The following entries are from the two weeks of finals at the end of my Junior year in high school. It’s rather long – so only die-hard Diary Friday fans will be able to weed their way through the purple prose of the 16 year old I once was.<\/p>\n
I found I didn’t want to take out any of the pieces – There is stuff about studying, stuff about the boy I was in love with, stuff about God, stuff about my friends – feelings about school – It was all a part of that insane time. I took school very seriously, and I took finals very seriously.<\/p>\n
Reading over this this morning, I realized, again, how lucky I was in high school – even though you would never know it, from the bitch-fest in the pages!! Most of the friends I mention here are still my dear dear friends today. Many of them are active participants in this blog. We still hang out, we still correspond – we are Present-day friends – not just friends from long ago. It is an unbelievable blessing.<\/p>\n
So I post this long entry for them.<\/p>\n
Oh, and once again – I could not contain myself from inserting editorial comments. (Siobhan – I know you love those!) I just could not let some of my ridiculous self-dramatic TRAGIC prose slide by without making a snarky comment on it.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
June 10<\/u>
\nI can’t believe next year we’ll be seniors<\/u>. The oldest<\/u> – in the senior bleachers<\/u>. I mean \u0096 the incoming freshmen will remember us<\/u> as being the oldest. SENIORS. Has this time really come? I don’t believe it. It’s unreal \u0096 it’s scary \u0096 I mean, even SK Pades was like: Is it really<\/u> here? Our<\/u> SK Pades. (Ed: SK Pades was the variety show put on every year at my high school by the junior class. It was meant to be a bonding experience for the entire class \u0096 readying them for the rigors of the senior year. I have to say: it worked!)<\/i><\/p>\n
Next year, at this time, Andy, our class president, will be getting up in front of everyone for the parting address at graduation. And probably Peter and Erica will make their valedictorian speeches \u0096 we’ll all be sitting there \u0096 girls in white, guys in blue \u0096 girls with red roses \u0096 AM I REALLY GOING TO BE in a white gown, holding a blue diploma and a rose \u0096 I can’t even comprehend it<\/p>\n
I can’t picture myself in college, in a dorm, with a roommate, going to college classes, college parties. Basically just being in college. For so long my life’s been relatively the same. I mean, I’ve<\/u> changed muchly, but it seems like my whole life I have been in high school, living at home, going to the malls occasionally. My life has been sort of hard, a lot has happened to me and our family in the last couple years \u0096 but college will be a complete<\/u> change. I can’t believe it’s NEXT YEAR.<\/p>\n
The seniors this year must all have such mixed feelings. I know I will: enormous LOVE, relief, excitement, fear, depression, anxiety, sadness \u0096 everything. College<\/u>. Wow. Everything is happening so fast.<\/p>\n
11 pm:<\/u> I love Brendan. I am so glad to have a brother like him. I always used to wish I had an older brother, but age has nothing to do with it. He is such a good<\/u> kid. I mean, for about 2 years he drove me crazy, starting in Ireland. He made me cry in Dublin. But I think what has happened now is \u0096 we have both grown up so much. He is growing to be one of the funniest people I know. He makes me laugh SO HARD.<\/p>\n
He is gonna be such a heartbreaker. He is so sensitive. Like, for English, he has to write this poetry book and they are all really good. Deep, too. One’s about the Lincoln Monument, and how it gave him a feeling of awe. He did illustrations, too, and the illustration to that one is a glimpse of a fleeing black man’s legs, and behind him lie broken chains. There’s also this poem called “Thoughts”. The picture to this one was so cute that it made me laugh. It was supposed to be serious, and it was, but also \u0096 it was such a sweet drawing. I started roaring when I saw it. It’s supposed to be him, sitting at our dining room table, with his head is in his arms, down on the table \u0096 but oh \u0096 it is so cute<\/p>\n
