The Sheila Variations

Diary Friday

The following entry is from my junior year in high school when I was TOTALLY in love with a guy named David. I was in love in an unrequited vaguely stalker-ish kind of way, and every single notebook I have from that year is filled with David details. It all ended tragically, as such things do.

I sound rather manic in this entry. I also refer to another person - another HUMAN BEING - as a "warthog". God forgive me.

FEB 7

I feel like I'm on an inevitable course. [What are you, an Olympic luger all of a sudden?] I hope of success - why do I want to have doubts? Of course you know who I'm talking about. I'm so muddled up inside. Everyone else had the worst days of their lives - because their days were so awful I began to think - "Okay - when is the axe going to fall on me?" Bad luck does happen in 3s, you know. [Okay, Sheila, I want you to try - just TRY - to not sound so insane. Thanks.]

It's so very hard to be happy when everyone around you is sobbing. [Good point]

Okay - with J. - Lisa - the warthog - came up to J. in band saying, "Guess who called me last night? .... Nick!" Oh, she just wants to dig that knife in. Why J.? J. deserves it so much. I can not stand this. Also - why Lisa?? Why the girl we all hate so much? [I have no idea who Lisa is now. I'm sorry, in retrospect, Lisa, that I referred to you as a 'warthog'. That was not very nice.] I don't understand this! It's all so unfair.

Then = this is so unbelievable - I can not believe this - the editor of The Rebellion, the school paper - N. (gag choke wheeze) - she's a tyrant. We fondly refer to her as the pirhana. [hahahahaha GOD!!!] She's a jerk as an editor and a jerk as a person. She likes ERIC! Why? And in French IV sent him a Valentine Gram calling him cupids and stuff - why? If they only knew what pain they were causing! [Sheila, what are you TALKING about??]

My day was really peachy.

We stayed after for rehearsal. J. was upstairs in the Rebellion meeting. That's how she found out about the Valentine Gram. I was in the Music Room. I noticed that Kate was gone - she had gone off to find J. I knew that something was wrong with J. from English on - she turned to me and said, flatout, "It's over. I have no hope left." But she didn't elaborate. After class, Kate was hugging J. consolingly - I just walked on - I'm not gonna force her to tell me.

Then we went to rehearsal and both disappeared. Mr. Crothers came late so I was sent off to find them./ I found them on the 3rd floor - Kate huddled against the wall. I knew something had just happened. I guess it was my pride that kept me from asking what was wrong. I just saw them, said, "The Crud's back!" and turned to go. If they want to tell me, they will. Well, they caught up to me and did tell me. We were about ten minutes late to rehearsal because we just stood in a doorway hugging each other. Kate just looked at me and said, "I really need a hug, Sheila." Those poor kids. Why of all people them? It does seem like fate is working against us. Why? I was just talking to Kate on the phone and I said, "I'm sick of having to handle things." Every day I go to school - I can't just live. Maybe this me growing up but it doesn't feel good. I don't want to have to go through life continually having to deal, cope - whatever! I used to make fun of J. cause she always says, "I cannot handle any more of this." But I know what she means. How much more are we supposed to take. [I love the dramatic language. Especially because all of this despair was brought about by a warthog and a Valentine Gram]

My day went good. I felt sort of obliged to be depressed because they were. Kate kept saying, "Sheila, don't try to convince yourself that your situation is like ours." But it is hard. I am so cautious sometimes. I'll be talking to him and I'll show a little bit of myself. Immediately afterwards, I can feel myself shying away. Maybe it's only me. Everyone's saying to me, "You've got nothing to worry about, Sheila." But I do. I have to! I've never felt this way before. It's the first time I've ever gotten anything back but I don't want to misinterpret it in my awe that a boy is actually talking to me. [sniff. That part kinda kills me.]

Diary, these are the facts: He does talk to me an awful lot. But so what? Am I denying to myself that he might care? Why would I do that? Anne was saying it's probably because I don't have much confidence in myself in that area. True true. I wonder why!

Anyways, today was a bowling day. [And ... what does that have to do with anything??] It was freezing out. We were all heading through the parking lot. I was walking with Kate, J., and April. David was right ahead of us. Just as we started over the little hill to the field, he turned to look at us and said something like, "So when's the next SK Pades meeting?" I said, "Tonight after school." As we cane over the hill, suddenly he was beside us, walking with us. My three friends sort of drifted ahead - as one - leaving the two of us alone. [hahahahahaha I love girlfriends!!] We walked together all the way there and we talked the whole way. When I'm talking to him, I really don't think about what I say. I just blabber on mindlessly. [And is this a good romantic tactic, Sheila?]

He was saying, "Today after school, I have to get to Smithfield by 3." He obviously wanted me to ask why he was going to Smithfield, so I inquired, "Why?" And he explained that there was a rehearsal for the All-State Band. Not thinking, I blurted, "Oh, when is that? Can I come and see you?" (Don't be too obvious now or anything.) He said, "Sure you can come, but I don't know when it is yet ... I'm looking forward to it. It'll be the first time when I get to play with a band that really amounts to anything." He grinned down at me. I glanced around to see if Nick, J., Justin or anyone else from band was around. I said, "Ssssh!" He shrugged. "I know a lot of kids feel that way. I mean, I've been playing ever since junior high but you really can't consider that anything of musical worth ..." I was laughing. The junior high band is the target of many jokes.

