1. Me: “God, that’s so weird. I just mentioned that song to you – and now it’s playing on the radio! Isn’t that so weird??”
Him: “Not weird at all. Sheer coincidence.”
Me: “Thanks for the sunshine, pal.”
Him: “Who loves ya, baby.”
2. Me: “Give me the keys to your car. NOW.”
Him: “There are traction issues you can’t understand.”
3. Him: “I had some gumbo once. It was really good. You remind me of that. You are some really good gumbo.”
4. Him: “You just looked nervous and lost. Why?”
Me: “I did? No, I didn’t.”
Him: “Yes, you did. You just looked around like you felt insecure.”
Me: ” …”
Him: “You should never have that look on your face when you’re with me.”
5. Him: “What the hell are you wearing.”
Me: “A dress.”
Him: “The skirt is so short I can practically see your Si Señor.”
6. Him, 3 years in: “I know sign language.”
Me: “Why am I just learning this now?”
7. Him, 4 years in: “You’re funny.”
Me: “You’re just realizing this now?”
Him: “No, I mean, you’re really funny.”
8. Him: “When I met you, I thought you were one way. You gave off a vibe. But then when we hooked up I realized, ‘Oh. She’s not that way at all.’ But I felt that you wanted to change, you wanted to be different. For whatever reason, I didn’t know what it was but I figured you did and if you wanted to work out your shit with me then fine.”
Long long pause.
Me: “You actually got all that back then?”
Him: “Yeah.”
Me: “And you didn’t think it was a burden? Like I was way ‘too much’?”
Him: “Nah. I felt like I hit the jackpot.”
9. Me: [sobbing hysterically]
Him: [holding me, smoking a cigarette, patting my shoulder] “Come on now. Stop that.”
10. Me: “You went like this: ‘Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.'”
Him: “WHAT? I did not.”
Me: “Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.”
Him: “WHAT?”
Me: “Yeah. You left that ‘Tsk Tsk’ on my answering machine.”
Him: “What a fucking DOUCHEBAG.”
Me: “No! It was amazing. I felt like you were telling me to get my head straight about us.”
Long long pause.
Him: “That is literally the most generous interpretation possible for me being a hungover asshole.”
Me: “But I was right, though, wasn’t I.”
No response.
Me: “I was right.”
Him: “Yeah. You were.”
(This deserves its own post some day.)
11: Him: “Sheila, you could write a novel about the last 5 minutes.”
12. Him: “Your armpit should win a beauty contest.”
13. Him (4 dates in): “I keep waiting for you to have problems with me.”
Me: “Like what?”
Him: “I don’t know. Everyone has problems with me. Women especially.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “I’m not saying everyone’s wrong. I don’t know. People have problems with me for all kinds of valid reasons.”
Me: “I don’t have any problems with you.”
Him: “I know. Why not?”
Me: “I’m sick of this conversation.”
14. Him: “I feel like there’s not a word evolved enough for what we are.”
15. Him: “Trust is more important than true love. I don’t trust anyone. But I trust you.”
Thank God we found each other. Who else could deal with either of us, really.
