In the film, the first time we see his compulsive repetition of certain phrases, it is as though some demon has taken over Hughes. DiCaprio played it in a heartbreaking way, as though he was scared of what was happening to him. He couldn’t stop the repetition. His eyes got panicked, and yet his body wouldn’t obey, and out would come the same old phrase, over and over and over.<\/p>\n
I know that this is a common component of OCD. Along with other things like switching lights on and off, and certain tapping of fingers rituals, and washing hands 20 times a day.<\/p>\n
My interpretation of it, at least from the film, is that, for whatever reason, in sudden unexpected moments, Howard Hughes would completely dissociate from himself. Another “self” would split off, dramatically, from his other self. The self that was able to function, and be in the real world. But suddenly – like a plate cracking in half – there would be two Howards.<\/p>\n
And the one that split off to the side was the judgmental voice, the critical voice … the voice we all have, to some degree, inside of us. But most of us can control the inner critic, or even listen to the inner critic – see if it has some valid points. But if the inner critic gets out of control, most of us can talk it out of the clocktower, or calm it down. Like if I make a mistake, or if I’m at a party and talking with strangers and I suddenly feel self-conscious, or phony … there is that voice that comes sometimes, the hard task-master voice. Whispering in my ear as I try to navigate. “God, listen to you. You sound like such a phony. God. How do you live with yourself, you big fat phony?” Or when I make a mistake. It’s an unforgiving voice. “What a stupid mistake. You are so stupid.” To some degree, this unforgiving task-master voice is a blessing, and people who DON’T have it probably hold themselves in too high a regard. If you never ever think you’re capable of doing better, being better, correcting yourself – then you can be a big fat know-it-all BORE.<\/p>\n
But what I saw in those Howard Hughes OCD attacks is that the critical voice took over. The critical voice won the battle completely. The critical voice, out of nowhere, started SCREAMING. And so Hughes, trying to please this inner critic, this unforgiving inner voice (the ghost of his mother?) – had to keep repeating whatever phrase it was he was saying when the voice inside started screaming. And to try, desperately, to get it right. Just keep saying the same words, over and over … does this sound right? Does this sound phony? Will this please that voice? No? How ’bout this? How ’bout if I say it like this? Until Hughes was completely lost in the compulsion, and would have to absent himself from the room.<\/p>\n
I was very moved, almost to tears, at the shot of him, holed up in a car with himself, after removing himself from a party. He had his hand clamped over his mouth, as hard as he could, tears in his eyes, trying to STOP the repetition. His own body, his own mind, out of his own control. And yet … the conscious self, the real self, the one NOT controlled by OCD, knows that this repetition must stop. He is in between selves. The madness has not completely taken over yet. He knows the compulsion is out of control, and he is afraid, sad, trying to control it.<\/p>\n
It seemed to me a very very sad thing. On one surface level (the level I described above, with the inner critic voice thing) I related to it. But the levels to which that inner critic (if that’s even the correct way to look at it) took over Hughes’ life struck me as tragic.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
In the film, the first time we see his compulsive repetition of certain phrases, it is as though some demon has taken over Hughes. DiCaprio played it in a heartbreaking way, as though he was scared of what was happening … Continue reading