Diary Friday

More from my junior year of high school – the year I will always remember as ‘the year of the unrequited crush on David’. Oh man. The crush. It sounds so benign – “I have a crush on someone!” … but … it’s called a CRUSH for a reason. Ouch!!! In this one, I sound like I am having a full-blown manic episode. I was laughing out loud re-reading parts of it – especially how being kicked out of study hall for being too noisy is labeled, by me, as “tragedy stuck”. Oh, for a time when my entire social life revolved around study hall! I had forgotten a lot of this, but it all came rushing back when I read it this morning.

FEBRUARY

This has been one of those topsy-turvy days. As I went to French, I actually felt my heart pounding and throbbing away. Dave was walking aways behind him. I couldn’t even seem to think — or plan — My mind was not functioning! I was the first one in French. Naturally David was next. He came in, walked past me and said, “Bon Jour!” My heart pounded. HE SPOKE TO ME FIRST! [Sheila, unless I’m not mistaken, you just said that you were the only other one in the room … so … you know …. the fact that “he spoke to you first” might not have quiiiiiiiite the meaning you think it has … I’m just sayin’. Actually, I think I MIGHT be trying to say that I didn’t have to initiate the conversation – HE was the one who ‘spoke first’ – meaning he had an interest in talking with me. I think that was where that came from. ] So I said, “Bon jour!” back – my mind was whirling as I thought desperately of something to say! I don’t want him to think I hate him or I’m snobby because half the time he talks to me, I just sit there and smile. I’m such a dopey dope!! [Okay. That right there just made me want to cry, thinking back on it. The self-hatred. Okay, so onward]

Then Dave said something else to me but I couldn’t hear it! It was something about “So there’s a meeting today …” But I didn’t hear what of! AND STUPID ME — I didn’t ask!

At that moment the room started filling up. J. saw us talking — if you can call it that, I mean. I swear, I said one thing to him. What is my problem? [You don’t have a problem. You are shy and you are madly in love with him and so you get tongue-tied. Stop giving yourself such a hard time, please.] It is encouraging that he spoke first but come ON, Sheila! He’s gonna give up if he doesn’t get anything back!

Well, Mr. Hodge didn’t come in today so Mr. Woj sent us to study — YIPPEE! I was thinking: Yay! An entire period free with Davide!

I waited for J. and Kate outside French. Dave strolled by me. J. came out and practically screeched at me: “Go, Sheila! Run!” I’ve got such great friends. J. and I were laughing about that in study. J. giggled. “You make me sound like this tyrant!”

Well — I did run, but then I stopped and just walked along behind him.

Then tragedy struck.

Mrs. Wood (the bitchy library overseer — talk about tyrants!!) kicked J., Kate and I out, saying we had been too noisy during study. Ridiculous! Mr. Crothers’ 4th period class was in there and NICK and ERIC both were in there. [These 2 guys were the crushes my friends J. and Kate had… so it seemed as though everything was convening perfectly …. until Mrs. Wood kicked us out, that is. We were always getting kicked out of study hall.] It was so weird — I can’t even talk about it. I was standing behind tall Dave — oh DAVE!!!!!! [My entire junior year journal is filled with random outbursts like that, random SHRIEKS of his name.] — in line to sign in. Eric and Nick are walking by the three of us, swooping along to find materials and here’s stupid Mrs. Wood telling us to leave! We pleaded with her, but she was such a bitch. We walked down the stairs, all muttering stuff like “Fuck YOU, bitch” about it, so frustrated.

We went down to the caf where it was so noisy and crowded. Impossible to study. I was sitting down with my back to the door. And about 15 minutes later, J. hissed: “Don’t look now–” “What? … WHAT? … HIM?” J. nodded and I sighed. “Okay! I’m happy!”

After a while, Kate and J. went back up to the library to “look for quotes” – hoping that that bitch would let them back in – [hahahahahahahaha We were so mad!!] – so I was sitting all alone trying to look as though I were doing my Math. I sat sideways, of course. I had a perfect view of him. I could look straight down the caf – right at him – his head bent over his books – leaning on his elbow with his hand on the back of his neck. Throughout the entire period he didn’t look up. He’s so diligent. (Sigh) Obviously I do not have the same effect on him as he does on me.

When the bell rang, I sprang up and practically tore down the caf so I could walk near him. Turned out, I was walking right diagonally behind him, and I admit – I just stared stared STARED at him. His hair and skin and eyes and the way he holds his books — Oh God. I hope I haven’t blown this. I’m such a dork!!!!

And tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. Which means a flower day and bowling. [hahahahahahahahahahahaha]

Well. I’ll make it a good day.

Kate said to me in Drama, “I think you’re going to have an excellent day tomorrow.” I said, “Why?” And she shrugged and smiled. “I just have a hunch.” What? He would never send me a flower. Could I send him one? [Just the thought of those “flower days” makes me want to vomit. They were always heartbreaking. I never “got a flower” sent to me.] Well — bowling usually means a good day. [Ah, the simplicity of life at 16! When I can say, with all sincerity, that “bowling usually means a good day.” I should go bowling every day!] What if we talk more — Of course we will — I’m confident! But why was Kate so sly? Hmmmm. In Drama, she came over to me and reached out to fix my clasp on my pearls. (It was in front) Before she did, she said, “Did you make a wish?” [I love Kate.] And I nodded, saying, “Duh – I wondah what it could be …” She was laughing really hard.

We had tryouts today for our show. She sang “Turn Back O Man” from Godspell [I remember her performance of that so vividly!] She really got into it. It’s really jazzy – and Mae West-ish – she was flipping her hair around, doing kicks and jazzy movements – God she was so so good. [She was.] Betsy and I did our duet – and I tried out alone – singing “Getting Tall” from Nine – a cute little song. I sat in a chair on the apron and sang the sweet little thing. I’m just over my cold, so I feel pretty good about my voice – it came out clear and loud and true, not cackley and scratchy. I did okay, I think. Then I decided to try McCavity from Cats. [!!! Cashel just “got cast” as McCavity!] At first I started too high. So I started again. It was weak from the start, and I knew it the minute I opened my mouth. About 5 lines into it, I stopped, and said, “This is dying.” and hopped off the stage. I was laughing so hard in my seat – I said to the class, “Please forget I ever did that, okay?” I admit – it was awful, and also pretty hysterical. I think I’ll try again tomorrow.

Well, here I am at the end of another diary. And it’s only about 2 months. I write so much and my writing is so small too. This book shall be dubbed the DD — (David Diary) Sorry if it’s droning or monotonous. I know it sounds as though there are no other facets in my life at the time — but really — in all truth — there aren’t many other aspects that outshine this one. And I’m glad!!! When I started this diary, I would flip through the blank pages and wonder what would fill them. I’d even tentatively wonder if by the end Dave and I would be “set”. Well, that dream is shattered. I have a feeling the first few entries of my new diary shall be quite the eventful — if I can help it.

I HOPE SO!!!!!