What happens when Alex gets nervous

Alex came and stayed with me for the last 24 hours. She had an audition for the Broadway musical of Priscilla Queen of the Desert. Her first Broadway audition. Very exciting. I picked her up at 11:30 Monday morning in Manhattan. Her audition was at 3:15. I drove us back to my place. We hung out, we had bagels, everything was normal, until all hell broke loose about 2 hours before her audition. I filmed much of it, which I am sure will be unearthed sooner or later. She looked like a million bucks, stalking around my apartment, but SHE was not IN her eyes. I looked at the eyes of my good friend and no longer saw HER. She was PANICKED. She was in the bathroom doing her hair and makeup and there was silence for about 15 minutes. I puttered around, living my life. Suddenly I heard her scream, “I AM SO FUCKING SCARED.” I was driving her in to her audition. I would randomly give her time checks, “We have to leave in 20 minutes” which would cause a frenzy of true and sincere panic. Then the panic would descend into random self-loathing, where she would say stuff like, “I hate myself.” I would burst into laughter.

We left so much time to get to the audition that we arrived at the casting office AN HOUR EARLY. We stood across the street from the building, and I said stuff like, “This is so exciting” and she would reply, “Are you on crack? This is not exciting.” We had this exchange repeatedly. We filmed ourselves. We filmed the people coming out of the building. Alex kept saying, “Why do they look so CALM?”

But here, for me, was the pinnacle of Alex Being Nervous. I’ve never been WITH her when she’s like this. We’ve been friends for years now, but this was a new Alex. She was, at times, utterly unreachable. It was like trying to break through to someone in a catatonic state. She chain-smoked like a dragon. She would suddenly burst forth her inner monologue of, “What am I DOING? Who do I think I AM?” And I kept saying, “Dude, you’re gonna be great. I bet you’re gonna GET this thing.”

Before I get to the pinnacle let me say this: Alex is nothing if not articulate. She is a teacher, after all. And a writer and actress. She can talk about anything. I have had brilliant and engaging conversations with her about politics, religion, Grizzly Man, social upheaval, the history of acting, Buster Keaton, Ronald Reagan, Fred Phelps, and any other topic under the sun. We have talked about blogging and also the kind of coffee we like. We have discussed sex and Tyne Daly and high school dances. Sometimes in a 20-minute period. And in all of this, she is never less than totally articulate.

But here was an exchange we had as we stood across the street FOR AN HOUR, basically stalking the building she was about to enter.

She fired at me, as though I were her personal assistant (and on this day, I was), “What floor is it on?”

I said, “The 10th.”

She looked up at the office building which was only about 12 stories high. Not a huge skyscraper or anything. And she said, and I quote, “It’s so high!”

That’s when I truly realized that a panicked CYBORG had hijacked my friend.

The 10th is “so high”? It is? Compared to what? A 98 floor building? Also, what does that have to do with anything? Will it make your audition any different? Would you feel differently about it if the casting office was on the 3rd floor?

I started laughing hysterically, and am still laughing.

“The 10th.”
“It’s so high!”

Yes, Alex, it is. But … is it really? And what does that have to do WITH ANYTHING??

Finally, we couldn’t stand it any longer and we went inside, up to the atmospherically thin level of the 10th floor – I almost got VERTIGO because of how HIGH UP WE WERE – and she signed in (she’ll tell the story of what happened there), and then we sat down to wait. Surrounded by gay dancer boys, who all knew each other, waiting to audition for chorus parts, and a smattering of hottie women and only one, count ’em, ONE, transgendered person. Rock the house, Alex. And she did. She said it was one of the best auditions she’s ever had.

I’ll let her tell it from there, but I just had to get in my version of Alex’s nerves, and how suddenly my articulate friend could think of nothing better to say than, “It’s so high!!”

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8 Responses to What happens when Alex gets nervous

  1. Kerry says:

    I cannot WAIT to hear more!!

  2. Dave E. says:

    “It’s so high!”

    Well, was she talking about the floor you had to go to, or was she really talking about Broadway?

  3. red says:

    That’s the point. She had no idea WHAT she was saying, or why. Yet she kept talking.

    Nerves.

  4. Emily says:

    That’s some serious enturbulation.

  5. siobhan says:

    “it’s so high!”

    laughing so hard

  6. nightfly says:

    So high you can’t get over it, so low you can’t get under it… People, she’s talkin’ about the Psychidelic Shack…

  7. alexandra says:

    The video is coming.

    Sheila…you’re HILARIOUS on it!!!

    Wait. Just wait.

  8. willam says:

    I hope she gets it too. i love your blog. i read it last night until my contacts got all dry

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