It took me a while to get to this, but here goes.
The question posed this week by the Demystifying Divas is "What constitutes sexy in a member of the opposite sex?"
This is obviously extremely subjective - and just one woman's opinion.
I'm a big believer in pheromones. I am also a big believer in the fact that pheromones are, essentially, mysterious. And have to do with a mixture of body chemistry, past experiences, and plain old taste. What makes me go nuts might might someone else cringe. It's just pheromones.
There's a perfect example of the one guy I saw on the train who literally sent me through the roof. I haven't had such a strong attraction to someone in years. Just a dude on the train. Sent me through the roof in such an intense way that I ended up crying myself to sleep over my loneliness.
That can ONLY be explained by a powerful pheromonal attraction. My body chemistry responding to HIS, and saying: "That. I like that. Of all things available - I choose that."
This doesn't only have to do with looks. I would dare say that this has very little to do with looks, actually. At least not classic good looks. I'm big on the intelligence in the eyes, the way a person laughs, and also - hand gestures. I love love love hands, and I love a man who gestures with his hands. But it's very specific - and again, goes back to pheromonal attraction. I am sure that some guys would drive me NUTS with their hand gestures, and would make me want to physically restrain them to stop their damned gross hands from moving ... but that's because all the other pheromonal stuff wasn't in play.
I want to reiterate, too, that again - this isn't about good looks, per se. Or someone that, empirically, would be considered good-looking. I don't really care about that stuff - although I can appreciate a good-looking man with the rest of them.
To me, one of the sexiest guys I ever knew was a bit on the pudgy side, had thinning hair that he wore in a ponytail, and had skin so pale it was as though he had never seen the light of day. But God. The laugh! The way he listened! The way he told a story! His curiosity, his enthusiasm, his smarts, his sense of humor ... all added up to a devastating combo.
You can't fight nature.
I have to laugh because there have been times when I have written before here about "my type" - and there have been some comments (from people who I have never met) where people seem to get a bit offended because they, apparently, are not "my type". Er ... mmmmmkay. So I'm supposed to be attracted to everybody, just so no one feels bad? That's not quite how it works. I'm not saying I would rule out someone who didn't fit some perfect little mold - I'm just saying that these are the things that make me go BERSERK, just by SEEING them.
Although I've dated all kinds of men - here is what is, for me, a devastating combination. Perhaps not for a lasting relationship, but that's not the question being posed.
What Is Sexy:
-- Big beefy guys - not too cut, not too ripped in the abs - I like the meaty bodies, not the toned bodies
-- Guys who are in shape but not because they go to the gym - they're in shape because they play baseball on the weekends, or meet up with their friends after work to play basketball, or they paint houses for a living - I like guys who are in shape like THAT
-- any guy who is a huge baseball fan, preferably one wearing a Red Sox hat
-- Irish.
-- I love the Irish look of: pale skin, blue eyes, and black hair. Fuggedaboutit. It KILLS me.
-- Guys with big open laughs
-- Anyone who is unselfconscious. I don't like "cool" guys. I like goofballs.
-- The unselfconsciousness leads to the whole hand gesture thing. Guys who get all vehement about double plays and gesture with their hands wildly ... it takes someone unselfconscious to behave that way. I love that.
-- Guys who obviously like women. Liking women is very very sexy to me. Guys who have some kind of unworked-out issues or latent hostility towards women practically give off a scent (pheromones again). I can usually tell within the first 20 minutes of talking to someone if that kind of crap is in play. But a guy who likes the company of women (even if he is thinking privately: "Now .... what the hell is she babbling about?") is VERY sexy
Now I could go on about stuff that I think needs to be there for a "relationship" - but again, that's not the question. What is necessary for a lasting relationship is a little bit different - although pheromonal attraction MUST come into play. At least for me.
Go see what all the other Divas (and the Male Contingency weighing in) have to say!!
Kathy, Phoenix, Just Breathe, Stiggy (who I love merely for mentioning the "intercostal clavicle"), Phin, The Foreign Minister, Jamesyboy and Nugget , Fistful of Fortnights (who writes: "Most of all, a sexy man with his own distinct personality and who isn’t just a big fat faker is to be cherished. Don’t fuck around with adopting the Chandler Bing persona if you aren’t him, which will set off a chain reaction of severe personality vertigo." heh heh heh)-
I've been having fun reading all of them!
I love all the different preferences - it's fascinating to read.
Phoenix has invoked The Firth! All hail!
Posted by: Lisa at November 10, 2005 4:40 PMStiggy also happens to be a totally delicious Irishman to boot...
Nice post!
Posted by: silk at November 10, 2005 4:41 PMI have a feeling you and I would get along quite well, Miss Red!
Posted by: sadie at November 10, 2005 5:32 PMWhat agreat post Sheila. Sooooo great!
I agree on all points. It's about each and every guy. Treating them seperately. Goofballs especially. I had good luck on my side for a while. I love gory, slasher, drag-'em-off-screaming horror movies. Blood and gore.
Guys love me.
Posted by: Alex at November 10, 2005 7:51 PM.....and let's face it, I'm hotter than hell.
Posted by: Alex at November 10, 2005 7:52 PMDANG!! If only I wasn't married... and, uh, 10 years younger and maybe three inches taller... and, uh, a Red Sox fan... and, uh, had black hair... aw, just forget it...
