The Sheila Variations

Diary Friday

Not a typical entry, and some of these quotes have made it onto the blog before. In the back of each journal I keep (and I don't really keep a journal anymore, but that's beside the point) - I list funny things people have said, quotes, etc - things I love and want to remember but don't necessarily want to write an entire entry about. Some of these quotes make me laugh so hard now that I can barely speak. It's even funnier to see them out of context. These quotes are all from 1997 - a big year. I was in the thick of grad school - acting - so it's ALL about acting for me (although many of these quotes have nothing to do with acting). My mentor at school, my greatest acting teacher and friend - is the "Sam" below - who shows up so repeatedly. Every Friday we had a horrifying workshop called the P/D Unit (the Playwriters/Directors Unit) - modeled on the same thing done at the Actors Studio. The playwrights in the program would bring in work they had been writing - the directors would be assigned (or jostle for positionn in front of projects they thought might have legs) - and the actors would be the guinea pigs. Some of these projects went on to great success - either as thesis projects, or as productions out in the real world. So the stakes were high - you couldn't be lackadaisacle in the PD Unit. You had to look around, figure out which projects were good - and do your best to be in them. Many times that was not difficult. Good plays are not a dime a dozen and most of the stuff we worked on in PD Unite was crap. But boy, there were a few gems. I was lucky enough to get into two of them - but not without a lot of sturm und drang and sleepless nights and all that. Ambition, you know. But you take a bunch of stressed out people - who spend the majority of their time with one another - and then you add the fact that everyone's an artist - and then you put them all in a room - for an entire day - where all you do is perform, and talk, and perform again ... it can make for some hilarity. Sam was the head of our PD Unit. The guy is a genius. But he also does not stand on ceremony. He had no problem with saying, after a scene was done, "Well, that really bored me." Because, when you think about it: boredom is very important. To quote John Strasberg, son of Lee Strasberg: "Boredom is very important in life. It lets you know when something is wrong." So when Sam was bored, he didn't think: "I am being rude, I need to pay better attention." No. Because who wants to see a play where you have to fight with your own boredom? Sam would be like, "That was boring. Let's find out what's wrong." He was hilarious, too. (Is, I should say).

Not all of these quotes are from the PD Unit - but the "Sam" ones always are. 1997. A crazy year.

My dear friends will recognize themselves here as well.

1997 QUOTES

"Do whatever you want to do. Just don't have a rod up your ass and think you're playing Shaw." - Sam

"Somebody needs to call him up and tell him he's an asshole!" - Maria W. on Scott Hamilton

"Are we still not allowed to be naked in school?" - Kara

"I'm glad you're back ... even though I didn't know you were gone." - Ann

"M. and I were not really made for public viewing. We were a private exhibit. Invitation Only." - Me

"Who the hell is Tex Watson?" - Barbara

"SLUGWORTH." - Ann

"When she styled it, I looked like Sylvia Plath in her college years." - Maria M.

"You mean ... Hamlet gets in the elevator ... but he won't go down?" - Leslie

"I need to get some new cuss words. I want to start using words like 'asshole' and 'bitch.'" - Stephen

"...his snowbeard penis." - Jackie

"Buhsh 'n Pudding ..." - Shelagh, trying to say "button pushing"

"Speaking of surly and disrespectful, where is Kara?" - Sam

Quote from Gingerbread Lady: "My apartment is on a sublet from Mary Todd Lincoln."

Sam: "If you do a high-class piece that lays an egg, no one will think: 'Boy, that's a high-class broad.'"

Sam: "I wouldn't care if you had them do it on pogo sticks."

Sam to D.: "To whatever degree you can get it up, try to create some authentic misery."

Sam: "Method acting the stereotype is eyeballing your partner, mumbling, breaking up your sentences in illogical ways. You can be 100% full of shit and be a Method actor."

Sam: "I studied with Strasberg for 21 years and I never felt that gave me the license to be an asshole."
Michael: "So where'd you get your license then?"

"So I want you to operate out of complete panic." - Gene

"I'm on a roll! I'm on a very second-rate roll here!" - Sam

"It's a great mistake to try to be original." - Sam

"Acting is not a relaxing job." - Sam

"So. You've just heard from the portobellos ..." - Sam

"I had a bolt of stress that you didn't know where he worked. Literally. I had a bolt of stress .... You know, for the coma contingency." - Ann

Me to Wade: "So I went to the Book Fair ..."
Wade burst into laughter.
Wade: "I love you, Sheila."
Me: "Oh, Wade. I love you too."

"If I could say goodbye to you in Rebus form I would ..." - Me to Ann

"I wish there was such a thing as Open Boob Night." - Brooke

"Where Alan Thicke meets Frankenstein ..." - Ann

"Will you marry me. Let's get married, Sheila." - Michael - Las Vegas. New Year's. 1997.

"And then Tim hugged me." Long pause. "Well, electronically." - Ann

"She puts marshmallows on brownies!" - Maria's indictment of Jo

"She then plunged a dagger into my heart. Literally. She impaled me with her horns." - Ann

"Honey Nut Clusters, steamed squash, and red wine ..." - Jen, describing our nights at home

"I always get cast as the eunuch or the fool." - John

Kevin: "I just said 'Fuck it'."
Pause.
Robert: "Which is Latin for 'Be Free!'"

"Relaxation should not be a spectacle." - Sam

Me: "What about Adam?"
Ann: "Oh please. That rumor has already been squelched."

"And then, of course, there was the Bo Deans debacle ..." - Me to Kate

"Hoffman's won Oscars playing morons and bums." - Sam

"Once you get to my stage, you have no standards, and you just feel grateful to still be standing here!" - Sam

"It seems to me, Rodney, that the importance of the hyoid bone is in having one." - Robert

Shelagh: "Isn't it true that Meryl Streep used to throw up before she used to go onstage?"
Cheryl: "Yeah, but that's because she was drunk."
Shelagh: "Oh! Okay! Thanks for clearing that up for me!"

"I am so charmed by him that I can barely sleep." - Mitchell on Scott Wolf

"Who do I have to fuck to get out of here is what I want to know." - Sam

"What am I - the Profiler?" - Mere

"This is so Cohort One." - Matt

Discussion about Kenneth Branagh's Frankenstein:
Maria: "What annoyed me was that he called the movie 'Mary Shelley's Frankenstein' when it clearly should have been called 'My Chest.'"

"A half-hour where you stink is no great shakes." - Sam

Posted by sheila | TrackBack