefit of being single. You don't have a spouse that will make you sit there and exist with the "s" or insist you make EVERY SINGLE EFFORT to relocate the "s" outside or do anything and everything BUT smash the little bastard into paste.
sigh.......
Posted by: Scotter at June 21, 2005 3:57 PMExist with the "s"???
Uhm, I don't THINK so. It's me or them, baby.
Posted by: red at June 21, 2005 4:00 PMEvery spring, like the swallows back to Capistrano: "Honey, there's something in here that needs to die." :-)
Posted by: Ken Hall at June 21, 2005 4:30 PMMy husband believes in the "catch and release" theory with s's. For me it's smash and flush.
Posted by: Laura at June 21, 2005 9:47 PMLaura - I'm with you, girl. I have to kill the thing three times in a row before I can rest easy.
Posted by: red at June 22, 2005 12:12 AM