The Sheila Variations

I like the way you write: Mkay.

I love saying "mkay". It's so rude.

Gawd, I adored Land of the Lost.

We even had a cult of Enochs in High School (well, we spelled it "Enox" because it looked cooler that way): we put up little pictures of him around the school and scribble little phrases like "Cogito ergo Enox" on test tube labels and stick them everywhere.

Yeah, we were weird.

This was a nice piece but wait until you've said "mkay" as many times as I have than we can talk. Also, off the subject, what a shame about the Yankees. I reallllly hated to see them lose.

Land of the Lost! Yes!

Emily has a link to a cool LotL site.

Cogito ergo enox ...

hahahahaha

Please tell me when I am doing #3. I have such, such, SUCH fear that I do that wayyyyyy too much! (catholic guilt, catholic guilt. Talk to me long enough and I will admit to personally hammering the nails into Jesus on the cross...)

pat - i know. i'm in mourning, mkay?

beth - your advice is NEVER unsolicited. at least i never experience it that way.

love you!!

Marshall, Will, and Holly
On a routine expedition
Met the greatest earthquake ever known.
High on the rapids
It struck their tiny raft.
And plunged them down a thousand feet below.

To the Land of the Lost. (ROAAAAAAARRRRR)
To the Land of the Lost.
To the Land of the Lost.

PHEW!!!!!!!!!!! I don't think most of my family would agree with your statement, but I like your opinion better than theirs most of the time anyhow, so HAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Don't you mean HAHAHAHA AHA HAHAHAHAHAH??

Actually, you do have an AHHA in there

Beth! I had the exact same fear when I read that - only more specific "Sheila's talking about ME!" and the whole guilt thing, too. I'm the scary stalker of this website offering unwanted advice from my blowhard perch of superiority....

Jayne - no no no no!!!! Not you!!

"blowhard perch of superiority"

hahahahahaha Yeah, that's the first phrase that comes to mind when i think about your role in my life.

"Man, ever since our old Trixie Belden days, she's just been sittin' up on her blowhard perch of superiority..."

what???

Sheila, I'm too paranoid to believe you, but thanks anyway. It's okay, I've accepted my annoying geekiness. I cringe when I comment to your site because invariably you've got a ton of other people all commenting at the same time and I read what they've written - witty and sharp most of the time - and then there's me, "dum de dum de dum...um...blather blather blather...dum de dum de dum."

Of course, that doesn't stop me from commenting.

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

I am also an annoying geek in many areas. It is hard to just accept it ... but once you, in the words of my friend Ann, "propel yourself into the blazing star", it gets easier.

If you ever stop commenting, I'm coming after you with a meat cleaver.

Man, I loved 3-2-1 Contact - and I think I was in my 20's when it was on! What a geek I am. But I'm a remedial kids TV guy. Currently, I love Blue's Clues, and was devastated when they replaced the host. I mean, how gentle and perfect was Steve? I kinda get teary when "It's time for so-long." At least I always get the answer right on Blue's Clues; not the case with Jeopardy.

3-2-1 contact was just amazing. I was particularly enthralled with the Bloodhound Gang.

"Whenever there's trouble
We're there on the double
We're the Bloodhound Gang ..."

I was not aware that they replaced Steve. He was perfect - not cheesy at all.

Sometimes a friend just needs to share her thoughts, feelings, experience ... she's not saying, "Please fix this. Please!!"

Uh ooooohhhhh...

Mitch - Is this news to you?

If you're saying "well sometimes people DO want you to fix all their problems" - that is not what I am addressing here. I am talking about something different. I'm talking about people who give you "advice" - when you didn't ask for it. Chez Miscarriage, my favorite old blog, no longer there, called it "assvice".

One must acquire the wisdom to learn the difference between "advice" or "assvice".

Also: if ANYone gives me advice in a tired "been there, done that" tone - I don't want it anyway. It's a way of cutting off somebody else's first response. It's a way of invalidating somebody else. It's a way of not letting someone experience the fullness of whatever it is they're going thru.

Go hang out on a fertility blog or a miscarriage message board - or any pregnancy parenting board in general and you'll see what i mean.

It's mostly "assvice".

