…. turning on the computer in the morning, scrolling around the blog-roll, and finding that Patrick Hughes has done a photo-documentary of his time at a Renaissance “Faire”.
Literally.
I am in heaven.
I’m a jackass, but I don’t care.
Mitchell and I have had a long long LONG career of making fun of Renaissance Fairs and the people who think they are the pinnacle of all possible activities to partake in on any given weekend. I think, as actors, we are a little bit AFRAID of Renaissance Fairs, and we MUST make fun of them, because … we fear that one day we might, out of necessity, have to be involved in one … and that thought makes us very very frightened. Oh, lord, to have to dress up as a buxom red-cheeked rowdy Renaissance wench, frolicking with the anachronistic nerd guys wearing tights (and you know they don’t trim their toenails, and you know they wear their B.O. like a badge of medieval pride! Or – their one concession to 21st century hygiene is to use that Uncle Tom’s of Maine shit which I tried once, and please. Dear Uncle Tom’s: When you make a deodorant that will keep me dry and help me not to stink, and when you create a bar of soap that actually LATHERS, THEN maybe I’ll buy your sorry-ass product. I hate Uncle Tom’s.) … I think about having to perform in a Renaissance Fair, and all that that would entail, and to be honest, when I think about it, I feel bleak despondence creeping over my soul. To some people, the thought of wearing lace-up boots, and speaking in booming phony voices, and eating drumsticks with their fingers is heaven on earth. Good for you all. But man, Mitchell and I will snicker on the sidelines. The thought of 21st century women wearing pointy cone hats with flowing veils coming off the top makes Mitchell ANGRY. He doesn’t just dislike it … it makes him ANGRY. As a matter of fact, Mitchell said to me once, “When I think of Renaissance Fairs ….. my teeth itch.”
And so … I sign on.
I visit Patrick Hughes. Who posts once a month. Which is, obviously, his right. Yet I am so addicted that … I check every day. I am kind of a loser.
But his posts are so funny and so well-written that … well, whatever. I’m a loser and I can’t help it.
So … to sign on … and see the series of photos of the Faire??? My heart LEAPT up in excitement!! Why? Because I’m a loser and I have no life!! No, but seriously. I scrolled through that whole thing … once … twice … feeling this HUGE guffaw of laughter building up in my throat … Seriously … hahahaha
Here’s one quote from it – but seriously – go read the whole thing:
When did all these little plays and shit they do get so creepy and misogynistic? Everything that happened involved some knightly dude choking or swording or spanking a hapless maiden. I saw as many dastardly rogues swat indignant maidens on the ass as I did robey dudes eating giant turkey legs, and you know I saw a lot of those motherfuckers. Anyway, the nerds need to learn a damn social skill or two or get some better clothes or something, because the lack of poontang is twisting their minds and as a result their skits bum me out.
Sheer. Liquid. Pleasure.
Oh gawd. Uncle Tom’s was HUGE in Arcata. All the hippies loved it because it was natural. Sure it was. It was also complete crap. There’s a reason why hippies smell funny, and Uncle Tom’s has a lot to do with that.
Besides, I hate the “it’s natural!” argument anyway. Snake venom is natural, that doesn’t mean I want to brush my teeth with it.
Uncle Tom’s. Pshaw. That shit sucks. I hate their toothpaste, too.
“That asshole district supervisor for Geico will rue the day he halved the per diem allowance of Count Spectacles.”
How can you keep yourself from getting on the next plane to Gainesville and totally shagging this dude? If I were single. . .
And I’m sorry, but RenFaire is totally fair game. It’s one thing to keep your Geek in the house WHERE IT BELONGS, playing D&D and jacking off to the LoTR soundtrack while you fantasize about Arwen, but to put it out in the street like that? Is just wrong.
I’m with Mitchell. They make my teeth itch.
A reason why I’ll take my son to a Renaissance Fair in the future:
“You see, Billy? Keep yourself parked in front of the Xbox instead of going outside once in a while for a football game and youll eventually end up on the other side of this rope with Baron von Clownypants and his band of half-assed D’artagnans, instead of out here where the pussy is.”
I LOVE Mr. Hughes. If I could only visit five websites for the rest of my life his and your websites would definitely be on that list. It’s funny because he hardly ever writes while your prolificacy* is legendary, but spotting a new entry on either of your blogs makes be giddy just about every time. If I still had the stubborn, romantic-tinged imagination of my 7-year old self I’d say that I wish Mr. Hughes and Miss Sheila would get married and have lots and lots of babies….Instead, I’ll just say thank you. Your writing is consistently funny, challenging, and touching. It’s a better world for having you in it.
*You’re a feckin’ machine :)
This is the Patrick with the insane family Thanksgiving dinner, right?
My two favorite lines:
Wait, a black man? At the Medieval Faire? Poor guy must have lost a bet or something.
and maybe just maybe as a result someday feel the naked titty of a normal, fully conscious woman in their hand.
Good stuff.
Although to be fair all that working-out-our-fear-of-women stuff doesn’t stop the nerd girls from going along with it. Hell, these ones had their own little cheering section, complete with all kinds of preplanned rhymes to heckle their favorite squire or whatever. Listening to them made me feel very cold inside.
hahahahahahahaha
Elf boy, what is it that scores you the fair maidens? Is it thy pimp suede vest? Thy magical cloak? Thy very recent trip to Super Cuts?
I’m glad I peed BEFORE I read this.
Also, the blunt “No” at the very end is funnier every time I look at it.
MwaHAHAHAHAHAH! Especially JFH. That may be the quote of the year.
Baron Von Clownypants – classic.
I believe that’s a quote from Mr. Hughes himself!
stevie – “clownypants” hahahaha
Also – that the first thing he sees when he walks in is this Friar Tuck-ish dipshit (check out his sneakers) eating a drumstick.
hahahahahaha
“furious intergender melee”
I still can’t get over the fact that he used the word titty.
You have to go back over there and read the comment from the guy who got roped into a Civil War re-enactment group.
Hahahaha. People are weird.
Oh Lord, it’s my old (or should that be “ye olde”) nemesis, the Ren Fest. I swear, one of these years I’m going in a Star Trek costume just to fuck with their heads.