At this point April and Peter were running around and cracking all the ice in the frozen footprints. David grinned at me and said, "I always used to do that ..." [ahhhh, he speaks like a wise old sage, looking back on his boyhood days of frivolity! The dude was 17 years old! Ha!!] "I'd be 10 minutes late to everything cause I had to crush all the ice footprints." My heart pounded. He reveals parts of himself to me - I can't believe I'm walking along talking to him!

We were walking along the sidewalk. I had just asked Peter what his utopia was. We had to create our own Utopia for class. [hahahahaha We had just read the book, I remember that project now. I also remember how we all created "utopias" and the teacher repeatedly would point out the flaws in our utopias ... showing us that what we had really created was a sterile fascist totalitarian society. It was a great class project.] Peter explained his utopia to me. There was a population cap of 3,000 or something and if they went over that then people had to migrate. David interjected, "Yeah, mine was just like that. If the population exceeded 1,000 people were encouraged to jump off cliffs." I groaned. "My utopia is so stupid" I said. Then he said something like, "Do you really care what she thinks about you?" [Meaning: the teacher] I said, "I liked Mr. Crothers, though." He nodded, "Oh yeah, the Crud's great. Probably one of my best teachers. I really learned a lot in his class." I sat there nodding. I really did agree with him though.

It was so wicked. [haha. Not wicked cool or wicked awesome - just WICKED] We were walking together! I felt so weird - a weird feeling, but I liked it.

Occasionally Kate or J. would turn around just to see if we were still talking. They were far ahead of us - I don't know what they were talking about - but I felt weird anyway.

Then we started talking about Freshman Honors English and how dumb it was. MS. P. She just got married - she's keeping the MS. and always corrects you if you say "Mrs" or whatever. All sorts of rumors are going on about her - she had a kid out of wedlock or something. [Oh my God, listen to you gossip! And yes - the fact that she wants to be called 'Ms' is SO UNBELIEVABLY SUSPICIOUS that there HAS to be an illegitimate baby in the picture!!!] David was telling me about what he heard - something about a freshman student and the baby - I got a thrill out of this.

Don't ask me about these odd things I have. For instance: I would love to watch Davide tie his shoe, or button his shirt, or clean his glasses. I know they have to get dirty sometime! He got a haircut - he looks so spiffy and GORGEOUS! God, I imagine him as the scissors clip away! [holy crap!! How embarrassing!] Okay, I am obsessed!!

We got to the alleys - I walked in - he was right behind me so as I walked in I sort of held the door so he could take it. Our fingers brushed against each other. I wonder if he even noticed.

Well, bowling was positively heaven. HEAVEN! Fate was once again looking over me. The alleys are set up so that it goes in 2s - 2 lanes, one desk with 2 spaces for scoring - each one has a semicircle of seats around it - [Dude, that's the setup of every bowling alley from here to Outer Mongolia] So it's 2 pairs of kids in each section. Well. It was me and April - and - by some freak chance - David and Jeff. I was so excited. My heart was pounding. I was praying fervently, Thank you! Thank you! [God, up in heaven, dealing with issues like war and poverty and natural disaster, hears my prayer and is like: Wait ... what is she thanking me for? For placing David beside her at the bowling alley???]

It was GREAT! I got on my shoes - I was sitting right next to David as we both took off our normal shoes and put on the ugly bowling ones. I found myself glancing down inconspicuously at his socks - his white wonderful socks! Something is definitely wrong with me.

I did so awfully bowling-wise. I wonder why. I got a 45. Diary, a 45! That means that every other try I got a gutter ball. I didn't CARE though!!

Sometimes April would be taking her turn and so would Jeff so David and I would be sitting side by side, scoring - his pencil didn't work so we shared a pencil. Yes, we shared my pencil! [Why don't you guys just get married immediately??] I loved how he handed it to me. He showed me once again how to score spares and strikes. I wonder if he watched me while I was bowling. God, I hope not! I sure watched him.

OH GOD! [God, in heaven, dealing with tornadoes and explosions and famines, is distracted by my cry ... "who's that calling me? Oh ... HER again?"]

One time he had 3 pins left to knock over - he rolled the ball, it knocked over the 2 in front of the third and the last one remained standing. He looked really perplexed as he came to sit next to me. "I don't understand how that is possible. If the ball is rolling straight ... how can it ..." We were laughing about it. He looked at his score sheet. "I have 5 9s on my sheet." I said, "That's better than 9 5s."

I killed my wrist - David asked me how I was holding the ball so I showed him and he said, "No - use the middle finger and the fourth." It seemed like whenever he knocked down another nine pins, he'd turn around and look at me. I was having the blast of my life. The blast.

Diary, sometimes I think my spool is unwinding. [what???? There is no segue here - we go right into unwinding spools!] My mother says I am a strong person, but am I? I do not feel strong. I want to be but - if some great absolute tragedy came over me - like if I were paralyzed or went blind - how would I handle it? Sometimes I want to be tested fiercely - see what I'm made of. I feel so - sort of fragile sometimes - like one more incident and I'll go berserk. Every now and then I go berserk - I mean, like crying all night, lying in my room, crying more - but I know that my life will be a struggle. And in a way, that's good. I've said before: I don't want to drift through life. I won't drift. But will I be able to take it? I feel so helpless sometimes when I think of all the years of pain and suffering I might be facing. Greater pain than what I am feeling now. How will I deal with it? Can I grow? Who am I? Oh, it is an important question and I need to know.

All Diary Fridays here

Posted by sheila | TrackBack