He is such a sensitive kid. I pray that he doesn’t lose it.<\/p>\n
I’m glad that things are going good for us now. I wish I wasn’t such a bitch all the time.<\/p>\n
June 11 <\/u>
\nI CAN’T BELIEVE WHAT A JERK I AM. I want to scream and pound the stupid walls. WHEN WILL I EVER SHAPE UP? I have a huge Math test tomorrow on 3 chapters and I brought home the wrong stupid book. My French and Math books are exactly the same size, and they are both red. I can’t tell you how FURIOUS I was when I found that out. I HATE MYSELF.<\/p>\n
June 12<\/u>
\nFinals approaching. My entire life is studying. I have, I think, the most excruciatingly painful headache I’ve ever known. It buzzes through me. I can hardly walk. I can’t move my head. I am in a rut bigger than the Andreas Fault. I cried today \u0096 then I did my Centering Prayer, and felt a little better.<\/p>\n
June 13<\/u>
\nI took the Math test. I was shaking with fear even though I really did study (I had brought my math notebook home, luckily). Kate had told me that the test was a positive nightmare. So I went in there and took it but I didn’t find it horrendous. I didn’t get a few problems, but I knew more than I didn’t know. But still \u0096 today Kate told me she got a 55. KATE!! I don’t think she’s failed a test in her life.<\/p>\n
So I was dreading Math. I’ve been on such a downer, starting yesterday \u0096 what a cavern I’m in \u0096 and to fail a Math test! I may never recover emotionally! (Ed: Oh God, that makes me laugh. I was dead serious<\/i>.) We only had 2 tests other than that one this quarter. On one I got an 80, on the other I got a 69. My average was a 74 or something. A 55 would really boost my average. When I found out the highest grade in the class was an 85, I prepared myself. BUT \u0096 I got an 80 \u0096 AND I got a C for the quarter!! (Ed: This was good news for me, not bad. I worked my ass off for that C<\/i>.)<\/p>\n
Today has been so hot and sticky. I stayed after school with J. so we could clear out our locker (an impossible huge gross task). You should have seen it. It was all my junk too. A winter coat, sneakers, sweats, pants, a sweater, a turtleneck, 3 pairs of mittens, 1 pair of gloves \u0096 all in a bag which was totally useless and ripped down the side. I also had my silver shamrock wand from when we did “Cinderella” in Drama.<\/p>\n
J. and I were both really tired and hot and sweaty, so together we lugged the stupid bag (which I called “mental” and J. went off into gales of laughter) down to the library. It was so hot on the 3rd floor and we were laughing so hard. We went into the library to find a box but there weren’t any. We saw some in the janitor’s room, and were going to steal one, but there were newspapers in all of them.<\/p>\n
Then we went into the back room in the library and saw a cardboard box full of books. No one was around so we dumped the books out, and ran out with the box. I honestly thought I was going to wet my pants I was laughing so hard. We both were. Since we aren’t allowed to take out books anymore (end of school and all), J. snuck 3 books out without signing them out. (Ah yes, to be in that kind of mood).<\/p>\n
My box was so heavy. J. held one side, I held the other. We looked so ridiculous. The minute we picked the box up, I said, solemnly, “There seems to be a silver shamrock in this box” \u0096 and J. started laughing \u0096 when J. laughs she makes me laugh \u0096 we both got so weak from laughing, we lost our grips and the box fell. We finally thought we got it under control, so picked up the box again, took 2 steps, and then fell down roaring with laughter again.<\/p>\n
It was a fun day. We spent all of gym looking through the yearbook and planning what we were going to write for our senior blurbs next year.<\/p>\n
We have one day of classes left. Then finals. Then SUMMER.<\/p>\n
I deserve it. Oh boy, do I deserve a very long break, full of independence. I am now hooked on “Guiding Light”. No more boring “General Hospital”. So all summer I will watch it!<\/p>\n
