Diary Friday

The continuing stoooooory of Sheila’s fall semester in senior year of high school. heh heh I know … what is more important than THIS?? Whatever, I’m happy with my blog, and what I blog about. So. To re-cap: I asked TS to the Homecoming Dance. He said yes. Thanksgiving happened – I had a 3 day break from Picnic rehearsals, and all HELL BROKE LOOSE.

NOVEMBER 23

It seems like every time I write, my mood or my attitudes have changed. If I had written right after the dance, I would have been writing in an ecstatic happy mood. But then on Thanksgiving came the Homecoming Football Game and everything changed. [hahahaha Ain’t that always the way] Now I’m just really pissed off.

Okay. I had a pretty good time at the dance. It was very strange. I wore my dad’s huge maroon sweater (that I love like I love my dark glasses), my pearls, my green and maroon 40s style skirt, and my grey flats. I love the outfit cause the sweater is long, the skirt is too – I look very thin, and languid – almost like the pictures you see of women in the 20s. It’s comfortable too.

I wasn’t even nervous for the dance. Diary – everything changed after Tuesday, which I still have to tell. I almost didn’t want to go to the dance. I actually looked at it as though it were an ordeal to plow through. I wasn’t psyched. It was just a void in my mind.

My life! I mean, Saturday and Sunday were so TS oriented – and then Tuesday – Tuesday was so Brett oriented it was unbelievable. Tuesday still feels so great. I have been putting off writing about it cause it was so flawless and wonderful that I know the words won’t come to me. [I have no memory of why “Tuesday” was so great. But I’m sure 16 year old Sheila will eventually find the words]

I started to get psyched for the dance on the way to pick up J. There was a nervousness in me, a tension. Tuesday grew a little blurry. [Tuesday. The axis on which the entire world spins.] Do you know how confused I am? [Not half as confused as I am] Block out one thing to have a good time at another – that’s what I was doing.

We got to the dance. Streamers were up, music was playing, there was a buffet and tables set up. I sort of settled down to have a good time. TS wasn’t there yet. In fact, no alumnae were there yet. People started coming. Betsy and Kate came. Both looked beautiful. It was a comfort to see them because I started getting so nervous that I wanted to go home. I hadn’t thought the dance out at all – how I’d greet him, if we’d get our picture taken, what would happen. I’ve never gone to a dance with a guy, so I had no idea what to do.

It started to get crowded. I kept my eye on teh door. I saw DW come in! [He was the guy I loved from afar 5 million years ago, in my JUNIOR year.] All that shit about looking forward to seeing him and being on firm ground was just that – BULL SHIT. The minute I saw that oh-so-familiar face – will I never be over the jerk? – I felt a lurch, a stab. I flailed my arms out to clutch J.’s hand. I sometimes stand and stare at him. I loved him more than anything I have ever loved before. WOW. That’s really strange. I feel light years away from the crazy turbulent totally wild time when I liked him. So I just stared at him in wonder. What was it about him? Good LORD. What was it about him that made me love him that much and for that long? J. shook me, yelling, “Sheila! You are regressing into your junior year! Stop! Come back before it’s too late!” [hahahaha]

Then we both really started to laugh hard. I don’t know why – but I felt really uptight, really stiff – I was just waiting for TS, I was dreading seeing him. I knew it would be awkward cause I know myself that well. All I wanted to do was GO HOME and avoid the awkwardness and avoid him.

Around 8:30, I caught a glimpse of him coming in. He had on his dark glasses. Good Lord, is he gorgeous. J. was saying, “Sheila, I hate you.”

I couldn’t stand it he looked so good. He was wearing a black blazer, black pants, white shirt, a black bow tie, shiny black shoes, and black suspenders (I discovered them later) – And then the glasses. He is so cool. [Uhm – the “I discovered them later” is rather racy, is it not? I swear, I did not mean it that way at the time. By the way: Go, TS, for dressing up like that. He was kind of classic like that.]

He came over to our crowd and said hello. I just said, “Hello, TS”, with my chin buried in my turtleneck. That’s what I do when I feel awkward. Either that or I put my string of pearls in my mouth, or I finger my earlobe. [Very Bogart of you!] You know I’m feeling insecure when I touch my earlobe over and over. It’s a dead giveaway. [Just a small heads up, Diary, so “you” know when I’m feeling awkward!] I am sure I was doing all three things simultaneously at that point. [That’s quite an image. Almost like the Jennifer Jason Leigh school of acting.] It was awful having everyone just looking at us. I felt so dumb. I was the personification of the word INSECURE. I hate feeling that way more than anything else. I didn’t know WHAT I was supposed to be doing. Well, no problem. We said hello to each other and then for the next excruciating 45 minutes didn’t even speak to each other.

