This post will be updated to reflect the requests of all of my readers. “Ewan McGregor” and “trumps moral authority” have now been added.<\/i><\/p>\n
I watched Maltese Falcon<\/i> starring HUMPHREY BOGART <\/b> (but not KATHARINE HEPBURN<\/b>, more’s the pity) for the 30th time, thinking to myself: “Jeez, I’m sure glad that asshole GEORGE LUCAS <\/b>wasn’t at the helm of this one!!” After the movie ended, I thought to myself, confused, “Hm. BREWSTER BUFFALO<\/b>. I wonder what that means. I should ask Bill.” Then I peered randomly at MY EYEBALL <\/b>for a good 5 minutes, wondering what the BACK OF MY EYEBALL <\/b>would look like. Bored with that, I then proceeded to contemplate my BOOBS<\/b>, wishing I had some PORN<\/b> featuring REBECCA WEST AS A DOMINATRIX <\/b>or at least some HOT GAY ELF SEX<\/b>. In lieu of PORN<\/b>, I fantasized about EWAN MCGREGOR<\/b>, who, as we all know, TRUMPS MORAL AUTHORITY<\/b>. In that amoral mode, I threw out my JANE AUSTEN <\/b>books, I threw out my JAMES JOYCE <\/b>books, I threw out THE COMPLETE WORKS OF VIRGINIA WOOLF <\/b>and I started reading my KLEMPERER <\/b>journals, copying down many quotes into MY COMMONPLACE BOOK<\/b>. Then I got tired of that and tore through THE SILMARILLION BY JRR TOLKIEN<\/b>. I felt satisfied at last. But I still wish I had some PORN<\/b>. Also, I wish I had 342 PAIRS OF SHOES.<\/b> To comfort myself, I looked at my BOOBS <\/b>some more. My BOOBS <\/b>are nice, but definitely not as big as the 444-POUND KING OF TONGA’S<\/b>. I became so filled with despair about this that I shouted up at the sky, “DON’T EVEN TRY, CHIPS<\/b>!”<\/p>\n
(Boy. I am going to get some weird Google searches from that one.)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
This post will be updated to reflect the requests of all of my readers. “Ewan McGregor” and “trumps moral authority” have now been added. I watched Maltese Falcon starring HUMPHREY BOGART (but not KATHARINE HEPBURN, more’s the pity) for the … Continue reading