Strange cosmic tumblers converging

So I was reading this this morning. Laughing out loud, of course. Go read it. And if you DON’T read Tomato Nation on a regular basis, you are totally missing out.

A couple of my favorite quotes from today’s post:

— He’s pretty clearly one of those guys who has to do it for like three hours all “fuck Sting and his tantric bullshit.”

— And if you don’t make it out like you’re having the most awesome time ever, he’ll get all scary and start licking a knife.

— I think that Collins and the others will make a whole hairy deal out of pointedly sighing in the press that Gabriel refuses to be a good sport and do a tour with them, and they are sad, because they miss him, is all, but if that’s how he wants it, okay, boo hoo Peter Gabriel is a big meanie, and finally Gabriel will be like, “Fine, FINE, just SHUT UP already” and give in, and then he’ll be standing out front of the band with a tambourine, looking like he just ate a bug.

— I think I saw that picture in the dictionary next to “imp from hell.”

heh heh heh heh heh heh That chick can WRITE.

But here’s the weird thing, the random thing (and if you didn’t read what I linked to, you won’t get it.):

I actually had a conversation about Vincent Gallo’s penis last night. I mean – how random. How specific. I don’t sit around talking about Vincent Gallo’s penis on a daily basis. As a matter of fact, I do my best to block out the memory of what I have seen.

But last night, Vincent Gallo came up and I said the words: “What IS it with that guy and his penis? I mean, I’m glad you love your penis, dude, but this is bordering on fixation now … He has this NEED to show it to us or something … it’s weird.”

Cosmic tumblers clicking down … and they are somehow converging on the over-exposed penis of Vincent Gallo.

I’m kind of bummed, though, because he was so so good in one of my favorite movies of all time: Arizona Dream. I still remember that performance vividly (especially when his character, for a local talent show, decides to re-enact the crop-dusting scene from North by Northwest – what?? hahaha It’s a GREAT scene) – and I think he’s got a lot of talent. But … er ….

I think he might need psychological aid or something.

I’m just basically accepting that I’m gonna get a lot of weird Google searches from this post.

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18 Responses to Strange cosmic tumblers converging

  1. Lisa says:

    Was it Chloe Sefugny who ACTUALLY PUT HER MOUTH on Vincent Gallo’s penis in a movie? Not just a fakey-fake movie blowjob, but a REAL LIVE blowjob?

    ::shudder:: Ew.

  2. red says:

    Yes. It happened in Brown Bunny.

    Curly, Blind Cave Fish and I went to see it. It was BOOED at Cannes. We HAD to see it.

  3. Lisa says:

    What was booed? The blowjob?

    Or the movie as a whole?

  4. red says:

    The movie as a whole. It’s a piece of crap.

    It made this huge controversy because Ebert (always a big fan of Gallo’s) gave it a bad review- and Gallo FLIPPED OUT and said something in a press conference (AT CANNES) like: “I hope he gets colon cancer.” Or – “I hope his prostate explodes” – or something really awful.

    It was the movie-version of a blog-war.

    But apparently – based on Ebert’s criticisms – Gallo went back and edited it making it much “better”.

    Now I saw the second version – and I honestly cannot imagine how it could be much WORSE.

  5. red says:

    But when I say “piece of crap” you really have to expand your mind and not think of just ordinary movie crappiness – but … crappiness that is so out there that, 20 minutes into the movie, you start to question the purpose of your own life. You start to feel unbearable harassed. You get existential. You get angry.

    It was THAT kind of bad.

    For example: the opening sequence:

    18 minutes of motorcycles racing around a track.

    Nothing happens. The camera just follows the motorcycles going around the track.

    FOR EIGHTEEN MINUTES.

  6. Emily says:

    You just don’t understand true art. Neither does Ebert. Why else could you not like his movie?

  7. JFH says:

    Is it wrong for me not to know who Vincent Gallo is? Does he make cheap jug wine, too?

  8. red says:

    He’s an actor, JFH. He had some really good roles about a decade ago – but then checked out and since has been making his own films.

    His movie Buffalo 66 was actually very well-received – I loved it. It’s with him, and Christina Ricci – with one of the most genius cameos by Anjelica Huston that I have ever seen. Imagine Angelica Huston as a raging football fan. Hard to do, right? She is completely convincing and totally hysterical.

    Then last year he made another movie called Brown Bunny – which he “wrote, directed, produced, and edited”. He also starred in it. He was dating Chloe Sevigny at the time. He made her be in it. She plays his dead ex-girlfriend who comes to him in a sort of dream and – to show the audiecne the true love that he has lost forever – gives him a blowjob. On screen. Close-ups of Chloe’s face, etc.

