Watching the Oscars With My Mystery Guest

My mystery guest and I just want to go on record to say that we HATE, and we mean HATE HATE HATE HATE – the music they now play under speeches.

We HATE it.

MAKE. IT. STOP.

Quotes from my mystery guest so far this evening:

During the preshow red carpet extravaganza – there was some skinny chick in white asking stupid questions of celebrities – we watched for a while. Then mystery guest said flatly, “Look at that vacuous bitch.”

Then – watching a Keira Knightly moment – mystery guest shouted, “Look at her incisors!!!”

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69 Responses to Watching the Oscars With My Mystery Guest

  1. Ann Marie says:

    Dear Sheila & Mystery Guest (who I hope is NOT wearing a green unitard):

    I completely agree about the music thing. It’s SO irritating. Only slightly less irritating: Keira Knightly’s eye makeup. She’s so pretty… why does her eye makeup have to be so blurry? She looks like she woke up wearing yesterday’s eye makeup.

  2. Ann Marie says:

    Ok, ha ha ha ha… for Jon Stewart and his $cient0l0gy joke. Didn’t get a lot of laughs. Too many of them there.

  3. tracey says:

    Sheila — was hoping to see you “up.” I’m “up” too, but I don’t type fast!

  4. tracey says:

    I take that back! My blog’s not letting me post!
    AHHHHHHH!!!

  5. Alex Nunez says:

    Re: the preshow: Billy Bush is a gigantic asshole.

  6. Cullen says:

    Yay!!!! Wallace and Gromit!!!

    That made my night.

  7. Lisa says:

    George Clooney and I are totally broken up now. He has taken preteniousness to the next level — Assholery.

    But Reese Witherspoon looked lovely. I was thinking everyone looked pretty until I saw Naomi Watts. She looked like Skeletor in tulle.

  8. Lisa says:

    Excuse my spelling. I am weeping over the loss of George.

  9. dick says:

    Lisa,

    Count your lucky stars!!

  10. red says:

    I can’t even tell you the commentary that is going on on my end right now about salma hayek. I am crying with laughter.

    Sorry about the breakup, Lisa, with George. I feel your pain.

    I admit I liked George’s speech – i agreed with every word, actually. And his feat this year is pretty incredible. I thought it was funny when he said “Well, guess this means I won’t win best director …”

    how about the kind of weird look he gave that chick in green who said, “thank you for having me sit next to George at the Academy luncheon …” He kind of looked at her when she said that like, “Uhm … wow … you’re weird …” hahahaha That made me laugh.

    And I totally agree about Naomi’s dress!!! Lisa, we were both just saying that – we think her dress is awful.

    Sandra Bullock looks gorgeous.

    And the Scientology quote just made me LAUGH. I was nervous about Jon Stewart, fearful he would reprise the David Letterman-esque debacle – but I think he’s doing a great job.

  11. red says:

    Jake G. looks hot. I’m lovin’ the tuxedo.

  12. red says:

    Mystery guest just shouted with enthusiasm: “I LOVE sound mixing!!”

  13. Lisa says:

    Hm. I thought his assertion that Hollywood led America out of the dark age of racism and into the light of civil rights was a LITTLE over-the-top, but hey, potato/ potahto. :)

    Jennifer Aniston looked so good my husband was literally humping the TV — I’ll be interested to know how much her necklace costs.

  14. red says:

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Lily Tomlin and Meryl – that was DELICIOUS

  15. red says:

    Well, I think a lot of the films referenced were ahead of their times – and were addressing issues before they were commonly discussed – gentleman;s agreement, etc. And I think that’s something Hollywood and artists in general can be proud of.

  16. Tainted Bill says:

    I see Jessica Alba was there. It’s nice how they let people who will never, ever win an Academy Award present them.

  17. red says:

    I can’t get over it – Meryl and Lily were just so so wonderful … i want to see them do a two-person act together based on that alone. They were so delightful together!!

    and GO Robert Altman!!!!

