Scene: A smoke-filled tavern in New York, 1787. Sheila, in modern-day dress, enters. Her pupils are dilated from excitement. She strolls through, looking around. Powdered wigs. Tin mugs, with foam dripping down the side. Candles sputtering black smoke. Men. Mostly men. Then - she sees him. Standing in conversation in the back. She recognizes him immediately. She recognizes his ruddy face, his bright eyes. He has a glitter to him that the other men do not have. She has read about that glitter. And there it is. Right in front of her. It is unmistakeable. The books did not lie. Shyly, she approaches. He turns, and sees her. Those eyes. Holy shit. It's HIM. She makes her move. Once she starts talking, she cannot stop. It is mortifying, and yet she cannot help herself.
Sheila: Oh, Mr. Hamilton. I have waited so long for this moment. You don't know me - I'm from the future. I'm an American - and - well - everything that you're working on right now - everything you're fighting for, and fighting about - well, I just want you to know that i am living in the country that you planned, that you dreamt up. You saw so far ahead - and I'm telling you - so much of what you imagined has come to pass. Uhm ... well ... I just wanted you to know that I so admire you, even though you were kind of insane, and - I just wondered how you did it. How did you write so much? How did you just KNOW certain things? Where does that kind of intelligence come from? Jefferson's gonna get all the glory - at least intellectually - I really should warn you about that - is John Adams here? Because he should be warned as well - I know that's gonna piss him off - but anyway - even though Jefferson's the golden boy, in terms of posterity - you should just know that I think you're the bomb. I really do. Even though Abigail Adams despised you. I have so many questions to ask you. I have so much I want to say. Sorry to bother you ...I am sure you're really busy right now - it's 1787 after all - but do you have, like, 5 or 10 minutes to give me? I MUST interview you - I have a list of questions.
There is a long pause. Hamilton stares at Sheila. He then leans forward, and awkwardly, kind of stumbles a bit. Sheila smells the liquor on his breath. He holds out his mug.
Hamilton: (slurring words) Have a drink, lass. You've got killer knockers. Can I touch' em?
Sheila: Uhm - woah. Mr. Hamilton - uh ...
Hamilton: (throwing his arm around her) Bitch, you're hot.
Sheila: But ... but ... The Federalist Papers ...
Hamilton: Federalist Shmederalist. Let's knock boots.
Sheila: I ... I've come such a long way ... is Madison here? Maybe I can talk to him?
Hamilton: Madison's a fucking bore. Let's PARTY!
Sheila: Okay - but - I only have limited time to ask you what ----
Hamilton: Are your boobs real?
Posted by sheilaWell...maybe he'll talk about the Federalist Papers about 10 or 20 minutes later?
Posted by: Tainted Bill at July 30, 2006 9:41 AMBill!! hahahahahahahahaha Are you on your honeymoon right now?? This is actually for ANOTHER Bill - but hopefully everyone will find it amusing.
And I would hope for 20 minutes later, as opposed to 10 - but that's just me. :)
Happy wedding, bill. Hope it was great.
Posted by: red at July 30, 2006 9:44 AMI got back last night. I figured it wasn't for me, but it did make me laugh out loud.
And as long as it isn't 5...
Posted by: Tainted Bill at July 30, 2006 9:46 AMBill - just read your recap of the honeymoon and it made me laugh out loud!!!
"Nobody abducted or killed Christie on our honeymoon so now I won't get to be on the Nancy Grace show ..."
You kill me!!!!
Give my best to the wife. :)
Posted by: red at July 30, 2006 9:47 AMYeah, really. As long as it isn't 5.
Posted by: red at July 30, 2006 9:47 AMTHAT. IS. SO. AWESOME!
For some reason, I hear Hamilton's voice in this as that of Rik Mayall as Lord Flasheart in Blackadder. But perhaps that's just me. Regardless, have a blast with your dead boyfriend.
Posted by: Dave J at July 30, 2006 9:58 AMI would have been all "Dude, you've *got* to see this movie called Star Wars. It's like the reason democracy was invented."
Posted by: Emily at July 30, 2006 10:28 AMyou shouldn't have kissed aaron burr...you got your boyfriend killed!
Posted by: brendan o'malley at July 30, 2006 11:13 AMHa! I love your crushes on historical figures. Cracks me up.
Thanks for the smile!
Posted by: Jon F. at July 30, 2006 1:51 PM"Bitch, your hot." Holy shit, that's funny. I can just see him with his wig askew and his knickers saggy.
Posted by: Jen at July 30, 2006 2:07 PM20? C'mon, these guys were used to hard work. 45 easy.
Posted by: Mr. Lion at July 30, 2006 3:16 PMHah, so cute and funny! You're forcing limp my way to Hamilton's Statue tomorrow, not fair. :p
BTW. If there were fake boobs back in the days, what would they be made of? WOOD?
not wood, they were actually invented by the Scottish with another use for the ever popular haggis. it's true - you could look it up!
That was fantastic, Sheila.
