Kickboxing update

About 40 minutes into every class, I have a sort of existential crisis. I seriously feel that I cannot go on. All kinds of dire thoughts parade through my head. I am DRENCHED in sweat. Seriously: that is not a euphemism. My clothes are so wet that if you wrung them out you could fill a damn bucket. I punch, I kick, I jog … and circa 40 minutes in, I think: No. No. I cannot. No more. I can’t. No. I can’t. I can’t.

On the heels of this is always emotional despair.

You always give up. You let go and give up. What IS that about you that gives up? Why do you give up? Why?

I just GO there. As I punch and kick and punch, I contemplate my own emotional makeup and history. Sometimes tears stream down my face during this nadir. Like clockwork.

Then … for the last 20 minutes of class I enter what I call a “burn zone”. Everything gets hot. Literally. I can feel my arms on fire, my legs on fire – my face is BLAZING (I’m an irish person. I sweat primarily in my face) – and so then I’m in the burn zone, and time and space disappear – and I accept the burn – I have no more emotional nadir – all I am doing is obeying the instructor. I do not count the minutes because I dont wear a watch and I am glad that there are not clocks everywhere in my ghetto-fabulous gym. It’s not about checking the clock to see how much time is left. It’s about LIVING in that damn burn zone.

I’m still not used to it but I do recognize the pattern. “Okay. Here I am having an emotional crisis. It must be 6:47.”

And today I spoke to my husband for the first time. It was a momentous occasion, filled with romantic possibility. I was leaving class – and I realized he was behind me, carrying his bike. I held the door. I said, “You got it?” as he struggled his bike through. He replied, “Thank you.”

It was a thrilling moment.

“You got it?”
“Thank you.”

God.

So damn profound. I love our relationship.

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14 Responses to Kickboxing update

  1. mere says:

    So you hit the wall, and then went thru it. The more you do it, the easier it will get. Soon, the wall will disappear.
    you kick ass Sheila!!

  2. Way to bring it Sheila!! It’s always an awesome feeling when you go farther than your mind tells you that you can. Keep pushing.

    As an aside, I must say my heart skipped a beat today for you. Your conversation with you husband to be was heart warming and moving. Hahaha, it really is all in the thank you isn’t it? Good for you.

    My best,
    chuck

  3. Dan says:

    //(I’m an irish person. I sweat primarily in my face)//

    So true. My head drips like a faucet during class.

  4. red says:

    Dan – I envy the girls who get a mere sprinkling of sweat on their faces – as opposed to ol’ tomato head here. I wish I sweated discreetly in the armpits like the other girls – but no. I look as though I have come out of a bout with the ocean when I’m done.

  5. just1beth says:

    Is there a wall on which you could cool your face off? But, that might not be wise to do in front of your husband just yet…
    When I was really into running, and I was at “the wall” place of the workout, I would think of my friend Ron who broke his neck playing football in college. And I would LITERALLY chastise myself, “You big baby. Ron would do anything to be able to run again, and you are going to WHINE about it? Just run, dammmit. You are so freaking lucky! Think of all the people who CAN’T do this. If you stop now, you are WEAK. Loser.”
    Kinda like my own personal trainer,but now I need therapy from all those years of running and invoking Irish-Catholic exercise guilt upon myself.
    Speaking of Irish, when I was walking Ciaran yesterday, there was this guy cutting the hedges on the street nearby. He bent down to pet the dog, and asked his name in a thick Irish brogue! When I told him he was originally from Tenn. and we rescued him and gave him that name, he was quite proud and said, “Aah- we’ll make him Irish!”
    He was rather blurpy and adorable. I almost asked him if he was your husband from the gym!!!

  6. red says:

    //Is there a wall on which you could cool your face off? //

    hahahahahahaha You know, i thought about that last night during class, and laughed to myself. I could FEEL the hotness in my Tomato Head and remembered us pressing our cheeks against the cool tile. hahahahaha

    And I remember Ron – I can indeed see how thinking of him would be motivation to push through, keep going. We are lucky. Lucky we can walk, move, CHOOSE to exercise – we have that choice.

    Give Ciaran a kiss for me!!

  7. Lisa says:

    //(I’m an irish person. I sweat primarily in my face)//

    I heard a comedian once say an Irish person trying to tan was like sticking a fork in a microwave.

    Very true.

  8. red says:

    Lisa – hahahaha

    Yeah, no tan for me.

    Just more freckles, dernit.

    I actually went to the grocery store after my kickboxing class – it’s right next door – I just needed to pick up a couple things, and I felt like people might have been alarmed by my truly Tomato-Red appearance.

    I was almost embarrassed, but whatever.

    And tonight I have my weights session with my trainer.

    helllllp!!!

  9. Mark says:

    I envy the girls who get a mere sprinkling of sweat on their faces – as opposed to ol’ tomato head here.

    Bah, those dainty flowers are boring; gimme a sweaty tomato head any day. I was oddly attracted to Hilary Swank in Million Dollar Baby.

    That reminds me: when you’re at the gym, watch out for stools.

  10. Brendan O'Malley says:

    I don’t know, he sounds a bit loquacious for you.

  11. mere says:

    i sweat a lot too. everywhere. I have tomato head syndrome as well. sometimes when I spar, my whole face will turn bright red except where my mouth guard is. (????) so I look like I have a white moustache. it isn’t a good look. and the red of my face clashes with the red of my hair. so subtractive.

  12. wutzizname says:

    First of all, I am SO glad that you’re in this class doing that. I miss TKD class so much.

    Second of all, I remember doing that at my old School. That’s exactly what you have to do. Follow the instructions. Let all the emotions out in the practice, emote completely in whatever you’re doing. Each punch is two punches less than what your opponent will throw when you fight them. each kick, one shy of theirs. You MUST punch again. You MUST kick again. push yourself to the point where you think you’re going to drop, and realize that you’re still standing.

    …and Scream. Scream like you’re going to kill whomever’s holding the target.

    When we went to the kickpads, or the drills, I’d throw blows as hard all ten times. it’s so easy to go 9 good reps, and the last one is the most intense. It’s a place for emotional release, as well as physical exertion. Your partner is in position to hold that kick pad for you. Try to knock that sonofabitch down! If they fall, they have a bad stance, if you jam a toe, it’s your own damned fault.

    Sparring, same situation. KEEP GOING. Until you hear them call the round, go as mercilessly as you possibly can. kicking, punching, dodging, lunging attacks, going all out, and then some.

    Except when you get clocked good and hard. That’s when you slow the hell down. Cause that’s how I did it. :) I caught a heel to the side of my head from a hook kick that I’ll never forget.

    I’m SO glad you’re doing that. Sheila. So glad.

  13. Marisa says:

    I don’t sweat as much in my face but it is as if all the heat goes there. The blood rushes to my head and it feels huge and swollen and turns bright red like it’s been soaking in turnip juice. It clashes violently with my orange-red hair and then other people in the gym start to notice… and look at me funny… and then look concerned… Sometimes they stop and ask if I’m alright. It’s embarassing.

    I feel like I should wear a T-shirt when exersizing that says something reassuring like, “I’m not about to have a coronary. I’m just Irish.” or “It’s ok. My head is SUPPOSED to be this color.”

  14. just1beth says:

    Marisa- The same thing happens to me- I turn that red jumping off the couch to run to the fridge to grab a soda on a commercial. We really SHOULD make t-shirts!!!

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