The Square Pegs Pilot: In Hot Pursuit of Popularity and Larry Simpson- Part Two

We left off at the halfway mark, after Patty fills Lauren in on the most amazing experience of her life – “fainting on Larry Simpson”. She can be forgiven for exaggerating. She is 14.

Patty and Lauren have been volunteered (by Muffy) to make decorations for the freshman dance. They sit after school and paint posters, and all Lauren can talk about is Larry Simpson and how he LIKES Patty and how they have to somehow work this, because there is no time like the present! AS they are talking, naturally – who walks into the room but Larry Simpson. In gym shorts, help me Jesus.

Lauren sees Larry and his friend come closer and, more aggressive than Patty, calls out to him. Instead of being a douche, and rolling his eyes and strolling by, he sees that Lauren is sitting with Patty, and says, “Hi!” in a nice heart-cracking way that I, personally, would totally have misinterpreted as a 14-year-old, thinking he obviously liked me if he said “Hi” in that manner. Actually, I might mis-interpret it now too! He and Patty have a bond now. He stops to chat, which is even worse (and by “worse” I mean “better”), because he obviously wants to be there. Lauren is both just googly-eyed up at him and his friend.

Larry says something to his friend like, “This is the girl I told you about … Patty …”

THE GIRL I TOLD YOU ABOUT?

DON’T PLAY WITH MY HEART, BEN MARLEY!!

He’s humorous and nice and makes Patty repeat “that funny thing you said the other day …” In that moment, he’s building her up. He’s making her repeat something that made him laugh, to his friend.

This is all just soul-crushing.

Patty is on the moon. She says “that funny thing” again, and Larry Simpson laughs again and says, appreciatively, almost intimately, “You have such an unusual mind.”

Where is the fork? I need to plunge it into my solar plexus.

But then Lauren, whose social skills leave a bit to be desired, butts in. She can’t help herself. As a grown woman I would call this moment a “cock block”, and I believe that it is essential to have female friends who intuitively understand what a cock block is, and why you should not do it … it’s just a sense that should be developed by the time you’re an adult. Seriously. Bump it up the priority list if you don’t have it down-pat, because nobody likes a cock-blocker. Anyway, Lauren doesn’t mean any harm (many cock blockers don’t – that’s the worst part – and Lauren’s too young to really get it yet) – but Patty and Larry are having a nice (to quote Eddie Izzard) “splashy-splashy” moment, when Lauren blurts out, “Larry, are you going to the dance?” all breathless and agog.

It stops the action. It interrupts. It is not on topic. The cock is blocked.

That’s a no-no, Lauren.

Oh, and just in case you think I’m being too hard on the poor hapless cock-blockers, on one or two awkward occasions I have actually cock-blocked myself, so I do understand the problem. But get it together, and GET OUT OF THE WAY. I have often thought that my friends Ann Marie and Mitchell should give seminars (together) on how NOT to cock-block. They could make a killing. They bring not only non-cock-blocking but encouragement of the friend’s romantic action going on to a high art form. It’s sometimes impossible NOT to get laid when you go out with those two. They set you up as the funniest coolest person in the world, and then disappear into the night, leaving you to navigate the situation yourself. Brilliant!

Anyway, there’s an awkward shrieking-on of the brakes when Lauren blurts out her comment, and you can see everyone awkwardly dealing with it. Larry Simpson says, “Yeah, sure …”

Lauren gushes, “We’ll see you there!”

It’s one of those weird high school moments where you can totally tell that one group is 14 years old and one group is 18 years old. From a long-distance view, all teenagers may seem the same, but don’t you remember on the ground when you were 14 and those senior classmen seemed like ADULTS? Like, they had RAZORS in their bathrooms and stuff like that. You were just a KID who still had teddy bears.

Larry says, “Okay …” Again, he’s nice to Lauren. He’s not a douche, even though he probably can see what she is up to. He doesn’t say, “Yeah, you wish you’d see me there …” He nods and says, “Okay.” But, inevitably, his eyes drag back to Patty.

Let us revel in the moment.

For as long as possible.

I’m guessing Patty feels the same way I do.

Granted, it’s not the iconic American-male-movie-star hotness-with-years-of-similar-images-behind-it of something like this:

But in Square Pegs, he’s playing a different kind of character, a regular boy from the suburbs, good at school, nice, obviously plays soccer, and cute as hell.

He then says the fateful words, “See you there”, and strolls off with his friend, leaving the girls in a state of complete emotional dishevelment (and poor Marshall, who has to look on at the drool-fest going on).

Look at them watch him go!

Of course Patty and Lauren are whipped up into a frenzy about the words “See you there” which seems to hold some kind of … promise?

Oh, girls. Watch out.

