The Sheila Variations

She sings often of her disappointment in the nature of celebrity: that she wanted it so badly but then when she got it, it wasn't all it was cracked up to be. It seems to me that stuff was all phoney though because she seems to thrive with the hassles of celebrity; she smiles when she's caught in her tracksuit coming in or out of the Kaballah Center. And more importantly, she does go underground and hide when she wants to. There were a few years in the late 1990s that I thought we heard the last of her; she didn't appear in magazines anymore, and she wasn't putting out records. So it is possible for her to not be so 'put upon' by people.

I do think she went after celebrity like her life depended on it. She's still living like that. Have you heard some of the lyrics on her newest album? They're the stuff of after-school special rock bands. Silly, trite, embarrassing to listen to. But no matter, she wants to tell us, once again, that she'a s Star.

I get the feeling Guy Ritchie is embarrassed. I don't know why - I have no proof of this, but there's something about him that screams, "I made a mistake."

RTG - that's a good point about her own admission of disappointment.

The disappointment I am aware of - that I am not sure SHE is aware of - is that she hasn't gotten good reviews as an actress. She seems continuously bitter about this - and makes snarky comments about the critics, etc. - and doesn't seem to take responsibility for the fact that acting is a CRAFT and she hasn't worked at it. She is wonderful in her own videos - I adore her stuff there - she has a million different looks, and personae - but that has not translated into a full-length film. She's too guarded, I think. She doesn't give herself up to the camera, freely - there's a wall there.

I think she's mad that she hasn't "made it" in that realm yet.

And I so agree about Guy Ritchie - he seems completely baffled by his own life. hahahaha

Do you think he writes letters to Kevin Federline twice a week? "For god's sake, man, throw yourself clear! Punch out!"

I think Guy Ritchie also fell prey to taking himself waaaaayyyyy too seriously. Like, dude: chill. Just do your thing. One hit does not a SUCCESS make (ask Billy Friedkin about that).

And about K-fed - For some reason, the almost daily tabloid photos of K-Fed coming out of random liquor stores, holding a new pack of smokes, please me to no end. It's so dysfunctional ... and the socks with the sandals are truly unforgivable ... but ... there he is, every day, comin' out of some 7-11 breakin' open some smokes, before he even gets to his car. AWESOME!

I always thought one of the reasons Madonna's fallen short as an actress is because she's too open about her life. I know everything about her. I've seen her naked. She's put it all out there. When I see a movie with her in it, I don't see a character. I see Madonna.

Yeah, I agree - but I also think she flat out doesn't know how to act. Her voice sounds phony, her body (which is actually quite supple) is awkward, and pose-y - she just isn't comfortable enough in her own skin to just play make-believe, and go with it. it's painful to watch her in Next Best Thing - not just in her big emotional scenes, but to watch her try to do something as simple as pouring a drink - she looks like ... an alien - an awkward mannequin-ish alien.

There's that great line at the end of The Seagull when Nina says, "I could tell I was a bad actress - I couldn't control my voice and I didn't know what to do with my hands on stage ..."

That reminds me of Madonna. NOT in her videos - where she's fascinating - but in films.

The funny thing is, you know her being a perfectionist and everything, she's probably hired the best acting coaches in the world to help her.

Ya can't buy talent!! Or maybe she hires some Kaballah groupie who just tells her what she wants to hear - and then, once again, she is shocked that she gets terrible reviews for this or that film.

Or she thinks her little red-string is going to somehow get her an Oscar someday. No way.

And I think she's afraid of what might actually be revealed about her if she actually ACTED. She can hide in her videos - she can create an IMAGE that protects her ... which is all well and good - but I think the whole acting thing is actually very very nervewracking for her - she doesn't get OFF on exhibitionism, like most actors do. She is an exhibitoinist - but she needs to CONTROL it, if that makes sense.

I saw the interview with Matt Matt Matt Matt Lauer - and she was kind of sweetly vulnerable, I felt bad for her, believe it or not - she seemed so uncomfortable in her own skin.

I feel bad for her because she seems clueless as to what a phoney jerk-off she's become. And I'm all for older women empowering themselves to still be sexy, but there's a way to do it gracefully and with dignity. Appearing in your underwear at the Coachella festival or whatever her last "shocker stunt!!!" was is not the way to do it. And it's irritating the way she's not content to stick to her niche of pop and disco. She has to go and try for the cutting edge appeal by appearing at a festival that is pretty much the epitome of anti-disco.

Madonna's strength, artistically speaking, is that she's a very good pop songwriter. Obviously, that's not enough to make her happy.

I do feel badly for her, even though she's in a dungeon of her own making. She sought fame so desperately and fiercely that she succeeded in finding it, only to learn like many before her that it's really no bargain. She could have taken the time to learn how to act, except she was already famous so there was no need.

She COULD just drop out, if it weren't for the fact that she can't. To drop out now would be to admit that her whole life has essentially been a farce - that the life she sought with such single-minded focus turned out to be a hollow shell. It's not the sort of truth that most people in that position can find the wisdom or strength to accept...

It's amazing how instant the recognition of her awfulness sweeps over me.

She was in that James Bond movie, and she just turns to face the camera--AWFULBADOHMYGOD.

I flipped the channel, saw that Swept Away was on and figured "How bad could this be?". She walks into a hotel lobby opens her mouth and--DEAR LORD MAKE IT STOP.