Assvice - love it. I have a friend who thinks that every friggin story someone tells her is a secret plea for her to "fix" it by giving advice, loudly and insistently. I finally had to just not tell her anything. I tried to say things like, "I'm just sharing what happened, I'm not looking for you to solve it or give me your opinion." But that would generate her opinion about how much I needed her opinion. Once she said to me, "Nobody seems to take my advice!" Well, duh. I don't think she ever realized how pathetic she seemed, being this big spouting fountain of unwanted assvice.

Ah, yes. The obligatory sacrifice to the Sock God. He *is* an angry and greedy bastard, isn't he?

And on people just listening...one of my favorite lines from The Nanny Diaries was when Nanny was out of town with the insufferable family she worked for and wished that females had the equivalent of a prostitute for when they were away from home and needed company, except instead of a hooker, you'd get a girl to show up at your house with a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos, killer margarita mix and a copy of Heathers who promises to just listen to you bitch your head off.

God, Emily, that would be great, wouldn't it?

It's actually funner to just listen, too. Then you don't have to get all stressed out when you don't solve all their problems.

Zactly.

Stevie,

When Alex was three or four, we were "All Blues Clues, All The Time!" at Chez ThisLife. Alex ate, drank, and slept that show. We had all the dolls (even a Talking Steve that I had to drive to the outer edges of Central Arkansas to buy for his 3rd birthday) and almost all the videos.

One night, we were watching Homicide (or maybe it was L&O SVU) and the actor who played Steve was on there playing a MURDEROUS high school student. A Murderer! Steve! I was flabbergasted.

Right then I knew he was not long for Blue's House. I guess he wanted to be a "serious" actor.

So now they have Joe, who sucks.

OH my God - Steve playing a murderer?

That would be like Mr. Hooper playing a gang lord.

Yup. I'm pretty sure it was Homicide. (I'm seeing him in front of a yellow wall, and their interrogation room was yellow brick. God, I'm a geek.)

He played a nerdy kid who got revenge on his tormentors by killing them. As you do.

Lisa - HAHAHAHA! I know, it's horrible to think Steve actually has a career and wants to be something other than beloved by millions of three-year-olds (and one or two old farts)! I mean, you never saw Fred Rogers showing up as a self-asphyxiation victim on CSI:Oakhaven.

Nah, not news to me - just one of the first big lesson I ever learned about how different guys and girls are (between the ears, anyway). Fixing things is totally a guy thing; wanting people to just shut up and listen is something women (I'm generalizing) crave, and it drives men nuts ('til they learn better. As I did. I think).

I'm talking about people who give you "advice" - when you didn't ask for it. Chez Miscarriage, my favorite old blog, no longer there, called it "assvice".

Ha!

Gotta use that.

"In the same year he began with Blue's Clues, Steve Burns put in an appearance on the popular TV show Law and Order. In the episode 'Cruel and Unusual' (original air date 19 April 1995), he played Kevin Jeffries, an apparently drugged-out kid who died while in police custody."

Gotta love the internet.

More Steve scoop: his official webpage is www.steveswebpage.com and he mentions there that he has appeared on BOTH Homicide and Law & Order. :)

The sock monster only takes one of the pair.. any other disappearences are a mere figment of the imagination.. either that or a sock thief.. ewww!

Mitch - actually I was mostly referring to women. The "assvice" comment came from a blog that was pretty much ONLY women. An infertility blog. You would not believe the assvice that went on.

New parents in general - male and female - many of them think that THEY have INVENTED parenting ... and if you don't do things the way they did things ... that you are just DYING to hear their assvice.

I know it comes out of insecurity. It's still very annoying.

dammit.. "disappearances"

and I thought I had 'preview' sussed. sheesh.

oh god...im the blow-hard assvise giver!!!..i just know it...why are all ur best friends convinced we are the culprits?? hahaha....also I hate hate hate the "been there/done that"...um..no you haven't because you are not me!!!!

mitchell - hahahaha you are not!

As a matter of fact, I come to you specifically. "Tell me what to do."

On one memorable occasion you prefaced it with: "I am about to give you the worst possible advice ..."

Of course it turned out to be the BEST possible advice!

i love that conversation..it lead to such good experience/stories...how is Siobhan??? Did she finish the marathon okay?

She did great!!!!

awesome!!!

And Siobhan woulda done really good if she'd have slipstreamed behind that Kenyan guy up that hill...

...oh, never mind. I'll just listen.

