“Santa Is a Racist Motherfucker.”

In college, I was hanging out with Mitchell and a couple of other friends. We were in Mitchell’s beach house “down the line” – a rickety shack where we had some of our most insane cast parties. (“Down the line” basically meant you lived in a shack on the beach with your nusto friends, as opposed to in the dorms where there were things like RAs, and stuff like that. Living “down the line” was everyone’s goal in college! I lived “down the line” as well.)

So – it was Christmastime. A couple of us had hung out, ordered pizza, whatever – and then we all watched Rudolph on television. We were all 19, 20, but we watched it as raptly as if we were 6.

A couple of words on Emily before the story itself. Emily was a very good friend of ours. And here are the bullet points in regards to Emily:

— She was from the Dominican Republic

— She grew up on the streets of Providence, Rhode Island (NOT the nice part of the city)

— She was in a gang

— She was a math whiz.

— She ended up getting into college – through her math scores

— She was the only minority female in the engineering department. Almost the only female as well. (There was a moment at the bursar’s office when the lady behind the desk, finding out that Emily was Dominican, said, “Em’ly. I did not know you wasn’t a Negro student.” Negro? Negro?? The woman did not mean ANY harm and Emily didn’t take offense – but Emily also had a high-tuned instinct for comedy … and that bursar lady’s innocent comment was funny. Emily did imitations of the poor woman for 4 years straight.)

— She had a huge mohawk

— She had a passion for African dance

— She wore tiny tartan kilts, ripped black tights, and huge stomping motorcycle boots

So … put all that together … what do you have? Emily. Oh, and add onto that:

— a huge laugh

— a warm heart

— a no-bullshit attitude towards friendship – she was as loyal as the day was long – but DO NOT MESS with her

Here’s one Emily anecdote. Brooke – another girl in our crowd of friends – mentioned something about the Catholic girl’s school she had gone to in Providence – let’s call it St. Marks. Emily’s face lit up. Sincerely. She had heard of it, she looked happy about it. And she said, “I used to throw bricks at the girls from St. Marks!” She said it in a kindly nostalgic way. Like: ohhh, those were the days, member when I threw bricks at you??

Emily got her life together in a major way and is now getting her doctorate, I believe. But back in the day, she was throwing bricks at the girls from the Catholic school.

So that’s Emily. I just need to set it up because what ended up happening was even funnier because it was EMILY who said it. The tough tattooed Mohawked ex-gang member. With a calculator in her pocket.

We lay around in the living room watching Rudolph. Nobody really spoke. We were LIVING the Christmas special.

Then comes the devastating realization of Santa Claus’s coldness – and how he basically shuns Rudolph from polite society. He won’t let Rudolph join in the reindeer games – he won’t even let him hang OUT with the other reindeer!! The red nose is something to be ashamed of. It implicates the entire North Pole venture. Santa must get rid of Rudolph as quickly as possible. Somehow, I took all of this in stride as a child – I just accepted that Santa was kind of an asshole – but suddenly, in this particular viewing, with Emily and Mitchell, it seemed unbeLIEVably unfair.

But I didn’t say anything. I just thought it to myself.

And Emily, sprawled out on the couch, a cigarette dangling from her lips, an ashtray piled high with butts propped on her stomach, her legs with their ripped black fishnets hooked up over the back of the couch, said in a flat dry tone, with dead matter-of-fact eyes, “Santa is a racist motherfuckah.”

There was a brief pause, as we all nodded seriously, agreeing with her – we were pissed at Santa too … but then we all looked at Emily – the mohawk, the scary gang tattooes, the cigarette – she was our friend – but we suddenly saw her EXTERIOR … we all looked at each other … and just LOST IT.

We lost it so bad that we missed the rest of Rudolph pretty much. We could not get it back, we could not come down. It just kept being hilarious to us. It HURT. Because she truly MEANT it … she wasn’t saying it to be funny, she wasn’t saying it in a tone of “ooh, aren’t I funny” mock outrage … she wasn’t even outraged at all. She was just flatly stating the facts. We could not stop laughing. Emily was laughing so riotously that she thought she would asphyxiate – she had to go outside and get some air, walk around the frosty yard, howling to the moon with laughter.

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21 Responses to “Santa Is a Racist Motherfucker.”

  1. I said it last time and I’ll say it again: I adore Emily.

  2. red says:

    hahahaha She was so awesome.

  3. RTG says:

    I just accepted that Santa was kind of an asshole

    Guffaw! :)

  4. mike says:

    My wife and I were watching Rudolph with our three-year old son the other night. When Rudolph got busted for the nose, we both said, simultaneously, “You’re different, and that’s bad.” And then cracked up.

    It’s one thing to learn not to cuss around the boy, but tone down the dark, sarcastic humor? No luck so far.

  5. jackie says:

    waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!

