Diary Saturday: “Diary – I have grown up. I mean it.”

More fragments … now that the show has opened!

DECEMBER 3

I don’t know where to begin. I seem to be weeks behind but – my God. I’ve changed. Since opening night.

Nobody would believe this weekend.

We’ve done 4 shows so far – each one individual and different – I have never gotten as nervous as I was opening night.

Opening night was such a damn high. WOW! And the nights before – the last few rehearsals – so exciting and after each one, we went out to Giro’s and had fun – or went to Del Mor’s and had some coffee. [Have fun or have coffee. These are your choices.]

Wednesday night we had a Preview Audience – just people from the Drama Department – even with only a few people in the audience, my heart was pounding. I was almost crying I was so nervous. Whenever anyone in the cast would look at me, they’d start to laugh and go, “Look at Sheila!” When we finished the show successfully – to say the least – we were all quite wired.

I called home to ask (or tell) them if I could go out. Monday night had been a dead downer night. It was one of those nights when I wanted to cry after the rehearsal was over. I really did. And when I heard that a small group was going out to Del Mor’s, I almost begged to go. I couldn’t go home with those feelings. So I went to call my dad – he said yes, but to be home by 12:00. Diary, I don’t know why, but that depressed me so much – it wasn’t like he yelled at me or anythjing – but it made me so so so down. [I was sick of being a kid, I’m thinkin’! I was still only 16 though! Or I had just turned 17. Whatever – I still had to call home for permission and I still had to do what they say. This was devastating. hahahahaha] I hung up the phone and tears started streaming down my cheeks. After each show my emotions are so haywire anyway. A lot of times I just cry myself to sleep. It’s hard. Everything’s painful and open.

I came back into the theatre. I had wiped off my tears, but I think everyone sensed my depression. Everyone else was feeling it too. That happens. Every night the show affects us differently – but as a whole the same. I mean, it’s practically impossible to have a great show on your own. It’s such a together thing that – it’s intrinsic – Usually everyone is affected the same way. My energy level had totally dropped. I just wanted to go out and be with those wonderful people. I was standing alone getting my coat on – Brett came over to me. I needed what he did right then. He didn’t really do anything, but his gentleness and his kindness was just exactly what I needed. Of course it made me start to cry again, but I felt so loved. He came over and took hold of my sholuders. “You comin’ to Del Mor’s?” I looked up at him. I felt those damn unexplained tears in my eyes. And he saw them. I said, “Could I come?” And he said, “You can always come with me, kid.” Then we smiled and he sort of started to walk away and- on an impulse – I reached out and squeezed his hand. And he squeezed back.

I could never do that with TS. [Oh boy. The guy I was kinda dating at the time.] I could never be open like that. By the way, he hasn’t called me. I’m glad cause I’m really trying to sort out my feelings. Wait til you hear about this past week! It’s been so amazing and exciting and I totally haven’t wanted to write about it.

Wednesday was totally opposite. After that rehearsal, I had to go out to have a blast and to do something with all my incredible high energy – I felt like getting drunk. Wasted. Me! I was practically screaming with my happiness and fizzy excitement. Everyone was yelling and racing around – I went with Brett. Sometimes I look forward to things so much that just thinking about what is to come makes me feel good – like it’s already happened. That’s what happened to me when Brett and I were going out to his car. First of all, he was driving me – and one of my favorite things to do now is talk and laugh with Brett. He is one special person, Diary. [hahahaha “Diary”] He is such a REAL person.

That night at Giro’s was such a blast. Brett and I were the first ones there so we slid in a booth and ordered a pitcher. That felt pretty weird. Then everybody else came and it got really fun. Joanne and Donna – the dynaimc due – were dancing crazily – we were in the main part of the bar too. The whole night Brett was loving busting on me, rolling his eyes at me, laughing at me. Back at the theatre, I finally said, laughing, “Why are you making me feel inferior?” The whole time we were both sort of cutting on each other, having fun – so when I said that he started laughing uncontrollably and came running over to me to HUG me. Both of us laughing. Laughing with him has got to be the most fun thing in the world. [Yup. Still is.] So at Gior’s we were talking and he said, “You know that I bust on you only cause I love you so much.” This was not said in a sappy lovey way which was great. Playing games drives me nuts. Brett makes it sound so straightforward. I trust him.