I can’t wait til finals are done. I am exhausted. I am really worn out and ugly.<\/p>\n
June 15<\/u>
\nWell, school is officially over. I have one final today \u0096 History. Then on Tuesday I have Math. I am so scared!<\/p>\n
French and English I pretty much know I’m gonna get a good grade. But Chemistry and Math!! I have to study my EYES out this weekend. It is gonna be rotten.<\/p>\n
I need a break. This year has got everything out of me it could. I am really drained. You should see what I look like. I am exhausted \u0096 not just from recent things, but from the whole year. LOOK at this year. In a way, it’s been like “Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom” \u0096 it never stops \u0096 no breaths of air \u0096 one continuous roller-coaster of anxiety. I feel mentally burned out. My brains are frying<\/u>. How did I live this year? How? I just found a note that I wrote to myself in Math class during those AWFUL weeks before the Toga dance when he was ignoring me, when he was indifferent.<\/p>\n
School will be out in 4 days. Then (pray!) I’ll be a senior. Thank God I only have one more year. I mean, it’s been a blast (yeah, right) but I couldn’t take more than one more year of high school. I can see all my new horizons. I want to go get ’em!<\/p>\n
I am just sick of being in the mad-house that people call high school.<\/p>\n
Diary \u0096 you have to believe me when I say: He was my life.<\/u><\/p>\n
I mean that very literally. (Ed: Yes, Sheila, we know, and that was the problem<\/i>!) No matter what<\/u> I was doing, where I was, he was always on my mind. Can you comprehend the ALWAYS-NESS of ALWAYS? (Ed: Uh \u0096 yes, Sheila \u0096 we can. We can comprehend it. Move on. Also \u0096 who are you talking to?) <\/i>That’s what I mean: ALWAYS. (Ed: Sheila \u0096 we got it, okay? “Always” is not a rare word. Everyone knows what it means<\/i>.) There was no other aspect of my junior year more important to me than him. Not even SK Pades. Besides, he was woven into SK Pades too. Isn’t it amazing that just another human being gave me perfect happiness? It’s sort of sick, actually, now that I think about it. (Ed: Thank God – a voice of reason!!) <\/i><\/p>\n
Project Adventure (Ed: An Outward Bound thing required of the junior class – one of my favorite experiences in all of high school – amazing stuff<\/i>) was what made us friends. Everything comes back to me in flashbacks now.<\/p>\n
I feel like I’m 80 years old.<\/p>\n
I see his smiling face, way back in the beginning, before I liked him \u0096 I see me walking down with April towards Old Mountain Field, and he was right<\/u> behind us, walking alone, LOOKING AT ME (Ed: Oh, for God’s sake, so what<\/i>.). I see him on the other side of the stream, and him holding his arms out to me \u0096 for me to grab on and jump. I remember the first time I felt the little light flutter in my stomach. I remember him asking me if I hated him. I see me asking him to dance at the Homecoming \u0096 and how off-guard he was \u0096 I see SK Pades \u0096 and him hugging me after \u0096 the hug \u0096 I went home and cried in the dining room. Cried because I was happy. I see us bowling, him asking if he could bowl with me and April. He asked us<\/u>. (Ed: And on the basis of this, on the basis of “him” asking if he could bowl with me and April, he “literally” became my life. Pretty scary stuff<\/i>) I see us talking on Valentine’s Day for half an hour in the hall \u0096 I remember me leaning back into the bubbler, with him standing right in front of me \u0096 I remember us singing harmony. That’s my favorite memory. Us singing harmony.<\/u> (Ed: Oh, for God’s sake<\/i>.)<\/p>\n
I still love him desperately. (Ed: No comment<\/i>.)<\/p>\n
June 16<\/u>
\nI went to school, took my History final. 100 multiple choice questions<\/u>. It was a joke<\/u>. I see the entire world as a multiple-choice question now. My eyes are spinning about in my head. Butler’s gonna scale the tests though. I did study hard. I HAVE TO DO WELL. I got an A this quarter though!! So that final \u0096 it wasn’t hard<\/u> – but it was the first final, so I was really tired after it.<\/p>\n