Oh Diary.

Oh GOD.

[hahaha I love that. I cry out to my journal. Then I realize I totally need to go higher up in the chain and cry out to God.]

He went off to say hello to all his old buddies, milling around, but half the time we were standing about 10 feet apart. He was standing with Matt M and Matt C – I was with J, Kate, and Betsy.

It was awful.

Betsy kept ordering me not to slump, keep my head held high. She kept reminding me that I was in control here. I have nver felt more out of control. It was like I was dying a very slow very painful death. We were standing so close to each other and ignoring each other. At least, we were physically ignoring each other. I was so mentally aware of him I thought I was dying. I would have left if my friends hadn’t chained me down. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t just go up to him and ask him to dance. He was with his buddies, I was with mine.

All I wanted to do was go home. Then I started getting pissed.

I went over my conversation with him on the phone – and I certainly did ask him to the dance. Cause J. said, “Maybe he thought you only meant – well, I’ll see you there” – but no – I said, “Would you like to go with me?” So why weren’t we talking?

Betsy said, “Sheila, that’s the way it always happens.” [I love you, Betsy. You are 17 years old, but you have the wisdom of the ages!!] “Just give it time, Sheila. Everyone’s uptight now.”

It didn’t help to see DW strolling by every 5 seconds.

I said, “If he doesn’t ask me to dance, then we are not dancing tonight.”

And I really did mean it.

But 10 minutes later, I broke that promise. [hahahahaha] Finally, TS came over to our little crowd and we stood around making jokes, etc. And right then, I broke my promise to myself. But I’m sorry – the time had come. I was sick of bullshitting and pretending we weren’t on a date. So I just said to him, right in front of everyone, “Want to dance?”

He reeled backwards as though I had shoved him and said, “Hey, I’m really disappointed, Sheila. I was gonna ask you!”

(Well, why didn’t you, you BUM)

But off we went and bopped around. He dances so funny. I LOVE it. He looks so cute. He has a sense of humor as he dances too – the music at the dance was bad, so we went up to ask for our favorites – Frankie Goes to Hollywood, B-52s, Animal House [omigod, the memories] – we’re into the same stuff. We talked as we danced – about how weird it felt for him to come back to high school [he was 19 – out of high school for a couple years] – and how we didn’t like the music – I can’t fake dance. Dancing, for me, is generated out of a real joy with the music. I think the same thing goes for him because he would suddenly realize that he was dancing with his hands in his pockets. We just laughed about that. I still felt self-conscious and – I wasn’t having a good time at all. My chin was in my turtleneck, basically. [hahahahaha]

As we danced, TS gently tugged the sweater down – so he could see my mouth – then he nudged me and said, “It’s all right.”

I couldn’t really hear it because of the music but I could see his mouth. Right then, things felt a little better, and for the first time I looked at him like my friend. I don’t have to be scared of him. He’s my FRIEND.

After a while, all the lights went out except for the big glittering silver ball, and it was the first slow song. I was talking with J. and Kate, and all of a sudden I felt someone pinch me from behind on the waist. Of course it was him. Then he sort of gestured his head towards the darkened dance floor – like a little “C’mon.” So I followed him out onto the floor, we found a little clear spot – he turned to face me, and there we were slow dancing. But our arms weren’t around each other. That would have been too much. My right hand was in his left hand, his hand on my back – my arm around his neck. We dance like that in Picnic! It was cool – because even though we danced with that space between us – I felt so close to him. I mean, we’ve never really touched except for that one time we hugged – so I didn’t mind the awkwardness suddenly, because the awkwardness felt natural. (You know?) And sweet.

We were so together that a nuclear war could not have separated us. [bwahahahahahahahahaha]

Then the damn fast music started again. Bruce Springsteen’s song came on [uhm – which one, Sheila? Does he only have one??] – and TS was doing an imitation of Bruce that had me ROLLING – and Kathy S (who I think is wonderful) was nearby dancing with Kevin O. – and for some reason the four of us just became hysterical – we were like this hysterically laughing foursome.

And so the dance went on. We would dance some, then mingle some.

Cris F. was there. I just love that boy. He came up to me: “Dates. I want specific dates!” [So sweet. He meant ‘dates’ of Picnic.]

We all got our pictures taken. [I still have it somewhere. And no – my chin is not in my turtleneck in the picture] The picture was me, Kate, J., Lisa, Betsy, TS, Cris, and Mr. Crothers. [ha! First of all: Mere- where were you?? Also Beth: where were you?]