Me. Brett, and Joanna were all talking, deep in conversation, and suddenly Dancing in the Dark came on the jukebox and right in the middle of our talk Joanna screeched and leaped out on the floor to dance with Joanne and Donna, leaving Brett and I in midstream. I started yelling, “JOANNA! COME BACK!” Brett and I both started to laugh – and suddenly he said, “You are the coolest kid I have ever known.” and leaned over and kissed me on the cheek.

On Sunday – after our Thanksgiving break – it was like a camp reunion, it was great. It’s amazing how close this has made us all. I have a feeling that this is rare. There are NO personality conflicts. NONE. I’ve never experienced anything like this.

Sunday was a 13-hour Tech Rehearsal (brother, was it BORING) but I came into the theatre, so psyched to see everyone again. It had only been 4 days but I was aching to see them. The first person I saw was Joe. We both went, “Hey!” and he picked me up off the ground and squeezed me. I was so happy to be there again. My Thanksgiving had pretty much sucked because of TS and the Homecoming. The theatre was all dark and shadowy. Our houses were up – they looked beautiful – but also very ominous. The houses loomed in the dark.

I heard this “Sheila!” from somewhere. I looked around and it was Brett, sitting up on the Owens’ dark porch. He called, “Come up here!” It was so wonderful to see him again! I went running up onto the porch. He was sitting on the couch and we hugged – and Liz was there – and we hugged and kissed. I love her. I think she is such a great great person. The first thing they both wanted to kow was if I had gotten in trouble on that night when I couldn’t get in the house. [hahahahahaha I love Brett and Liz!! ] Liz said, “We were petrified that you were gonna get grounded and we’d lose Millie!” I assured them that I wasn’t in trouble and then Brett did an absolutely hysterical imitation of me trying to get into my house. We were all ROLLING.

Eric came in and Brett hailed him – “Hey!” They hugged. And guess what Brett told me! On Saturday, we spent the day at Terry and Diane’s (our second Thanksgiving) and we got home at 6:30. On Sunday Brett said to me, “Hey I tried to call you Saturday night to go to Amadeus but there was no answer.” Turns out he called at 6:00. There is literally no justice in the world. Can you imagine how fun that would have been? I was quite full of anguish that I missed his call. [hahahaha “no justice” “anguish”, etc. etc. Yup – you’re still 17, Sheila]

That rehearsal was tres boring because while techies were working with light and sound, we’d all be sitting backstage, waiting – but it was still fun.

I will never forget these days. They are already PRECIOUS. How could I forget them?

Opening Night was intense because the world came. Beth, Betsy, J., Mere, Anne, Dad, Mum, Bren, Jean, Siobhan – you know, it was one of those no pressure situations.

The show went woderful. There is NOTHING like that kind of high. You cannot get that feeling anywhere else. Who’d want to? And that my friends were out there – it was such a great night. Once I got out on stage I was fine and boy did I have a blast. I won’t even try to put it into words because it’ll ruin the memory. The memory is enough.

Usually at rehearsals after the show we all drift off to calm down – then come back. We did our curtain call, we come out to bow one by one -all my friends screamed like crazy when I came out to bow. It felt terrific. So after we came off – Good Lord – we were all leaping and laughing and screaming and hugging. Everyone! We tore out into the hallway to find each other. Mass pandemonium. Five minute hugs – that took the breath out of me – It was so great – me and Joanna just hugging and hugging. Then everyone went leaping into the dressing rooms. We were all screeaming – we burst open the champagne – it tasted so GOOD – then Kimber came in to hug each one of us – so cool. Then he broke the news to us: “The judges ere here tonight. We’ve been keeping it a secret.” [The judges for the ACTF. A big deal in college theatre.]