Mrs. Franco assigned us a paper for Thursday. I cannot believe she did that<\/u>. Mine was a 9-page masterpiece though. I’m very proud of it. I wrote it on Hemingway. Farewell to Arms.<\/u><\/p>\n
All of Thursday was exhausting, nerve-wracking review. I started despairing. I was drowning, overwhelmed. Then \u0096 oh, I don’t know how late or how early I stayed up Thursday night \u0096 just studying and studying and studying. For the History final. I mean \u0096 how long could I study? An entire year of US History in one test? \u0096 How detailed could it be?? Well, it was<\/u> detailed, and it was very dumb.<\/p>\n
After my History final, I came home, and had the most wonderful time relaxing, with records. No one else was home, so I played the piano, and sang.<\/p>\n
Mum came home. I am always in a foul mood after finals, so she came home today, and I think this was the first time she ever told<\/u> me to go watch my soap opera. “Sheila, just go watch your soap opera, please.”<\/p>\n
Ha!<\/p>\n
Today was a beautiful day \u0096 even a little chilly. Brilliantly clear and sunny. Lush green, yellow sun, blue blue sky. Kate called me and we decided to “do something”.<\/p>\n
I just wasn’t in the mood for studying tonight<\/u>. I have all night, and all day tomorrow.<\/p>\n
So Kate invited me and Beth out, and the 3 of us went down to Narragansett Beach for a walk.<\/p>\n
It was about 6 pm I guess. Just at sunset. We all rolled up our jeans, and took a long long walk. The sky was indescribable. I felt God there. So much.<\/p>\n
The sky changed every time we looked up at it. I think it was the most spectacular sky I have ever seen. Where the sun went down, it was like an explosion. It was gold and shimmering \u0096 huge clouds billowing out \u0096 all red and orange \u0096 and all around the sunset were big thick bright clouds, and stretching off around that, the clouds got wispier and stretched out really long, so they looked like they were zooming off into the distance \u0096 all in a blur. The sky was exploding.<\/p>\n
So the 3 of us sat down to watch the sky. As though it were a movie.<\/p>\n
The waves were lapping. Whenever the waves receded, it was perfectly<\/u> silent.<\/p>\n
Then 3 solitary seagulls \u0096 teeny black Vs \u0096 flew across the gold sky.<\/p>\n
It was weird. It was like \u0096 the gulls were a mirror of the 3 of us, sitting on the sand. We were them, they were us.<\/p>\n
That was when I felt God the most.<\/p>\n
It was weird, but later, the 3 of us talked about it \u0096 and they had noticed the 3 black seagulls too.<\/p>\n
The sky out over the water got darker and darker blue \u0096 sort of muted, and deep \u0096 a twilight-dusk-blue \u0096 and the water was darkly deeply blue. For a while, the sky stretching out over the ocean was glowing with this soft subtle rose-lavendar color \u0096 and the waves that lapped (it was a gentle night surf) were all shimmering with this pinky-purple from the sky. Then, again, there were those “rushing” pink clouds \u0096 almost reaching for the sunset. It was so peaceful.<\/p>\n
The walk we took was really long. By the time we headed back, it started to get dark, so the sky had calmed the hell down. But we could look across the water to the town, all glimmering with lights.<\/p>\n
I had this wish that someone was beside me, a boy, holding my hand. And we could sit and watch the sunset.<\/p>\n
The beach was sparsely populated \u0096 but most were couples. One couple in rolled-up jeans, barefeet, were wading along through the water holding hands. There was one couple huddled together in a lifeguard’s chair.<\/p>\n
That sky was so bursting with beauty that I could not believe it. It was OVERFLOWING with God.<\/p>\n
Then we all went to Newport Creamery for ice cream.<\/p>\n
Kate kept saying, “I really feel 17 right now.”<\/p>\n