Great meme. If I gain the initiative, I'll swipe it!

Today I feel like the most disaffected and annoying person in the world. Then I read your post. Somehow I feel a little bit better. Thank you.

Sheila, I never imagined the amount of assvice first time pregnant women get, not to mention horror stories. I know labor will suck, and I'll be wanting to kill my husband...but I don't need to hear about 30 hours of labor, back labor, "tearing", etc. If it happens to me, I'll deal. I also have a friend/mother of twin 4 yr olds, whom I truly do love, but she seems to take it upon herself to tell me various ways my life will suck after the baby's born. Thankfully I have numerous other friends who have a much more laid back and positive outlook on parenting, otherwise I'd be scared out of my wits (more than I already am).

Oh, Laura, honey, it doesn't get any better. When the baby gets here, it just gets worse. I had so many Mommy Drive-Bys I had to put a red light on my ass.

My mothering assvice? Don't tell anyone where the baby sleeps. Trust me.

I might just let the bitch in me take over and say something like we stuff the baby in the closet at night.

I'm still very much working on when to "just shut up and listen", but the kill-joy "been there, done that's" bring me as close to giving a beating as this pacifist ever gets.

BUT! I have finally figured out the sock thing!! See, the rapid spinning of the washing machine propels the socks into another dimension, where they transmogrify and come back as coathangers.

Never enough socks... always more hangers than you can possibly account for. See? Two mysteries solved with one theory.

Paul

"Michael Bolton is a no-talent assclown." :)

aaahhhhhhhh, Mitchell and Jayne... kindred spirits!! We should really get together and give unsolicited blowhard advice, especially to pregnant and parenting women or Steve from Blue's Clues. "And furthermore, your baby should ALWAYS be put to sleep on her back and be breastfed until she is 19 years old. As for Steve, you've been "at college" far too many years. Maybe you should change your major."

I studied the sock phenomena and came up with the following scientific and logical conclusion:

The sock is the most intelligent of all machine washable clothing. Obviously, the intelligence isn't uniform across the board; for example, sweat socks are not nearly as smart as a nice pair of black dress socks. Incidentally, clothes that require you to hand wash them, much the way a servant or slave would his master in ancient Rome, are smarter than socks, but still socks rank pretty high up there on the fabric intelligence scale. Of course the smartest in the whole bunch is the silk tie. Any garment that serves so little purpose (and is uncomfortable to boot), yet still "makes" you shell out over 100 dollars to buy is not just a genius, but an evil genius.

Okay, we got a little off track there... sorry.

Socks in the washing machine mingle freely (compared to how they are bound together in their prison, er, sock drawer, and also when they are on your feet), and can easily exchange ideas on how to escape... Cue The Great Escape Theme... Some plans involve going "over the fence", i.e. through the narrow space between the wash basin and the washing machine body. Other plans involve sneaking out with the "Russian peasants", i.e. work clothes, by hugging close to the inside of pant legs. When they get the chance (for example as your doing strenuous yard work or exercising), they make their break hoping you won't notice that sock left behind in the trail.

It's so obvious, now that y'all know the truth isn't it?

assvice watch:
My step son talking to his pregnant girlfriend, (and keep in mind, while I love them dearly this pair of 19-year-olds need to be congratulated when they get their shoes tied correctly) - he actually said to her over the phone:
"You're acting like you're the only woman that's ever been pregnant!"
Keeping silent I thought, he's gonna need a lot of time to recover from that one!

Lisa - I love that term too: "Mommy Drive-Bys". I'm not even a mother and I know what they are!!

mitch - actually, siobhan did great all on her own. she has been training for months. so she didn't need no Kenyan. she did awesome.

JFH - brilliant! You are so spot on that sweat socks are not as smart as other kinds ... why is that??? why is this a universal???

Great list and I'm with you on the socks and Lenny Kravitz! I loved how you elaborated too!

siobhan did great all on her own. her time was 6:12:13.

Cool!

I could do that. On a bike.

Grats, Siobhan!

Now, if you'd only taken my assvice...

Are you trying to embody all the qualities that annoy me right now?

"Hey, I just ran a marathon in 6 hours!"

"Oh yeah? I could do that." Long pause. "On a bike."

"Uhm ... could you just let me have MY moment of glory? Why do I care if you could do it on a bike? This is MY moment."