Liz started to yell, “NO WAY!”

Then we all started yelling – and hugging – AGAIN – for another 10 minutes – at that point we became convinced that we were going to UNH. [The next stage in the ACTF competition which eventually leads to the Kennedy Center in DC]

Then I got dressed, took my batches of flowers and made a hysterical entrance into the lobby – I felt like saying, “Just give me a tiara.” I felt totally ludicrous. And there was my huge group of wonderful friends – my family – I admit it. I felt like a celebrity and I loved it. They assaulted me. I was crushed by hugs and kisses. I was so high I hardly knew their names. I only knew my feelings, my LOVE. I am so so glad they all came on opening night. I really felt very special and I liked it. I gave all my stuff to my mother (I think my parents liked it too) and said, “Well, goodbye for the next 2 weeks!” I rarely will be at home. And I had to go out on Opening night.

What a blast we had!

At first, we all went to the Pump House because that’s where the judges were eating. We only stayed for a while. The cast pulled all these tables together. The judges sat alone with Kimber. I was served. It was exciting. I was sitting on an end with Brett and Liz. The waitress came over. People were ordering real drinks so I was sitting there like, “What the fuck do I do …” Liz ordered wine, Brett ordered a sea breeze, and she came to me – I looked at the two of them like, “Help!” (Embarrassment was intense) So Brett immediately took over. [Brett. Sweetheart. Taking care of me.] “Want to have a sea breeze with me? Come on – have a sea breeze with me.” So I did. After the waitress left, Brett smiled at me. “Don’t worry about it. I remember what that feels like – not knowing what the fuck to do.” I just love him. He makes me feel at ease. Same with Liz and Joe. They notice if I’m uncomfortable and they’ll say something to me. It touched me. The sea breeze was delicious. [I don’t even know what a sea breeze is but I’m glad I liked it in my own underage way!]

We were all so aware of the judges. Brett whispered to me, “I feel like I have a stick up my ass.” So the two of us sat there pretending to be deep in conversation while we eavesdropped on the judges. Brett’s back was to the judges so he could sit and look like he was listening but I – who was facing their table – had to sit and smile pleasantlyl at Brett and nod my head in agreement. I heard the judges say “Millie” once and I could almost see Brett’s ears prick up. But the whole judges table then turned to look right at me so I immediately started to talk nonsense to the air, pretending to be talking to Brett. “Oh yeah – exactly – mm-hmm, exactly.”

Everyone was passing around the message that soon we’d split the Pump House and go to Giro’s because we wanted to relax. It was so funny. We all disappeared within like five minutes of each other.

It was a great time. I had the most incredible talk with Eric. It was almost too deep to be deciphered. I was so into it. We were both sitting against the wall in different booths, talking. It was so great.

DECEMBER 10

Well. Much has happened since I last wrote.

I decided during Picnic’s run that I would just enjoy it, live it, experience it, and think about it. Let it happen without worrying about recording it. I will record it eventually because –

Diary –

I have grown up. I mean it. Today’s sort of like the Day After for me. The play is over. I am back in high school for real, but I am so different. I still must talk about Opening Night – and also Closing Night (Saturday).

Okay.

Where do I fucking begin? So so much. This one last week.

I am so different now.

I find it so much easier to open up. So much easier. Especially with guys. I feel very open and exposed, but it’s not scaring me. It used to. I really don’t feel petrified of openness anymore. For example – I just called TS to ask him what the hell was going on.

God, I don’t know where to begin!

No one can believe what is going on in my life. I can’t believe it but the thing is is – it is real and beautiful and vital and LOVE – and it is happening. That is how I will remember Picnic. Especially Saturday night.

OH LORD.

[hahahaha I love that last explosion there.]

