This is one of the funniest essays I have read in a long long time. It ... hurts ... the comedy ... hurts .... (Pet peeve: don't comment if you don't read what I link to. Mkay? Major pet peeve.)
We're not talking a mild chuckle, or a snarky snicker at the foibles of humanity. We're talking making-a-scene laughter, where people look at you like you're having some kind of psychotic break with reality. I feel like I hurt my stomach yesterday, actually, reading the damn thing.
It says a lot about me that I read that entire essay and one of my first thoughts was: "I could marry a man like that."
The essay includes this paragraph:
Now, usually it takes a few weeks to see the doctor. At least. I reckon they want that cough or twinge to really work itself up into something good, something expensive and chronic and debilitating, before you go bothering them. I know if I was a doctor I'd get pretty pissed every time Grandmaw Dustpussy hobbled in with some phantom complaint like a broken hip, just because there was a mix-up with Social Security and her cable got cut off and she can't talk to the TV during Matlock and needs a little attention, with her stupid hip, a boo hoo hoo. No, Granny better get, like, tuberculosis in her eyes or spine worms or something awesome before she goes stinking up my waiting room. And, oh shit — if I was a doctor I'd totally be up to something nefarious, too, like making a Frankenstein in the back room or inventing a ray that gives you the plague. So I totally understand the delay, and don't begrudge those guys anything.But it turns out that when you have ass blood it kind of moves you to the head of the line. At first, I was like, "Shit, only two days? That's awesome." But then I started thinking, "Man, they wouldn't rush you in there if they didn't think you were gonna, you know... Die."
I cannot even express to you how much I enjoy this guy's writing.
But I can feel my anxiety and anger rising — I mean I have ass blood. I need to get that shit checked out. They move you up to the front of the line for ass blood."Who?" I think, sitting in my truck. "Where? Where can I get a man to finger my ass? Why does it have to be so... damn... hard... to simply get a goddamn man to finger me up in my ass?"
Husband material. Seriously.
And then there's this essay about the girl he loved in high school. If it were a book I would say: "I could not put it down" - but let's just say: I read the damn thing from beginning to end. BEAUTIFUL essay. Funny, specific, universal ...
Bad News Hughes - My new addiction. Thank you, Beth!
Posted by sheilano problem at all. also thanks to mimi smartypants--she linked it in the first place. can't wait to read more of him.
Posted by: beth at November 5, 2005 11:49 AM//"Who?" I think, sitting in my truck. "Where? Where can I get a man to finger my ass? Why does it have to be so... damn... hard... to simply get a goddamn man to finger me up in my ass?"//
i forgot about that part! LMAO. oh my god. an INTOLERABLE level of funny.
Posted by: beth at November 5, 2005 12:01 PMRight, like at first he is so not looking forward to being fingered in his ass - but then when they delay his appointment and tell him he can't be seen right away ... suddenly he can't wait to get a finger up his ass.
hahahahahaha
IT'S TOO MUCH
Posted by: red at November 5, 2005 12:02 PM"A man who doesn't even love me."
I was sitting here in my kitchen reading it, laughing out loud, BY MYSELF. My dog thinks I'm insane.
Please marry him, Sheila, and bring him into our little fold, because I cannot and it makes me sad.
Posted by: Lisa at November 5, 2005 12:19 PM"Doc Pokey wraps up his cursory physical and I head back to the office feeling like he kind of rushed me out of there. Guess I'm not that interesting when I'm not putting out, hmph."
HILARIOUS!!!
Posted by: Stevie at November 5, 2005 2:21 PMI always start laughing at "and her stupid hip, a boo hoo hoo"
Posted by: red at November 5, 2005 3:06 PM"Sheepishly, he removes his finger with an audible pop. I pull my pants on and glare at him for a few seconds. After a deep, soulful tongue kiss, I gather up my battered shreds of dignity and head out."
Wow. This man is hilarious. I can't thank you enough for showing me this link. It gets funnier every time I read it.
Posted by: Wutzizname at November 5, 2005 3:14 PMhahahahaha the tongue kiss!!
oh, and read the second one about the girl he loved ... It's hysTERICAL but then by the end it packs this huge emotional punch.
Posted by: red at November 5, 2005 3:19 PMOh man. I've been reading this guy for awhile now. Go back into the archives and read more! He's the funniest hypochondriac ever- and probably even more hilarious when there is actually something wrong with him. Read the post about when he got the blister on his foot from doing his karate/judo/whatever it's called. Tears, I tell you.
Posted by: Jen at November 9, 2005 11:07 AM