  18. red says:

    Jessica Alba’s breasts are truly … spectacular … she seems like an automaton or something – something computer-generated.

  19. Lisa says:

    Well, yeah, but he kinda acted like Hollywood did it ALONE, like awarding Hattie McDaniel an award in 1939 started the ball rolling towards the Montgomery bus boycott.

  20. red says:

    Well, that was a big moment – a big moment for all black Americans. He was talking to his own industry and being proud of what his own industry did in that fight.

  21. Tainted Bill says:

    “Computer generated”…well, I have wondered if they’re real. I think her rear deserves a lot of credit for her popularity too.

  22. Jen says:

    Ha! I’m blogging about the Oscars too and we have a lot of the same comments! Yay. Keep posting. You’ll be way more interesting than me.

  23. red says:

    Wow – Robert Altman crediting the woman who gave him her heart in his heart transplant. That was incredible.

    Teary-eyed!

  24. Lisa says:

    Sorry if I seem peckish, I’m just tired. Tired of “Hollywood” being the arbiter — in their own minds — of thought nowadays.

    They’re great actors. Booyah. Why can’t they just ACT (and in George’s case, be v v pretty), get their awards, say a nice thank you to God and their mama, and sit the feck down?

  25. Jen says:

    Your mystery guest is hilarious!

  26. Lisa says:

    Well, the pimp song sure is interesting. I’m sure it’s very hard keeping track of all your bitches.

  27. red says:

    Because it’s art. Art is never just art. It means stuff. Movies mean things – or the good ones do. They actually have meaning – and people who are lucky enough to be involved in such films are really proud of that. As opposed to doing carpet cleaner commercials – which is all well and good – but if you get a chance to do a film like Crash or whatever, it’s exciting. it’s validating.

    Artists actually believe that what they (we) do has meaning. Meaning beyond entertainment.

    It’s sacred to us.

  28. red says:

    Jen – you have no idea … I am CRYING with laughter ovewr here ….

  29. red says:

    Oh my God – the pimp song singers are thanking the Academy … and it’s hilarious …

    “THAT WAS THE MOST INCOMPREHENSIBLE OSCAR SPEECH EVER” shouted my Oscar guest, laughing hysterically.

  30. Jen says:

    Well, at least the rappers thanked God and their mommas and got off the stage quickly. :)Can I just tell you how much I love Jon Stewart?!

  31. red says:

    Yeah – all we understood was one random shout of “Thank you, Jesus” – the rest was complete gibberish – we are still laughing … Jon stewart couldn’t even hold it together

  32. Tommy says:

    I missed the whole Pimp section. I got distracted by the Dukes of Hazzard on CMT.

  33. red says:

    The In Memoriam is my favorite part of every Oscar show

  34. Jen says:

    Ok, so are we taking bets on who the winners in the big categories will be?

  35. Jen says:

    Philip Seymour Hoffman is the bomb.

  36. red says:

    John Travolta looks so WEIRD. He is wearing a rug, first of all – and his suit looks so weird- the wide lapels – he looks bizarre.

  37. Jen says:

    Did you ever see that close up photo of his toupee taped to his head? And you could see the tape? gah. It was truly frightening.

  38. red says:

    Uma looks gorgeous. I am very pleased with her look.

  39. red says:

    In the opinion of my mystery guest and myself – of all the presenters the best have been Ludakris and Meryl and Lily.

    Everyone else has kinda sucked – flubbing lines, etc.

    Ludakris did a great job and we applauded him vigorously from my apartment.

    And I need to have that Meryl and Lily bit on tape – it was comedic genius and it felt like it could have gone on forEVER.

  40. Jen says:

    HOLY SHIT CRASH WON

  41. amelie says:

    i didn’t get to see any of it, so if you do find that meryl and lily clip, let me know; i wanna see it!

  42. Jen says:

    I can’t believe they cut off the frickin Best Picture winner in her speech.

  43. Jen says:

    Good night! It’s been fun!

  44. Stevie says:

    I loved the fake campaign ads – har har. And I’m a little shook up about Lauren Bacall being left to flub up out there all alone. Kinda heartbreaking, actually.

