“There won’t be snow in Africa this Christmastime …”

Curly posts an open letter to the members of Band Aid.

I am guffawing.

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57 Responses to “There won’t be snow in Africa this Christmastime …”

  1. jean says:

    The percussion instruments?! brilliant –

  2. red says:

    I know – i think that’s my favorite part too.

  3. red says:

    Jean – didja get my email? It was a couple days ago?? Let me know – I can send it again.

    I’m looking for a book title and I think you might remember but I am not sure ….

  4. Ken says:

    Funny. I think I still have that single somewhere…

    At that, though, it was better than “We Are the World.” We were in the habit of calling USA for Africa Band Wagon.

    The band I was in back then–if we were drunk enough, and the hour late enough, would start up with “We are the world/we want some pizza…”

    I proudly did the Dylan lines:

    There’s a choice we’re making
    Pepperoni or anchovies
    Together we can build a better life
    With extra cheese

  5. Marisa says:

    Most hilarious Christmas present EVER – I found a 45 of that song and the jacket was an old-timey full color victorian christmas setting with a cut-out black and white image of emaciated children superimposed on it. It was the most twisted bizarre thing I had ever seen. I mean, I thought the song was bad but those lyrics have NOTHING on that jacket art (I don’t know if it was the original art or… ?)

    I gave it to my sister who exclaimed in horror and then laughed and was vastly appreciative of my unusual find. I will have to ask her to take a photo of it.

  6. Eric the...bald says:

    Hee hee hee, Nala Simba Muffffffffffasa.

  7. red says:

    Marisa – oh, you have to see if you can find it!!

  8. I remember the 45 cover! OMG, it was like a Terry Gilliam illustration… on crack.

    Do you remember the B-side of the 45? It had all the singers expressing Christmas greetings. Paul McCartney sounded BOMBED.

  9. red says:

    I totally remember the B side. hahahahaha I wonder if it’s on iTunes. I’d love to hear it again, just for nostalgia’s sake.

  10. Emily says:

    I found the cover and uploaded it here. Terry Gilliam on crack pretty much sums it up. The first thing I thought of when I saw that are the drawings of crazy speed freaks. It’s hideously busy.

  11. Nightfly says:

    You know – the one that’s really an affront to all things sweet and innocent is “Hands Across America.” Talk about trying to cash in on the trend. And then they actually DID line up 1.21 jigabillion people and had them hold hands for ten seconds or something. (Yup – THAT cured cancer.)

  12. RTG says:

    Ha! That’s brilliant.

  13. red says:

    Emily – oh my God.

  14. Emily says:

    Nightfly,
    The memory is fuzzy on the “Hands Across America,” but didn’t they come up really short on people for that?

  15. Do you remember “Voices that Care”? It was a song produced in… maybe 1991 to support our troops in Iraq. I kid you not, Kevin Costner sang on it.

  16. red says:

    Oh God, I had actually successfully buried the memory of that song until you just mentioned it.

  17. Emily says:

    Curley,
    Please do not ever type the words “Kevin Costner sang on it” within close proximity to one another again.

  18. Emily says:

    I mean, “Curly.” No E. Like the hair.

  19. A pox upon me, Emily. I will punish myself with repeated viewings of Waterworld and The Mailman. Or was it The Postal Worker? Oh, fuck it. I don’t care enough to even IMDB it.

  20. red says:

    I am cackling.

    The Mailman!

  21. Nightfly says:

    Kevin Costner IS “The Letter Carrier”!

  22. Oh right, it was Anne Bancroft and young and spirited Patty Duke who starred in The Postal Worker, yes? Or am I misinformed?

  23. JFH says:

    Emily,

    I’m pretty sure they had more than enough people to do the task, it’s just nobody wanted to leave their local area to participate, so you had a whole bunch of little chains in major cities (I remember the shot of the NYC part, there were too many people to fit into that chain (some areas were like 10 people deep)… that’s dedication for ya!

  24. Emily says:

    Curly,
    Make it The Bodyguard and you’re paid up for life.

  25. Emily, tell me, did you enjoy pulling wings off flies and burning ants with a magnifying glass as a child? That’s a rather sadistic punishment.

  26. JFH says:

    Well, Anne Bancroft’s and Patty Duke’s characters did sign alot of letters…

    (I’m really, really sorry for that last joke)

  27. red says:

    Yes, but did they sign the words to “Imagine”?

  28. JFH says:

    “And I-i-i-i-i…. will always deliver mail… to you-uuuuu”

  29. Emily says:

    Curly,
    So said the woman responsible for putting the vision of Kevin Costner singing in my head. Who are YOU calling cruel?

  30. Fair enough, Emily. We’ll call this a draw. In fairness though… I think Kevin only lip-synced.

  31. red says:

    That’s even kind of worse, if you really try to picture it.