    The movie was not only roundly panned but BOOED by the viewing audience at Cannes – the only time that has ever happened.

    Gallo lashed out at everyone in response. But because of the notoreity, and the blowjob – the film did get distributed.

    Like I said – he gave one of my favorite performances in Arizona Dream – but he just can’t play along with the rules of mainstream. It is too soulless for him. And that’s fine. He’s doing what he needs to do.

    But Brown Bunny was an embarrassment. Watching it made my brain turn to mush.

    However – I REALLY liked Buffalo 66 – so he definitely has talent in there. I think he COULD be an auteur of some kind, if he would focus his energies.

  9. red says:

    Oh, and no, I don’t think it’s wrong that you don’t know who he is. He’s pretty obscure.

    I know who he is, but that’s only because I saw Arizona Dream when it was first released (in about 10 movie theatres nation wide – literally – NOBODY has seen that film – it’s SO GOOD) – and was like: WHO is that actor???

    But … all that talent appears to be gone. Nothing happens in Brown Bunny worth talking about. His acting isn’t even that good.

  10. Cullen says:

    I have heard of Buffalo 66 (because of Ricci), but have never seen it. Good, huh?

  11. Stevie says:

    Ick. Just ick. I had to “familiarize” myself with the Vincent Gallo experience just now by visiting his personal site, and evidently the ad for his sperm has been removed. The good news is that the tuxedo he wore to the premiere of Brown Bunny is for sale.

    I’m not in the market for sperm or tuxedoes at the moment, but from a strictly marketing viewpoint, I would say that all the pics of Gallo looking decidedly skanky, greasy, disheveled, wasted and down-right rank (evidently his natural state) are not persuasive to closing a sale for merchandise that either touched or emanated from him. Might I recommend a sparkling stainless steel laboratory setting, blue halogen lights, and a spotlessly clean, shaven and sober Gallo wearing pristine white zip-up coveralls, a discrete bulge to hint at the size of the instrument, standing before a row of empty petrie dishes on an illuminated frosted glass tabletop?

  12. Jen says:

    My favorite part:
    Wing Chun: Which reminds me, should MC Hammer go in the GBC?

    Sarah: Can he even afford a bike anymore?

    Wing Chun: Maybe the members of his church can tithe to buy him one.

    Sarah: And a sock garter to keep his gigantic pants from catching in the gears.

    Bwahahahahahahaha!!! Sock garters. That kills me.

    P.S. I still can’t believe you saw Brown Bunny. Ew.

  13. red says:

    cullen –

    It is TOTALLY an indie film. It has no plot. It is an exercise in mood.

    I would never just recommend it – because it’s not everyone’s cup of tea.

    But I totally had a blast watching it. Anjelica Huston and Ben Gazzara play his parents – and … watching the two of them together … just wonderful.

    But again: it’s one of those weird personal indie movies – you’ll either love it or hate it. People who are Day After Tomorrow AND Van Helsing people would definitely despise it.

    :)

  14. red says:

    Jen –

    total Ew. I just had to see what the fuss was about. I mean – people have never booed a film at Cannes. I had to see it!!

  15. Matt says:

    “What IS it with that guy and his penis? I mean, I’m glad you love your penis, dude, but this is bordering on fixation now … He has this NEED to show it to us or something … it’s weird.”

    Yeah, he was apparently busted for flashing as a teen. I’d say his fixation goes beyond being some weird artsy thing.

  16. red says:

    Kerry:

    If you want to know why I deleted your comment, read my comment policy.

    Now you probably think I’m a “traitor” too, huh? Don’t use big words you don’t understand.

    Don’t make another comment like that on my blog or I’ll ban you for good. It’s people like YOU that make the political environment in this country unbearable. There are plenty of other blogs which are nice little conservative ghettos where people would have cheered your stupid comment. This is not one of those blogs.

  17. Kerry says:

    Just wanted to point out, since a friend asked me, that I’m not the one who had a comment removed. I’m going to have to start adding a last initial or something, apparently.

  18. beth says:

    the news story linked off that one is interesting also.

    //The site vows that the sperm is “100 percent guaranteed” to be of the loins of Gallo, best known for his 1998 art-house hit, Buffalo ’66, and that said owner-operator of loins is “drug, alcohol and disease free.”//

    also, the racist / Nazi implications at the end of the article are chilling.

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