Closing night – I’ll get frustrated if I try to write it down just yet. Not ready.

But Opening night – after Giro’s – Brett was driving me and Liz – In the car, they told me that they were going to go back to the theatre. They do that a lot, I guess. It’s dark, no one’s there, it’s magical. They invited me to come back there with them. It was so magically weird in the theatre. At first it was just me, Brett and Liz. NOBODY ELSE in the entire theatre. It was shadowy. Silent. We went up and sat on the Owens’ porch and it was freaky. It felt like we were in church. Brett whispered, “Just listen …” So we did. The feeling was so weird. Our set, our world, empty – totally quiet – dark. The only word for it is magical. An empty quiet theatre is always magical anyway. We all feel so attached there. I could hear the quiet set. I could still see us all up there. I could hear our lines, our voices – when I looked at the cistern it wasn’t just a cistern. It was where Madge cries, where I sit – I could see us there. The swinging kitchen door. I could hear it slam. Everyone was still there. Our ghosts.

Joe came in. We ended up having so much fun. Liz fell asleep on the couch and me, Brett and Joe had THE BEST TIME. We practically ran the whole show – but we rotated roles – and did imitations of each other – and switched parts. I played Alan mostly. Joe played Hal – so we had the best time doing the motor-boat scene. I was riding piggy-back on him and he was tearing around. Brett was sitting on the edge of the stage watching. I do a great imitation of Brett as Alan. Brett was literally falling over laughing whenever I said anything. Finally it ended up that I was playing Alan and Brett was playing Madge [hahaha this is hilarious] and we came to “their scene”. We were laughingn SO hard – and suddenly Joe went running offstage (he was Hal) and Brett and I were standing there staring at each other. Brett got so psched to do this next scene – said, “Oh GOOD!” and sat on the cistern like Madge does. I plunged in, saying his lines, trying to mimic him. He did the FUNNIEST imitation of Madge. I squatted beside him saying, “I honestly never believed a girl like you could care for me.” Brett fluttered his eyelashes and looked away. “Oh, Alan.” [I am laughing out loud] I made my voice even deeper – like he always does there. “I hope you do care for me, Madge.” And then he turned to smile at me – as Madge does – with this real goopy grin. The thing is is that the kiss coming up was up to me. Alan makes the move – Madge doesn’t. So I leaned forward and our lips touched for like a split second before I – being the stupid awkward blundering idiot that I am – chickened out and made it into a joke kiss. I threw my arms around him in a passionate fire (Alan would never do that) and then the two of us tipped off the cistern laughing hysterically. Joe came running back in (as Hal) to interrupt it.

Brett and I did the Howard and Rosemary scene with Joe critiquing from the house – pretending he was Kimber. The best was watching Brett be me – doing an imitation of me sketching during the fight with Madge. He sounded so exactly like me. I couldn’t even stand it. It was a blast.

Liz was curled up on the couch but the three of us were bouncing off the walls and laughing uproariously. It was so fun! I felt very WILD but still like me. But I felt like me doing wild fun new things. In the space of one week I HAVE CHANGED SO MUCH. So much so that I can feel it.

It was special. Just happiness full to bursting. BURSTING at the seams with h appiness. I mean, all the wonderful letters from people that made me cry, the excitement, our fantastic show itself, performing is such a huge high – and then after the show – all the hugging – everyone screaming – Brett hugging me tight – and Eric picking me up and twirling me around and around – the screaming and the champagne and the love – And the letters.

At about 2:00 am – Joe said, “Well, I’d better take you home, Millie.” So we all got our stuff. Brett gently woke up Liz. Joe drove me home so I had to say goodbye to them then. I was up on the porch and Brett and I hugged so so tight – oh, it was so wonderful!

I said, “Thank you for the letter.” And he said, “I meant every wrod.” Then we hugged again.

