Special Ops has heard a rumor, and Special Ops says in response: No.
Go.
Away.
I’m not yelling or hysterical. I’m just telling you firmly, MK, because I almost care about you: Your time is done. Give it up. Go away.
âI have a silver and a bronze, and you how everyone says thereâs something missing?,â [Michelle] Kwan said. âI donât know what that is, but I feel like something is missing, as well.â
Oh, cry me a river, Kwan. I feel something’s missing in my life too. Like love, peace of mind, financial flexibility and overall emotional contentment. Oh, and my address book is missing too. That’s the way it goes. You can’t always get what you want. Life’s unfair. Tough. Suck it up.
I have expressed myself on this score before. I don’t want to go through another Winter Olympics listening to your bitch-bitch whining about your missing gold, and how you have every medal but a gold!!! (aboo-hoo, aboohoo), somehow thinking (incorrectly) that the “outrage” about this is universal … No. It ain’t, Kwan. You don’t have a gold because you didn’t skate well enough the last 35 times you competed in the Olympics. Oh, and also: it would help if you didn’t do the same routine TWO OLYMPICS IN A ROW. Why should you be congratulated for such stupid (and cautious) behavior? Those little teenage girls skated circles around you. That’s the flat truth. I roll my eyes, knowing I will have to watch you swoop around the ice with your damn leg in the air as everyone cheers for … what reason? No idea. I was bored by that move of yours in circa 1987.
“Signature moves” don’t win the gold, Kwan. Go join the Icecapades if you want to be congratulated for that kind of thing.
I KNEW this moment would come. I KNEW I was not done with Kwan.
“You know, I’ve left all doors open and I haven’t closed any doors yet.”
Hey, Michelle. Let me close that door for you. For all our sakes. There ya go!
To quote Mitchell’s long-ago haiku that he wrote for Tonya Harding:
Pink spandex falters
Guilty skates have no rhythm
The world is unmoved.
That haiku NEVER grows old. Mitchell, my dear. It’s brill.
And so Special Ops says:
The world is unmoved, Kwan.
If she hadn’t done well in Dancing with the Stars, we wouldn’t have to go through this. The judges should have given her some crappy scores and nipped this in the bud.
I blame Dara Torres.
I will admit that I really loved Michelle Kwan during her first Olympic attempt. It was totally a underdog kind of young-new-thing feeling. I was impressed by her sneakiness and her seemingly fearless and spry behavior on the ice.
Then she got older. She was far too impressed with herself and her skating and her attitude of entitlement. I began to secretly hope she would trip and knew she was moments from a Nancy Kerrigan-esque silver medal comment (“Oh, come on. So she’s going to get out here and cry again. What’s the difference?”). I felt I wasn’t allowed to express these feelings because she was an “America’s Sweetheart” and all that blah blah blah.
Thank you. Express your feelings for all of the rest of us! And hopefully she will go the way of Ms. Kerrigan and people will see her as we do.
NF — Are you thinking of Kristi Yamaguchi maybe? Or was Kwan on that show and I missed it because I was too busy swooning over Jason Taylor?
And if Michelle going for another shot means more Sheila MK rants, bring it on, Kwan.
Jen – people have gotten so mad before when I bitch about being sick of Michelle Kwan. They take it personally. They HAVE to know that that means I must do it more!
Seriously. Move out the way, Kwan!
I don’t resent her being ambitious for herself – but I do resent how much airtime she takes up whenever she decides to get involved. It’s TIRESOME. And it feels manipulative – like she thinks the judges should just “give it to her” because she’s a crowd favorite.
I do not watch Dancing with the Stars, so I don’t know if Kwan was on it. But she said in the article that she feels Torres proved that “age doesn’t matter”.
Oh, but it DOES, Kwan, it does!!
i too was very inspired by dara torres saying that you should never put an age limit on your dreams. but, uh, seems to me that, uh, she won’t be in the NEXT olympics. so maybe she should have said you should EXTEND the age limit of your dreams as far as is humanly possible until the AGE LIMIT TAKES EFFECT.
it is SPORTS not PHILOSOPHY. THERE IS AN AGE LIMIT TO YOUR DREAMS IF IT IS AN OLYMPIC DREAM UNLESS IT’S SKEET SHOOTING OR SOMETHING.
pardon the all caps, Special Ops has let loose my inner curmudgeon!
i am laughing picturing michelle kwan doing an entire routine where all she does is glide around with one leg up in the air behind her.
the whole routine! god that’s funny.