We got back into the car, put the radio on, and it was 50s night \u0096 so as we drove along, we were laughing at how much it felt like we were in “American Grafitti” or something \u0096 cruisin’ along, Saturday night, Wolfman Jack, rock ‘n roll, just being teenagers.<\/p>\n
And now \u0096 I am in the right frame of mind to study for the entire day tomorrow.<\/p>\n
June 17<\/u>
\nI just got this flashing inspiration \u0096 revelation: I am gonna be something great someday<\/u>. I feel it. I know it.<\/p>\n
11:30 pm:<\/u>
\nI have never studied so long in my whole entire life. All day. I have Chemistry and French tomorrow.<\/p>\n
But I am not dreading them anymore. Hey \u0096 I have studied massively. I will go in there \u0096 and I will do my best. It is only 2 hours<\/u> out of my whole life. I will survive. Life will go on, whatever happens.<\/p>\n
Dad and I had so much fun tonight. I recited practically the entire Chemistry book to him \u0096 just for practice \u0096 it felt good to rattle it all of \u0096 but Dad was so funny \u0096 I mean, he didn’t even know if what I was saying was right or not, and he so didn’t care!<\/p>\n
I’d say, “So \u0096 Dad \u0096 you want to hear about Molality, Dad?”<\/p>\n
And he’d say, eyes in his own book, “No, not particularly, Sheila.”<\/p>\n
But I would rattle off the definition at him anyway.<\/p>\n
I told him all the rules, all the formulas \u0096 and he would just sit there, behind his book the whole time. I’d babble on about protons and neutrons and \u0096 he would just look at me with this totally bland deadpan face.<\/p>\n
He’d say, “You<\/u> know what Avagadro’s number is?\u0085\u0085\u0085Why<\/u>?”<\/p>\n
Dad \u0096 I honestly do not have an answer for that. But I do know what Avagadro’s number is, and quite frankly, I wish I didn’t.<\/p>\n
Wednesday is the Drama final, which is just going to be fun. We each have to sing a “character song” and a “love song”. Then the entire class has to put on a production number. It is so incredibly fun. For “character” I’m singing “I’m Always Chasing Rainbows”, I think it’s a vaudeville song that Judy Garland sang a lot \u0096 when her name was Frances Gumm \u0096 and then for my “long song” I’m singing “This Can’t Be Love” from The Boys from Syracuse. For the “production number” the whole class is gonna do “Summer Lovin'” from Grease. We’re all gonna dress up 50s, and bop around being total stereotypes. Kris Kemp, Betsy, Joe, Beth, Kate \u0085 it’s gonna be great.<\/p>\n
June 18<\/u>
\nIt is not a pleasant feeling to look in the mirror and see an old woman. (Ed: Images of being an “old haggard woman” abound in my teenage journals. It is hysterical.)<\/i><\/p>\n
June 19<\/u>
\nI cannot even explain to you what the past few days have been like for me. I don’t want to see my report card. EVERY final has been SO HARD. Chemistry! It’s NOT that I didn’t study \u0096 I DID I DID \u0096 I have gotten about 6 hours of sleep since Sunday. But all my finals have been SO HARD. Chemistry wasn’t even that \u0096 it was just impossible, it was outrageous, and it was TOTALLY unfair. I am so glad I am out of there. I hate Mr. A. I hate hate hate him. I don’t think even HE cares about Avagadro’s number. I think he’s just happy to have a paycheck. He always wanted to trick us \u0096 he would purposefully make the language of the quiz questions confusing \u0096 and then not care when everybody got confused, he wanted <\/u>us to be baffled. He was a tricky teacher, and I don’t like being tricked. Good riddance to protons, neutrons, and stupid Avagadro.<\/p>\n
June 20<\/u>
\nOh Diary \u0096 summer is here! I survived my finals! Not without blemishes. (Ed: “Blemishes”? Sheila \u0085 what? Maybe you want to pick another image\u0085Just a suggestion.) <\/i>The finals this year – every single one<\/u> (except English, which I got a 99 on) was SO HARD. I got a C for the year in Math and Chemistry. I do not understand this. I worked harder this year than any other year.<\/p>\n
But today \u0096 officially \u0096 truly \u0096 I am a senior. A senior.<\/p>\n
We aren’t underclassmen anymore. There’s a whole new mentality with being a senior.<\/p>\n