    Tomlin and Streep were so damned good. It’s nice to see people up there you’d like to spend time with. Table for six, please – Tomlin, Streep, Nicholson, O’Malley, Mystery Guest, and moi.

  45. red says:

    stevie – yeah, the Bacall flubbing was kinda painful to watch. Too much text … the woman is 123 years old!

    I loved the moment when Streep said “stick with the script” … it’s hard to explain the humor of the moment – it was all in the timing – but we were HOWLING.

    Streep looked beautiful, I thought.

  46. red says:

    For me, the low point of the evening was the burning-car slow-mo music video behind the singer for the song from Crash. It was awful. WAY over the top. God. I loved how Stewart commented on it: “Reminder: when fleeing a burning car, try not to move in slow motion …”

    Exactly!

    I also hated the music under the speeches with a deep passion – it made the two of us almost VIOLENT watching it – we had to forcibly tune it out to hear the speeches.

    High point: the wallace and gromit guys, LOVED them – Also Ben Stiller in the green unitard – he is so much fun – Meryl and Lily – the In Memorium montage – and the speech by that director from South Africa.

    We thought all of the presenters (except for Ludakris and Meryl and Lily) pretty much blew. Like – get your ACTS TOGETHER, guys!!!

  47. red says:

    Oh and stevie – how about Jack Nicholson strolling on at the end?? hahahaha We laughed just at the sight of him! And then when he coughed in between nominees – like – he looks like he doens’t have an OUNCE of nerves – it’s so refreshing. All of that quivering ambition and eager-to-please shit which made everybody else so nervous – doesn’t exist for him anymore. He just walks out there and the stage of the Academy Award ceremony is like his living room. Tom Hanks kind of has that vibe as well. He just came out, did his presenting, got the hell off. Clean, simple, not embarrassing to watch.

    But jack. Nobody like Jack!!!

  48. Tommy says:

    Tom Hanks reminded me a lot of Harrison Ford a year or two ago…get on, get off. Almost like he didn’t muc want to be there, and definitely not for longer than he had to be…

  49. red says:

    Yeah, he was efficient, personable – it wasn’t about HIM. Although Harrison Ford did come staggering onstage to present at the Golden Globes with a drink in his hand!!

  50. red says:

    Of course Tom Hanks can afford to be all chilled out because he’s like the John Williams of actors. He has proved himself, he already has 76 of them at home so he can just RELAX.

  51. Alex says:

    Dolly was snubbed. Mitchell and I are so pissed right now we don’t kow what to do.

  52. red says:

    Alex – Yup. True! Who’s bettah than Dolly??

  53. red says:

    Alex – I wish I was there with you and Mitchell!!! I wish I could see the show! How’s it going??

  54. Emily says:

    REEEESSSEEE!

    This concludes my commentary on the Oscars.

  55. red says:

    Whoo hoo!!! Girl deserved that award. She’s somehing special. GREAT speech, too, I thought – she didn’t just rattle off names – it had some shape to it, some depth – I really liked it. She’s a class act that one.

    REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESE!

  56. Emily says:

    Except for one thing, Red. I didn’t really like Clooney’s speech either. He’s a great actor and without a doubt a total and utter MOVIE STAR, but I thought he was too self-referencing (I was Batman once!) and congratulatory. I hear what you’re saying about the art touching people and meaning a lot to them, but I thought George could have taken a moment to recognize that he didn’t get where he was that moment by himself and it would have been nice if he actually THANKED some of those people. At the very least his co-cast and crew.

    The In Memoriam bits are my favorite parts too.

  57. red says:

    Listen, I’m not a huge Clooney fan – and I cringe half the time I read his interviews – I like him better when he’s goofy and ridiculous, not serious and self-congratulatory – I’m just saying that it is the night for HIS industry and that’s what he was talking about. And I do agree that art many times is ahead of the rest of the culture. I’m right there with him on that. I certainly don’t think acting and theatre is more important than, say, brain surgery – but I do believe it can be a noble and an important pursuit – and it’s okay to be proud of it, and proud of the cultural moments that your industry has been part of.