  6. JFH says:

    Oh, please! Y’all are missing the important life lessons that the show imparts to young people which will carry them far in life, among them:

    1) Always conform! Be like everyone and you’ll fit in and be happy. If your CANNOT be like everyone else, seek outside help (via such avenues like plastic surgery or drugs)

    2) It’s a one in a million shot that your “abnormality” will turn into a valuable asset. You’re more likely to die alone or be slaughtered by a Yeti than being successful… You’re better off going to the OTB or buying lots of lottery tickets.

    3) There are no reprecussions of making fun of people different from you. Heck, if they DO make it big (which is a low probability, see “2” above), they forgive you and still be your friend… Let’s face it, they always wanted to be your friend, so what’s changed?

    The few lessons that they tried to teach us for balance sake, we KNOW were wrong. It’s obvious that:

    1) The kids that got the misfit toys are going to purposely break or burn them a few days after Christmas (any toy that refuses to change his name dispite being a Jack-in-the-Box deserves to be used as a container that tests how much firecrackers it takes to blow apart a metal box’s seams)

    2) A loner prospector that quickly befriends a young elf and young reindeer can certainly be up to no good. Especially when you consider: THERE’S NO LAND in most of the Artic circle!! Anybody looking for “silver and gold” near the North Pole is certifiable.

    3) Herbie picking dentistry as his problem with being an elf is merely denying his true self… Come out of the closet Herbie!

  7. red says:

    Jackie – you were there that night, weren’t you??

  8. mere says:

    i don’t know how many times I’ve heard this story, but it cracks me up every time.

  9. ricki says:

    You know, I posted on Tracey’s blog that were these specials made today, Rudolph would probably have an “extreme makeover” to take care of his “abnormality.”

    I also just realized: Hermie would probably also join Co$ and wind up marrying a trophy-wife who is an inch or two taller than he is. And they’d purportely have a baby together.

    I dunno. Maybe I sugar-coat everything but as one of the little kids who was picked on a lot, I was always “Go Rudolph!” I didn’t so much care that Santa and the other reindeer and even his own dad were acting like complete tools around Rudolph, I guess I kind of accepted that when you’re weird, people shun you. (Not that it should be that way).

    I will say though, that Rudolph was awful nice about it in the end. I probably would have been more like, “I’ll….THINK….about it.” when Santa came and told me that I was the only thing that could save Christmas.

  10. red says:

    Yeah. Santa only accepts Rudolph when he saves his ass? I don’t THINK so.

    (And ricki – I love these specials, too. I’m not dissing them at all. Part of my humor is making fun of shit I love. It’s like having deeply serious conversations, as an adult, about Snuffleupagus, or some of the more absurd plot twists in Land of the Lost, or analyzing the REAL relationship between Lucy and Schroeder. Because it’s fun.)

  11. red says:

    And Donner is flat out a jagoff. He is an unredeemable creature.

  12. ricki says:

    Yeah, I kinda wonder whether the writers for those specials had some kind of a father issue. In many of them the “children” are either fatherless or the father is some kind of a jerk.

    Or maybe Disney had the patent on the mean stepmother….

  13. red says:

    You know what always bugged me about Rudolph when I was a kid?

    It’s the part when he sneaks out of the little cabin to go off into the night by himself – and he leaves the door open.

    Like … it’s so cold … you will be discovered if you leave the door open!! CLOSE THE DOOR RUDOLPH!

    It haunted me.

  14. Good point, Sheila. Screw the nose, the real issue with Rudolph is that he is not the least bit energy efficient. I bet he drives a big ol’ gass guzzler too.

  15. red says:

    curly – ha! Did you notice that too??

    I was not as concerned about his slacking-off in energy conservation – but that he was kind of a dumbass … It’s a BLIZZARD, Rudolph – you will give away your sneaky plan by leaving that door wide open!!

  16. Yes, I did notice it. I experience psychological discomfort with such things. What’s opened, needs to be closed, thank you. I feel off-balance otherwise.

    I’m also a big stickler for people on sitcoms just barging into homes and/or poking around in people’s fridges without asking. Kramer made me cringe long before his racist ranting began.

  17. red says:

    //What’s opened, needs to be closed, thank you.//

    hahahaha Totally.

    It’s like how people in the movies don’t say ‘Goodbye’ when they hang up the phone. You just hang up? What?? SAY GOODBYE, PLEASE.

  18. I also love how some characters say things like, “Yes, hello? Police?!” to establish for the audience that they are trying to reach the, you know, police. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that when a character spots a dead body and picks up the phone, odds are he or she isn’t calling Domino’s.

  19. red says:

    hahaha

    Yeah, really.

    Someone gets shot. A person runs to the phone. And says, “Help!!”

    I, as an audience member, would be like: “Wait wait wait wait … WHO did he just call?? I am SOOOOOO confused.”

  20. The visual of your confusion is making me giggle tremendously.

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