The universe …

… she confuses me. So my friend Michael is coming to stay with me for a bit. Yay! Very excited. Haven’t seen him in years. A-whoo-hoo, a-whoo-ha. My apartment is so small that it will be quite interesting, not to mention hysterical, to see our living arrangements. I bought a blow-up mattress (with pump!!) at Wal-Mart (thanks, Mum, for leading the way!) – but still: I have no extra bedroom, so he will basically be sleeping on my floor, which strikes me as intensely comedic. It’s so high school! I have fresh sheets and towels – I have gone grocery shopping for my manly guest, and I have made a bit of room in my closet. Which – if you could see my apartment and see what I mean by closet – you would laugh out loud.

I’m excited and happy! A-whoo-hoo, a-whoo-ha! I so rarely have guests! I am ready!

I come home last night after my massage. I smell of patchouli oil and my hair is a wreck. I turn on the light in the bathroom. I brush my teeth. With the light on (this will be an important detail later). I then walk into my wee kitchen. I turn on the light, not realizing how glorious electric power will seem in a matter of moments. I walk into my main room (my living room/bedroom/study/TV/wreckroom/meditation room/etc. etc.) and immediately notice something is off. The electric clock is frighteningly dark. I see no light emanating from my cable box. I go to turn on my light – nothing. No power. It is 10 pm. No power. I find it hard to accept. I try the light by my bed. Nothing. I try the portable fan on the windowsill. Nothing. I try my little red-shaded lamp across the room. Nothing. Weirdly – when I turn on my ceiling fan – IT goes on.

So I’m half in light, half in darkness. It wouldn’t have mattered so much if it had been my kitchen plunged into the depths of night – because Michael and I won’t be hanging out in the kitchen.

Horrible thoughts reverberate through my brain, as I stare with dilated eyes into the pitch-black of my apartment. Now I will not be able to blow up the mattress, since it requires a plug. Which … the thought is too awful to contemplate. Michael arrives after a long flight. I say, shyly, “We have not seen one another in years, great to see you, it is pitch black in my apartment, and guess what, you have to sleep in my bed with me.” I shiver at the impropriety. I think: maybe I can blow up the mattress in the kitchen? Because THERE’S ELECTRICITY IN THERE?

I am immediately embarrassed. As though this glitch is somehow my fault even though my bill is paid (obviously – since one half of my apartment is literally ABLAZE with electric bulbs). It is too late to call the electric company – so I have to wait it out. In the dark.

My computer runs on its battery. I turn it on. I light a ton of candles. Bill and I talk. Which is a good thing, there is much laughter (“I have an audition next week!” “What’s it for?” “Antigone.” Pause. “Is that a Civil War play?” Think about it. Heh heh. Guess you had to be there. I howled.) Anyway – by the time I got off the phone with Bill I was ready for bed. Still beset with anxieties about my power-less main room and what it wiill mean in terms of my house guest who is, as we speak, shrieking towards the east coast.

My alarm clock is problematic. I need it to wake up. I have a lot to do in the morning!! So I plug the thing in in the kitchen, and jack the volume up to the max. It works. I wake up this morning to the sound of a shrill overly jolly DJ chick hollering about how her moon is in Virgo – her voice bellowing through my apartment.

Still no power.

I wait until 8 and call the electric company. I am on hold for 25 frickin’ minutes. They cannot help me. Of course. So I call my landlord and explain the situation. It’s probably a breaker thingamajiggie and they’ll send someone over today. I explain my situation – “I have a guest coming into town and I need to blow up his mattress immediately …” I ask her to call me when the problem is resolved.

She does not.

I come home just now, worried that … there will be no power. But no – I have power! Yay! I can blow up his mattress! I do not need to greet him swathed in the darkness of midnight holding a candleabra while making some improper suggestion.

I sit down, after making a little dinner, to watch some TV. To just relax after the unbeLIEVable stress (haha) of the past 24 hours. I press the remote. The television flares into life, for a beautiful shining moment, and then with a sickening “whirr” sound – yes, there was a “whirr” – the picture on the television diminishes to a tiny pinprick, and then all goes black.

The TV is SO dead. It was old when I got it and it chose TODAY – when I have a guest on his way – a guest who will have a lot of down time and would probably want to lie about watching television a bit – to DIE. A fiery blazing pin-point of light death.

The universe. She’s a bitch of whimsy, is she not?

I wonder what will break next.

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16 Responses to The universe …

  1. David says:

    hahahahahha! OMFG! The image of the whirrrrrr.

    In a movie, that would be an “over the top” moment, but in your life, let’s just chalk it up to another literary conceit.

  2. (“I have an audition next week!” “What’s it for?” “Antigone.” Pause. “Is that a Civil War play?” Think about it. Heh heh. Guess you had to be there. I howled.)

    ROFLMAO!!!!

    I got it!

  3. red says:

    David – ha! I know!! And after your beautiful email today about the healing energy of the universe and how things happen for a reason … hahahahahaha

    whirrrrrrrrr

    shit.

  4. amelie says:

    ‘In a movie, that would be an “over the top” moment, but in your life, let’s just chalk it up to another literary conceit.’

    I think David’s right.

    Life’s funny, ain’t it.

    [also, like Sharon, i got it!]

  5. David says:

    Yeah, I got it too, but not for a long while. I’m kind of slow.

    At least I think I got it….(Antietam?)

  6. PatrickP says:

    I have an extra tv sitting in my living room and I have no idea what to do with it. If I would have known about your tv problem I could have sent it with Michael on the plane.

  7. Ken says:

    Everything happens for a reason…apparently you now have the opportunity to enable someone’s ILM when you tell them your TV died.

  8. Alex says:

    Ghost stories. Always works.

  9. sarahk says:

    oh my goodness, i can just hear your TV dying. when you said the whir, i just heard pacman dying in my head. wahh-wahh-wahh-wahh-wonk-wonk.

    LOL, Antigone in the Civil War.

  10. Ken says:

    I shall now attempt the nonnest sequitur ever:

    (sings) This…civ-il warrrr-‘s
    Notgonnaget…me dowwwwwn

  11. red says:

    Ken – HAHAHAHA I love that scene – it is so ludicrous.

  12. Lisa says:

    You could hang a sheet above the bed, like Clark Gable and Claudette Colbert.

  13. Carrie says:

    I think the best part is the apartment is so small he will have to sleep on the floor, yet you would great him with a candelbra. You know, cause like, they’re so handy to have in such a small place.

  14. red says:

    Carrie – hahahahahahaha yeah, really.

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