    This isn’t about Clooney, really – he’s not my favorite – People SO made fun of Sally Field when she gushed, “YOU LIKE ME, YOU REALLY LIKE ME” – it was too unabashedly desperate (I thought it was great – but in general it was an embarrassing moment) But then when actors take their craft seriously and think it has some social significance they are lampooned as well.

    They can’t win, basically.

    I thought Team America was right on in its lampooning of ultra-serious actors – it is ridiuclous and the pontificating is annoying – but when they are actually talking about the work that they do, and the art that they make, I appreciate the seriousness, and I appreciate their pride in it.

  58. red says:

    Along these lines: Bono has become a big huge BORE lately because he now is all Mr. Let’s Save the World dude … and recently he came out and said, “The band members need to know that I’m still committed to being a rock star and all that…” or something like that. Like the other members of U2 are like: “yeah, whatever, let’s save Africa, but when do we go on tour again??”

    I was glad to see even that small bit of self-awareness in Boring Bono’s comment – because it’s like: dude. I love U2. I love your music. I care about Africa too but please don’t stop being a big ol’ fuckin’ rock star. If you take yourself TOO seriously then you look like a jagoff.

  59. red says:

    And that’s one of the reasons why Jack Nicholson is always such a breath of fun crazy air for me – he’s just … he’s obviously one of the best actors alive right now – and he works at his craft, and he’s serious about it – but his ENERGY is so the opposite of ponderous or self-congratulatory. He just strolls on the stage with this huge grin – everyone in that room is his friend – he’s been in the business forever. But make no bones about it: he has no embarrassment about how seriously he takes his own work. It’s just he does his work, he gives a crap, and then when it’s time to party?? He shows up and parties.

  60. Emily says:

    It’s not a matter of him taking pride in the traditions of his profession. It’s really the moment he decided to do it. If he had said the same thing at the Vanity Fair party or on Oprah’s couch, I would have agreed. It’s the moment he chose to do it – his speech. It must be an incredible moment of glory and joy and I think he should revel in it, but I also tend to prefer actors who are a little bit humble about the acheivement. No thank you, Steve Gaghan. No “I miss you, Aunt Rosemary.” No “I couldn’t have done it without the other people who also worked hard on this film.” That’s what disappointed me, not what he actually said.

    I can certainly understand you also feeling the same pride – I do. But I also couldn’t see you accepting an Oscar and not being grateful to all of the support and hard work of other people that got you there.

  61. red says:

    I totally agree that humility is a great thing to have as well – and I also prefer that vibe to the other – but it’s just that I can totally understand why, in the heat of that moment, people suddenly have a huge rush of PRIDE at what they have accomplished – that’s why you hear people rave, “This is the best business in the world,” etc. I think because the struggles are so stark – and when you’re obscure in that business?? You don’t even COUNT!! You are invisible. Everyone in that room knows that fear. That fear of being irrelevant, at being unable to make a living at what they do … So, like Reese said – to get to a point where it becomes apparent that your work might “matter” – is heady heady stuff. It is truly difficult for people to keep their feet on the ground in that environment, and I guess I don’t judge them for flying off into the ether in those moments. Those who able to consistently remain humble, and grateful for the opportunity to keep working in what is one of the toughest business in the world – are few and far between. And it shows in their work.

    One of the reasons why I think Miss Renee Z’s work has suffered is because she started to believe her own press. She started to believe she was GOD’S GIFT TO ACTING. And you just can’t do that. YOu have to just keep doing your work, and not buy into all that stuff.

    One of the things that was so cool about the whole Harrison Ford interview he gave at my school was how he constantly referenced the collaborative effort of the movies – he said, “I have been fortunate enough to be involved in these massively successful films – and I don’t consider them personal successes for myself – They are successes for the whole team …” And I love that attitude. He obviously is a huge movie star, and has huge talent – but I think people love to work with him because he has that love of collaboration. he’s totally into it. He’s rare.