I didn’t speak to DW. He totally ignored me. But I hardly noticed until later. [Triumph!] The last half-hour of the dance, I just stood and talked to J. Then Kate and Betsy came over. Betsy left because her knees swelled up and she couldn’t walk. The poor kid! She just got over mono. Anne came over,a nd we just blabbed. I have no idea what about. I was the only one of my friends who brought anyone to the dance – and it was just so alien to me to be at a dance with a guy, because – dances have always been for me a miserable time that reaffirms that I have no boyfriend and that no one will ever approach me and that I will always be alone.

Then came the last song. Always a slow one. This time it was Purple Rain. [OF COURSE IT WAS!!!] That song is so slow that it almost sounds unnatural and it is very very long. I didn’t know where TS was. Then suddenly he was standing next to me and everyone was looking at him. I suppose he was compelled to make a joke but he was funny. He came over, everyone looked at him expectantly, everyone knew what he wanted – and so he was, “Well, see you around!” and pretended to walk away. Everyone burst out laughing and then he gestured to me – and we went off to dance.

There were times during Purple Rain when I’d feel his hand suddenly squeeze mine, or his hand on my back hold me tighter – and I’d feel everything inside me cave in, like I was falling hundreds of feet – or like when you lie down on hot sand in the summer and your stomach crumbles in – It was this jolting crumbling inside.

When the lights came on, and the music faded – I didn’t want to stop. I didn’t want to go off and find my dad [Gotta love the parents, comin’ to pick up their teenage degenerate children at random dances left and right.] It was as though – I felt like this fragile wine goblet. I felt like one shove would jolt me, shatter. We all sort of milled around – and then TS said, “Well, I see my buddies drifting around so —” Then I said, “Bye.” and he flipped his fingers at me in a wave, and walked off.

I somehow managed to find my coat, find J., and say goodbye to all my friends. I was just in space – I felt shaken, dazed, didn’t know what to do with myself. As we left, we passed TS standing with the two Matts. We glanced at each other and smiled. He threw a streamer at me. And for this one instant – we were smiling at each other, and it felt very private, like we were the only two in the gym.

Then I went home.

________________________________________________________

[Yes, that line is there. To note “end of story” or “shift in tone coming up”, or something like that]

Okay so now that I’ve recreated for you hjow I felt at the dance – How I feel now doesn’t change how the dance felt – but now – Yesterday was the Homecoming Game. We lost – but not by much. Most of it was fun cause Jayne was home – she looks wonderful. Mere was there – what a help she has been to me – and Anne, and Betsy and J. But J. was playing her cymbals so I didn’t get to see much of her. [That sentence makes me laugh out loud. J. played the flute in the band … but for sporting events, she had to play the cymbals and it SO PISSED HER OFF … I have vivid memories of J’s pissed face, underneath her big band hat, clanging her cymbals together – just in a RAGE about it. hahahahaha]

I got really into the game when we started winning. [Fairweather fan] Betsy was clutching the fence and screaming. She turned to me after the touchdown that gave us the lead [Oh, and guess who was quarterback! The famous Keith M.!] – and her eyes were round Os and her mouth was a round O – and we both were jumping and screeching and hugging and going perfectly berserk. We all were. I was glued to the fence.

Millions of alumnae were there. Sherri, JENNY B., Sam G – I went over to say hi after the game. Diary, I just passionately love him. [He was an awesome person.] When I caught a glimpse of him, I almost screamed, “SAM IS HERE!” He is about my favorite person on earth – I see him like once a year. Seeing Jenny was terrific. She looks just beautiful – I went running over to her – big tight bear hug – I love that girl!

And Heather C – I grew really really close to her last year in Math. At the dance, when I was slow-dancing with TS, I heard this, “Sheila! Sheila!” And she was there, dancing with Peter Garvey next to us. We both let go of our guys to hug each other – It almost surprised me because she was so popular in high school, and beautiful, and we had become good friends.

Matt B was at the game. And Bobby R. They improve with age. How do they live with themselves, being so gorgeous? And Crissy J was crowned Homecoming Queen – that sweet lovable totally WONDERFUL girl. We have great kids in our class.

So now what keeps making me madder:

I kept my eyes open for TS but I didn’t see him until he was sort of strolling by us. I called out, “Hello, TS!” and waved my pom pom at him to show him where we were. He waved and came over. [Again: Beth, where are you??] He said hello to everybody, all of us as though we all were the same, and then off he went to join his buddies. Not a damn word to me.