Change of scene, change of cock. Marshall and Johnny Slash are in the listening library at the school (well – Johnny Slash is listening to Devo or something), and Lauren and Patty are strategizing about how to get to the dance, and how romantic it will be. They actually believe that Patty is going TO the dance with Larry. At some point, Marshall comes up, and with many a “but seriously folks” interjection, asks Lauren to the dance. She is openly dismayed. She is at the point where Patty’s life is far more important to her than her own. But they end up agreeing to go to the dance with Marshall and Johnny (who has a car), as long as Marshall and Johnny agree to stand six paces behind them at all times, like Prince Philip. Hahahaha Poor Marshall and Johnny agree to that. Johnny appears to be terrified of girls, in general. He may have a cool exterior, but inside he is a trembly mess.

Now, finally, the dance. The sad foursome stand out on the steps of the school, and they are all basically waiting for Larry Simpson to show up. Horrible! God, it brings me back to how embarrassing I could be in high school, waiting around for some dude to walk by, so I could maybe have eye contact with him and then write 20 pages about it in my diary.

Johnny Slash has completely divorced himself from the situation (what a shock), and is deeply engrossed in the music coming out of his headphone. Lauren and Patty peer off eagerly into the night. Marshall is still hopeful that the wind will swing his way, so he murmurs to Johnny that eventually they’ll probably get to dance with Lauren and Patty. Johnny freaks out. “Dance? With them? I don’t dance. I’m New Wave. Totally different head. Totally.” Marshall, again stuck in the days of Sid Caesar, tries to teach Johnny how to dance, and they do an awkward waltz up and down the steps, much to Lauren’s mortification.

Where is Larry? Why is he not coming?

Then the most romantic heart-stopping shot in the whole pilot.

Not just because it’s Ben Marley, and he’s running his fingers through his hair, but because I remember what it was like to be 14, and LIVING for a certain dance, because maybe I would see that upper classman I was so smitten with, and I had no classes with him, no interactions … but at a dance, I could actually be in his presence in a social situation and maybe … just maybe …?

Damn Square Pegs for giving me flashbacks like that. They really are rather unpleasant.

Lauren gives Patty advice on what to say – that his presence makes her stomach go into butterflies, that “we will remember this night for the rest of our lives”, and other such balderdash, and then drags Johnny and Marshall off, leaving Patty alone on the steps.

Larry, unaware of the brou-haha that he has caused, casually strolls up the steps in his washed-up 18th-century-French-literature professor’s blazer … and he’s not looking for anyone (because, you know, he knows he’s NOT on a date) so he almost walks right by Patty, and she calls out to him, “Hi, Larry!”

Awkward!

He’s a smart guy (that’s set up in how he’s talked about), so he has a moment where he realizes what’s happened. That she’s standing on the steps forlornly waiting for him. But because he’s also nice, he doesn’t cringe away from her, or play it cool, or any of those other things that would crush her even more. He’s nice. He stops and they have a sweet interaction. She’s not wearing her glasses, and he comments on it. She pretends like she only wears the glasses “for reading sometimes”, and he says, “You look nice” – in a way that has to be seen to realize its effectiveness. (Again, imagine you are an un-kissed geeky 14-year-old … very important.) She, freaked out, blurts back, “You look nice, too” and he starts laughing and makes some self-deprecating comment about his clothes, although he DOESN’T say, “Yeah, my dad is a professor of 18th-century-French-literature and I borrowed his blazer.”

He then says, “Well, we might as well go in, right?” As though they are together, pitter pat, and in they go. You like him. You feel bad for Patty. Life will go on.

Inside the dance is going on. I can’t get over the music or the outfits. It’s awesome. The Waitresses haven’t shown up yet for their gig (they’re such rock stars), and Muffy is getting very angry about that. The same dude in the full American Indian regalia is STILL in the full American Indian regalia dancing around, and he is the background of almost every shot, and it’s hilarious!

Larry doesn’t just ditch Patty when they walk in. They stand there together. It’s the most exciting thing ever. Larry has the vibe of one of those guys in high school (again, calling Keith M.) – who was at the top of the peak, yet somehow still had a foot out of high school, giving him a better perspective. He knew there were more important things. That how you treat each other is what really matters. That life would go on after high school. Unlike those who truly believed that this was the most crucial time of their lives. Maybe it’s being a senior, but I think there’s more to it. Like the way he looks around at the dance. He’s not making fun of it, but there’s a part of him that does look around and find it all rather funny. That is SUCH a relaxing energy when you are a square peg underclassman and everything is so important!

So then Jami Gertz has her big moment introducing The Waitresses, on they all come, and they start to play “I Know What Boys Like”. The place freaks out and everyone starts dancing. Except for Patty and Larry who kind of look on, chatting about nothing. He’s being kind and sweet, and asking her if she wants a soda. She is awkward and bumbly, and making no sense at all. Meanwhile, Lauren watches like a hawk from across the gym, peering through the crowd.