One more year.<\/p>\n
After school got out today (oh yeah \u0096 the Drama final was so fun! Mrs. McNeil gave out what she called “Drammy Awards” \u0096 Kate and I tied for “best love song” \u0096 we couldn’t believe it!! And, of course, the whole class got one for “Best Production Number” \u0096 since, basically, we had no competition.) \u0096 Anyway, after school got out, Kate and I, again, wanted to “do something”. She had her car. So we called J. from school (she had just had her Chemistry exam and was suicidal), so we went to pick her up. I was still in a school frame of mine \u0096 it still hasn’t sunk in \u0096 SUMMER \u0096 wonderful summer \u0096 After this year of hell, it is like an outpouring of relief, a huge catharsis.<\/p>\n
We drove to Kate’s house \u0096 and we had such a great time. We made scrambled eggs and toast (it was only 11 am) and we ate outside on the porch with an umbrella table. The sun was warm and bright, everything was glowing, and we all just basked in this new feeling \u0096 2 and a half months of NO SCHOOL. And also \u0096 now we only have one more year. It gives us a very strange feeling of peace. I have not been at peace one day this year. I DO NOT EXAGGERATE. (Ed: Sheila, who are you yelling at? You’re just writing in your diary. Nobody said you were exaggerating<\/i>.) I can’t remember ONE DAY this year when I didn’t feel all rumpled up, or scared about school \u0096 and now it’s summer, and I can just take a long 2 and a half month deep breath.<\/p>\n
After lunch, we went inside and talked until 3:30. From 12 to 1, we talked about finals. From 1 to 3:30 we talked about boys.<\/p>\n
We reminisced. We talked about all the good times we had with all 3 of those boys.<\/p>\n
I’m not sorry. I mean, there were times this year when I felt so good, perfectly good through and through. I have never felt so great. I remember it all. How happy I was. And I am glad for that. (Ed: I really do talk as though I am an old old woman, looking back over her long long life<\/i>.) I am still so MAD that it didn’t happen between us. I still don’t know why. He did care. I know he did. (Ed: Bwahahahahaha<\/i>!)<\/p>\n
But still \u0096 we had a great time, talking about the whole year, with those 3 guys. J. and I laughed about how we had actually planned out, in our minds, our double dates. Which, of course, never occurred. We talked over everything that had happened to everyone. J. being asked to dance and how unbelievably exciting that was, DW asking me if I hated him and then J. flying out the door, trying to make herself invisible (I love that girl!!), we talked about Project Adventure (we devoted a good half-hour to that), we talked about all the dances \u0096 we talked about the whole fun and nightmarish year.<\/p>\n
J. and Kate were telling me about when they found out that I wasn’t gonna go to the prom cause he said no. I had called Kate IMMEDIATELY, and then called J. where she was babysitting. J. told me, “When you called me, I thought right away that he had said Yes, because you were out of breath \u0096 I thought you were excited \u0096 and when you told me, it was like \u0096 oh my GOD \u0096 this huge CALAMITY!” Kate said, “I know! I know! I just wandered around saying to myself, ‘He said no. He said no’, trying to make myself believe it, but I couldn’t believe it!”<\/p>\n
This is true for me too: when one of my friends is down, or has a calamity, I feel it with them.<\/p>\n
And<\/u> – big news: J. overheard that Nick and Eric were going to “Ghostbusters” tonight down at the Pier Cinema \u0096 so we decided to go and stalk them. And then be like: “Wow! You’re here at “Ghostbusters” too?? What an unbelievable coincidence<\/I>!!” Hee hee.<\/p>\n
Today is the FIRST DAY OF SUMMER. I am young, I am healthy, and I am a SENIOR. But still \u0096 I don’t want my report card. My total grades aren’t bad, but my finals are awful. Okay \u0096 my grades for the year \u0096 I’m guessing:<\/p>\n
History \u0096 B (probably \u0096 I got an A in 4th quarter)
\nChemistry \u0096 C
\nFrench \u0096 B ????