The whole game was just like the first 45 minutes of the dance. Both of us standing in our own groups, 10 feet away, not communicating. But I forgot about it after a while because I was thrown into such a delirium by the game. But I was constantly peripherally aware of him. We both had on hightops. I mean, he didn’t even really say hi to me – and then he totally ignored me. So I thought: “Fine” and had a great catch-up talk with Jayne. I haven’t been able to write to her because I’ve been so busy but we just talked. I filled her in on Brett – she told me about college – and for the rest – we just watched the game and screamed our lungs out. I mean, we’re seniors. This is our last football game. It sort of hit me in the middle of it and then I really started getting involved and becoming a maniac. [Good for you, girl, for realizing that this would be the end … and throwing yourself even MORE into the moment.] It was awful to lose when we came so close. And Narragansett won in the last damn 45 seconds. It was awful.

[Okay, so now comes some rage. My entire handwriting changes. It gets larger, and I am pressing the pen down onto the page.]

Then after the game, I was standing there with Betsy, Beth [Oh! There you are!] and Mere – [which I just love – since the 3 of us are all still close close close … We’re getting together on Saturday night!] – and suddenly TS was with us – I wasn’t really in the group – I was standing on the edge, looking onto the field – so I didn’t hear him come over. I just heard his voice. He didn’t even look at me. He didn’t say good-bye to me. He didn’t even say goodbye – he just turned and walked away. He didn’t even look at me.

I am still so angry about this.

I started to feel even more confused and dumb, like, “Did I come on too strong at the dance?” Oh please. If I came on too strong, then … [Then I had written something – a long something – which I vigorously crossed out. I cannot read what’s underneath the scribbles]

Come on.

I look over all our dates and one of the most important things to me is trust – trusting a person to recognize vulnerability, be gentle –

Chirst. I understand having to be protected. God, I wrote the book about needing to be protected – but God, when I’m vulnerable – which I totally was – I can’t atke it when he makes a flip remark – because then I have to check myself, like: “Uh oh – I was feeling too much – I let him in too much.”

I’ve thought about this a lot.

I have to watch myself when I am with him. Then I think of Picnic and Brett, and how I don’t have to watch myself there – and I am totally fed up. I do not have to put up with it. I mean, I did for a while because i was so flattered and excited to actually be going on dates – and with TS! But I’d come home from those dates cringing over how dumb I felt, or how inadequate –

He didn’t say goodbye to me.

Fine.

FINE

I DON’T NEED ANYONE WHO MAKES ME FEEL TINY. AND IT’S NOT FUNNY. I HAVE ENOUGH PROBLEMS WITH MY SELF-IMAGE AS IT IS. I DON’T NEED TO BE WITH SOMEONE WHO MAKES ME FEEL TINY. And I will NOT anymore. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO MAKE ME FEEL DUMB JUST BECAUSE HE FEELS INSECURE.

So this is an overview of everything between us.

I am SO SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW.

I WANT TO SLUG HIM.

I WANT TO RIP SOMETHING APART.

I AM FURIOUS.

NOVEMBER 24

I’m still mad. [hahahahahaha]

I just got off the phone with Kate – we went up to Mama’s for Thanksgiving and I was talking to Lisa about all of it – and that’s when I really started getting mad. When he didn’t say goodbye to me – right in front of me – I thought I would start to cry – but now I’m just furious.

Kate said to me on the phone, “Maybe I should just shut up and let you work it out – but just so you know: whenever you mention TS, you practically start yelling, Sheila.”

Then when I think about last Tuesday [again with the Tuesday??] and I realize that one night of close best-friendship with Brett made me feel 1,000,000 times better than 4 months of dates with TS. It’s just not worth it. Fuck romance. Seriously. I would choose friendship over FRIENDSHIP. This bullshit is NOT worth it.

Fuck him. Fuck HIM.

Other Picnic entries:

Part 1. The audition
Part 2: The callbacks, getting into the play
Part 3: First meeting with the director
Part 4. The calm before the storm … the time before rehearsals started … memorizing lines, etc.
Part 5. Rehearsals start
Part 6. Rehearsals. Stress building.
Part 7. Crush with Brett intensifying. Finding my own way as an actress. Stress building.
Part 8. Dropping out of religious retreat with much sturm und drang.
Part 9. Being invited to college party
Part 10. Going to college party
Part 11. Aftermath of college party!
Part 12. Rehearsals! Life! Going crazy!
Part 13. The rehearsal when the play clicks into place, emotionally.
Part 14. Opening night approaching. Homecoming Dance approaching.