Ah, memories!

At one point Larry says, “I like this song” (you know, the man is desperate for conversation at this point – but he takes it easy, not giving her a hard time – he’s doing all the work as she bumbles about) – and she gushes, “Me too!” even though she probably doesn’t even know what the song is.

One of my favorite moments that Ben Marley has in the episode is while the two of them are talking (with the American Indian war-whooping in the background). He asks Patty if she would like a soda, and in the middle of his comment, you can see him see something across the room, and it cracks him up. He tries to hide it – hand up over mouth – but it’s too late. He says, “Uh … I think your friend is trying to get your attention.”

Cut to Lauren standing on the bleechers, waving and gesticulating at her like a maniac. Like – she can’t WAIT for the update – she must have it now!!! But I just like how he catches a glimpse of the wind-mill-esque motions across the gym, knows exactly what’s going on (it’s nice to see a boy not be contemptuous of girls and how they operate, and treat it all with a bit of friendliness), and he tries not to laugh, but you know, she looks ludicrous so he can’t help it.

It’s MORTIFYING. Sarah Jessica Parker is MORTIFIED that her friend is making such a scene. But what is she to do? Windmill-arm her back, “LEAVE US ALONE. STOP COCK-BLOCKING”?? She cringes!

Larry Simpson, good boy, jokes, “Do you think she wants a soda too?”

Patty doesn’t even know what she is saying … the moment, so precious, is already slipping away. God, don’t we all remember what that is like? She says, “She doesn’t even drink soda!” and he looks at her with a nice expression, like, Okay, okay, it’s okay, Patty … and he exits the scene, to go get them some sodas, but also to allow the frantic friend to rush over and get the update. He gets it.

You know, it’s moments of kindness like that that can make the wilderness of high school not seem so hostile.

Lauren then races over demanding to know if he has kissed her yet. Patty is horrified. “We just GOT here!” But she needs her friend and says, “Okay, quickly – what am I supposed to say to him again?” And Lauren launches into the butterflies in stomach and “we will remember this night for the rest of our lives” monologue. Patty nods, trying to burn it into her brain. Okay, got it. Larry returns, without sodas, and Lauren dashes off to leave them alone. Subtle!

Larry does NOT have sodas when he returns, and by now it’s a slow song. They stand there, side by side, not speaking for a while.

It’s killer. It killed me as a 14 year old … that moment BEFORE something really happens. (Please look for the Indian doing his thing in the background. It kills me.)

Then he says, as though the thought just occurred to him, “Hey, you want to dance?”

She gushes, “Sure!”

Best moment of her life.

They dance. They don’t speak. She is obviously madly in love with him, and he … well, here’s what I think. He meant what he said earlier in the episode. He loves her mind. He thinks she’s a kick. He’s a smart guy, and he likes her smarts. He finds her amusing. And maybe, somewhere, he thinks she’s cute too. (The way he said “You look nice” tells me that). He’s aware that she is crush-ing on him big time, and so instead of being a dick to her about it, he is kind. He basically ignores her awkwardness, letting her get herself together, without punishing her for it … and is kind and sweet in the face of someone else’s insane regard for him. So. Basically what I’m trying to say is he is playing all of that as he dances with her. He’s not “just” dancing with her, or staring over her shoulder. He’s thinking about something. Best kind of acting. It doesn’t matter if you’re in a Pepto Bismol commercial or a Woody Allen movie. Think about something when you’re acting. Especially on film where it is always the thought that counts.

Hmmm.

All of this is reminding me of something else.

What could it be?

Oh, yeah.

Not quite as palpitatingly hot and tormented, but just as sweet.

Patty, however, cannot just be in the moment. Of course she can’t. She’s 14. She’s out of her MIND. She doesn’t know you need to hold onto moments primarily by letting them be. She tries to force her hand. Basically so that she won’t have to break the news to Lauren that she didn’t say the right words.

She breaks the slow dance (and this is a very nice scene coming up, very nicely written), and says, in an overly dramatic voice, “Larry, we will remember this life for the rest of our nights.”

He stops and says, “What?”

Uh-oh. She got her one line wrong.

Instead of correcting herself, or digging herself in deeper, she steps back away from him a little bit and basically pleads (and it’s a lovely moment, very cathartic and high school-ish), “Well, don’t you have that feeling??”

Good for you, Patty. Speak your truth. YOUR truth, not Lauren’s.