\nMath \u0096 C (God willing)
\nEnglish \u0096 A
\nDrama \u0096 A<\/p>\n
This is what I hope and pray. Well, what can I do now. It’s over.<\/p>\n
So after the time at Kate’s \u0096 I went home \u0096 I got into jeans \u0096 and had a wonderful time just being a vegetable. I watched “Guiding Light”. I listened to records. I sighed a lot. I feel like I still have to keep studying. I can’t really realize it’s summer yet.<\/p>\n
Then, at about 6:30 \u0096 I got ready to go out and stalk those boys at “Ghostbusters”. I had on my dad’s Oxford shirt (everyone wears their dad’s clothes now \u0096 it is the latest thing) \u0096 jeans \u0096 metallic red socks \u0096 and my white plastic sunglasses.<\/p>\n
Betsy and Mere came too. We got there late, so the lights were already off, and we had to fumble around for seats. We actually had to split up. J. and I sat together. The other 3 sat in 2 rows behind us.<\/p>\n
That movie \u0096 was absolutely hysterical.<\/p>\n
J. and I were losing it. we were laughing SO LOUD and SO HARD. There was a couple beside us who were so embarrassing. I mean, they may as well have had all of their clothes off. J. and I silently judged them harshly. But still \u0096 that damn Marshmellow Man as tall as a building \u0096 J. and I were out of control. Especially that moment where they all see the Stay-Puf Marshmallow Man appear for the first time, barreling down the boulevard \u0096 and they all slowly look at Dan Akroyd \u0096 who says \u0096 ashamed, “I couldn’t help it \u0096 I tried to keep my mind clear \u0096 but that was the first thing that popped into my head\u0085” J. and I LOST IT.<\/p>\n
After the movie, the sun had just set and the sky was glowing, so we all decided to go for another walk on the beach. Nick was there, Eric wasn’t \u0096 a whole crowd of kids from the sophomore (now junior) class was there, at the movie. We all went down to the beach and took off our shoes.<\/p>\n
The sky was a soft pink and blue \u0096 gorgeous \u0096 it was getting dim \u0096 twilight \u0096 As we all ran down onto the sand \u0096 it really hit me \u0096 for the first time for real \u0096 that it is SUMMER. And I don’t have to study anything for over 2 months. It was exhilarating.<\/p>\n
We all started dancing madly down at the shore \u0096 I was tap-dancing in the waves \u0096 we all went absolutely crazy \u0096 dancing, running, singing, screaming \u0096 We shouted to each other, “1 \u0096 2 \u0096 3” \u0096 and would take long runs, and all kick our heels in the air at the same time. Mere could do two heel-kicks to everybody else’s one.<\/p>\n
After being a total tired ugly zombie for a week, or a month, (or, actually, the whole year) I felt so invigorated. Not pretty, though. I really look pretty awful right now. I have bags under my eyes. I look very old and tired. (Ed: There it is again<\/i>.)<\/p>\n
But still \u0096 I felt so alive, dancing on that dusky beach. It was a clear night, too, so all the stars were coming out. We walked in the waves. The surf was huge and crashing.<\/p>\n
I felt so great \u0096 so free \u0096 like a senior in high school should.<\/p>\n
The whole sophomore crowd had joined us. We all walked. Starry summer sky.<\/p>\n
And then \u0096 suddenly \u0096 out of nowhere \u0096 Betsy ran into the water, with her clothes on, and dove in.<\/p>\n
We all were screeching at the top of our lungs, watching her diving through the waves, fully clothed. She was totally soaked! And laughing her head off! We all were!<\/p>\n
As we walked back, Betsy, Mere and I walked together, and Kate and J. were far behind.<\/p>\n
It really was dark by that time, the sky was full of stars and it looked massive \u0096 huge \u0096 eternal. I felt like I was spinning and dizzy when I stared up at it.<\/p>\n
It was just really nice, wading along on the beach, finals over, school over, in my dad’s big comfy shirt, cold water, gorgeous sky, feeling good inside, with my friends.<\/p>\n
