The Sheila Variations

What about Tim Burton. Dude, it's the Oscars. Do you think you could at least try to not look like you just climbed out of bed?

Joaquin Phoenix dressed like he was still playing Johnny Cash, but I still thought he looked very nice.

Joaquin did look just gorgeous, I thought. Classic.

And yeah - Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter strolling down the red carpet - they both looked like they were wearing fright wigs. hahaha

My fave was Morgan Freeman. No tie, but he had the black ascot thing going and looked cool.

Also, was it just me or did Will Smith really have like, six carats of premium rock adorning his ears?

Here's the thing, when you're Felicity's age, you don't wear boob and leg dresses. I'm sorry, but when was the last time we saw Sophia Loren's bazoombas?

I love Huffman, but she looked bad, bad, bad. It's actually a good thing she lost, or she would have gone on stage looking like that.

Also- I have this awful, terrible, manical vendetta against Jada Pinkett Smith. Every time I see her, I just wanna punch her in the face. It's hard for me to be impartial. I think she looks like a wax figure. She creeps me out.

I thought Lopez was other worldly beautiful. She looked exquisite. And the green dress se had on? She's had it in her closet for about a year, and bought it off the rack at a local boutique. Genuis.

I agree on Sandra Bullock. My favorite dress of the night, hands down. Her whole look was just fantastic.

Can't say the same about Michelle Williams, though. I wasn't crazy about the dress or its color. And is it me, or does she look extremely skinny? I don't know, her whole look didn't do it for me.

Ugh, I just realized I wrote "her whole look" twice in as many sentences. Awful, hahaha!

Alex - hahahahaha with the Jada Pinkett Smith ... hahahahaha

And I did not know that about J Lo's dress - I thought it was FABULOUS.

And thanks for your insight into the whole Felicity thing - I think maybe that was the thing that bothered me - along with the posing. It wasn't age-appropriate.

Exactly Sheila. And the thing is, I'm all for wearing what you want, and being comfortable with your age, but you have to look a certain way. I mean look at Judy Dench. Sexy, beautiful, and glamorous. Always.

Although Huffman isn't near that age group, it's time someone let her in on the bird leg, saggy boob syndrome.

Also- can we just talk about Helena Bohnam Carter Cash or whatever the hell her name is? What in the name of GOD is wrong with her? She looked like she was attacked by a gang of birds.

Alex - the white shoes were especially heinous.

Also "helena bonham carter cash" hahahahahaha

Oh Alex - please ask Mitchell to do my imitation of Helena Bonham Carter Cash when she did an episode of Miami Vice.

He should know what you're talking about when you ask.

On Salma Hayak -- I loved her hair down. Just thought it made her look so sexy. And J-lo's dress was great too, but why does she always have that severe look on her face? I think she's trying to do serious or important, but it looks kinda zombie to me. LOVED the dress though.

Sheila-

You do a Helena Bohnam Carter Cash Impersonation???????

What the hell is wrong with you?

Salma Hayek is gorgeous...the cut of the front of her dress made her breasts seem ...her left breast was being squished down.

Everyone at the Oscar party I was at last night commented on that. But ay, caramba, who cares? She was soooo gorgeous, though.

J-Lo looked so classy, a few people actually had to ask if it was really her...

Knowing Ms. Hayek, she probably squashed her left boob on purpose, to symbolize the squashing of brave dissent by the evil Amerikkkan regime or some such.

Someone tell Helena Bonham Carter that "Big Fish" wrapped about three years ago.

"Boring" is better than "Space Mutants Designed My Wardrobe." Hilary Swank looks pretty elegant in that, though it also appears that she has to hop everywhere.

Felicity Huffman? Eh. Look at Bill Macy's face in that photo. "I'm the luckiest boy in Hollywood!"

Agreed about Charlize Theron. She looks ticked in that shot. "You want me to wear satin table runners stitched together? Damn it all, anyway!" She looked tons better in that goofy made-up Spike Awards show.

Alex - she was on Miami Vice, and she played Crockett's girlfriend, and it was, as I recall, horrible acting ... and she said the line at one point: "Crockett, I'm a junkie."

Please ask Mitchell to do me saying, "Crockett, I'm a junkie" as Helena Bonham Carter Cash.

It has now morphed into something not recognizable - her English accent has now become (in my imitation) incomprehensible and it sounds something like:

"Craw-kt. Oim a junkeh."

Dude. Have Mitchell do it for you.

And I have no idea what is wrong with me, but it is obvious that SOMETHING IS.

mitch - totally, Salma is luscious (and I agree, tracey, I loved her hair that way) - and from the SIDE Salma looked fine - but somehow the way that strip of fabric ran up her middle it made her look squished on one side.

Actually, Helena's hair looked better than it often does, which isn't saying much.

Oh Helena, why won't you behave like the Renaissance heroine we all fell in love with and want you to continue to be?

I believe the "Crockett, I'm a junkie" moment was the beginning of the end of her reign as Victorian Movie Queen.

I have to agree on Jennifer Aniston...she looked simply beautiful. That picture of her is adorable, I love the smile.