BTW, I second Alex... Alex is HOT!
Posted by: JFH at November 10, 2005 8:12 PMJFH - hahahaha well, if it;s any consolation, the great love of my life was not a baseball fan at all, did not have black hair, did not play baseball on the weekends, in fact he was ponytail-dude I mentioned above ... He was, however, Irish. That counts for a lot. And the way he gestured with his hands ... ahhhh. I had a hard time even looking at his FACE because I was just watching his hands!
Posted by: red at November 11, 2005 12:07 AMAlex -
I'm actually having trouble facing the reality of your hotness.
Give me time.
Posted by: red at November 11, 2005 12:08 AMWhat's funny is that I find different things sexy now than I did when I was younger. When I was dating, I liked women with a good sense of humor. That and an interest in me were my main criteria.
Nowadays, were something to happen to my marriage, I think the sexiest quality I could think of would be "doesn't talk very much."
Posted by: Cullen at November 11, 2005 7:17 AMtotally with you on the goofball thing. I also don't get into guys whose modus operandi is to be "cool." Also with you on the dark hair/fair skin combination.
for me:
guys who make stuff: who do woodworking on the weekends, or who know how to do basic home repair, or who cook. (Not chef-type guys; more like firestation cook type guys. I don't like guys who are all pretentious about what they make). Or guys who play an instrument or sing well (as an amateur) but again aren't all pretentious about it. Guys who have some kind of interesting outside-of-work life that they pursue becauyse it makes them happy.
big, strong guys. I'm a largish woman and when I see a guy who looks like he could pick me up without difficulty, that appeals to me.
Also, high cheekbones and fullish upper lips. I don't know why but guys who look a little bit "not conventionally masculinely attractive" appeal to me.
Posted by: ricki at November 11, 2005 8:55 AMI love goofballs too...big confident unconscientious goofballs. There's a dichotomy in there somewhere, but I dont want to piece it apart. it makes sense to me.
Guys who fix things for me when I need them fixed are also a big turn on to me...what can this housewife say? *some* of my criteria is low-standard, some not. Men who will stand up and DO something when you need it done.
and I loved what one of the people you linked said about "making the ordinary seem interesting" - Hate to keep harping on Russell Crowe on your site Sheila (cause I know thats all I ever talk about on here LOL) - but the best way I can analogize what I see when I think of that description is Crowe as Cort in The Quick and The Dead - when he is rolling up his sleeves and adjusting the holster for his first duel. OH GAWD - ordinary actions...VERY sexy.
Well, maybe that wasnt exactly a GOOD analogy, but its what I thought of.
And what another said about being confident but shy. I tend to hone in on the Nice Quiet Shy Guy in the Room that everyone likes but has dismissed as being "Too Nice" for them...they dismiss at their bereavement, because in being with these Nice Quiet Shy and Unassuming Guys, I have found out some real Hot Hot Things about their ways...not all, but most... Always watch out for the Shy Guys...they may surprise you...Anyway, a guy that doesnt act like he is something special, a shy guy that keeps things to himself, not to appear mysterious, but because he wants to share it with the right person. Works to convince me that maybe I am just that person!
As for me and the physical : eyes definitely tell a story for me. And noses. If I don't like the nose, I tend to dismiss the rest of him, even if he has six-pack abs and the shoulders of an ox. Something architectural in the way a nose planes out from the face dictates what I think about the rest of him. No, I dont wish I knew why. I dont question things like that! LOL I like blue eyes, but am really won over if they are green. I always joke that I like blondes, but a lot of my celebrity crushes have been brunette. Like you, Sheila, I prefer a man who is fit in the way that he would be if he were just active in his favorite sport, not because he has been beefing up at the gym. He has to be able to carry his own muscalature well, not look like he is carrying suitcases that could, at any moment, pop open. How and why people think that is sexy is beyond me, but like you said : its all individual.
Shoulders and chest are the areas I focus on. More in the way he carries his shoulders and chest, his posture. IF he is well muscled, but slumps, Im bored. If he looks like those are the ONLY areas hes been pumping up I think "good grief, will I be able to get to the rest of him?"
Oh, and one last thing, it is so damn true guys : if you can figure out what tickles a lady's funny bone, you have her interest, at least. Laughter is physically good for you, and if someone can make you laugh, you feel better. If you feel better, you want to stay with the source that healed you. Laughter is healing...and what is getting into a relationship for except to heal old wounds and grow something new????
Posted by: Sharon Ferguson at November 11, 2005 12:17 PMSharon,
I don't care if you reference Russell Crowe in every single comment you make here. I never get enough of that dude either. :)
Posted by: red at November 11, 2005 12:34 PM"-- Guys who obviously like women. Liking women is very very sexy to me. "
I would guess the same is true of my wee wifey. She's always been very supportive of the other women I've liked, getting one of my girlfriends into the apprenticeship program and learning another how to can.
triticale -
well, speaking as a woman - I think that women who don't like other women ALSO give off a scent. You can TELL. The kind of woman who doesn't support other women, doesn't wish them well - Ew.
But from my side of things - a MAN who not only is attracted to women, and wants to kiss them, etc. - but enjoys their company?? THAT'S what I'm talking about.
Not all men enjoy the company of women.
I don't want to be with that kind of man.
Posted by: red at November 12, 2005 7:34 AM