June 22<\/u>
\nAt times I get very sudden inspirations \u0096 or sudden flashes of mind-boggling insight over something that seems quite commonplace. Like this: just yesterday, I was in the car with Mum, and I was thinking about everything and I suddenly realized that: I’m a person<\/u>. I am alive<\/u>. People don’t realize how miraculous life really is. I am a full whole person (well, not yet exactly) \u0096 but I think it’s exciting that someday I will<\/u> be \u0096 I will become whoever I am already, deep inside. That adult Sheila is already alive in me \u0096 she’s just waiting to come out.<\/p>\n
We are all here, we all have definitive traits, we are all different. I mean, sometime I just look<\/u> at Kate or J. or Betsy or Mere or Beth and I feel like I really see them for the first time. I am in awe. Look at them.<\/u> Who will I be 20 years from now? Not what will I be doing \u0096 but who the HELL will I be? Will I be different? What will it be like being an adult? (Ed: Oh, God, Sheila, don’t ask<\/i>.)<\/p>\n
I think about the painful <\/u>beauty of the world \u0096 like the beach at sunset that day with Kate and Beth \u0096 the Cliffs of Moher at dawn \u0096 the beginning of summer \u0096 Niagara Falls \u0096 the Lincoln Monument \u0096 I think about these things and I think that the whole world is a treasure chest<\/u>!!<\/p>\n
And so am I.<\/p>\n
Or maybe I’m a trash can. Who knows?<\/p>\n
I wonder if I will have a generally happy life. I really wonder <\/u>about my future. I mean, I also just take things as they come, but the future is something I am squinting into. There are so many things I don’t get. There are so many things I will never get. Life is a mystery. Like God. Or Jesus. I mean, I am only 16 years old. This is completely ridiculous. There is so much to learn. So much that is bigger<\/u> than me.<\/p>\n
Like when Kate, Beth and I went to the beach, and the sky was awesome, and overwhelming \u0096 and I felt \u0096 something big<\/u> there.<\/p>\n
I didn’t just feel the sand between my toes, the breeze on my cheeks \u0096 I didn’t just perceive the beauty of the night \u0096 what was going on was bigger than that. Those 3 black seagulls against the gold. It was like seeing God.<\/p>\n
No \u0096 it wasn’t LIKE seeing God. It WAS God.<\/p>\n
It’s like caritas <\/u>\u0096 Betsy’s caritas <\/u>to me \u0096 Betsy gave me so much. So much. Her love.<\/p>\n
She said to me once, “You cannot sufficiently mess up your life to make God love you any less.”<\/p>\n
That is so hard for me to comprehend. But \u0096 staring at those black seagulls against the sunset, sitting with Kate and Beth \u0096 I feel like I got it. A glimpse of it.<\/p>\n
June 23<\/u>
\nOh LORD! DTS just asked me out to a movie! I’m going on a date with him!!<\/p>\n
I’m not making it a huge romantic thing, but STILL. He called me up. He<\/u> asked me<\/u>.<\/p>\n
My mom answered \u0096 it was for me, so she came to get me. I picked up the phone, and he went, “Hey, Sheila Junior! I almost just asked your mom for a date!”<\/p>\n
That made me laugh.<\/p>\n
We’re going to see “Top Secret”. Please God, don’t let it be obscene. Don’t let there be any naked love scenes, because I think I would die of embarrassment.<\/p>\n
He said on the phone, “I know this is really junior high-ish and everything, but \u0096”<\/p>\n
I loved that. His humor about himself asking me out on a date.<\/p>\n
I called J. the second I hung up with him, and said, “DTS just called me and asked me out to the movies.” She screamed, “Oh, I can’t wait to go write it down in my diary!”<\/p>\n
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The following entries are from the two weeks of finals at the end of my Junior year in high school. It’s rather long – so only die-hard Diary Friday fans will be able to weed their way through the purple … Continue reading