    Which, dammit, I am now doing.

  32. I apologize. Sincerely.

  33. Emily says:

    At this pace, I reckon someone’s going to be sick before this thread is finished.

    And it’s probably going to be me.

  34. RTG says:

    Emily,

    That cover just made me think of Whitney Houston saying, ‘Crack is a cheap person’s drug.’

    Bless you.

  35. red says:

    Emily, Perhaps Kevin Costner could lip sync “Happy birthday” to you.

  36. Emily says:

    As long as I’m not in the room when he does, that’s fine with me.

  37. Emily says:

    RTG – oh my god. Did she really say that?

  38. red says:

    Emily, she sure did – isn’t that amazing???

  39. Emily says:

    I’m suddenly overcome with the urge to find a source of Whitney Houston quotes. Seriously, anybody who would say something that bleeping stupid has got to be a goldmine of amusingly dumb quotations.

  40. red says:

    Emily – oh please let me know if you find a Whitney Quotable page – I would love to see it.

    You must never have had the “pleasure” of watching her reality show with her “husband” Bobby Brown.

    I literally had to watch it with a hand over my eyes. PEEKING OUT at it.

    Yet you will notice that I also tuned in every week.

    Such as we are made.

  41. RTG says:

    Oh yeah, she’s crazy. But when I saw your cover I thought somebody’s been on the crackpipe again. :)

    Red – check your email! There is an urgent Marilyn Monroe matter.

  42. Marisa says:

    Emily – I can’t believe you found it. Thanks! Just as amazing and hideous as I remember it being. I cannot believe someone thought THAT was a good idea.

  43. Emily says:

    Okay…here you go. There’s some real gems in there.

    “Bobby will take my hand and put it on his face-that’s romantic.”

    Um, why?

    This is my favorite:

    “I like being a woman, even in a man’s world. After all, men can’t wear dresses, but we can wear the pants.”

    The woman has reduced women’s lib to the joy of wearing pants.

  44. red says:

    I am howling at the thought of you putting “whitney houston” into the search engine at that site.

    Yeah, Houston’s a real Hepburn with the ol’ liberation, isn’t she?

    The worst part of the show was when she (or maybe it was Bobby who said it) described how once she was constipated and (please get ready for this) Bobby “stuck his finger up there” to get things going.

  45. red says:

    I’m so sorry for just relaying that information.

  46. Emily says:

    I remember you writing about the show. It was enough to put me off forever. Not even morbid fascination could bring me to watch that train wreck. And that’s the way they acted when they had cameras on them and expected millions of people to tune in. Imagine how awful they were on their own.

  47. red says:

    Emily – did you ever see the infamous interview with Diane Sawyer? I wonder if it’s on You Tube.

  48. RTG says:

    The worst part of the whole finger up the butt thing was that Whitney said that was evidence of ‘real black love’. I was like, I’m sure there are millions of black people going, ‘I have no f’n idea what that bitch is talking about.’

    She looked great in some recent pictures but that woman is dangerously close to Francis terratory.

  49. Emily says:

    It’s there in six or so parts.

  50. red says:

    //millions of black people going, ‘I have no f’n idea what that bitch is talking about.’//

    Hahahahahaha RTG I’m so glad you know the quote of which I speak. It was one of the weirdest things I’ve ever heard said by anyone.

  51. red says:

    Emily – oh man it is amazing. If you watch it (which I will be doing later) – check out how Whitney tries to turn the tables on Diane. It gets a bit … edgy.

    The saddest part is when they trotted out their chubby daughter to be in the interview. Bobby was all sweaty and clammy – he just did not know how to deal with Diane, how to talk like a normal person … how to clean up his act … He is almost totally uncivilized. Just in terms of manners, and knowing how to BE.

  52. Emily says:

    I’ll definitely check it out a little later.

    That poor kid.

  53. red says:

    My only comfort (uhm, not like I lie awake at night worrying about this) is that Whitney’s mother is really cool – a strong upright gospel-singing powerhouse. So hopefully the little girl has access to OTHER role models in her family than her own mother.

  54. RTG says:

    Did you hear they sent her to live in, I think, California while Whitney and Bobby remain in Georgia?

    I just do not get those two people.

  55. Emily says:

    RTG,
    That’s actually a RELIEF.

  56. Laura says:

    I subjected myself on a few occasions to the Bobby/Whitney show, and I have a glimmer of hope for the little girl. You could tell she was royally embarassed by her two parents and wanted so badly to just get AWAY from them, which is sad to think of a young girl thinking that..but it could be her saving grace.

  57. Nightfly says:

    OK – that “real black love” thing is going to haunt me like a poltergeist for weeks.

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