Posted by: Cullen at July 31, 2006 9:37 AMSo, "dave", explain again how sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes...
Posted by: JFH at July 31, 2006 9:51 AMGNug - combine that with the fake wooden teeth and you've got yourself a party!! Uhm - ouch??
Posted by: red at July 31, 2006 10:38 AMOh and GNug - you have to let me know when you've run past "the spot" where Mr. Hamilton met his maker. :) It's really beautiful right there. I ran by this morning, circa 6:15 am. I'm insane but it was so cool and windy and beautiful. Nice to beat the heat of the day.
Posted by: red at July 31, 2006 10:48 AMMy mind gave Kelsey Grammer's voice to Hamilton. It was inspired by that episode of The Simpsons where Sideshow Bob was put in charge of a construction crew and complained, "Oh, great. I supposed that when a woman passes by, it will be my job to lead in the hooting. 'Oh, yeah! Shake it, madam. Capital knockers!'"
The phrase "capital knockers" never fails to crack my shit up.
Posted by: Mark at July 31, 2006 12:33 PMYouve no idea how much I needed that laugh today...
thanks sheila!!
Posted by: Sharon Ferguson at July 31, 2006 2:00 PMOf course, I notice that you didn't actually say, 'No!'... :)
Posted by: Independent George at July 31, 2006 4:26 PMYes Red, you're completely insane running at such ungodly hours, for you daily rendezvous. Talk about a crush, I wonder who would be the one groping?
If it wasn't so brutally hot, when would you be running?
I'm a morning person - I have been experiementing with my schedule and I found that I just can't seem to exercise at the end of the day (meaning 6, 7, whatever). I lose momentum - I get tired and I have consistently been letting myself down, saying, "Oh, whatever, I'll just go home ..." But if I just roll out of bed and GO - before I even put the coffee on - then there I am, running through the dawn - before I have a chance to talk myself out of it.
I'm up so early that I take a 40 minute run and come home and it's still only 7:15. It just feels so good to me to be up and productive so early. I know, though - I'm nuts!!!
Oh - and sometimes I don't go run by Hamilton, although I do prefer it because the view!!! The view on Boulevard East!!! Sometimes I run down the causeway into Hoboken - you know that one at 14th Street? That's a really good run because it's all hills.
Posted by: red at July 31, 2006 4:44 PMWell, I hate to butt in but...Did you know that there are forces trying to remove Hamilton from the $10.00 bill? Maybe it's karma? That poor bas
has bad luck. http://www.hamiltonsociety.org/tendollar.htm
Bytheway kid, I like ya this blog. You write very entertainingly. Thanks. Susan
Susan - No!!!!! He must not be removed from the 10 dollar bill - because otherwise how would I visit him on a daily basis??? My dead boyfriend deserves to be on SOME kinda bill.
Posted by: red at July 31, 2006 7:37 PMOh - and thanks for the nice words, Susan. :)
Posted by: red at July 31, 2006 7:37 PMWell, I'm not one to spread vicious rumours about the dead or the alive... but I have a hunch NANCY REAGAN is behind the $10.00 bill takeover...After all, it is Ronnie's mug they want to replace Hammie's with...So, how does it feel to be in a feud with a woman who is a living X-ray?
I think I need to challenge her to a duel on the cliffs of Weehawken.
Posted by: red at July 31, 2006 8:51 PMSorry, Nancy. This is stupid. Let's try out Ronnie on something a little less prestigious, like the two. (Jefferson already has the nickel so I don't think he'd mind - no, wait, he WOULD mind, but tough.)
I've always wished the US could have given Mr. Adams a little currency love, too. Maybe the dime? Who's on the dime, Ike?
Posted by: Nightfly at August 1, 2006 10:05 AMPoor John Adams. That Alien & Sedition Act fucked him for all time, in terms of his reputation. His poor head would explode if he knew HAMILTON was on the currency and he wasn't. Can you imagine the spluttering rage??
I adore John Adams. He's so human.
Posted by: red at August 1, 2006 10:07 AMI think FDR is on the dime. Let me check.
Posted by: red at August 1, 2006 10:08 AMYes, FDR is on the dime. I like the relative stability of US currency designs compared to other countries', but if someone should go to be replaced by Reagan, I'd nominate Grant leaving the $50: great general, terrible president. It's an oddball note, too big for routine transactions but not as universally recognized/iconic as Franklin on the $100.
Or Kennedy could be retired from the half-dollar. It's still minted but I think the only place you regularly see it in circulation, being used as money (i.e., not by collectors) is at casinos.
Or someone suggested introducing alternate designs, like they did for the reverse of the nickel the past few years. For instance, I'd love to see half the dimes produced stick with FDR, and put cousin TR on the other half: that'd be a nice symmetry. For true numismatic geeks, maybe the Philadelphia mint could make one design and the Denver mint the other.
Or you could make money-launderers happy and revive denominations above $100. ;-)
Posted by: Dave J at August 1, 2006 10:47 PM