He’s right. There is a bond between us. It is special. It exists. There is so much more to tell – but I don’t think I will. Some of it is practically sacred to me. I don’t want to spoil it by writing it down. I love them all so massively that it aches. I almost can’t believe they all are real. But they are. They are real human beings and I LOVE THEM.

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11 Responses to Diary Saturday: “Diary – I have grown up. I mean it.”

  1. amelie says:

    “I had the most incredible talk with Eric. It was almost too deep to be deciphered. I was so into it.”

    love that line!

    also, love the description of you and Brett acting out the scene at the cistern — bwa ha haaa!

  2. chuck in maine says:

    I am so glad that you have decided to share your diary. I have had quite a journey myself through this play, but I do not think I could even come close to describing some of the similiar experiences I have had as well as you did at 17!

    Your honesty and feelings are really incredible with phases like:
    “There is so much more to tell – but I don’t think I will. Some of it is practically sacred to me. I don’t want to spoil it by writing it down.”

    That’s a statement you could read 10 years from now and still have your memories come flashing back!!! You really have a talent Sheila!

    I laughed out loud, much to chargrin of the people in my house when you were talking about being able to go to the bar..and the whole Dancing in the Dark episode, deep and meaningful conversation…THE BOSSSS AHAAAHHHHHHH…God, how we used to go nuts over our 80’s music.

    “That rehearsal was tres boring”..I love the implantation of another language to add feeling to a sentence. It reminds of when people use their hands to put quotation marks around a word.

    Anyway, great post as usual Sheila. Thanks

  3. just1beth says:

    “There is literally no justice in the world” I love the fact that you wrote and spoke the same even way back when. I think that is why sometimes I am shocked to see that I am NOT 17 anymore when I look in the mirror. I mean, thank God and everything, but a lot of us was in there, wasn’t it?? I remember that opening night so well. That was an awesome play- still one of the best sets I’ve ever, ever seen. URI was great. I wish I could rewind time so I could watch that play again. Did you ever get a video of it? Or did you have Jean or Siobhan bring your tape recorder and pop in a cassette?? hee hee. PS Thanks for the Diary Saturday. It feels a little naughty.

  4. tracey says:

    Oh, Sheila! My heart aches!

  5. Mark says:

    [Have fun or have coffee. These are your choices.]

    Cake, please.

  6. red says:

    mark – bwahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

    “Uhm … cake, please?”

  7. red says:

    Beth – I don’t think there was ever a video of it. We taped a rehearsal once but that was it, I think!!

    And I know – it’s really incredible to see how we all were still US back then, even though we were wearing swoopy upside-down glasses, rainbow suspenders, and dickies. But it’s not like we have total personality changes. And there is LITERALLY no justice in the world! hahahahaha

  8. Just1Beth says:

    The LITERALLY was part of your vocabulary even back then. I love it. Betsy was a guidance counselor, doling out advice to scads of people. I was a bossy, bossy thing constantly telling people off or standing up for the little guy. Mere was on the cutting edge of music and pop culture, always doing her own thing, then coming out with these absolutely HYSTERICAL yet insightful comments. Michele was an enigma- so beautiful that people were surprised to find out how smart she was when she opened her mouth. Smart and compassionate. Plotting to bust her dog out of doggy jail, collecting money from grad students. Keep in mind that all these descriptions are from when we were TWELVE YEARS OLD!!!! But they could be from now, too. Ha ha ha.

  9. Betsy says:

    “…plotting to bust her dog out of doggy jail..” ha ha ha ha ha

  10. red says:

    hahahahahahahahahahahahaha

  11. Nightfly says:

    “I have grown up. I mean it.”

    I think that’s just the best – even better than the “no justice in the world” complaint. You have to laugh when you read it, but not at all in that mean “Oh isn’t she cute?” way. It’s just so perfectly 17.

    The absolute best thing about it is, this is the same woman who eventually posts 137,000 words on James Joyce in about five hours, and there’s no contradiction – it’s all there in the Diary. It’s brilliant.

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