Now comes Larry’s moment in the sun and I’m sure this is why he was brought back for a later episode. His sweetness here is hard to describe without making it sound … schmaltzy … sweet is not the word, anyway. I know I keep saying “kind”, but that’s the word-clue that keeps coming up for me. I am also remembering who I was when I first saw it, ostracized and pudgy, and feeling such a sense of self-loathing that I would NEVER approach a guy to ask him to dance, or whatever. I was disgusting to myself. It makes me want to cry, looking back on it. Over the next couple of years of high school, there were, indeed, boys who were kind to me in my distress over them. They handled me gently (or as gently as they could, being only 16 themselves), and I will always appreciate that. They all turned me down, I had no success in high school, and finally – my senior year in high school started dating a 22 year old guy – which seemed my only hope! That turned into a major tragedy too, but my milieu was obviously not high school. I just couldn’t get a grip on ANYthing.

So Larry here, and how he sees how flustered and upset she is, and instead of backing off from it – decides to speak directly to it – really made an impression on me.

He sees her face, pauses, and then says, “Patty – when you were out front on the steps … were you waiting for me?”

Horrifying. She exclaims in defense, “No!”

He doesn’t say anything (again, a kind moment – he lets her defend herself without scoffing at her or saying, “You were too, Patty, come on”), and she then caves and says, “Yes.” She’s already near tears.

Here comes the nicely written scene, which – naturally – I remembered almost word for word. The time is now, he has to be honest with this poor girl, so he starts to say,

“Look, I don’t know how to say this, but …” when she interrupts, she can’t help it, saying, “I thought you liked me!”

He says (and I believe every word – that’s the gift Ben Marley brought to this nothing little part. You have to believe him – otherwise he’s just another high school douchebag and we’ve all seen them before), “I do like you. It’s just that I’m seeing somebody else.” Gentle, gentle … he knows it will hurt her.

Again, if you roll your eyes at this stuff totally then you miss so much. How often in life do I wish I had been let down just a little bit easier. With some understanding on the part of the man that this is going to hurt, and I’m sorry … It’s nice, you know?

She’s really in it now, not trying to protect herself or play it cool, and she says, “Who?”

He says (and he does that thing guys do that kills me – his eyes kind of roam over her hair, her face, back to her eyes – it’s hot, frankly – and tender), “You don’t know her. She’s in college.” Terrible line for Patty to hear! How can one compete with a girl in college? He’s REALLY a man! She can’t speak, lowers her head, and he lifts up her chin with his hand. Ouch. Says, “You’re not gonna cry, are you?”

I DIED watching this as a teenager. DIED.

She replies, “Yes. I mean no.”

He’s gentle, he feels bad. He starts to say, “I never meant to make you think that -” and this is when Patty gets herself together, starts to channel Lauren (who obviously loves old movies) and starts to put poor Larry at ease. She stands taller and exclaims, “Larry, you needn’t reproach yourself. I understand perfectly. I’ve had some experience with this sort of thing before, you know.”

He doesn’t laugh. He says, “Really?” She nods, reassuring him. She is a woman of the world. She can handle this! Again, he doesn’t laugh at her. He says (and this is a heart-cracker of a line – totally sincere, but what a knife in the heart): “Because I think you’re a terrific kid with a lot of potential.”

Kid?? But how nice he is there. And that’s not an easy line to pull off and make it sound like, yeah, Larry Simpson says shit like that, and THAT is why he is popular – but Ben Marley pulls it off. He means it. But “kid”? Throw me in the open grave right now.

I love this next line of Patty’s, because she channels Now Voyager (hmm, a connecting link to Bette Davis!): “Don’t give it another thought. Why ask for the moon when we have the stars?”

Now he feels it’s safe to smile. She’s being very dramatic, but not obnoxious, and he appreciates her. It’s okay to appreciate her. Killer closeup of him staring at her, with a strange mixture of tenderness, humor, and “if you were four years older” regret – and he says, “You certainly have an unusual mind for a kid your age.”

She is sad but brave, and says, “I think I’ll go join my friend now.” and turns to leave when he says (and it’s startling), “Patricia …”

Out of nowhere, he calls her “Patricia”. Patricia? What a grown-up name, after he’s been calling her a “kid” for five minutes.

Nice writing. Nice touch.

She stops, and he walks over to her and slowly bends down and kisses her on the cheek, lingering there for a bit, and when he pulls back from kissing her, this sort of calm happy light comes over her face – and as he walks off, you can see Lauren dash over to get all the details (“I wish he wore lipstick so we could see the exact place where his lips touched your flesh!”) … but what was nice about the moment was that he made turning her down into a work of art, where he actually left her in a better spot than where she was before. He was tender enough that she would never be humiliated in looking back on it, he was honest with her, and then, out of nowhere, he calls her “Patricia”, intimating, “some day, kid, some day …”

Afterwards, although Patty is crushed, and Lauren is now plotting their next move … they decide to finally allow poor Marshall and Johnny (who have been trailing around behind them like Prince Philip all night) to dance with them, and the pilot closes with the four square pegs gyrating around to the Waitresses … they will survive!