I'm not sure when to date it, but for a long time Helena seems to have wanted to get out of being typecast in that way, and I had always assumed that her wearing trashy clothes, wearing her hair as if she just got out of bed after a night of particularly horrid nightmares, and swearing and belching were primarily intended as an attempt to do that. I guess it's understandable that she should do that, but the thing is, those of us who were her fans WANT her to be typecast in the Victorian, Renaissance, and medieval roles. :)

In a way, actresses like that are in an unfortunate position. I would compare Helena to Barbara Steele in that way. It was inevitable that Steele should become the archetypal horror queen, even though she hated that. It was just the face. Helena is that way with respect to those early Victorian roles.

I know this conversation is probably over, but I just had to add a bit about Charlize Theron. WHAT was that. We were wondering if she had taken up magic and was getting ready to pull the oscar out of her shoulder. what a stupid dress. and i remember her at the oscars when she won for "monster" she was so lovely and humble and smiley. Now she looks like she thinks she is supposed to be a serious actress. Sorry, honey, but north country ain't no and ain't never gonna be no silkwood. so stop acting like you're teaching us everything we need to know about the perils of life and injustice. Smile for god's sake and get over yourself and the huge bulbous satin magic show pinned to your clavicle.

jean - bwahahahahahahahahahaha

"huge bulbous satin magic show"

And, also, no comments whatsoever on Jennifer Garner almost falling on her face? I mean literally she had her arms outstretch like she was doing a dismount off of the uneven bars. or was everyone trying to be nice to her and ignore it since she just had a baby?

I could even tell from the commercials that North Country "wasn't no silkwood" - Jean, I love it when you get all tough ... hahahaha "ain't never gonna be no silkwood"

Something was too pushed about it - even in the previews. And I thought the clip they showed of it last night - of Charlize screaming at her co-workers was pushed.

A classic example of Oscar-mongering.

Jean - doesn't Brendan have a whole THING about Charlize in Bagger Vance? Have you heard him go OFF on her in that? hahahahahahaha

Jean - yeah, I decided to just let her near wipeout go unmentioned.

I'm tellin' ya - all of the presenters were staggering and stuttering like total dufuses last night. It was ridiculous!!

Also, I wanted to add that I personally loved George clooney's speech. I love its bold statment and, yes, hyperbole - but that's okay! That's what these speeches are for - to either make some grandiose statements, to cry and thank your mother, or to bumble in shock. I thought he was charming.
I liked it when one of the presenters (can't remember who) admitted that, 'acting is so much easier than this!' It must be hard to be up there AS YOURSELF for a change without being in character/costume (although there were many outfits verging on "costume" status). I was glad gwyneth wasn't there prattling away in her fake british accent.

Jean - I thought that was a really cute comment as well about acting being easier compared to that stuff -you have to read a teleprompter - and the words you have to read are probably really CORNY - Very nervewracking.

And in regards to speeches, etc. here is my stance> I am totally into this stuff for the speeches. I want emotion, embarrassment, hyperbole, and nervous breakdowns. I love every stinkin' inappropriate second of all of that stuff. Halle Berry literally experienced some sort of psychotic break with reality when she won and I thought it was great. Love it.

I wish there was no time-limit, actually. That's what I love about these shows - people at these extreme intense moments.

And yes - thank goodness no Gwynnie calling Anthony Hopkins "ANTONY Hopkins". Please.

Jean - check it out.

It's unanimous!!

Jennifer Lopez was stunning. Hands down the best looking woman at the Oscars. She reminds me of Merle Oberon. Right on, J.Lo.

Yes Salma Hayek's left breast was squozed. If she had just shifted the whole dress to the left three inches, it would've been okay. The color was gorgeous for her, though.

When they showed a clip from King Kong, with Naomi Watts being buffeted about, I thought, "She's wearing the same costume tonight." Tattered stained sheets from the bed-wetting ward at the asylum, with some anomalous clump in front. Kong would've designed a better dress.

george's speech was divine. i love how he didn't thank anyone (all names we as the public are like...who?)...i think he made a great statement. hollywood may be "out of touch" but maybe it's because they're moving forward, in terms of ideas and content. i loved that. i just love george clooney. come on!! i also loved how he totally was laughing so hard at all the stewart jokes at his expense. you can tell he just is humble and has a great sense of humor about himself.
i also thought catherine keener looked so natural and beautiful. i think she was wearing brown (?) but it looked so pretty on her.

siobhan-y - I forgot to mention Catherine Keener!! My bad. Yes, she's absolutely gorgeous. I've been into her for a while - but her whole performance in 40 year old Virgin kind of solidified my love for her. I loved her outtakes - like, trying to be serious while she's holding up that model of the vagina - accusing him of being a pervert - and then just totally busting out laughing.

Was anyone else annoyed that Selma wouldn't stop touching her hair? Put it in a ponytail if you can't leave it alone (that's what I tell my students who are prone to constant grooming anyway)

i was just so shocked that Hilary Swank looked like a girl that i didn't have time to notice how boring she looked.