She appeared in a sitcom (Friends I think) and she's sitting their saying her lines while looking at the floor with the occasional glance up to the other actor, an Acting 101 bad habit that neccesitates exclusion from Acting 102.

Yet, I watch Desperately Seeking Susan and she doesn't suck. Amazing.

I'm so happy this is happeneing. I could NOT be happier.

Unlike you Sheila, I actually AM mad at Madonna. I don't like the way she treats other actors, I don't like the fact that she throws Kabbalah around like a plastic sex toy and then condemns every other celeb endorsing their own religion, and I don't like her damn accent.

I like her videos, and I like some of her music. She can't sing (which she's admitted to....which is still as see through as she is, as far as I'm concerened) and she can't act....at all.

It's not only that she can't act, but she refuses to even learn. She thinks if Cher can do it, why can't I?

Which by the way, she actually said to my pal that was in "Speed The Plow" with her in London.

She's a total farce, and a well paid hooker. If she'd admit to that, I'd bow down to her. And give her her well earned 10 bucks.

Alex - hahahaha I have been WAITING for you to show up!!

Let your anger flow! It's glorious.

How about his comment on Speed the Plow - that it was hard to even tell she was THERE as she walked across the stage?

Sadly, this David Thomson fellow actually thinks Renee Zellweger is kind of sweet and talented - and so I felt abandoned by him when I read the happy supportive entry about her.

I know that very few hold her in such contempt as I do. But history will prove me right. She will barely warrant a footnote. You mark my words!!!

I have to say that's the only difference between Madonna and Z. (I can't bear to write her name down). I think Madonna will be remembered for many, many years.

Z......squashed like a cockroach.

Would anyone care to hear another Madonna Story?

Uhm ... what do you think?

One night Maddie (as she likes to be called) came into rehearsal and left her script at home. They were still blocking the show, and everyone was still on book...meaning everyone was still learning their lines, and carrying around the script with them. When the director asked Maddie where her script was, she said:

"I thought it would be cool if I just added shit. You know. Like the Improvers do."

Oh boy.

Alex,
Even worse than her shoving her religion down everybody's throat is when she says stuff like people should "shut the @#$% up about Tom Cruise and his religion because they don't know what they're talking about and he's not hurting anyone."

Um, speaking of not knowing what you're talking about "Maddie,"....

Emily

That's really the thing I was talking about. Exactly.

Another Maddie Anecdote

Maddie was tired after a show. The critics had cruzified her, but she was soldiering on. She was Q. (my pal) to go out to dinner with her. When he declined, she said:

"I'm tired. I'm hungry. There's a take out place down the street. Can't you do anything except learn lines and walk across a stage?!"

"Cruzified".

heh. heh.

"And can't YOU do anything besides expect everyone in the world to ignore their own needs just to cater to your own?"

I met her in 1990. I was friends with her dancer Oliver (in Truth or Dare, he's the one who meets his dad at the Omni Hotel). It was after the first Blond Ambition show in the US and I was terrified. Earlier in the day I was driving down the street with a friend and we saw her jogging and my friend leans across me and screams, "MADONNA, WE LOVE YOU!" I was hoping she didn't recognize me - and I was just very uncomfortable being there at all. Oliver sat by me for a minute then was gone and I was just sitting on this sofa, feeling terrified, with nobody to talk to. A few minutes later, Oliver brought her over to me and I was hating myself so hard right then because I didn't know how to act or what to do. I was very young, awkward, in a room full of grown ups. I stood up. I am proud to say I stopped short of a curtsy. I shook her hand. I said, "I loved your show."

She said, "Thanks. Why are you over here by yourself?"

"I don't really know anybody."

And then Madonna said: "You're too pretty to be sitting here by yourself. Oliver, find her a friend, NOW."

She turned away and knocked over my bottle of water, which, in my haste, I had placed on the floor. She yelled, "Somebody clean that up!" and that was it.

I left about 2 minutes later. She was just such a force of personality, there was simply no room for me there.

I'm thinking... One of the reasons she's so good in her videos and so BAD in just about everything else, is that she's only comfortable acting like herself. The idea that she can cast herself into another personality is impossible for her to execute. But portraying herself is a cinch - so much so, in fact, that she has nearly lost the power to just be herself; she can only act like herself.

I love A League of their Own (one of my favorite movies) and I think Madonna does okay in that movie, but her character in that movie wasn't much of a stretch. But like Emily said, whenever I watch that movie I see Madonna..not May. I see Dottie Hansen, not Gina Davis...but Madonna is still Madonna.

Laura - you're right. She was adorable in League of Their Own. As a matter of fact, I think she could be great in small character parts - where she sticks close to her own self - People make entire acting careers out of doing that. She didn't have to CARRY that movie ... and she shouldn't try. She was background, she helped flesh it out. She was cute.

RTG - Oliver was such a hottie! So sweet, too - at least from what it looked like in that movie!

I think the reason she's good in her videos is because you only get to see her on screen for seconds at a time. It was one of the reasons she actualy kind of worked for me in "Evita". "Evita" wasn't filmed like a movie, it was filmed like a huge music video. Lots of short and small cut away moments with no sustained long close ups where she actually had to convey any kind of real emotion.

Her videos demand she look great (which she does in the right lighting) and perform quickly, which she's the queen of. No one can give "smarmy", "I'm hot", or "I'm horny" in 10 seconds like Maddie.