I'm just joshin' ya, Mitch. :)

Great job, Siobhan. You've inspired me to get off the couch and start ... crap, I'm already tired.

My dad -- one of his huge pet peeves -- has always, as long as I can remember, safety-pinned his socks together. Cuts down on their lifespan, but he never lost a sock.

cullen - I am an idiot. I cannot believe I never thought of that!

Don't feel bad. I grew up with it and I have never done it.

Jayne and Beth..we should our own talk show!! If Gayle(Oprah's b.f.f.) is qualified then so are Sheils's best friends...being single, childless and gay, i think i should handle all the child rearing advice!!

A mesh "sock bag" works too, I mean if you really want to get serious about the issue. (You don't need to put the sweat socks in there, they're not smart enough to escape, always trying to "tunnel" out even though the wash basin is made out of stainless steel!)

I keep all my abandoned socks in my laundry basket, just in case their mates come back. Right now I have about four -- they've formed quite a group, especially now that an Army-issued sock has joined them.

He's a wild man.

wow...more typos than actual meaning!!! sorry!

mitchell - I love your typing. You know why? Because it is sheer unadulterated emotion.

ack!! don't post my time!! please!
just say: "she finished."

everyone erase my time from their memories!
i ran slow.

argh! erasure!

yeah, was planning on telling no one my time!

Mitchell -

From what my boys tell me, the gays are the BEST babysitters EV.ER.

My BF and his partner used to babysit for us, and let me tell you, it was non-stop movies and fun until the wee hours. Sleep? We don't need no stinkin' sleep! There are Cokes to drink and homemade brownies to eat! And Pringles! My GOD, the Pringles!! They must be ingested in mass quantities! When I protested, I was dismissed. Didn't I know they were the FUN uncles?!

So you'll forgive me if I reject your parenting advice. :)

Mitchell! Great idea - you, Beth and me with our own talk show, dispensing assvice to everyone who doesn't want it! I'm thinking hidden cameras and approaching people on the streets...like overwhelmed mothers and anyone else on the edge... I need to do something new and different with my life anyway - this would be perfect!

i know i'm the only one who cares...but we all had to walk the first mile verrrrrry slowly since there was a backlog of 44,000 people. so i iddn't finish the first mile for 35 minutes. so my total time was around 5:45. again i am the only one who cares, but just wanted to clarify.

Dearest: your mother would say when asked specifically about her running: "I will tell you how long I ran, or I'll tell you how far--but not both." Siobhan ran a gd marathon!! Wow. love, dad

dad - hahaha Mum. That's so true!!

Go, Siobhan-y!

Siobhan- you should be VERY proud of yourself!!!! Was it true, that the .2 mile at the end feels like 200 miles? Every time I say a marathon is 26 miles, my sister Meredith says, "NO!! 26 POINT TWO miles!!!!!!!! POINT TWO!!" Mitchell and Jayne- I nominate Siobhan to be our first guest. Waddya think? PS Mitchell- I believe I will be consulting you about parenting a teenage girl shortly. According to her rolling eyes, I know very little. And, if you ask me, your Circus Smirkus experience is better than any biological advice anyone else could ever give. You get the real truth from those kids. Don't ever forget that!!!

Beth--the .2 was AWFUL. i really thought at that point, "I CAN"T DO THIS." that finish line looked SO FAR away and it felt like i wasn't even moving towards it at all. what makes it worse, there was this band that was playing at the 25.5 mark and for some unknown reason were playing a song where the chorus went like this "it's not over, it's not over". i was too tired and weepy to yell at them but i felt like being, "SHUT UP!! it IS almost over...isn't it??? ISN't IT??" after i ifinished i got both of my legs from thigh to ankle fully wrapped in ice. and then i literally laid down on pavement. i was that tired and hurt!! good times. but i finished.

Wow- I am so impressed! Of course, I have my marathon injury so I can't do them anymore. (Wink, wink) Actually, I met Meredith at mile 13 when she ran her first marathon and I ran with her for that mile, cause it was completely uphill. So, on the way back down(I was going back to meet my Mom so we could drive over to the finish line) I pulled a muscle in my thigh. Hence, my marathon injury. Mile 13 was a bitch, man.

wow... VERY cathartic indeed!

i'm a dork and didn't link my URL properly... oops.

great blog, by the way!

:-D