    Clooney teeters on the edge of serious self-parody – more and more as the years go by – and like I said, I prefer him goofy and snarky – he could be another Dean Martin (in the best possible way) if he doesn’t get too damn PONDEROUS about his work.

    I am glad, though, to see him get this successful. He has been working and struggling for a long long LONG time – and success didn’t come to him until relatively late – which is an inspiration to me, personally – so it’s nice to see him really arrive.

  62. Emily says:

    I’ve had a crush on him since the 8th grade when he was on “The Facts of Life,” so to see him find this level of success is very satisfying for me. But you’re right. He’s much more likeable when he just turns on the charm – which he certainly has a lot of – and loses the whole “voice of a generation” act.

  63. red says:

    Emily – Facts of Life!!! Totally. hahahaha

    I prefer goofballs. That’s why I love Jack Nicholson’s snarky swagger as I walks on the stage. hahahaha Just having FUN. Like please; have some FUN with this job, please???

  64. Emily says:

    I remember Clooney making some comment about his “Facts of Life” days along the lines of “if you can survive a mullet, you can survive anything.” I remember that – I had his picture taped to one of my folders like the way dumb teenaged girls do. I recall the mullet well. That’s the George Clooney I want – the one that jokes about his bad choices in hair in the past.

  65. red says:

    He’s in a pretty rarified atmosphere right now – and we all know what can potentially happen when stars get to that crazy level of success. (Tom Cruise? Anyone? How about Tom Cruise not being in attendance, Emily – kinda interesting, huh??) But people get NUTS sometimes with that kind of success. Being surrounded by people who always say yes to you, who kow-tow to you, etc.

    I hope he keeps his feet on the ground – SOMEHOW.

    He’s this crazy practical joker – and I read in some article that – a friend of his asked him to cat-sit for a weekend. George said cool, whatever, he’d go over and feed the cat once a day. The following story is disgusting, by the way, so if anyone is easily offended – don’t say I didn’t warn you.

    The friend warned George before he left town that the cat had been kind of constipated – and hadn’t pooped in a couple of days, and here were some pills to give to the cat to help it poop.

    When the friend returned home to his house after his weekend away, he walked over to the litter box – and there was a giant human-sized SHIT in the box.

    George Clooney had taken a piece of his OWN SHIT and put it into the litter box – as though the cat had finally loosened up his innards and produced a log larger than its own body.

    Awful, gross, and hysterical.

    Julia Roberts, during the filming of Ocean’s Eleven, said she would come back to her hotel room after a long day’s shooting, and find her room literally booby-trapped. She would open doors and things would pop out at her, her phone would be glued shut, etc etc. He’s a lunatic. I love that side of him, too. It’s hilarious – he’s like a big KID.

  66. David says:

    OK, my two cents:

    I thought George was incredibly humble during his speech. I find him to be self-depracating in a real and charming way. I think he’s the opposite of what people are projecting on him right now. I mean, I don’t know the guy, but it doesn’t seem to me that this jolt of super stardom is effecting him like what’s been disussed here. I may be wrong, but he does not seem full of himself in the least to me.

  67. red says:

    I guess I like, too, that the projects he has chosen to direct are the opposite of vanity projects – which is unlike a lot of actors who decide to direct. He’s not making those movies so he can have a starring role, and show his “range” and blah blah blah – he takes smaller parts – and gives these amazing opportunities to people like David Straitharn and the unbelievable Sam Rockwell in Confessions of a Dangerous Mind to star in these films – both amazing performances – I like that about him, too.

  68. Dave J says:

    Since most of what I’d say has already been said, I’m just going to say that while everything you and Bill both said about Jessica Alba is undoubtedly true, I do not care. I’m happy Reese Witherspoon got her first of probably several Oscars, but everyone’s entitled to their guilty pleasures, too.

    I know, I’m weak. ;-)

  69. red says:

    I’m a HUGE fan of guilty pleasures. I completely understand.

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