Kwan can suck it.
I hope this latest Kwan episode doesn’t bring you more weirdos, but you have our support here.
I wish Kwan would learn the phrase “retire with dignity”. Then again, it could be fun watching her fail at another attempt at a gold medal. I hate to say anyone is too old to do something, but there are certain sports that evolve in a way that makes it very challenging to return competitively.
And I love Dara Torres – she has shown what it is to have true sportsmanship AND be a champion.
Jen … and it’s not like it was even CLOSE at the last Olympics. Kwan didn’t show up with her A game at ALL, and those little teenagers totally took the stage. Kwan fell a couple of times, if I remember correctly – not to mention all the psychodrama surrounding her situation with her coach, and her program.
I know she’s like the most decorated skater of all time … but gotta be honest, she always left me a little cold.
And the last Olympics I actually got nervous for her – she seemed to have lost her mojo or something, and I tensed up watching her skate, know what I mean?
Did y’all know Dara Torres is 41?! I’d NEVER HEARD THAT BEFORE. But really, she’s 41. And a mother. A 41-year-old mother. Who’s 41.
(I hate the Kwan. Hate.)
Amen, a thousand amens to your sentiment, Sheila.
About the only thing worse than KwanRedux would be if THIS ONE showed up (hint: the haiku) —
http://budk1.blogspot.com/search?q=No+sympathy
Bud
Oh, lord. As a Buffalo Bills fan, I feel I should tell Kwan (whom I loved until she made Torino a distraction) that there’s a reason Jim Kelly isn’t still trying to win a Super Bowl, and it’s the same reason why Kwan shouldn’t be trying to chase the gold that she never won.
(But I miss Todd Eldredge…I really wish he could have won an Olympic medal. He was unlucky in peaking at a time when that damn Quad jump took over the sport, a skill which he never mastered.)
ughhhh. the Kwan. the one thing i hated about the last winter olympics. i celebrated her withdrawal like anyone else’s gold!
A Special Ops sighting and “a-boohoo, a-boohoo” in the same post? Old home week, and most welcome too. :-)
Holy merlot! I’ve never seen this side of you before, Sheila-girl. I like it! : )
Tracey – having only seen the promos every week, I may indeed be getting it wrong. I just kept seeing her and seeing her… It probably was Yamaguchi, only because I kept seeing her and SEEING HER I grew to even hate the promos themselves. That energy, mimicing the energy towards Kwan, conflated the two people in my little brain.
OR –
I mixed them up, I’m stupid, I’m sorry! =)
At the risk of gettting beat up, I really, REALLY want to believe that Dara Torres is doing this dope free. But how many of us believed that about the track stars et al? Both my kids are swimmers, and I find it so hard to believe that she can get those times at her age. And yes, I have seen her workout routines. And I know she is being tested, and saving her blood and DNA and blah, blah, blah.
But I am jaded- what’s the catch?? Bah.
Beth – yeah, you honestly just never know these days.
I hope she’s dope-free too!
Because I cannot help myself: Special Ops Two: The Wrath of Kwan.
“KWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNN!!!!!!”
I’m hoping Kwan gets traded to the Jets;)
I don’t know the source or history of yor vitriol here, nor do I have strong feelings about Kwan either way, but what do you care if she comes back and pursues her dream of gold? If she qualfies and beats out the others in the time trials, fine. If not, that’s fine too. I’ve never heard her suggest it’s an “outrage” that she didn’t win at any rate.
hee hee
I was waiting for you, JR! I was waiting for someone to show up, all baffled and humorless … there’s always one in a crowd! I was wondering what was taking you so long, so thanks for not letting me down!
The source of my vitriol is a deep childhood wound. Some playground bully stole my popsicle and I am forever bitter.
DAMN YOU KWAN!!
And you’ve been reading my blog since 2003, I believe. And you’re just picking up NOW on the fact that I care inappropriately about things that don’t matter? Have you seen my rants on David Hasselhoff? Or George Lucas? Or Renee Zellweger? Or Christina Crawford’s book Mommie Dearest?
Do these things matter? Nah.
Are they fun to have crazy opinions about? Hell, yes.
Seriously, do you even read my blog? The whole point is to get all worked up (negatively or positively) over silly things. Because it’s pleasing to do so.
Have you seen my rants on David Hasselhoff?
Damn. And I was going to send you an invite to Hoffspace, the David Hasselhoff Social Networking site.
And you definitely won’t like this, either. Ewwww.